GOODBYE TEDDY
J D Stockholm
Goodbye Teddy
JD Stockholm
Based on a true story. Though names, places and dates may have been changed.
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http://jdstockholm.com/
http://www.facebook.com/dearmrted
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These two sites have been invaluable to me throughout the last few years. I salute the many people on there, survivors, directors and above all, my friends. Thank you for the support at those times I needed it.
http://www.isurvive.org.uk
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
Copyright © 2013 by JD Stockholm
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This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
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Also by JD Stockholm
Dear Teddy
Dark Ramblings of the Phoenix
Telling Teddy
Stupid Boy
If I Were To Die Today
Thank You
This journey has been an odd one; I didn’t even know I was on it. Dear Teddy was born out of a conversation with my therapist at the time, a way for the child to speak after so many years of silence and being locked away in the dark. Once I gave him a pen and told him it was okay for him to talk, he didn’t stop. He had so much to say, and he did.
I have so many people to thank who have walked alongside him all the way and helped me to put the story out into the world. These thanks aren’t in any order, and although I have decided not to use people’s surnames, I am certain that those who I am thanking know exactly who they are.
Thank you to all of you. I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am, but I will try.
Cynthia, you came along when I didn’t really know I needed someone. You offered me help, not just with my book, but other things too - even just listening to me prattle on about the same thing for the millionth time. One day, I’ll buy you coffee; I might even add some chocolate, but I hope you understand how grateful I am for everything you have done for me. Not just for the little boy in the books, but also for the crazy man who wrote them.
Ditter, for helping me make friends and to get Dear Teddy out there. For the constant nagging about seeing my feet and for just being that friend that can make me laugh when what I want to do is cry.
Azure, thank you for everything. I don’t even remember how we became friends, just that it was through the first book and, for some reason, you adopted me as your odd English brother. Thank you for listening to me and supporting me. Thank you for still being there even when I am quiet and just need to be alone.
Teresa, it was a night so long ago, I don’t even know why it came out, or why I chose to tell you the things I did. I don’t think you’ll ever know or comprehend how much your friendship has meant to me and your continued encouragement still does. You are a true friend and anyone is lucky to know you. Including me.
Thank you to the following for just being my friend: Gloria, Lois, Barbie, Sheila, Christopher, Nancy M and Nancy J, Jodie, Julie, Tonya, Pam, Dawn and so many more. These are just the names that come to mind. If I missed you off, it isn’t personal, I promise.
Thank you to my beta readers, Vicki, Stephanie and Erica for all your help.
Tony, my thanks to you is very simple. Thank you for loving me.
Lastly, to Jamie, perhaps the most important of all. Thank you for everything. You survived.
One
(Age Eight)
My mum has cold hands. I hold them tight. They feel shiny. They are shiny because she cleans lots of things. It makes her hands very sore. Then she gets special cream for them. It is like magic. It makes her hands better. She gets it off the nice doctor. He likes my mum very much. My mum has long red nails. She doesn’t get mad when I play with them. They are so long I can get my fingers under them.
My mum is sad. I don’t like it when she is sad. It makes her cry. The nice doctor says my brother has a poorly heart. He has to go to the hospital to make it better. The nice doctor said he will telephone them and make it all better. My mum is very scared in her tummy about it. Maybe she needs Mr. Ted. He makes it better when I get scared in my tummy. But Andrew says grownups don’t hug teddy bears. So I don’t ask my mum. I hug him myself. I ask Mr. Ted if he makes my mum feel better and then she doesn’t cry. He is very magic.
My mum is scared because the hospital people are mean. They took away my big brother when his head got hurt. His head got hurt because my mum throwed him at the fireplace. But she didn't mean it. She was very poorly too. She had to take medicine. But the hospital people gave my big brother away. Maybe they sold him in a shop. I ask Mr. Ted but he doesn’t know. They just don’t let him come and live in our house anymore. Maybe he is sad. Me and Mr. Ted are sad because we don’t live in my mum and dad’s house. They don’t have lots of room for us. We have to live with my Nan. But she is very nice.
