I stuffed the entire peanut butter cup into my mouth and savored the way the salty and the sweet filled my mouth. In that moment, it was the only thing that made me feel the tiniest bit better.
* * *
My mom was in a funk. She said she loved her job and California; we even settled into our place quickly, excitedly furnishing it from the incredible flea markets and Goodwill stores we rummaged, but I heard her crying night after night when she thought I was sleeping.
It was even more evident something was wrong when my dad showed up a month later, suitcase in hand. Our house suddenly felt crowded. All this time I’d wished for him to hurry up and get here, and now that he was here, I was annoyed by everything he said.
“Why didn’t you pick something a little bigger?” Dad asked. “It’s like I turn around and you’re on top of me. I’m already suffocatin’ over the smog. Don’t need you takin’ my air in the house too. And it’s always day after bloody day of sunshine,” he went on. “None of these people have ever been through a hard winter, no wonder they’re so bloody cheery.”
This went on for a few weeks until my mother had enough. “You’ll be glad to come home to it if you get yourself a job and get out a bit,” she said, her face ruddy from anger.
My dad didn’t like hearing that and let her know it. I left when he started yelling about looking for a bloody fuckin’ job. I shut the door and then heard my mom say, “If you hate it so much here, you can always go back to Holmes Chapel…lord knows you can be the big fish in the pond there.”
When I got up the next morning, he was gone. For good.
9
Present
Diary, you have it made.
I want to live in your paper walls and never have to make any decisions.
The End.
Mira
I wake up feeling like I have a hangover even though I’m stone-cold sober. Jaxson’s words from the night before are at the forefront of my mind, no matter how much I try to push them aside. How could he say all of those things…now? The more I think about it, the angrier I become. All these years and he chooses now to realize he’s in love with me after all? I don’t think so.
Chad has been sulking since our night out and I know I need to deal with him, but I just haven’t felt up to it yet. Tomorrow, I tell myself. Or maybe today if I hear from him.
I get ready for the day and walk into the living room where Dave is drinking coffee and reading the paper. We’re still in the cottage, but we added a second story after my dad left. It’s still cozy. I wondered if I would feel weird coming home with Dave living here now, but he’s so quiet, it hasn’t made much of a difference.
“There’s more coffee in there if you need some,” Dave says.
“Thanks.” I pad slowly toward the kitchen and then he speaks up again. He points at a box.
“Almost forgot. That was sitting outside this morning when I went for my run,” he says. “It has your name on it.”
My heartbeat quickens. I know what it is from across the room. I just don’t know what it’s doing here. Our box. I left that buried when I moved across the continent. Jaxson and I talked a lot about it back then, sad that neither of us had a chance to bring it with us. He always said he’d go back and get it one day, but I assumed neither of us ever would.
I lift the lid and pick up the list. It looks the same. Hard to believe it could stay the same when everything about us is different now. There’s an envelope in the box that I don’t recognize. I open it and pull out the note first.
I dug this up a year ago. Can you believe I found it with no trouble?
Give me another chance, Bells. I want your friendship back. I’d rather have it all, but I’ll take anything I can get. The summer…can you give me that?
Or at least this trip?
Confused, I pull out what’s left in the envelope. It’s a ticket to Paris, leaving in two days. I stare at it like it’s going to tell me what to do.
“You okay?” Dave asks, setting his paper down and staring at me.
“He’s lost his mind,” I say, dropping the ticket into the box and putting the box under my arm. I look at Dave and he’s looking at me like I’m the one losing it. I shake my head. “Thanks. Don’t worry. I’m not going to fall for it again.”
Dave’s mouth parts and I realize he has no clue what I’m going on about.
“Never mind.” I wave my hand in his direction.
His brows draw together. “Care to fill me in?”
“It just figures when I finally move on and get over him that he decides to go all in.” I pace back and forth in front of the fireplace, my face heating with growing rage. “I mean…what is it—he meets my boyfriend and can’t handle the fact that I’m finally going out with someone?”
“You, uh…you’ve gone out with more guys than Chad, right? Who are we talking about again?”
“He doesn’t know that. At least I don’t think he knows about Alex or Sam.” I roll my eyes over the fact that I haven’t gone out with more guys. I spent too many years agonizing over him to give anyone else a chance. “How dare he?” I yell.
Dave leans forward, elbows on his knees. “Right.” He stands up and puts his hand on my shoulder. I pause my pacing and look at him. “Should I make a pot of tea?”
I give him a wobbly smile. His tea tastes like murky lukewarm water, but I’m touched that he’s trying to help. My mum and I turn to tea for every occasion, good or bad, but especially when we need comfort.
“No, it’s okay. Thanks for listening. I’m sorry for rambling nonsense. I’ll just go put this upstairs.” I hold up the box.
“Mirabelle?” he says. “I’ve never seen you so, um, worked up. My guess is that anyone that makes you feel so impassioned must be someone you really care about. Might be worth hearing him out.” He drops his hand and looks shy again.
