“Ah, yes, the great western sport of therapy. And for how many years can you play it? I've been doing it for four. I see my therapist on Thursdays,” she said matter-of-factly.
“And what does he or she say … or would you rather not discuss it?” he asked hesitantly. He was puzzled by why she was hanging on to someone who was obviously giving her so little. Even she seemed to see it, although Jeff noticed that she defended him a lot, and she seemed used to doing it, so others must have told her the same thing before him.
“No, I'm used to discussing it,” she said openly as they skated around the rink again. “She says it's an old problem, and it is. I pick men who are constitutionally unable to love me, or anyone. But I think Brandon is better than the earlier models.” Jeff didn't know what they'd been like, but he wasn't impressed by what he'd heard of Brandon. “At least he's trying.”
“How can you tell?” Jeff said almost meanly. “What is it that he does for you?”
“He loves me,” she said stubbornly. “He may be uptight and repressed, but behind all that, I think he'd be there for me if I needed him.” She always told herself that, but he'd never had to prove it.
“Are you sure of that, Allegra?” Jeff asked her pointedly. “Think about it. When was the last time he was there for you? I hardly know you, and I already think he's going to let you down badly one of these days. He can't even divorce his ex-wife. What's he saving her for?” But she looked so unhappy when he asked her that, that Jeff decided to drop it. “I'm sorry,” he said apologetically. “I'm probably just jealous. I have no right to say those things. It just seems so unfair. It's so hard to meet anyone you really care about, and suddenly there you are, with Brandon standing next to you, like a trail of tin cans on a cat's tail. I guess I'd like to get rid of him and simplify the situation.” She laughed at the analogy, and she understood the implications.
“I understand,” she said, and he had hit some nerves in her, but she didn't admit it to him. She'd been with Brandon for two years, and she wasn't about to break up with him because he didn't go to the Golden Globes, or because he didn't tell her he loved her on the phone, or because he liked to go back to his own apartment after he made love to her, or because she had met a handsome, appealing writer in New York. You didn't throw your whole life out the window because someone took you skating. But there was also no denying how much Jeff appealed to her. He had knocked her right off her feet, and she knew it. But that had nothing to do with Brandon.
They skated arm in arm until the end of the session, then returned their skates, and she was still quiet when they got back in the carriage. Jeff was sorry he had blown off steam, and he invited her up to his mother's apartment for a drink, but she thought she should go back to the hotel. It was already late and she had to get up early in the morning.
“I promise I'll behave. I shouldn't have said all those things about him, Allegra. I'm sorry.”
“I'm nattered.” She smiled at him. “And I'd love to have a rain check for the drink. I've got to get up early tomorrow morning.” And with that, she settled back against the seat, in his arms, and he sat there thinking that he'd like to be getting up with her in the morning. But he didn't say anything as they rolled along, listening to the sound of the horse's feet and watching it snow out the window.
“It's pretty, isn't it?” he said gently, and she nodded, and smiled up at him.
“I loved the skating. Thank you, Jeff.” It had been so much more fun than a fancy French dinner. She loved every moment she spent with him, even when he hassled her about Brandon. And no matter how much it irritated her, she understood perfectly why he did it. Brandon certainly left himself wide open to criticism, but she wasn't thinking about Brandon now. She was thinking about Jeff as they rolled through the park toward the Plaza.
“You're a pretty good skater,” he praised her, and she laughed easily. “But you're a truly great kisser.” She giggled in answer.
“So are you, and a good sport.” They started chatting again then, and by the time they left the park, they were laughing and talking and at ease with each other. When they reached her hotel, the driver helped them down, Jeff paid and tipped the driver handsomely, and then the horse and buggy left them. “I feel like Cinderella,” she said, as she watched them go in the snow, down Park Avenue, and handed him the angora mittens, as he chuckled.
“Now what? We both turn into pumpkins?” he asked, amused, and happier than he'd been in ages. He thought Allegra was terrific.