“It isn’t my fault,” my mum says. “He doesn’t like to eat food. That’s why he doesn’t eat. They will think I am a liar.”
I know my mum isn’t a liar. Sometimes I am. I am a liar because I am bad. When I am bad, the bad man comes and he does the hurt thing. I try my hardest not to be bad. Mr. Ted tells me to be good. He tells the bad man I try to be good too.
My mum cries very hard. It makes me feel sad. But I don’t let the crying get out. It keeps in my eyes. I am eight. I am big. I don’t let the crying out.
“If they don’t believe me, they’ll send you both away. Then you’ll go to a boys home with all the bad boys and you won’t ever be able to see us again.”
I don’t want to go to the boys home. I don't want to go where I don’t see my mum and dad. I tell my mum I promise. I will tell them the truth and then they don’t send us away. I don’t want to ever go away. I don’t like it when I go away.
I had to go away to the play place. My mum and dad didn't know it was a trick. I don’t tell them. It didn't be very nice. It made me cry because the people did lots of things that hurt very bad. I didn't get to take Mr. Ted or Andrew. Andrew is invisible. But he didn't like it. So he ran away.
“I’ll tell them,” I say to my mum. I make a big giant promise. I cross my heart and hope to die. I won’t let them send us to the boys home.
“But you might say it wrong. Then they’ll think you’re a liar because you’re like your Nan and she is deceitful. People can tell. And because you live there, the doctors will think it is because I don't want you. They don't understand, we don't have a bed at the house for you.”
I tell my mum it is okay. I try to give her a big hug. But she doesn’t want it. She moves away and then I don't get to hug her. She doesn’t like my filthy arms. I forget about them. Maybe if I am good she will like all the hugs. She gets lots of hugs from my brother. He doesn’t have the filthy arms. Maybe if I have a nearly heart attack like him, then she can give me lots of hugs too.
Me and Mr. Ted promise to tell the hospital people about my brother. He is scared about the food because he came out of my mum’s tummy and he didn't breathe. He had lots of stuff in his mouth like snot. It was slimy and gooey. The doctor. Not the nice doctor. But a mean one. He put a tube in my brother’s mouth and sucked all the snot stuff out so he didn’t die.
Now my brother gets scared about the food part and then maybe he has to get it out with a tube thing because it might get stuck and then he will die and go to heaven. I don't want him to go to heaven. Maybe he can get medicine like I do. My mum gives me medicine. It makes the sick come out all the
time. It is to get my badness away because I got born from the devil. She gives it me lots of times. But it is spicy. I ask Mr. Ted. He thinks maybe it burns my brother’s mouth off because it is too spicy. Maybe that is why she doesn’t give it to him so the food doesn’t get stuck.
I am glad I don't get a tube in my mouth. I don't like when the sick comes out. But the tube makes me scared in my tummy too. I don't ever want one.
“He knows if you tell lies,” my mum says. “He watches everything. That’s why he won’t go away, because you attract the evilness.”
I want my mum to shush. I hug Mr. Ted very tight. I don't want her to talk about him. I know she means the bad man. He gets mad when I tell someone. I don't be allowed to. Then he will come and maybe he makes everyone die. He is magic. He knows lots of things. He hears if I tell. He hears when I am bad too. Then he comes and makes it all hurt. I don't want him to be mad. My tummy turns upside down about it and my eyes want to cry. I don't tell lies. Not ever. I know the bad man can see everything. I tell Mr. Ted in my brain to tell the bad man I don't tell lies.
He knows everything. He will bite and scratch me and do the hurt thing.
If I am a good boy then he doesn’t come. He doesn’t come at my Nan’s house anymore because I don't let the badness get out. Mr. Ted and Andrew tell me when things get bad. Then I make it stop. I tell my mum I won’t tell lies. I say I promise. I make the letter P sound all big. Then it is a real promise. I feel the letter on my lips. I say it lots of times.
