Was she going to leave? Panic overwhelmed me at the possibility and I found myself rushing for my bedroom.
Something about the shower running in my en suite relaxed me as I entered the room. I knocked on the en suite’s door.
“Go away!” Those words conveyed Hannah’s bitterness. God, how I wished I’d reacted differently to her last approach.
I peeled away my clothes, letting them drop to the floor and was glad I found the door unlocked as I slid quietly into the room. Her back was to me and it was evident that she wasn’t doing much but standing under the showerhead. My feet landed in front of the shower door and I let myself in. I wrapped my arms around Hannah’s waist, making her jump in fright.
“Son of a bitch! Are you trying to give me a coronary?”
“It’s not what I meant,” I said into, then kissed her shoulder. “I’m trying to apologize. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and I took it out on the one person who didn’t deserve it.”
“Mind telling me what that was all about?”
I turned her to face me. “Am I forgiven?”
“I think I can let it slide only because I love you,” she said on a small smile. “Now, out with it.”
I kissed her hard and it wasn’t as if I’d planned for her to forget her question – and I doubt that it was the case – but judging at how she pulled me to her, and how much her body seemed to cling to mine, it was as if she was postponing the inquisition for the time being.
Her lips were soft but demanding. Her fingernails dug wherever they touched: back, shoulders, scalp. It was an erotic punishment of sorts for my crass behavior, but what a great way to be taught a lesson!
Before I knew it, the shower was cut and I was carrying a dripping Hannah to my bed. I covered her body with mine and gazed into her fiery eyes.
“Say you love me.”
“I love you, Ben.”
“How much?”
“Ben…?”
“How much do you love me, Hannah?”
She grabbed the sides of my face. “Where’s this coming from?”
I sighed and instead of pushing for her answer, I went in for her lips. I didn’t count on her holding me back, though. “Ben,” she said with sternness, “what the fuck is going on? What’s gotten into you?”
I leaned my forehead on her shoulder and closed my eyes.
All I could see was Chris’ smug look from last night, replays of graphic sex scenes between Candace and him where sickeningly, Candace morphed into Hannah. It was an utter waking nightmare.
“Ben, you need to talk to me.” Hannah’s hands went around my head and she cradled me to her bosom. “You’re scaring me, baby. What’s wrong?”
The room filled with silence and after a few minutes, I tried to pull away, but Hannah wouldn’t let me.
“Let go, Hannah.”
“No. I love you and I’m not letting this go until you tell me what’s bothering you. You say that it isn’t me, yet you won’t talk. How am I supposed to take that?”
Hannah did let me go, but only after a long moment, where I maintained my silence. She scurried off the bed and tried to make her way past me to get to her clothes.
I grabbed her wrist with a firm hand and she paused to look at me with wounded eyes. In essence, me not saying anything implied that I didn’t trust her, and if I didn’t trust her, was my love for her real?
Fuck me!
I knew what I had to do, but she already had me figured out. “This has something to do with Chris, doesn’t it?” My silence was answer enough for her. “I’m not her, Ben, and I won’t let you think of me that way.” She ripped her wrist from my hand and proceeded to put on the change of clothes she had left behind on her last visit. “I will never be her, and if that’s what you’re looking for, then I can’t compete with the image of your dead wife. I’m not a replacement. I think this might have been a mistake. I love you, but I can’t let you do this to me. I’ve been hurt too many times.”
I stood there gobsmacked as she walked out of my bedroom. How could I have fucked up twice within the few hours of starting the day?
I caught up to her as her hand was on the front door’s knob, in nothing but my underwear. “I know you’re not Candace, and thank God for that.” She froze but didn’t turn to face me, so I made to approach her like I would a skittish animal. “I love you, Hannah. I need you. Only you.”
By the time I finished, I was a few feet from her. She behaved almost as if she hadn’t heard me. When I reached out for the hand that sat on the knob and turned her so she faced me, tears were running down her face. “Then why won’t you trust me? How can you say you love me when you can’t trust-?”
I shut her up with my mouth, and clicked the deadbolt into the locked position again. Her hands wrapped themselves on either side of my neck.
“Why didn’t I just tell you?” My lips brushed hers again. “I love you so much, Hannah. So fucking much that it terrifies the living daylights out of me.”
“Then tell me, Ben. What’s got you so terrified that you can’t tell me?”
“It’s pathetic, really.” A moment of temporary insanity is more like it.
“It’s not if it’s got you this bent out of shape. What about that asshole?”
The weight that had settled in my gut since last night lifted. “Thank you for calling him that.” A small smile made its way onto my lips. “There’s just something about the way he behaved last night. I can’t quite pin-point it.”
“Like he was after me?”
My eyes widened. “So I wasn’t imagining that?”
“No, I picked up on it too. He gave me the creeps before I knew who he was.”
“It’s just-”
Her hands moved from my neck to either side of my face. “You’ve been burned bad. And I’m going to answer your earlier question; not because you asked me to, but because I know you need to hear it. I’ll paint you a picture so you can’t doubt where my heart is, where my loyalty lies, or where I want to be.”
