Dangerous to Know & Love

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “No, I’m still studying. I just need a job.”

  “Could give you some hours on Christmas Day – you interested?”

  “Very fucking funny, Sal.”

  “Watch the mouth, Dan.” He paused, seeing the tiredness that clung to Daniel. “Sure I can give you 10, maybe 20 hours a week. Start after the holidays.”

  Daniel felt relieved. It wasn’t easy getting part-time work with so many students looking for jobs, and being deaf – well, you could treble the level of difficulty. Which was probably a conservative estimate.

  If he was careful with the money from this job, he could rent a room somewhere and have just enough to live off, too. Getting an affordable room on campus was out of the question, and he’d have to get a loan to pay for his next year’s college fees.

  “So, how much would you give me for Sirona?”

  Salvatore gaped at him then looked serious. “You need money that bad, kid?”

  Daniel shrugged, unwilling to go into the details with Sal.

  “Well, now let me see. I could maybe go up to $2,750.”

  Daniel shook his head, trying not to wince, both at the pain in his head, and the pain of selling his beloved Harley. “I want $3,000. You know she’s worth it.”

  Salvatore grinned. “I’ll think about it, Dan. We’ll talk again when you start work – after the holidays.”

  After the holidays – that seemed like an impossibly long time in the future.

  Daniel nodded and they shook hands on the almost-deal.

  He was looking forward to seeing Lisanne – although he couldn’t with all honesty say he was looking forward to seeing her parents, but they’d been kind to invite him. He was just glad they had no idea of all the things he was planning to do to their daughter during his visit. He licked his lips at the thought.

  He was about to text her the good news that he’d got a job when he remembered that he hadn’t shared his financial problems with her. That was a conversation to have face to face, if at all. No, she didn’t need to hear all the shit he had going down.

  He bought the local paper and scoured it for rooms that were within his limited price range, but the two that he subsequently visited were shitholes that should have been condemned, and would have been little better than staying at home.

  On Friday, he took the bus to the hospital with mixed feelings, completely separate from the fact that he hated not being able to ride Sirona. That was one thing he intended to sort out with the doc pretty damn quick. He needed his independence back, especially if he was apartment hunting.

  The outpatients’ clinic was busy, full of people like him – people who’d had the CI operation. Some were children who weren’t old enough to understand what was happening, but most were adults in their sixties and seventies. Only one person was anywhere near Daniel’s age – a woman in her late twenties. She was also the only other person who hadn’t brought someone along for support.

  She smiled when she saw Daniel. He nodded and sat down in the far side of the room, not interested in starting a conversation. But she had other ideas, and came to sit opposite him.

  S: Hello. Do you sign?

  D: Yes.

  S: I’m S.A.M.A.N.T.H.A.

  She spelled out her name and Daniel did the same, one letter at a time.

  D: D.A.N.I.E.L.

  S: Are you having the CI?

  D: Had it. Last week.

  S: Me, too! Six weeks ago. How’s it going?

  Daniel shrugged. “Okay.”

  S: Do you lip read?

  D: Yes.

  S: You don’t talk much, do you?

  Daniel just looked at her.

  S: Come on! We’re the only ones here who aren’t preschoolers or retired. Are you getting your processor and transmitter today?

  D: No. Stitches out.

  S: Since you asked, I got tuned in a month ago. It’s… weird. I could only hear beeping from the system. I knew that there were sounds, but I couldn’t distinguish between them. The audiologist said that’s normal. To be honest, I’m a bit freaked out.

  She paused.

  S: You here by yourself, too?

  Daniel smirked and glanced around him.

  S: Why?

  Daniel shrugged.

  S: You don’t want to tell me. That’s cool. Can I ask you something? I hardly know you, but… I don’t have anyone else to ask.

  Daniel was curious but wary. He wasn’t big on gratuitous sharing of emotions with complete strangers – or even with people he knew well.

  D: You can ask.