“Stop making stupid noises,” my mum says. But I don't know how to make it stop. It keeps my badness away. I hug Mr. Ted more tight. Please don't let the bad man come.
“I have a picture of him,” my mum says. “Because he won’t go away. We got special people in the house who can see evil things. They set all the cameras up and then, when I put you to bed, you shouted and he was there, but we didn't see him. The people got a picture of him. They didn't let me see because he has such a bad face. Maybe you want to see it when we get home?”
I shake my head fast. So fast maybe it makes me dizzy and falls off. I don't ever want to look at it. Not ever. I wish it would go away. I promise I don't tell lies.
Two
I sit in the chair next to my brother’s bed. I make my legs swing backwards and forwards. My mum tells me to stop it. It is annoying. I try to make it stop. Then I forget and I swing them again.
“Stop fidgeting,” she says. She has her mad voice. I tell Mr. Ted we don't swing our legs anymore. My brother doesn’t swing his legs. He sits on his big bed. It’s a magic bed. It moves and bends in half. Then it is like a chair. I wish I had a bed like that. I don't be allowed to sit on the bed. I make it dirty with my shoes and then we will be in trouble.
My mum sits in the other chair next to me. She watches all the people. She sniffs lots of times. I try to give her a tissue. She doesn’t want it. She is sad because she wants to go home. She doesn’t like the outside places. They make her scared in her tummy. I tell her it is okay. She doesn’t have to be scared. She whispers to me that she wants to go home. Maybe Mr. Ted could make the magic. But he doesn’t know how. Outside places make her scared because bad people come and then they take her away. She doesn’t like it. It makes her not be able to breathe. She tries not to cry about it.
I wish she didn't get scared about it. It is the hospital. They make people all better. They made my Nan all better when she tried to go to heaven by herself. They made her not sad inside. Maybe the hospital can make my mum not be scared inside.
When I am big, I am going to be a doctor. Then I will work in the hospital and I can make children better. Then they can go home and their mums and dads don't be sad about it. Maybe I can make my mum better.
It is very early in the morning. Maybe it is still night. It is dark outside. We had to get in very early. Before the sun got up and got his hat on. Maybe the sun is a lazy bones today. My brother is a lazy bones. He lies by the fire all the time with his baby bottle. Maybe the sun doesn’t get up and get his hat on. I sing the song all the time. My mum tells me to shut up. So me and Mr. Ted sing it quiet. Andrew laughs about it. I tell my mum maybe the sun didn't get out of bed yet. “Sit down and be quiet,” she says. I am being stupid. She says all my stories are stupid. But I like to make them. Me and Mr. Ted write them all the time. We have lots of fun. Andrew likes them too.
I don't tell my mum any more stories. I don't want her to be mad about it. She tells my dad when she gets mad about things. He shouts very loud; it makes me cry sometimes. I don't like it when he is mad with me. Sometimes it makes my badness come out and then he shouts at me more.
I like the room my brother gets to sleep in. He is very lucky. There are lots of children. It is like a giant sleep over. But they are poorly too. I ask Mr. Ted about it. He says maybe they didn't eat like my brother and then it makes their heart attack them. Mr. Ted is very clever. He knows all the things. The children get breakfast on trays. I show Mr. Ted. We wish we had some. It makes my tummy very hungry inside. It growls very loud about it. I didn't get time to get any breakfast. We had to go very fast in the morning. My mum says if I am good I get something later.
The nurse comes to my brother and my mum. It is time for my brother’s breakfast. But he doesn’t get it on a tray like the others in his bed. He has to eat it in a special room. They want to show him that food doesn’t be scary and he can eat it. My mum says she is coming too. Me and Mr. Ted don't know if we are allowed to go too. But the nurse asks if I want to go with them. She is nice. She has a big smile and she has stickers on her clothes. They are cats and dogs and lots of nice things. I don't have any stickers. Mr. Ted says he wants a sticker. Maybe Andrew can sneak some. We ask him about it. He likes to sneak in the hospital.