After making me put a shirt on and refusing to come back to the bedroom to talk, she made me sit on the living room sofa.
“You’re putting up walls, sweetheart,” I said.
“I’m not. I can’t think clearly with you being half naked. This is already going to be hard to tell you without wanting to show you.”
“Show me?” My brow arched and my grin made an appearance. “I’d like to sign up for the show and tell if it’s up for grabs.”
“Benjamin.” She sighed. “I’m being serious.”
“All right, sweetheart.”
I was shocked when instead of sitting next to me, she straddled my thighs, and then I realized why that was – we were at perfect eye level. I went to wrap my arms around her but she lifted her hands to halt me.
“No funny business. I need you to keep your hands to yourself until I’m done talking. I need this closeness as much as you do, but I can’t get what I need to get out if you’re-”
“Distracting you?” She nodded. It amazed me how much I could affect the woman.
“So you wanted to know how much I love you. What I’ll tell you next will help answer that question.” She paused long enough to take a deep breath. “When I think of being yours and you being mine, this is what I see… I see happiness, laughter and peace. I see myself free to be exactly who I am, and I know that you’ll love me for it, even my insecurities and quirks, and yes, I have insecurities, Ben.
“When I think about our future, I can promise you that I would be in it for the long-haul. I don’t believe in the whole love them and leave them bullshit. I see kids, marriage, the big house with the white picket fence, the pool and the trampoline out back. I see vacations and large gatherings with our friends and family, celebrating each birthday, each milestone…everything.
“I’ve never been able to see all of that with Lee,” she said with chagrin. “I think we were so wrapped up in dealing with his alcoholism that we never had a chance to really loo
k that far ahead. With you, the past is in the present for both of us, yet I can still see the future, and it’s what I’ve always wanted.
“I would never betray you because your heart is the other half of mine. Without you, I can’t fully be me,” she said. “You told me a few days ago that you wouldn’t want to live if I wasn’t around. I believed you. I still do. What I never mentioned was that I felt the same.
“I would never leave you for another because you and I run deeper than any physical connection. I love you, Benjamin Carpenter, and it’s not something I can just turn on and off like a light switch. It just is. Candace might have been able to do that, and if that’s the case, then she never loved you. She loved the idea of you because from where I’m sitting, you’re perfect; insecurities, idiosyncrasies, and all.”
When Hannah finished her diatribe, she sat there in silence, her gaze averted from mine. You’re such a schmuck, Carpenter.
I didn’t ask if I could touch her, somehow knowing that I could, more importantly, that I should. My hand clasped one of hers. “You’ve thought that far ahead?” Hannah didn’t look at me, but she nodded. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Yes, you are.” Her eyes snapped to mine. “But you’re my idiot. I should have known that I’d have to set you straight at some point. You were too perfect.”
“Still…”
“Never mind.” She freed one of her hands to cup my cheek. “As much as you want to admit that you’re done with the grief and everything, I know you’re not, and you won’t be for a while. Loving you is not all about sharing the good, Ben, it’s about being able to share the bad and get each other through it like we have since we’ve met.”
“You’re right.”
“I know I’m right.” She smirked. “I’m right about other things too.”
My brows arched. “Oh, really?”
Hannah was right about being right about a lot of things, as it turns out. She began proving it to me within seconds of her statement and continued to do so throughout the day.
“How am I not boring you to death?” I asked. “I mean, it’s been four weeks and you already know me so well that you can tell me what I’ll do next.”
“I may have said I’m right about a lot of things, but for all your predictability, I enjoy your unpredictability even more.” She rested her head on my shoulder.
“Unpredictable, huh?” I asked. “You mean like what you pulled on me last night?”
“Oh!” Her body quivered. “I love it when you get all bossy like that.”
I laughed. “I gathered as much. Maybe it’s also time for me to let you know that I’m right about a lot of things too.”
Her head lifted, the side of her mouth quirking up. “Oh, yeah?”
I nodded. It was time to have a little fun with this one. “For instance,” I began, “I know that you’re about to roll onto your back, spread your legs wide, and beg me to take you nice and slow, even though I know you really want it hard.”
She giggled and did exactly what I told her she’d do, minus the verbal request.
“What will I do next?” she asked as I rolled over her and slid inside her heated folds. I watched as her eyes glazed over and my name came out in a breathless plea.
“You’ll tell me how much you love me.” I pulled back slowly.
Her lips parted, her breathing growing heavier. “I do that a lot, don’t I?”
“Well, since we’ve been saying it, yes, you do.” I smirked down at her, sliding back into her again. “And now you’ll roll… Ah, there it is.” She rolled her eyes as I said it and threw in a head shake to boot.
“Baby?” she said.
“Yes, sweet-cheeks?”
“Shut up and kiss me.” She pulled my head down to hers as I laughed, crushing my lips to hers hard before pulling away. “And Ben?” My eyes glued themselves to hers. “If you ever doubt me again, I’ll literally paint you that picture and bash you over the head with the canvas.”
