“I can do that,” he says.
He clinks his glass to mine and we manage to enjoy the rest of our dinner.
* * *
“I didn’t know what I had until she was gone,” he sings in my ear as we stumble down the hall. “Her eyes haunt me from sunset until dawn…If I could tell her one thing, it would be this…I came alive with her kiss.”
We stop at the door and fumble for the lock, him still singing the sad song.
“What song is that? It’s too sad.” I shake my head, fumbling with my shoes as I step inside.
“It’s your song,” he says. “Our song. One of the many songs I’ve written about you…with a consistent theme of you being gone. We need new ones where you stay…”
Once my shoes are off, I fall back on the bed, my head spinning. “So I’m your muse?”
“Do you even need to ask?” He laughs, falling on the bed beside me.
“Apparently so. What are your plans with your music? That night I heard you…you sounded even better than I remembered, and I always thought you were bloody fantastic.” I turn my head to face him.
He grins. “Thanks, Bells. I didn’t think you…liked it. I’m glad you did. I’ve been working on the music a lot. At school, I really thought maybe I would pursue a music career full-time, but while I still love it so much, I’m just not sure that’s who I really am. I love doing other things too, you know? For now, I’ve decided to keep working at Charles’ company. It’s fulfilling, I’m good at it, and I like making money.” He laughs. “And I’m still playing music around town, so that outlet is there. I don’t really want to go on tour for months at a time. We’ve had several opportunities to do that, and I’ve told the guys if they want to pursue that, they should, but my life is here. I feel like for the first time I’m finally becoming more grounded. A life on the road doesn’t sound so appealing. Especially when I have a heart to win over.” He yawns and closes his eyes when he says that and I feel like I’ve just been jump-started.
“You’re not staying because of me, are you?”
“Everything is because of you, Bells. Don’t you know that by now?”
His face relaxes and I realize he’s fallen asleep that quickly…clothes on, outside the covers and all. I get up and put my pajamas on. I had too much to drink, so I take a few Advil and get under the covers as best I can.
When I wake up the next morning, his still fully-clothed body is wrapped around mine. We’re spooning like we were born to do it, and it feels so good, so comforting, that I close my eyes and fall back into a deep sleep. I sleep better than I have in years.
* * *
We’re shy with each other when we wake up. He smiles sweetly at me when I turn to see if he’s awake and I wonder how long he’s been watching me. I jump up and get my shower and when I come out, he’s getting off of the phone.
“It’s not looking like an option to get out of here any time today or even tomorrow,” he says. “They’re calling it the biggest airline crisis in history. Can you believe that?” He pulls his clothes out of the suitcase. “I’m sorry, Mira. Not how I pictured our Paris trip of a lifetime.”
“No more apologizing. There’s no way we could have known this would happen.”
“Well, how about we explore around here today and then get back to our list tomorrow…drive to New York sometime tomorrow?”
“Or the day after tomorrow even...”
His smile brightens. “Plan C, I like it.
* * *
“How long since you’ve been on a bike?” he asks, as we step outside.
“Holmes Chapel.”
“Jeez,” he teases. “Nearly as long for me. Why did we stop riding?”
“You were too busy surfing.” With Heather, I nearly add but stop myself.
“Surfing is overrated. Kidding,” he quickly amends.
He grabs my arm and we veer to the right, where we try to figure out the rental station. Once we have our bikes, I look over at him and see him as a kid in Holmes Chapel, where we spent nearly every day on a bike. I must look wistful because when he catches me staring, he flushes slightly.
“Ready?” he asks.
I nod, emotion stuck in my throat.
We start out slowly and while we’re in traffic, I’m a nervous wreck, but once we’re on a quieter path, it gets easier. The breeze through my hair and fresh air on my face are intoxicating. I can’t believe I ever stopped doing this.
We make it to the canal and the way the sun hits the water is perfection. We stop here and there to catch our breath and take it all in but don’t really talk much. It’s a comfortable silence between us, but that shy feeling is still there. We ride for a while and on our last stop, my stomach growls so loud, a nearby squirrel stops running and stares at me.
Jaxson’s laugh bounces off the river, making my stomach twist further. I’ve always loved the way his eyes and nose both crinkle up when he laughs. He motions toward one of the street food places behind us.
“I think it’s time,” he says.
I roll my eyes but laugh along with him.
We get burgers and share an order of poutine so we can say we’ve tried it. While we’re eating, a little curly-haired boy catches our attention and we watch him trying to walk with his mom close behind, hands out at all times to soften the blow when he falls, which is often.
“Do you still want kids?” Jaxson asks, taking a big bite of his burger.
“I either want none or several,” I tell him. “After Tyra…” I take a bite of food to stall all the feelings that stir up when I think of her.
He reaches over and squeezes my arm, letting it linger there on my skin.
“First you and then her…you both made being an only child a lot easier. But once you were gone…that changed everything. Maybe it would be different if I were really a present mother, you know? Someone who likes to hang out with her kid and is really there for them. Maybe it wouldn’t matter then if I had more kids to keep that first one company. But how does a person know ahead of time if they’ll be that way?”