“It was so much fun. I loved it.” It had been perfect with the snow, and the skating. And as she looked up at him, and thought of kissing him, she felt a twinge of desire for him deep in the pit of her stomach. He walked her inside, and waited for the elevator with her, and then he surprised her by stepping into it with her. Much to her own astonishment, she didn't object, and they stood side by side, very quietly, and got out on the fourteenth floor. He followed her to her room and she took the key out of her pocket. She didn't invite him in, she just stood there looking at him, feeling wistful. She wished that things were different than they were, that Brandon hadn't been in her life for two years, but he had, and there was no point changing that now for a romantic night in the snow, with a stranger.
“I'll leave you here,” he said quietly, looking as troubled as she was. He didn't want to bang his head against a brick wall either. But he couldn't seem to let her go, nor believe that she wanted what she had, or didn't have, with Brandon.
He was about to say good night to her, and he had no intention of pressing her any further, when she took a single step toward him, and he couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms, and kissed her, holding her so tight she almost couldn't breathe, but she loved it. She felt safe and protected and desired, and there was no question of how badly he wanted her, and she knew that if she ever spent the night with him, he would never want to leave before morning.
She kissed him again and again, wanting him as badly as he wanted her, and then she pulled away and shook her head sadly. “I can't do this, Jeff.” There were tears in her eyes when she looked at him, and he nodded.
“I know that. I wouldn't even want you to right now. You'd hate me afterward. Why don't we just let it be like this for a while? Kind of an old-fashioned romance, some hugging and kissing, and just being there, or maybe just friends, if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want,” he said gently. “I'm not going anywhere, don't feel pressured.”
“I don't know what I feel,” she said honestly. “I'm so confused.” She raised her eyes to his, and she looked truly tormented. “I want you. … I want him. … I want him to be what he never has been, but I think he could be … and why do I care? Why am I doing that? … and I don't understand what I'm doing here. I feel like I'm falling in love with you. Is this real? Just a New York fling? I don't know what the hell's going on,” she said, stumbling over her own words, as he smiled lovingly at her, and then kissed her again, and she didn't stop him. She loved kissing him, loved being in his arms, loved being with him, sitting in hansom cabs, and skating. “What happens when we go back?” she asked, as they both leaned against the wall outside her room. She didn't dare take him inside, she was sure they'd end up in bed in the first five minutes. And that wouldn't be fair to anyone, though it was very appealing. Or could he live up to what her life was really like? That was an interesting question. “This is all very romantic. But what would happen when I have to go to Safeway and buy groceries, when Carmen calls me at four A.M. because the dog turned over a garbage can, or Mai O'Donovan gets arrested for being drunk and disorderly in Reno, and I have to get out of bed and go bail him out?”
“I'd go with you. That's what it's all about. I don't find any of that so shocking, or such an imposition. It sounds like fun to me. It would give me some great ideas for my new ventures in commercial fiction.”
“Be serious. It's like having half a dozen unruly teenaged children.”
“I think I could survive it. Do I look that de
licate to you? I've always been pretty flexible. This would be good training for when we have kids, who do all those same things, or hopefully not, if you bring them up right.”
“What are you saying to me?” She looked totally confused, and somewhat miserable. But these were nice miseries to have, and she knew that.
“That I want to be with you, that I want to spend time with you, and see what happens. The same thing is happening to me that's happening to you. I'm falling in love with you, and I don't know why, but I don't want to lose it either, or give it all back to a guy who I think doesn't appreciate you, or deserve you.” He gently pushed a lock of her silky hair away with his fingers, and looked into the eyes he had known only for two days, but which trusted him so much already. “What I don't want to do is make you unhappy, or pull you apart. Don't do anything right now. It'll all work itself out. We'll see what happens when we go back to L.A.,” he said reasonably, and she nodded, and then she looked up at him with terror.