My slow thrusts halted, then I pecked her lips. “So there is a violent streak in you.”
“Very.” She gave me a mischievous smile before going serious again. “But if you ever doubt, promise you’ll talk to me, and I’ll promise to listen, and make sure you’re smiling again.”
“I like the sound of that.” I ground my pelvis into hers, her breath catching. “Now, where were we?”
Chapter 50
Over the next month, Hannah and I fell into a routine of sleeping at each other’s homes – mine more often than hers – and spending most of our free time together, enjoying each other’s company.
I didn’t think I could love anyone so damn much – it surpassed the love I had for Candace by miles. Hannah made me happier than I’d ever been, and those battles of wits we got into always ended with a tumble between the sheets.
On another note, Chris became a thorn in my side. The man was now using Fairfax as his new turf to conduct his business.
I managed to avoid the man by having someone else serve him, while I disappeared into my office. Suffice to say, if the man wasn’t aware of my hostility toward him, I’d have to say he was blind.
Although I’ve spoken to my parents during this time, I hadn’t made the time to go over and visit them. It took Hannah overhearing one of my mother’s messages to finally light a fire under my ass to set something up with them. I suppose the fear of hearing their speech about us moving too quickly was why I’d distanced myself. To be honest, Hannah was doing the same with her parents, seeing as every time I asked her how her folks were doing, she’d give me the runaround. I, for one, knew how they were since I had made a point to keep in touch, but she didn’t know this.
I was bringing in the last case of beer, and had set it behind the bar, when Adam walked into the pub. I knew it was only a matter of time before he tracked me down. His showing up confirmed my suspicions. Hannah was still avoiding them.
I greeted the man with a handshake. “How are you guys holding up?”
“Anne’s worried,” Adam said.
“And so are you.” I gave him an all-knowing look.
“What’s going on with her?”
I sighed. “Same old. She seems perfectly fine. I mean, we’ve been busy.”
The man’s eyebrows rose. “We?”
Damn those loose lips.
My stomach twisted in knots with what I was about to let the man know. I took a deep breath in an attempt to settle my nerves. “Adam…”
Adam’s lips formed a thin line, but the twinkle in his eyes was more prominent. “You’re falling for her.”
I nodded. “It’s more than that.”
“Can I just say something?” I nodded. “This isn’t just for Hannah, but it’s for you too. You’ve both been hurt before and-”
Oh no! Here we go! My annoyance got the better of me and I cut the man off. “I know, don’t rush things,” I finished for him. “Look-”
“That wasn’t what I was going to say.” Adam looked at me pointedly. At that moment, I regretted letting my mouth run away with me. “I’ve been there since the night of the accident. I know your parents, the kind of family you’re from. Most importantly, I know you. I knew that this day would come.”
My eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“You think it’s too soon?” he asked.
“Some would say that.” My parents sure as hell had their concerns.
“You’ve known each other for a couple of months now,” he began and I nodded. “A lot has happened between now and then, big things that have brought you both closer.” I gave him another nod. “The way I see it, my daughter was already moving on before that accident, and you’ve been lonely for far too long.” The man’s eyes held some sadness, but he shook it off and grinned like a loon. “Frankly, Anne bet me that you two were going to announce that you were dating within weeks of Hannah being back on her feet.”
I laughed. “What did you bet?”
“I told her that it’d be a few months.”
<
br /> I guffawed. “Tell your wife she was right.”
Chapter 51
Having Adam’s support and Anne’s obvious blessing, what with that bet of hers, I knew that I owed them so much for having blessed me with someone like Hannah. So, I put in a call. One that could possibly land me in the dog-house later, but if Hannah could run interference, why couldn’t I?
Hannah took my hand as I led us to Mom and Dad’s front door.
“Honey, I’m home!” I called out.
Hannah looked confused by the ruckus coming from the back of the house.
Before she could ask questions, I escorted her down the hallway toward the kitchen, only to find ourselves swarmed by parents. Mine and hers.
“Mom.” I hugged the woman tight, then shook my father’s hand.
“What’s going on here?” Hannah asked as she greeted my parents.
“We figured that with you two being together, that we could all celebrate,” Mom said.
“Mom… Dad,” she said and walked over to her parents for quick hugs and pecks on the cheek. “You know?”
“You’re doing a poor job at keeping in touch,” Adam said. “If it weren’t for-”
“Weren’t for who?” My girlfriend’s eyes narrowed on me. “What did you do?”
“I may or may not have kept in touch with them, but-”
When I expected her to be mad, she surprised me by giving me an endearing smile.
“We would have gone crazy had Ben not called us every week,” Anne said, “but I’m so glad that you guys are official now.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” Hannah came to stand at my side, where I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I just didn’t know how everyone would take knowing Ben and I were together so soon after… I thought I didn’t care what everyone would think, but I did.”
The ladies were busy talking and, despite my protest, Mom was showing Hannah some old photos of my childhood. It was like reliving my high school days all over again.
The men, on the other hand, were discussing the latest sport statistics, while indulging in a glass of brandy.
To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4) Page 16