  S: Seriously… why did you decide to have this? You lip read – you can blend.

  D: Why did you?

  She sighed.

  S: I had a baby last year. I wanted to hear her laugh.

  She smiled.

  S: That simple. What’s your story?

  Daniel hesitated. They’d strayed into personal territory in less than five minutes.

  D: Why do you want to know?

  S: What if this doesn’t work? Will I care? How much will I care? I managed okay before. Do you feel like that?

  D: I’ve got nothing left to lose.

  Which was the truth. He hadn’t thought about it that way until he’d met Lisanne.

  S: Do you feel weird about having a chunk of metal in your head? I know I do.

  D: As long as it works. I’ll let you know.

  S: I’d like that.

  Daniel glanced at her. That wasn’t what he’d meant.

  S: Do you think your hands will get lonely?

  D: What?

  S: I like signing. It’s so expressive. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I think I’d miss it if I stopped completely.

  Daniel had nothing to say to that. To him signing was a tool, something he’d had to learn, but he didn’t consider it a complete alternative to speech. From his lack of reaction, Samantha took the hint and changed the subject.

  S: There are some other things I’ve noticed about the CI: it’s easier for me to understand men – that’s just because of frequencies. It’s driving my girlfriend nuts – she actually accused me of hitting on her husband! I’ve known her 10 years. Can you believe it?

  Daniel didn’t say so, but frankly yes, he could believe it. But there was one question he wanted to ask her, now she’d started the conversation.

  D: Can you listen to music?

  S: Not really. It’s pretty meaningless at the moment. I’m hoping it will improve.

  She studied his face.

  S: You miss music.

  Daniel shifted uncomfortably on his seat but finally looked up at her.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  Samantha smiled sympathetically.

  S: I don’t really remember sounds – I was only three when I lost my hearing. I’ll have to relearn everything. She paused, seeing the tension in his expression. Do you have plans for the holidays?

  D: My girlfriend’s place.

  S: That explains the backpack. Does she go to school?

  D: Yes.

  S: You, too?

  D: Yes.

  S: What are you studying?

  D: Economics and business, with math.

  S: Wow! That must be a pretty full timetable. What does your girlfriend study?

  Daniel could pretty much have predicted the look on Samantha’s face when he told her.

  D: Music.

  Samantha’s response was utterly predictable. Yeah, that was the look he’d expected: pity mixed with sympathy. He was getting pretty damn tired of that.

  A light blinked on the wall and everyone turned to look at the name that flashed up – ‘Miss S. Wilson’.

  S: That’s me.

  Samantha scrabbled in her handbag, then passed him a piece of paper with her phone number scribbled on it. She smiled at his expression.

  S: I’m not hitting on you! Although you are cute. I’d just like to know how it works out for you. It would be good to stay in touch, swap notes. Take care, Daniel.

  Throw
ing him a smile, she disappeared down one of the corridors and Daniel was left alone. For a moment he thought about tossing the piece of paper, but in the end he shoved it in his pocket and forgot about it.

  When Daniel’s name came up, he loped off down the same corridor as Samantha. He was relieved to see that it was Dr. Palmer waiting in the consulting room.

  “Good morning, Mr. Colton. How are you? Any problems?”

  “Hey, doc. No, all good.”

  “Any nausea? Dizziness?”

  “Bit. It’s wearing off, I think.”

  “Good. Tenderness when you have the dressings changed?”

  “Bit. Specially if I pull my ear by mistake.”

  “You’ve been changing your own dressings?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  Dr. Palmer frowned. “Right. I’ll take a look.”

  He prodded and probed. It hurt, but was bearable. He walked around to face Daniel.

  “That’s all looking fine. Nothing to worry about. I’ll take those stitches out now. It’ll be a little uncomfortable.”

  Five minutes later, Daniel felt as if the doctor had been trying to open his skull with a crowbar. But it was a relief to have the stitches out.