“What if I decide we can't see each other there?” she asked. It wasn't going to work if they hung around kissing each other all the time. Brandon certainly wasn't going to like that.
“I hope you don't decide that,” he said calmly.
“I don't know what to do,” she said, feeling like a child, and he smiled at her, took her key from her hands, and opened the door for her.
“I've got some ideas, but I don't think any of them are appropriate given the situation.” He kissed her on the lips again, gave her a small shove inside, and handed her the key, without ever leaving the hallway. “What about tomorrow?”
“I'm meeting with Haverton and the promoters again, and I've got a couple of other meetings uptown.” And then she remembered a dinner meeting she'd made with an attorney who couldn't see her any other time. It was going to be a long day, and she wasn't going to have much time to see him. “I don't think I'll be through till nine, maybe later.”
“I'll call you then.” He leaned toward her and kissed her again, and she felt peaceful as she closed the door to her room, and he went back downstairs to the lobby.
She thought about calling Brandon then, and this time she knew she couldn't. It would have been too dishonest calling him, pretending that she was sitting in her room, thinking of him. She knew she had to stop seeing Jeff, or at least kissing him, but the thought of giving it all up was far too painful. Maybe she could just treat it as a small, unimportant interlude, a few kisses, and then everything would be back to normal once they went back to California. She was still telling herself that an hour later when Jeff called. She jumped when she heard the phone, and she almost didn't answer it. She was sure it was Brandon. He hadn't called that day, and there had been no messages from home. And when she picked up the phone, she felt instantly guilty.
“Hello?” She felt like a criminal as she held the phone, and at the other end Jeff laughed.
“Oh, God, don't ever try to play poker. You sound awful.”
“That's how I feel. Jeff, I feel so guilty.”
“I thought you would. Look, you haven't done anything. The damage can be repaired. You haven't broken his trust, and if you really feel better that way, we can take a breather.” He offered it to her, but it cost him dearly to make the sacrifice. As often as she'd let him, he wanted to see her.
“I think we should, take a breather, I mean,” she said unhappily. “I just can't do this.”
“You're an honest woman. It's a damn shame,” he teased, but he didn't want to tear her apart. The thought of not seeing her again, though, almost killed him.
“I can't see you tomorrow night,” she said, suddenly firm, as he felt a vise squeeze his heart.
“I understand. Call, if you change your mind.” She had all his numbers. “Will you be all right?” He barely knew her, but he worried about her.
“I'm fine. I just need to get my equilibrium again. The last two days have been completely crazy.”
“And very nice,” he added, longing for her lips again, and afraid he'd never have them. He had called to say good night, and instead he'd given her the opportunity to run away, which was not what he had intended.
“The last two days were wonderful,” she said, thinking of the skating, the hansom cab, and kissing him in the snow. He had completely bowled her over. And now she had to concentrate on real life, and going back to Brandon. “I'll call you,” she said, choking on her own words, thinking of Jeff again, and not Brandon. “Good night, Jeff.”
“Good night.” He never told her why he'd called. He had called just to tell her that he loved her.
CHAPTER 7
Wednesday seemed endless to Allegra as she made her rounds. She had some appointments, uptown and down, a late lunch, and finally a last-minute dinner with a tax lawyer who did work for one of her clients. It was a long day, and as she walked down Madison Avenue from the restaurant, to get some air, she thought of Jeff for the thousandth time since that morning.
She had held firm, and it had almost killed her, but she hadn't called him. She couldn't, their feelings were too raw, the power of what they felt too strong. It was too dangerous to play with the fire that drove them.
And as she walked along, she looked casually into a bookstore, and there he was. His face on the back of his book stared at her from the window. She stopped, and looked deep into the eyes that said so much, and in spite of herself, she walked inside and bought one.
