“You ate something today?” I asked, and she shook her head no. She told me that same shit yesterday, the day before that, and so on. Jashae was over there killing herself. “Jashae, I can’t even find the right words to say to you, shorty. I’m hurt by this shit too, and I only did so much with having him in my life. For the first six years, I was there for Vonte, but everything else after that, I been here, on the outside looking in. Yeah, we talked on the phone, and he would come down for visitation whenever you brought him, but that doesn’t even compare to the way you had him for the last seventeen years. I know you hurting, baby, but at the same time, Shae, you gotta take care of yourself. Vonte wouldn’t want to see you like this, and you know it,” I said.
The whole time I spoke to her, she was crying. I mean, hysterically crying to the point that I had to turn the volume down on the phone.
“I don’t want to be hereee… I don’t want to be here anymore, Trip…. I want to go with him.” she cried while wiping her eyes.
“Don’t talk like that, Jashae! Don’t say no shit like that, man! We gotta get through this together, yo! You stronger than you think you are. For real, baby, don’t talk like that,” I said as my voice cracked.
It hurt because I wasn’t there to watch her. I wasn’t there to stop her from harming herself if she tried to. She didn’t say anything for about five minutes. Her head was down, and she was crying. I didn’t say anything. I just allowed her to get it out. I was able to check out her surroundings, and it was plain and clear that she was in Vonte’s room. I could tell by the color of the walls and the plaques and ribbons that were hung up. When she finally pulled her head back up, she used the bottom of her shirt to wipe her eyes.
“Why don’t you go over to your grandma’s house or your pops? Even Mahogany’s place. I don’t want you in that house by yourself,” I let her know.
“I’m not here alone. Mahogany is here with me,” she said and wiped her eyes. “Did you get approved to come for the funeral?” she asked, and I shook my head.
“Fuck ass warden denied me. They looked at behavior and all that shit, and I guess he saw the number of fights and shit that I’ve been in since I got here, he denied it. Fuck that got to do with me burying my son? I bet if I was a cracka, they would have let me go. I guess this comes with the lifestyle, right? You do wrong, and wrong shit continues to happen to you. They only doing a nigga dirty because this is what I deserve,” I said, and a lone, angry tear escaped from my eyes.
“Giovonni, you don’t deserve this. Yes, you have been locked up for the majority of Vonte’s life, but you were still a father to him, even with you incarcerated. You don’t deserve to not be able to attend our son’s funeral. I never needed you here with me so bad before in my life. I need you, Trip,” she weakly let me know.
Those words tugged at my heart something crazy.
“I know you do, shorty, and it’s killing me that I’m not there to be with you. Baby, as much as I would like to stay on the phone with you, I don’t want to risk this shit. I can’t let them find this phone, and they throw me in the hole. Then I can’t be here to talk to you. For Vonte and me, Shae, go take a shower, eat something, and try to get some sleep tonight, alright? Promise me something, Jashae,” I called out, looking her dead in her eyes through the phone.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Promise me that you won’t do anything crazy and harm yourself. Just as much as you need me, I need your ass too,” I reasoned.
“I promise I won’t,” she after about two minutes of silence.
“Alright. I love you, girl. More than anything in this fuckin’ world, I swear I love you,” I let her know.
“I know. I love you too,” she said, and I hung up.
That shower that I told her to take along with eating, and getting a good night’s rest, I knew that neither of the three would happen. I’d been telling her for days to do the shit, and each day her face popped up on the screen, she looked like the day before when we last talked. I was trying to avoid having my ole girl go over and be there for Jashae in my absence, but that’s what was going to happen if she didn’t start taking care of herself.
Hearing Jashae speaking tonight and basically admit to wanting to kill herself had me up. I couldn’t sleep. I had no type of proof or sign that would leave me feeling confident that she wasn’t going to harm herself.
