by Noel Merczel
“Sure!” Mr. Sexy Jogger replies, in response to Andrea's offer of a drink.
“C’mon!” Andrea exclaims, leading him into the house.
“Are you sure this is okay?” he asks, like he's suddenly having second thoughts.
“Oh yea!” Andrea assures him. “I see you practically every night. I already feel like I know you.”
“I think I want to know you better,” he replies, suggestively.
She feels him reach out for her. His big meaty hand is on her yellow cotton butt. He squeezes, hard.
Andrea yelps like a startled puppy.
He snickers.
But instead of going into the kitchen to get something to drink, Andrea scurries down the basement stairs.
He’s hot on her heels.
“You have something to drink down there?” Mr. Sexy Jogger asks.
“Uh...sure!” Andrea says. “I’m leading you to our wine cellar.”
“Fancy shmancy!” he quips.
Once in the basement, Andrea runs into the laundry room. Mr. Sexy Jogger runs after her.
“SORRY WE DON’T HAVE A PING-PONG TABLE!” she shouts, suddenly feeling a bit nervous.
Now that she has him down here, she's not sure what to do with him.
“Oh that’s okay,” he says. “I’d rather have you on a table.”
“Oh!” Andrea says, blushing.
Mr. Sexy Jogger backs her into a corner.
He puts his arms around her; his big thick muscly arms. Andrea feels incredibly small and helpless in his grasp. She squirms. Then she manages to slip down out of his grasp and get away.
“You little tease!” he tells her.
“No!” she replies.
She skips away. He follows.
Andrea thinks this must be the most delicious game of cat and mouse ever!
But Mr. Sexy Jogger has had enough. He grabs her. Then he pushes Andrea over to the Salvation Army couch.
She falls onto the couch and suddenly, he's on top of her.
His hands are all over her.
Andrea can’t help but see the gigantic bulge in his jeans...so much bigger than Mark Fishman’s bulge.
He sees her looking.
“Touch it,” he says.
Gingerly, she does.
“Oh,” he groans.
“Earth to Andrea!” Drew said.
What is Drew doing in my fantasy? Andrea wondered...until she realized that she had completely zoned out.
“Sorry,” Andrea told her friend.
Then she made a point of sitting up straight on the couch.
“I'm just tired. I should probably be drinking a Red Bull instead of beer.”
Andrea sighed with disappointment.
Just when her fantasy was getting good....
CHAPTER FIVE
Everyone watched as Lisa danced around the dark basement putting on a show, as usual. She waved her beer bottle in the air while wearing a hot pink glow-stick headband with mouse ears that matched her hot pink top.
“SOMEONE TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS!” Lisa shouted, lifting up her top.
Lisa's giant boobs were squeezed into a neon magenta push-up bra.
“I like that bra!” Patty exclaimed. “Did you get it at Maybelline’s?”
“WHERE ELSE?” Lisa bellowed. "I HAVE MY WHOLE TEN PERCENT DISCOUNT, YOU KNOW!"
“No one’s taking a picture of your tits,” Drew informed her, spinning around slowly in the computer chair.
“DO IT, BITCH!” Lisa screeched, shaking her beer bottle in Drew’s direction which caused the foamy liquid to splatter onto the tile floor. “OR I’LL SHAVE OFF EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY!”
"Hey, Lisa! Try to stay in control!" I warned. "My dad said no parties."
Immediately, Andrea wished she hadn't said that. She sounded like a paranoid thirteen year old.
"It's just that my dad is so super strict," she added lamely.
”OOOO, POOR BABY!" Lisa cried out in a fake sympathetic tone.
Even in the dim basement light, Lisa could see Lisa puffing out her already puffy lips, attempting to imitate a sexy pout.
Duck lips. Trout pout. Andrea despised that look; a favorite of so many girls on her Facebook page.
"C'mon, Andy. You're eighteen!" Patty said, siding with Lisa as usual. "You can stop acting like a little kid now, ya know."
"She acts like a little kid because she still looks like one," Lisa said, popping off the top of yet another Leinenkugel.
Suddenly, Lisa stood perfectly still, attempting to arrange her puffy mouth into a thoughtful line.
"Do you think that's true?" she asked, addressing the girls with curious bloodshot eyes. "That people act the way they look?"
"Oh my GAWD, look who's getting all philosophical here!" Drew cried, followed by a huge hiccup.
"My aunt Theresa is the crankiest bitch on earth," Lisa continued. "And she has this hideous face that just goes into a big giant frown."
Patty laughed hysterically at that.
Andrea thought that Patty sounded like a demented hyena when she laughed, but she politely kept that thought to herself.
"No, I'm serious!" Lisa said. "Even when she's smiling, which isn't very often, it still looks like she has a frown on her face. All I'm saying, is maybe that's why she's so damn bitchy all the time. I mean, I would be, if I looked like that."