Back in her room, she set it on the table next to her, and looked at him, and then finally she put it in her briefcase. There was no message from him, nor anyone else. A stack of faxes had come in, and she had had long conferences on the phone with Bram Morrison and Malachi O'Donovan that morning. Carmen had left a cryptic message with Alice that she was okay, and everyone else seemed to be holding their own. Only Bram had a problem—there had been an odd threat against one of his children. It had come by phone, and the Spanish housekeeper had scarcely understood what the man said, but it didn't sound good. Bram had called the police himself, and had put bodyguards on both his children. It was just as she had explained to Jeff, the problems were limitless, contracts, threats, decisions, tours, licensing, exploitation of all kinds, and the endless contracts.
But she found no solace in her work tonight. All she could think about was Jeff, and then, finally, at ten o'clock, he called her.
“How was your day?” He tried to sound non-threatening, but he was so nervous, his palms were wet. Just hearing her voice and knowing he couldn't see her made him unhappy.
“Fine.” She told him about Bram, both the tour and the threat, and Jeff thought that the threat against Bram's kids was disgusting.
“Those people are sick. They should all go to jail. How was the rest of your day?” he asked, and she looked mournfully across the room at her briefcase.
“I bought your book.”
“You did?” He sounded pleased. It cheered him up to think she'd actually thought about him. “What made you buy it?”
“I wanted to have your picture.” She sounded like a little kid, and he laughed, and wished he could put his arms around her.
“I could come by and show you the real thing,” he said hopefully, and this time she laughed.
“I don't think we should.”
“How's Brandon?” he finally asked after a pause. He hated the sound of the guy's name by now, but he was curious if she'd called him.
“I called a little while ago. He was out. I'm sure he's all wrapped up in his trial.”
“What about us, Allegra?” Jeff asked softly. He hadn't been able to concentrate on anything, think of anything, make sense at all since that morning.
“I guess we're on hold, until we learn to control ourselves,” she said, and he chuckled.
“I'll buy you a little stun gun and you can zap me every time I get near you. You'd have to use it a lot though.”
“I'm as bad as you are,” she said, still sounding guilty.
“Don't be so hard on yourself, for heaven's sake. You're
only human. And you did all the right things. You stopped me. You sent me away. You told me you wouldn't see me again.” He counted her virtues, hating every one of them, but respecting her for her courage and ethics. She was determined to be faithful.
“Yeah, I did all that,” she said, correcting him, “after I kissed you, repeatedly, I might add.”
“Listen, counselor, kissing is not a crime in this country. Take it easy. This is not Victorian England. You did all the right stuff, you should be pleased with yourself,” he reminded her, still wishing she were less faithful to Brandon.
“I'm not pleased. I'm miserable and I miss you,” she confessed, and they both laughed.
“I'm glad to hear it,” he said, beaming. “How does tomorrow look, or does that make any difference?”
“Pretty busy, and no, it doesn't.”
“I figured that,” he said, sounding depressed. “When are you going back?”
“Friday.”
“So am I. Can we at least fly back together? I promise not to do anything outrageous on the airplane.” She laughed at the idea, but then that didn't seem smart to her. Why torture themselves? They obviously couldn't keep their hands off each other.
“I don't think so, Jeff. Maybe lunch in L.A. sometime.”
“Come on,” he complained, “that's bullshit. We deserve better than that. Can't we be friends, at least? This doesn't make sense. You're not a nun, you're a woman. And you're not even married to the guy.” And his guess was she never would be. But by the time she figured that out and got free again, God only knew what he'd be doing, or where he'd be living. Timing was important in life, and he had no intention of waiting to see her again until she gave up Brandon. At the rate she was going it could take years. “Allegra, just see me once, before you go back. Please. I need to see you.”
“You don't need to, you want to,” she argued.
“I'll make a real nuisance of myself if you don't. I'll come to the hotel and lie on the floor in the lobby. I'll bring the hansom cab back and bring the horse through the revolving door.” He always made her laugh, and he made her happy. “What are you doing to us, you silly girl? What's this all about?”
The Wedding Page 14