Jashae Johnson
Seventeen years ago, when my water broke in the middle of the night, and those contractions started ripping through my small, pregnant body, I just knew that it would forever be the worst kind of pain that I would ever feel in my life. I knew that nothing could beat that type of pain. Even till this day, I can remember what those contractions felt like. They were so powerful that went I crept down the hallway to my grandmother’s room to let her know that my water had broken, I could hardly talk due to the amount of pain that I was in.
Boy was I wrong about that being the greatest pain that I would ever have to feel. My son’s passing was the contractions for me, today being the funeral was the actual pushing, the no epidural, the ripping, and the blood. My body was in pain, and nothing was slowing it down. The funeral was today, and I couldn’t handle it. The sun rose this morning, and I was in the same place where my back was against the wall last night, which was in Vonte’s bedroom. My body reeked of must, sweat, and tears. I hadn’t looked in a mirror in days, so I could only imagine what I looked like.
The uniform that my son played in on the evening he died was still draped across my lap, and I’d been doing so much crying, yelling, and not taking care of my body in general that I had run myself sick. My voice was gone, I felt like I had a bad cold, and I had been having bad migraines for the past couple of days, which is why I was always in Vonte’s room sitting in the dark.
All of a sudden, the bedroom door flew open, and it was my grandmother. She was holding a black dress of mine in her hands, some heels, and my undergarments.
“Jashae, let’s go! Get up right now! I have a shower in the hallway bathroom running for you,” she sternly said.
My grandmother was the one person in the family who was holding us all together. I’m not sure how she was doing it, but she was so strong. Vonte was just as much a son to her as he was to me. That boy loved his great grandmother, and she loved him just as much. I watched her as she tossed the clothes and things that were in her hands on the bed before she went over to the curtains and pulled them back, lighting up the room.
My head started throbbing so badly from her doing that, and because I had stayed cooped up in this room for so long, I wasn’t used to the light. I brought my head into my lap in an attempt to block it out.
“Get up, Jashae,” my grandma said again.
“Ima get up, ma… just give me a second,” I hoarsely said to her.
“Do you hear yourself, Shae? You done ran yourself sick in here. Jashae, I won’t even pretend that I know what this feels like because honestly, I don’t. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a son so I won’t dare come in here and tell you how to feel. That’s not my place to tell you that, but baby, today is the day of Vonte’s funeral, and I can’t let you go out like this. I’ve been watching you like this for the past two weeks, and I’ve allowed you to push me and everyone away while you suffer in here alone, but that stops today. Get up, Jashae.” This time, she yelled.
I stood up, and when I did, she walked over to me and held me tight. I wrapped my arms around her, and I squeezed her just as tightly. With me in her arms, she sang a song to me that she used to walk around the house and sing all the time when I was a little girl.
“Better days
Better days
Better days are coming,” she sang to me.
I had to have been holding onto her for at least ten minutes. It’s like I needed that hug because I couldn’t seem to let her ago, even if I tried. She held me and rocked our bodies from side to side. When she finished singing, she prayed over me again. My grandmother was always
praying for me, but ever since I lost Vonte, she’s been doing it more than usual. After I finally found the strength to pull away from her, I walked out of the room and into the hallway bathroom, where the shower was running for me just like she said.
I closed the door behind me, and when I saw what was looking back at me back in the mirror, I swear I wanted to cry. I’ve never looked this bad in my life. It was to the point where I looked almost unrecognizable. My skin just looked dirty and dry. The circles under my eyes told it all. I couldn’t lie and tell people that I was sleeping because the circles told my truth. Bloodshot red eyes, which resembled a person who was high off marijuana. I looked under the counter and grabbed the Cantu shampoo and conditioner so I could wash my hair while I showered.
I was inside the shower, wishing for the day to be over already. Today was the day I would bury my son. I wanted to put this day on hold for as long as I could, but as Vonte’s mother, I had to put on my big girl panties and give him the home going service that he deserved. What made today even harder was the fact that Trip wouldn’t be there.
I meant what I said to him a week ago about me needing him. I felt like I’ve never needed him more in my life. It killed me that he wouldn’t be able to attend our son’s funeral today, but there was nothing that I could do to change that. I barely had enough strength in my body for myself so I couldn’t be his strength as well.