“You will. I know you will. You don’t do anything halfway. You go all in, no matter what you’re doing.”
“Maybe. I mean, hopefully.” I shrug. “What about you? Kids?”
“Definitely. Someone once told me two’s good, but three’s…” His eyebrow quirks up and he waits for me to remember.
“Better,” I finish and feel flushed with the sudden heat. “You better hope you can find a woman who will put up with three little Jaxsons running around then.”
He doesn’t say anything, just smiles that same satisfied smile he’s smiled all day.
“So Dave seems really great,” he says finally.
“He’s the best thing to happen to my mum and me,” I agree. “He loves her and doesn’t act bothered by me being part of the picture. And he gives good advice…in fact, he’s the one who nudged me to take this trip with you.”
“Dave is the best thing to happen to me,” he says, laughing. “I’ll have to find a way to properly thank him when we get back.”
“You just don’t quit, do you?”
“Nope,” he says. “As Nana would say, I’ve lost the plot over you.”
“Aw, I’d love to see her. The last time I saw her was…” I pause because the last time I saw his grandmother was one of my least favorite memories.
“Yeah, that Christmas,” he says, and I know by his expression that he remembers just how awful that night was.
15
Past
Christmas 2013
Oh D, there are times I just can’t keep up.
It’s a good thing I have you. I don’t want to be a snitch.
What to do?
This is yet another time when it would be really nice if you could talk.
~M
“I refuse to go, Mum! You cannot make me!” I yelled across the house and slammed the door to my bedroom.
She stomped up the stairs and came in without knocking. I hated wh
en she did that.
“For the last time, you don’t have a choice. They are like family to us. You’ve known Jaxson your whole life! I can’t help it if you aren’t speaking to him right now. Maybe it’s time to get over yourself and give the poor guy a break. He’s nearly beaten that door down trying to figure out how to win back your friendship.”
“Because his mother made him!” I yelled. “At school, we steer clear of each other. The only time we’ve spoken in a year is when you made me go to his stupid birthday party last year. If that’s what you call beating my door down, yeah, he’s really going full-throttle.”
I didn’t tell her he had thrown rocks at my window throughout that first year we weren’t speaking, seeing if I’d come down and talk. His mom had probably made him do that too. Before, anytime he really wanted to see me, he climbed up to my window. He was relieved to be done with me—I knew it in my heart of hearts.
“I shouldn’t be put through the torture of being around him any longer,” I said quietly. “Please don’t make me go.”
“I don’t make you go over there regularly, but it’s Christmas…please, Mirabelle. Gemma will be there. Things are good with her, aren’t they? I remember you talking with her at the party last year.”
“Yeah, Gemma is on my side,” I told her.
When Gemma saw me standing in the corner at Jaxson’s birthday party last year and asked why I was there and not in the thick of things, she’d assessed the situation without me having to say a word. She’d stood by me the rest of the night, making wisecracks about all the girls tripping over themselves to get attention from Jaxson.
“He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what he has with you,” she’d said.
By that time, I’d built a shell around my heart so thick that I almost didn’t feel what she said, but somewhere down deep, what she said penetrated. Yes, he was an idiot of the supreme kind.
“Why is there a side? I wish you’d just tell me what happened,” Mum snapped. “It’s been two years. Get over it already!”
My eyes filled with tears. “Why can’t you just have my back?”
She put her arms around me and hugged me close. “I do. I have your back, I promise. I just wish, for both your sakes, you could work things out. You’ve been miserable without one another. Anne says he’s not the same without you.”
“The two of you are seeing what you want to see, and I’m sorry, but it’s not happening—you’re not going to get your little fairy tale with us. He’s moved on and so have I; we’re different people now.”
“If you’d moved on, it wouldn’t bother you so much to see him.” She took my face in her hands and studied me. “Sweetheart, for this one day, don’t you think you could set things aside and simply wish him well for the upcoming year?”
When she put it like that, it did sound appealing. More than wishing him well, I wanted to stop thinking about him, period. In a dream world, I wouldn’t be in turmoil over Jaxson Marshall for another second, but I didn’t know how to stop. I’d loved him much longer than I’d hated him.
I put my hand on my mother’s and held it tighter against my face for a moment longer. “Okay, I’ll go. It’ll be good to see Gemma. But can I bring Tyra?”
She crinkled her nose. “Not tonight, okay? Let’s just have it be us tonight.”
I didn’t like it, but I agreed. I needed someone besides Jaxson’s sister, just in case she hated me by now. Derek and Jaxson were together so much that after everything changed with Jaxson, it meant I didn’t really see Derek anymore either. He smiled when he saw me in the hall, but as far as having an ally at the party, I didn’t think I could turn to him. My mother would forget me once she got to Jaxson’s house. She and Anne were still like kids when they got together, giggling over nothing and in their own little bubble. I didn’t begrudge my mum’s time with her best friend—being a single parent was hard and I didn’t want or need all of her attention on me, so most of the time I was glad of Anne’s distraction.