"Actually, that is a very insightful question," Drew remarked.
Drew was always one to give credit where credit was due. That was just the sort of person she was.
"I mean, I look sort of geeky..." Drew offered.
"And you go to those Cosplay events dressed like Batgirl!" Lisa exclaimed triumphantly. "See? I told you. It's true! Drew loves Batman...Drew loves Batman...."
"God, who sounds immature now?" Andrea asked, rolling her eyes.
"I do think Batman's sort of sexy," Drew admitted. "Much sexier than Superman or Spiderman. I mean, he has the cave and the ears.....I still think Michael Keaton was the best Batman..."
"Spoken like a true geek," Lisa said, sounding like she was already bored with the subject.
"You mean, I look young for my age, so that's why I act young?" Andrea asked, folding her arms over her chest.
"That's exactly what I mean, babes!" Lisa exclaimed. "Plus I think you make it a point to open your eyes super wide...trying to look dumb and innocent, like a lil’ ole country gal!"
"That's ridiculous!" Andrea scoffed.
“Yea, really Lisa...”Drew said. “What is your problem?”
Andrea was so over being told she looked young for her age.... usually by Lisa, with a nasty tone in her voice. She couldn't help the way she looked, okay? Maybe she did have a round face with big eyes. Was that her fault?
Lisa was really pretty and she knew it. So Andrea couldn't help but wonder why Lisa felt the need to put her down constantly. She also couldn't understand why Lisa felt it necessary to call her dumb. That was a low blow.
After all, they'd been friends for years, with a history of birthday parties and clubs and trick or treating and summer camp, and one year, in sixth grade, Lisa even accompanied Andrea's family to Wisconsin for vacation.
Besides, in Andrea's opinion, she was ten times more intelligent than Lisa. After all, she had goals. Real goals. Not some pie-in-the-sky dream of becoming a supermodel.
Andrea was planning on going to college and getting her degree so she could get a job as an art teacher. Not only would she earn a great salary, she would also be encouraging young minds to be creative...not to mention, getting the whole summer off.
Now how smart was that?
"Why are you such a goody-goody?" Lisa demanded, flopping down on the couch next to Andrea.
Lisa rubbed Andrea's hair, deliberately messing it up. Then she lifted the electric blue pillow off the giant stain and plopped it down on top of Andrea's head.
"What a beautiful hat," Lisa sighed.
/> "Cut it out!" Andrea whined, immediately wishing she hadn’t.
Andrea took the blue pillow off her head and carefully placed it back over the stain. Then she smoothed her hair down while glaring at Lisa.
"Oh please!" Lisa huffed. "Who are you kidding? We all know that stain is there. The question is, what caused it?"
Lisa finished off her bottle of Leinenkugel and slammed it down on the scuffed table, yet another Salvation Army purchase.
"Sex, of course!" Patty declared. "That stain was caused by Andrea's parents during a mad passionate lovemaking session!"
"Oh my God, I feel sick," Andrea moaned.
Just the thought of her parents having sex really did make Andrea feel sick. Nobody wants to think of his or her parents having sex.
“The stain was there when we bought it, you weirdo," Andrea said.
"I think my eczema's coming back!" Patty suddenly announced, flipping on the light switch and staring at herself in her compact. "My skin is so itchy."
"You just have really sensitive skin," Andrea told her friend, which was true.
Patty’s skin was always getting mysterious red blotches all over it.
"Maybe you should use that hypo-allergenic foundation."
"I do. It doesn't help," Patty said. "Oh wait a minute. It's not eczema, after all. Just a dumb old mosquito bite. Damn, it's fucking huge! Like it could win a contest! I had a dream about a mosquito bite like this once...."
"TURN THAT LIGHT OFF!" Lisa ordered. "I CAN'T SEE THE GLOW STICKS THIS WAY!"
The girls were all wearing their glow bracelets and glow necklaces from Maybelline’s.
"Your parents make marijuana juice, Andy?" Patty asked, inspecting a bottle of E-juice from the counter. "Is that legal?"
"LET ME SEE!" Drew cried, bouncing over to where Patty was standing. "It says Mary Jane, and has a picture of some hot woman posing in a giant marijuana plant. Ew gross, did you dad pick this picture?"
"Oh brother," Andrea said, inwardly groaning.
Once again, Andrea wished her parents could have a normal business. Why E-juice? It didn't seem like the proper product for people their age to be selling. It was just so embarrassing.
”It's not real marijuana," Andrea explained. "It's just supposed to taste like it. It's dumb...like a novelty product. My dad thinks it'll appeal to hipsters."
"Do you ever smoke any of that stuff yourself?" Patty asked.
"You mean vape... not smoke," Andrea corrected her. "It's water vapor. Sometimes I vape the zero nicotine, just to try out a flavor. But it's kinda dumb, since I don't smoke anyway, you know? It's really more for people who want to quit cigarettes."