  Dr. Palmer moved back to speak to Daniel.

  “There’s some tenderness, but no more than I’d expect. It’ll have settled down nicely in a couple of weeks and we’ll be ready to fit the transmitter and processor. Do you have any questions?”

  “Can I ride my motorcycle?”

  Dr. Palmer frowned. “No, too early for that, especially if you’re still experiencing some dizziness. Ask me again after your fitting, Mr. Colton.”

  It was the answer Daniel had been expecting, but it was still galling.

  “Okay. See you next year, doc. Thanks and all that.”

  “Happy holidays,” said the doctor quietly as he watched Daniel leave the room.

  * * *

  Daniel was glad he’d arrived at the bus station early. Along with airports and train stations, they made him nervous. If there was a platform change or gate change announced over the public address system, he couldn’t hear it. He’d missed a couple of connections on previous journeys because there’d been a last minute change and he hadn’t known. He kept an eye on the Atlanta bus, checking and rechecking the signboards until it was time for departure.

  Daniel took a seat at the back and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t have admitted it to the devil himself, but he was glad not to be riding Sirona all the way up to Lisanne’s place.

  The bus was pretty full with people traveling for the holidays, brightly colored parcels stuffed into bags, but nobody bothered him in his corner. He was aware how unapproachable he looked, being tall and broad shouldered, with a week’s worth of stubble, his piercing, his beanie pulled down low, heavy boots and his black leather jacket. He didn’t need a sign telling people to stay the hell away.

  After an hour of dozing, he sat up straighter and rubbed his eyes. He pulled a battered copy of E. F. Schumacher’s Small is Beautiful out of his backpack and tried to concentrate on the pages. He couldn’t wait to see his girl, even better to feel her body wrapped around him. He knew her parents would be hawkeyed, watching and waiting for him to put a finger – or tongue – out of place, but Daniel felt confident he’d find a way. Hell, yes.

  The book fell to his lap and his eyes drifted to the landscape flashing past the bus window: trees, fields, orchards, houses, another small town, more trees. But instead of seeing the Georgia countryside, he was thinking about how much his life had changed.

  Starting college was a big deal for most people but for Daniel, it had been a leap into the unknown. Against all the advice his high school had given him, he’d been determined to keep his hearing loss a private matter. He’d had to work harder and longer and concentrate more than other students; he’d had to fight – literally – against the expectations formed by his relationship to Zef; and he’d met Lisanne. He’d had every intention of keeping himself to himself, but now he found he had a girlfriend – serious, maybe – and he was on his way to spend the holidays with her family again.

  And then there was the huge, potentially life changing decision he’d made to get the CI.

  He wasn’t even sure how to feel about that, but once he’d seen Lisanne singing, seen her passion for music pouring out of her, his reasons for not having the implant had been scoured away.

  And he had no regrets.

  He thought again about what it meant to have a girlfriend, or rather, what it meant to him to have Lisanne in his life. He liked sex – a lot – and ever since he’d lost his virginity at the age of 15, he’d worshipped the god of one night stands, relentlessly pursuing short-term gratification. It had begun as self-protection from the pain of rejection, but it had become a self perpetuating habit.

  It was different with Lisanne. So different that Daniel had to admit he was pretty much in uncharted territory. She had stripped away his defenses one by one, leaving him vulnerable and exposed. It was unnerving, but at the same time he didn’t feel so alone. She’d rejected isolation as a solution to his deafness, and had led him back toward the world. But the problem remained – it was a world full of hearing people, where deafness was routinely the butt of jokes. It was daunting, especially because he had no way of explaining to her what she was asking of him.

  And yet, the operation had been another step into that world. Daniel was all too aware that the CI was a piece of technology that could help, but it was just a tool – he’d still be deaf. He wondered if Lisanne really understood that. If he was honest with himself, he was waiting for the moment when she’d be tired of having a boyfriend with a disability. Christ, the weight of that fucking word.