“You’re a good guy, Dave,” I finally say. “Thanks. I’ll think about what you said.”
He nods and moves back to the chair and picks up the paper. “Ah, would you look at that. Dolphins have been spotted near our favorite beach all week.”
My eyes fill with tears. I can’t help but think of number seven on our list: Go swimming with dolphins. There is no escaping Jaxson Marshall.
* * *
We need to talk.
I read the text and immediately type back: Agreed. Starbucks in an hour?
Chad is sitting near the front when I get there, scarfing down a muffin. “Hey,” he says, and crumbs go flying.
I laugh and sit down by him.
“Sorry, I was saving some for you but couldn’t wait.” He holds up the last bite and I shake my head.
“I’m not hungry. I’m glad you texted,” I say.
He sets down the empty wrapper and dusts off his mouth, avoiding eye contact with me. I’ve never been nervous with Chad, but he’s acting so strange, my stomach turns over.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“I’m just going to say it outright.” His head drops down and when he looks back up at me, his eyes are full of guilt.
“I’ve met someone,” he says.
“Oh!” I slump back in my seat. Not what I was expecting. “Okay…” I don’t really know what to say, so I just sit there for a minute and wait for him to say something.
“I’m sorry. Things have been crazy this summer, but I didn’t plan on this.” He’s so pitiful that I feel bad for not caring more.
“It’s okay.” I put my hand on his and he grasps it tight. “Really, Chad. I’m not mad.”
He nods and looks down at the table. “I knew you wouldn’t be.”
And then I feel the guilt for not ending this relationship a while ago, when it was already dying.
“You’ve never been as into me as I wished you were,” he adds. “I guess I thought in time.” He shrugs. “I haven’t had sex with anyone, I want you to know that…but I wanted to let you know before it got to that point.”
What do I say to that? You’re righ
t…and thank you? I nod and smile awkwardly. “Be happy. Okay? And thanks for everything.”
He nods back and stands up. “Well, I’m gonna head out. Take care, Mira.”
* * *
We need to talk. This time I text those words and then delete them…then re-type and hit send.
Seconds later, he responds. Time and place. I’ll be there.
La Jolla Cove. Bring your suit.
I put my wet suit on and hop in the car, careful to not overthink what I’ve just set in motion. It’s already been set in motion, I remind myself as I park. Jaxson is standing there already next to his surfboard, looking glorious in his wet suit.
“We’ve missed them every time for one reason or another,” I say, not bothering with a hello or bringing up all the foul reasons we missed the dolphins before. “Today’s the day to see the dolphins.” I point out to the ocean and sure enough, in the distance, I see one jump in the water.
His eyes light up. “I haven’t even looked out there yet. I was watching for you.” His eyes roam over my body in the formfitting suit. “How about I just look at you looking at the dolphins?” He grins and I roll my eyes, moving past him.
When he doesn’t immediately follow me, I turn around and he’s transfixed by my lower half. My arse, what have you. We might be California people now, but arse will always stick.
I clear my throat and his eyes meet mine, no apology in sight, just brazen admiration. I stop and put my hands on my hips, glaring at him.
“There’s no way the things on the list are going to get checked off. I don’t know why you’ve got this idea that suddenly everything is just going to return to normal. I don’t even know what that is anymore when it comes to me and you.” I swallow hard and plow ahead. “Thank you for the ticket to Paris, but I won’t be going with you. But this I can do…today. This will be the only thing we do and then we’ll put the list to rest for good. Okay?”
His grin drops, and for a moment, I want to change my mind about everything.
“Dolphins it is,” he says quietly.
We walk along the beach, the perfect light cast upon the water, and the sight of dolphins swimming closer than they’ve ever been. Something I’ve wished for my whole life is happening and I feel hollow inside. We lie on our boards and paddle out, going to the right side of where the dolphins are frolicking. When we are about a yard from them, we stop and Jaxson glances at me with excitement.
“Can you believe this?” he whispers.
I bite my lip as tears fill my eyes and grin, shaking my head. We float for a long time, watching as they swim and play. There are at least six and they’re not paying any attention to us, lost in their own fun. Before long, they surround us and it is such a beautiful experience, my heart nearly explodes.
But then I sneeze…two times, three times…and the third time I sneeze so hard, I fall off my board. I bump into a dolphin and it turns and looks at me, making an aggressive sound that scares me.
It must scare Jaxson too because he grabs my hand and tries to help me on my board. The other dolphins get agitated at the one barking at Jaxson and me, and I hurriedly paddle through an opening.
“Hurry, let’s get out of here,” he yells when they swarm around us and look far more ominous than I ever thought dolphins were supposed to look. I get creeped out feeling the slippery skin of the dolphins against us, when before it seemed enchanting.
We paddle back as fast as we can. When it seems the dolphins are done with us and we’re far enough past, I wait for a wave and surf the rest of the way in. Jaxson follows.
When we reach the sand, I turn and look at him.
“That was stressful,” he says, still panting.
“Not exactly how I imagined,” I add. “I didn’t know dolphins could get that angry.”