After taking a much needed shower and washing my hair, I stepped out of the glass walk in shower. I wrapped one towel around my body and another one around my damp hair. I stood at the sink and brushed my teeth then rinsed it out with some mouthwash. Before I left the bathroom, I made sure to grab the blow dryer that was underneath the sink, and I took the stairs to my room.
I hadn’t been down there in days because I’d been spending the majority of my days inside Vonte’s room, damn near to the point where someone would have to drag me out. When I made it to my room, Mahogany was in there, and she was fully dressed. No matter how many times I’ve cursed her out in these past few weeks, telling her to take her ass home, she wouldn’t. Mahogany hadn’t left this house since I came home from the hospital. I didn’t know if she was staying because she thought that I was going to harm myself or what, but she’d pretty much moved right into the guest bedroom.
“Sit down. I’ll blow dry it for you,” she said.
I didn’t say anything back to her. Instead, I just walked over and took a seat at the ottoman, which was at the foot of my bed. She didn’t say anything either. She just removed the towel from over my head and into the bathroom to grab some combs and clips. For over twenty minutes, she stood behind me and blow dried my hair.
“Can you flat iron it for me and part it down the middle? Vonte liked when I wore my hair like that,” I said, with a sly smile on my face.
Whenever I used to leave in the mornings on the weekends to get my hair done, he would always scream out, “Make sure they do it bone straight, with that middle part. You know that’s my favorite.”
I’d never get the chance to hear him say that to me again. Every time I found myself thinking about all the good times that Vonte and I shared, in that same breath, I get emotional as well because all of those things will just be a thing of the past now.
“The thought of having children never crossed my mind. It’s not even that I don’t like kids. If anything, I just like the idea of having someone’s kids for a few hours and then giving them back. If anything ever made me think that I wanted kids, even if it were just for a second, it would have to have been because of you and Vonte. I adored your relationship. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. You loved that boy with every bone in your body, and the same thing goes for him.
“Jashae, you did your job as a mother. In fact, you exceeded your job. Vonte left knowing that he was loved, appreciated, worth something, and cherished. I don’t expect you to go back to the old you overnight, but Shae, I’m going to tell you like everybody else has been telling you; you know Vonte wouldn’t want to see you like this. You’re damn near killing yourself. Shae, I’m here. I haven’t been to work in two weeks because I know you need your family and me, you just don’t want to admit it right now. I don’t care if you come get me out of my bed at three in the morning and you just need someone to sit up with you and talk, I will be there for you. Let’s lay your handsome king to rest today and get you feeling better, alright?” Mahogany asked.
It was never a question whether Mahogany was going to be there for me or not because I couldn’t remember a time when I ever needed her, and she wasn’t there.
“Thank you. Sis, I’m going to try. I swear I am,” I assured her.
It took her about half an hour to straighten my hair for me, and once she was finished, my grandmother came in the room holding onto the dress again. She also let it be known at the limo was outside, ready to take us to the church where Vonte’s funeral would be held today. It was the same church that he and I grew up in; my grandmother’s church.
Crazy how this black dress that I was putting on to wear was a dress that I probably wore to work two months ago, and when I wore it then, it was fitted. Today, the dress fit like I’d gotten it two sizes too big. I couldn’t care less about what I looked like, especially when I was getting ready to face some real life stuff. I threw a blazer on top of the dress, applied some lotion to my legs, and I slipped my heels on. I had no choice but to wear oversized frames on my face to block out what I felt was ugliness.
When I made it down the stairs, my grandmother, Mahogany, and my daddy were all waiting. In no time, we all piled up in the limo, and no one said anything. I leaned my head against the window and tears fell that I didn’t even bother to wipe. In no time, we pulled up at the church, and I was the last one to get out, with my dad’s assistance. Once I was out, he pulled me into him for a hug.