"What's your favorite flavor?" Drew inquired.
"Peach Ring is pretty good," Andrea answered, as Lisa marched dramatically over to where Patty and Drew were standing. Then she flipped off the light switch.
”That's rude!" Drew cried.
"Let's play America's Next Top Model!" Lisa declared. "Who wants to be Tyra?"
"ME! ME!" Drew.hollered, twisting her super long fly-away tresses into a side ponytail.
“Hey, is that guy Nick still taking your pictures?” Patty asked Lisa.
“Yea, and he wants to poke me,” Lisa said with a giggle, like she liked the idea. “He got a hard-on the other day, out in the yard.”
“Ew!” Patty said, squishing up her wide flat nose. “How old is he, like forty?”
“NO!” Lisa yelled. “Maybe thirty…”
“Still gross,” Drew pointed out. “I mean, he’s that old and still lives at home. Can you say... loser? Okay, excuse me folks. I have to go be Tyra now.”
Drew pranced around the gray tile floor in an exaggerated cat-walk style.
"So ya wanna be ON TOP?" she purred, imitating the opening song from the TV show.
Andrea couldn't help but smile at her friend pretending to be Tyra Banks. Drew couldn't look more opposite than Tyra if she tried.
"Smile with your eyes, people!" Drew growled. "I want you to look fierce! Grrrrr!"
Drew clawed at the air while baring her teeth.
Lisa ran her hands down her body in a suggestive way.
"I wanna be on top!" she purred.
"Tell that to Nick!" Andrea exclaimed.
"Oooo, I wanna be on top!" Patty said, munching away on a handful of Cheese Doodles.
"Put that snack food away!" Lisa admonished her. " Models don't eat that crap and you shouldn't either!"
Lisa took a big swig of yet another Linenkugal and burped.
"Oopsie," she said, swaying slightly.
"Models don't burp, either," Andrea reminded her.
"They probably do," Patty said. "They probably do all sorts of disgusting things when no one's looking, like fart and pick their nose....."
Patricia, put that snack food down!" Lisa ordered again. "Fluff up your hair! Get your model on! You too, fairy princess!"
Andrea sighed and stood up. She shook her head, causing her long thick honey colored hair to bounce all around her face. Okay, so maybe she was doing that for Lisa’s benefit.
She caught Lisa tossing her hair an annoyed look. Andrea felt pleased about that for some reason, like she had won....won what, though, she wasn't sure.
Patty put the bag of Cheese Doodles down. Then all three of the girls assembled next to each other and stood expectantly in front of Drew.
"Did I mention that I saw a homeless woman behind Maybelline’s tonight?" Lisa suddenly asked.
"A real homeless person?" Andrea queried. "How did you know she was homeless?"
"Because!" Lisa exclaimed. "You could just tell. She looked all gross and ratty, and she was just wandering around back there, looking weird and drunk off her ass...."
"Ew," Patty commented.
"Yea, that's kind of disturbing," Andrea agreed. "I didn't think this was that sort of town."
"I was once homeless, myself!" Drew declared, in an overly dramatic voice, transforming herself, once again, into Tyra Banks. "But I overcame that! I gained strength and discovered my inner lioness! And you can too. Oh, yes! I know you can!
"Now listen up! We're playing for a fantastic prize package this time! A lifetime contract with Wilhemena Models....a seventy year contract with Cover Girl Make-up...."
Patty and Andrea giggled appropriately. Lisa just looked annoyed.
"A three year contract with Reptile Magazine...."
"Come on, Drew!" Lisa complained. "Be serious."
"TYRA MAIL!" Patty shouted.
"YAY!" the girls screamed, imitating the would-be models on the show.
Lisa took a piece of printer paper off the computer desk and folded it up. Then she unfolded the paper and pretended to read.
"For this challenge, you must channel your inner lioness…"
Lisa was interrupted by a super loud THUMP on the basement window.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" she screamed.
One thing was for sure.
It wasn't a beetle.
CHAPTER SIX
Mimi and Roger, who lived three houses down the block from Andrea in the Shady Oaks development, were just finishing up a late dinner.
Roger had prepared hamburgers on the grill which he served on pretzel buns (okay, so he was copying Wendy's). He also whipped up some delicious doctored-up Bush’s baked beans for a side dish, loaded with molasses and brown sugar.
Roger had been at the job-site late, trying to get all the last minute work done on the A.T.&T. conference room job. Dealing with his cranky and complaining crew was a whole other job, in and of itself. He was the project manager for an up and coming millwork company called Mighty Millwork. Right now, they were on fire; scoring the biggest jobs in Chicago and the surrounding suburbs, known as "Chicago Land."
He was making good money which was a godsend since his wife Mimi couldn't seem to get a job. Roger and Mimi had not even been married a year. They were really still newlyweds. Although
, in Roger's opinion, they sure didn't act the part. Well...he did. But his wife was so incredibly insecure.