He starts laughing. “I thought that one was going to take your head off when you sneezed the third time.”
I start laughing too. A part of me doesn’t want to bring this day to an end. It feels too much like another goodbye and I’ve already shared too many goodbyes with Jaxson.
He steps closer to me and moves a thick strand of wet hair off of my face. “No one I’d rather get eaten by dolphins with than you,” he says.
I laugh and prop my board upright. Jaxson leans over and kisses my cheek while I stare straight ahead, still as a statue.
“I hope you’ll reconsider Paris,” he whispers.
10
Past
2011
My British accent finally won me a friend! Maybe things will turn around, or maybe at the very least, I won’t feel so out of place all the time. It’s getting old, D.
In the months after my dad left, the divide between La Jolla and Holmes Chapel felt greater than ever before. Dad didn’t call or write, and I didn’t feel inclined to reach out to him either. For all I knew, he hadn’t gone back home at all but was wandering around town and I might bump into him when I least expected at the grocery store or gas station. I constantly looked over my shoulder, hoping to see him. I imagined telling him off and begging him to come home. I’d show him pictures of my mum curled up in her bed, room dark and stifling. He hadn’t been pleasant when he was around, but anything had to be better than this. In trying to keep my mother from crying nonstop, adjusting to being in a new country, and feeling behind in my schoolwork…I was exhausted.
Gemma left for school in New York, so Jaxson’s house felt weird too, without Gemma’s sarcastic comments flying all the time. It was too much change. Too many beginnings for everyone else felt like endings for me.
The silver lining was that I saw Jaxson most days and I also made a new friend. Tyra was in three of my classes and we had lunch together—I first met her at lunch when she was in front of me in line. She groaned when she saw the coconut cream pie they were serving.
“I am destined to be a plus-size model,” she said. She swiped a few dreadlocks out of her eyes with her long, bright purple fingernail and turned to me. “Have you tried this pie yet? It’s the best thing they serve. Trust me.”
“I’ve been trying to avoid it,” I admitted, reluctantly taking a piece. She looked pretty great to me. If she was plus-size, I was extra plus-plus. Most of the girls at my school were twigs. Still, I couldn’t resist a good pie. “It’s that scrummy, huh?”
“Scrummy? Is that what you said?” She looked at me over her shoulder.
“Uh…delicious?” I’d have to remember to strike scrummy from my American vocabulary.
“Scrummy. I like that.” She smiled. “But it’s even better than that,” she moaned, dipping her finger into the creamy filling before moving forward. “I’m Tyra. I’ve seen you around. I’d kill for an accent like yours.”
I flushed. “Thank you. Usually the noses are curling up before I have two words out…it’s like I’m speaking another language.”
She laughed. “The people at this school don’t think anyone else exists out of these walls and maybe the beach down the street. My aunt and I moved here last year from Riverside. It’s two hours away at most and when I tell someone where I moved from, they’re like, ‘Never heard of it.’” She shook her head. “Livin’ in their own little world.”
I didn’t tell her I’d never heard of Riverside either—I didn’t think that would win me any points—but I made a mental note to look it up later that night. Tyra motioned for me to follow her and sat down at the closest table. She chatted throughout lunch. It was nice to have someone to listen to. She asked questions here and there too, but she was so entertaining, I preferred listening to her talk.
When I took a bite of the pie, she stopped talking and stared at me. “Well?” She lifted an eyebrow.
I nodded. “Even better.”
“Told you,” she said.
* * *
That afternoon Tyra and I walked out of class together. We’d discovered our lockers were across from each other after lunch, so we headed in that direction. When I got closer, I noticed Jaxson was leaning on my locke
r and started grinning.
“I’ll expect you to fill me in on that the next time I see you,” Tyra said, giving me her direct look that suggested no arguments. “Again…even better than scrummy. See ya later.”
I waved and excitedly walked up to Jaxson. “Made a friend finally,” I told him.
“You’d have lots of friends if you’d talk to everyone like you talk to me,” he said.
“I like Derek,” I said. “He’s easy to talk to.”
Sometimes Derek came over to say hi during the breaks at practice. It had shocked me the first time he did it, but I soon realized he needed a break from the girls going on over Jaxson. He claimed they were so annoying. We were in agreement there.
Jaxson frowned, and I turned to my locker.
“Heather’s your friend…and Elle, Danielle, Giselle…Raquel…” He rattled off a list of all the girls that hung on his every word.
I had my head in my locker and rolled my eyes. I wasn’t going to spell it out for him, but I had a feeling they would act like I didn’t exist if it weren’t for him. Heather tried a little harder to be nice to me, but I suspected it was because she liked Jaxson the most. A couple of the girls were my age, but the rest of them were in classes with Jaxson or knew him from football. They were on the cheering squad and since Jaxson had been playing really well lately, their interest in him had escalated. They all had long, flat-ironed hair and size zero bodies. I felt like their eyes circled in on my lumps and frizzy hair every time I was around them.
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