There were hundreds of cars parked outside in front of the church. The church parking lot wasn’t even big enough to hold all the cars, so people were leaving their cars in the street, next door in the plaza’s lot, just everywhere. A school bus with my son’s school name on it pulled up, and the entire basketball team walked out. They all wore jerseys with Vonte’s number on it. It was no secret that Vonte was my son, so as I got closer to the church doors, holding onto my daddy’s hand, I received so many looks of sympathy.
Old women who knew me would pull me into them and say a quick prayer over me. People were grabbing my hand and crying for me because they probably could only imagine what this had to have felt like. It was finally our turn to walk into the church. On the outside, I was just fine, but on the inside, I was an emotional wreck. As we walked inside, the choir was singing, and I silently cried as I walked to the front and got ready to view my son lying in his casket. The moment I made it to the front, my dad let go of my hand, so that I could go up there and have my moment with him.
Both of my hands went on the front of the casket, and I bit my bottom lip as I cried for him. He was so handsome in his white suit. He looked to have been in a peaceful sleep. I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me, but I swear he was smiling.
“Heaven couldn’t wait, huh? Giovonte, I love you. I love you, baby. My heart is broken. I’m broken. Save a spot for me. I guess you finally get to meet your grandmother, huh? All we ever saw was pictures of her. I miss you so much… so much, baby boy,” I let him know.
There was so much that I wanted to say to him, but this was too damn hard on me. I kissed him on his cheeks and his forehead, and I placed my hand on top of his for at least ten seconds before I left him. I took my seat in the front row of the church, and I silently cried as I watched my family members come over and have their moment with Vonte as well.
My dad wrapped one arm around me, and we sat like that for the entire funeral. It was a full house, to the point that it was standing room only. My son knew so many people, and it was as if everyone wanted to come up there and say something about him. Hearing the good things that frie
nds, teachers, and coaches were saying about my son proved to me that I raised one hell of a little boy. It was finally my son’s coach, Coach Samuel’s turn to come up and say a few words. He got a hold of the mike, cleared his throat, and he began.
“I remember the first time I met Vonte. He was fourteen and a freshman. Cocky little something. I mean that physically, but I also mean it in terms of his personality. He could play ball, there was no doubt about that. In fact, before try-outs had even started, I sat in my office, which allowed me to overlook the whole gym, so I was already studying him and watched the way he continued to make three-pointers halfway across the court, never missing any of the shots. Two weeks later, the roster for JV and Varsity was posted outside the door to the gym. Vonte was only fourteen at the time, a freshman, so the rule was for all freshman to go on JV. Nahhhh, not Vonte, though,” he said, and everyone laughed.
I laughed too because I remember when this actually happened.
“That boy looked me in my eyes and told me how dare I put him on JV with the skills that he had. I explained to him the rules of why he had to go on JV, and he still wasn’t having it. I remember him telling me he was going to tell his mama and bring her out to the school. Immediately, I pictured a big woman, probably 6’5”, muscular like her son, but I was wayyyyy off. Vonte brought his mama, and she was maybe 5’3”, a little something, but to him, she was that 6’5”, muscular woman that I thought she was. That was his mother, and he thought of her as his protection.
“I remember Jashae getting all in my face, telling me I better put her son on the varsity team, and even after all of that, his butt stayed right there on JV, and the next year, he was finally moved up. Jashae, I want to stand here before you today and let you know that you did one heck of a job raising that little boy. Yes, he was cocky, but he had every right because he was destined for greatness. Easily one of the most well-respected kids that I ever met in my life. Earlier in the season, I remember pulling him to the side and asking him why he wanted to go to the NBA. Like everyone else, his answer was because he loved basketball and he wanted to play, but it was something else he said that had me feeling inspired by him, and I’m almost twice his age. His answer was because his mama had him when she was thirteen, and he wanted to do big things, so that you could see that although having him at such a young age was something that was frowned upon, he also wanted to show you that in the end, he could be that blessing for you. He wanted to make sure that you knew every day that choosing to have him wasn’t a mistake.
Down With the King of the South Page 13