  He also felt a responsibility toward her, having been the first man she’d ever slept with. Hell, as far as he could tell, he was the first guy she’d ever kissed. But as her confidence grew, the sex just kept on getting better. She was trusting him to help her explore further. He was looking forward to more of that.

  Daniel scratched at his beard. Probably time to shave it off – his Baby Doll had sensitive skin.

  He felt his phone vibrate, alerting him that a text had come in.

  * L: I’m at the bus station.

  Can’t wait to see you. LA xx *

  He smiled at her message.

  He’d meant everything he’d written in the letter, and it scared him. The way he felt about her… Relying on other people made you weak. Zef proved that.

  But when he climbed off the bus and saw her anxious face transported by a huge grin, his doubts were pushed into a distant place and locked away.

  “Baby doll,” he said, dropping his backpack onto the floor and pulling her toward him.

  “You grew a beard!” she squeaked.

  “Don’t you like it?”

  “Um…”

  He leaned down to kiss her and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. Her lips were soft and warm on his, her tongue hot and eager.

  Daniel lost himself in the kiss, forgetting he was standing on the forecourt of a concrete bus station. It was his cock that reminded him, as his hips automatically tried to grind into her.

  He pushed her back gently and felt her slight resistance. He blew out a long breath and raised his eyebrows.

  “I like the way you think, baby doll, but we should get out of here first.” He touched her cheek that was looking a little pink from their kiss, “And I’ll shave.”

  Lisanne gave an embarrassed laugh.

  “I can’t seem to behave properly around you!”

  “Just as long as you behave improperly, you’ll have no complaints from me,” he whispered into her hair.

  She sighed happily. “Mom and dad are at a school thing, and Harry’s with his friends.”

  Daniel got the hint.

  “Drive fast, baby, because I don’t think I can wait much longer.”

  He bent to pick up his backpack, and experienced a brief wave of dizziness that made
him stumble.

  “Daniel!”

  “Don’t freak, baby, I’m good,” he said, standing up more slowly this time.

  Lisanne made sure her arm was firmly around his waist as they walked toward the car, and felt reassured by his solid presence.

  It took half an hour to get to Lisanne’s home. Daniel spent most of the drive with his left hand resting on her thigh. It was enough to make Lisanne grip the steering wheel until her knuckles were white. A part of her had never believed that he’d really come.

  They were both relieved when the journey was finally over.

  Lisanne turned off the engine, and tension crackled in the air, sparks that would ignite at any moment.

  She turned her head to look at him, meeting his eyes.

  “So, everyone’s out.”

  “Yes.”

  “How long?”

  “A couple of hours. Maybe.”

  “Let’s go.”

  She opened the front door, and without speaking, led him up the stairs, hand in hand, to her bedroom.

  Daniel let his backpack fall onto the carpet, and kissed Lisanne hungrily.

  She started to respond, her hands pushing up under his leather jacket, but then pulled back. Daniel stared at her in confusion.

  “Would you… your stubble… everyone will know.”

  He smiled in understanding. “I’ll shave.”

  Her relief was obvious. “Sorry, I just…”

  “Not a problem, baby doll.”

  “Daniel…”

  “What is it?”

  “The operation…”

  He stiffened.

  “What about it?”

  She chewed her lip and tugged nervously on the sleeve of her coat.

  “Can I see – can I see your scar?”

  He didn’t move but didn’t stop her when she gently pulled off his beanie.

  “Oh,” she whispered, running her eyes over the line of gauze and tape that snaked up his skull.

  Daniel turned his face away from her. Was this the moment when reality would be too much?

  But instead her soft hands pulled his mouth toward hers and she kissed him slowly, lovingly.

  “I like your hair short – it suits you. You look like a Marine or something.”

  He snorted, because yeah, the Marines recruited so many deaf people.

  “Or something. I don’t think they allow piercings in the Marines.”