Once Mum left my room, I FaceTimed Tyra. She answered and was on her treadmill, sweating like she’d been at it a while.
“Guess where I’m going tonight?” I pulled a long face and whispered the next bit into the phone. “Mum is making me go to Jaxson’s.”
She rolled her eyes and toweled off her forehead. “Well, go in there looking good and like you know you look good. You’re so much better than all of them, Mira. Never, ever forget that.”
“I wish I had your self-confidence. Someday I’ll catch up with you.”
She laughed. “My confidence is off the chain. I dare you to catch up.”
“I love you,” I said, still laughing. “I’m gonna go obey you now and look as hot as possible.”
“That’s my girl. Love you. Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas.” We’d celebrated the day before, but I still wished she could be with me tonight.
We hung up and I smiled while I walked to my closet. Tyra had a way of making everything better, always. She didn’t care what anyone else thought and lived life exactly the way she wanted. It was impossible to wallow for very long around her.
I picked out some of the outfits she’d given me. Since working out every day and joining track, her clothes swam on her, so I had a new wardrobe with far better choices than my mum’s closet. I settled on jeans and a nice shirt. It probably wouldn’t be as dressy as everyone else, but I squared my shoulders and tried to channel some of Tyra’s sass.
Thanks to YouTube tutorials, I could safely say I’d mastered makeup and hair. I still wasn’t up to California standards—I couldn’t seem to give up the junk food and the last thing I wanted to do was physical activity, but give me a curling iron or a new makeup palette and I could put the most perfect waves in anyone’s hair, mine included. And I could make my face look flawless. After that makeup debacle two years ago with Tyra’s heavy hand, I decided to teach myself how to do it.
Act like you know you look good, I reminded myself on my way out the door.
“You look lovely, Mira,” my mum said as we walked to the Marshalls’ house.
“Thanks, Mum. You do too.”
The party was underway already when we got there, the beach behind Jaxson’s house full of kids playing volleyball and standing by the fire pit. I got mad all over again that Mum hadn’t let me bring Tyra since all of these other people were here. It wasn’t just our families like she’d made it sound like it would be. I went inside to get a drink before going out there and watched through the window. Jaxson’s long arms shot up and he got the volleyball over the net, the other team missing the shot. He looked happy. I wondered what it would be like to be on the inside of his life again.
I stood there longer than I should’ve, the only non-adult in the house, but something kept me rooted to that spot. From this height, I had a better vantage point. I didn’t see Heather right away. Normally, she was within a few feet of Jaxson at all times, but she wasn’t in the game and she wasn’t on the sidelines. I kept looking for her but didn’t spot her anywhere.
“We’re ready for dessert. Come on out, Mira,” Anne said, waving for me to follow her.
“I need to use the restroom and then I’ll be right out,” I promised.
“Excellent. I want Jaxson to know you’re here.” She smiled and gathered things to carry outside.
Jaxson’s nana followed Anne and winked at me on the way out. “You need to weasel your way in between Jaxson and all these dimwits,” she said under her breath. “You have more depth to you than most of these girls have in their big toe!”
I laughed. “Thanks, Nana. I don’t know—guys seem to like the dimwits.”
She cackled and went out the door.
Someone was in the downstairs bathroom, so I went to the second floor and heard someone in there. I waited for a few moments and then went completely still. Oh god. Heat flooded to my face and I looked around, wondering if anyone else was hearing this. Someone was having sex in the bathroom! There was no mistakin
g that—I’d managed to catch the peak moment, so to speak. A hissed, “Shhh!” and a muffled groan followed. I rolled my eyes. Too late. When it got completely quiet and I heard the sound of a toilet flushing and the sink turning off and on, I realized I was going to get caught if I didn’t move quickly. I was backing away just as the door opened.
Derek walked out first and quickly stopped, staring wide-eyed as he saw me standing there. He turned to prevent the girl from coming out, but it was too late. Heather walked out and there was no hiding for any of us.
16
Past
2013
That saying about hindsight...it’s haunting me now.
I am terrified of loving another person ever again.
Heather’s horror smoothed over as she took a breath and worked on conjuring up a smile. She stepped toward me, and my eyes narrowed. When I put my hand on my hip, she stopped walking, and I could clearly see the fear in her eyes.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” she whispered. “I don’t know what you’re thinking you heard or saw, but you know nothing. I love Jax and nothing you tell him will change the way he feels about me.”
Derek looked equal parts hurt and ashamed.
“Something tells me that if you can have sex in Jaxson’s bathroom during a Christmas party, you’re being all kinds of careless. I doubt I’ll have to say a word.” I shrugged. “I also doubt I’m the only one who’ll find out. You’re both idiots and Jaxson is smart—it might take a while, but he’ll figure out that the two of you are lying snakes.” I pointed at Heather. “Can’t say I’m surprised about you…”
The vein on Heather’s forehead popped out as she grew redder. She didn’t enjoy being called out, but I didn’t really care.
“You though…I really thought you were better than this,” I said to Derek.
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