My mum doesn’t know about it. I don't want my mum to get mad. I stand up and then I say yes. I ask Mr. Ted if it is okay and he says yes. I ask my mum in my brain. But she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t know how to do the talking in her brain thing.
I leave Mr. Ted with my bag at my brother’s bed. He isn’t allowed to come with us. I hope he doesn’t get lost. I don't know if he knows where the house is to get back. I put him in the bag all deep inside and then he can’t get out. I tell him I will be back soon.
We go to the special room. It has glass walls. It is like my mum and dad’s new house. They have lots of glass walls all over. Like a greenhouse. But it doesn’t have lots of flowers inside. There are lots of chairs too and a big giant television. There are lots of toys. They are in a box. Maybe I can get to play with them. But I don't ask about it.
I don't ask about the toys. Maybe they get mad about it. I wish I had Mr. Ted then I could ask him. He knows all the answers. I don't want to make anyone mad. Then I get shouted at. It makes me feel sad inside about it.
There are lots of tables. My mum and brother sit at the one where the tray is. I don't sit there. I sit at a different one. Then I don't get in the way. Sometimes my mum says I am a nuisance. I don't like to be.
The nurse sits down with my mum and brother. She has a bowl. It has my brother’s breakfast in it. It smells very yummy. Like porridge. Maybe it is like the porridge my Gaga used to make me. But he went to heaven.
My brother doesn’t want to eat the porridge. He hugs himself tight and shakes his head about it. He says no very loud. No, no, no. He doesn’t want it. My mum nods her head and folds her arms.
“See?” she says to the nurse. “He doesn’t want to eat it.”
The nurse puts the bowl down. Then she makes my brother get his arms undone. She tells him to sit up. But he doesn’t want to. She tries to get the spoon in his mouth like my mum does to me. But she doesn’t bash his teeth and make them bleed. He doesn’t want it. He pushes the spoon away.
My brother starts to cry. He doesn’t want the food. The nurse tries to get his hands away. But he makes himself all stiff then he slides on the floor and cries about it. My mum bends down and tells him it is okay. She picks him up and gives him a hu
g. My mum is mad. “I’m not staying here,” she says. “He doesn’t want to eat the food and I am not letting you force feed him.”
The nurse says something to my mum. But I don't know what it is. It makes my mum mad. But she cries too. The nurse says my brother might eat if she isn’t in the room. But she doesn’t want to go out. Maybe she will shout at the nurse about it. Me and Andrew watch it. Andrew thinks my brother is very silly.
My mum shouts at the nurse. They are all liars. They want to make her bad. But she doesn’t. She tries her best to get him to eat. But he doesn’t want it. Another nurse comes in. She doesn’t have stickers. She has a thing around her neck that listens inside. The nice doctor has one too. He lets me listen inside. He lets me listen inside Mr. Ted too. We listen to our hearts. They sound like trains inside. The nice doctor says Mr. Ted has a special bear heart. That is why we don't hear it very well. Because he is magic and it is a secret. I tell Mr. Ted. It makes him happy about it.
The nurse that doesn’t have stickers tells my mum she has to leave the room. My mum starts to cry about it. I don't like it when she cries. I wish I could hug her. I wish I didn't have filthy arms. Maybe then, she doesn’t cry. My Nan tries to hug me when I get the crying. But I don't let her. I make the crying go away. Maybe my mum can make the crying go away too.
My mum goes out of the room. There is another nurse outside. She stands with my mum and gives her a tissue to blow her nose. My mum cries all big. The nurse looks very nice. She rubs my mum’s back. I don't know if I have to go too. No one tells me to go away.
My brother sits on the chair again. He swings his legs like I do and crosses his arms all over. The nurse shows him all her stickers. She has five of them. She asks him which one he likes the best. He likes the dog one. It looks like Sheba. I wish I had one. She asks him if he wants one. He says yes please. She tells him if he eats some breakfast he can have some. The breakfast is very nice. It has sugar and chocolate. She gets his spoon in it and then he opens his mouth. He eats it all up. Then she takes the sticker off her dress and she gives it to him. Maybe I can get porridge and I can get a sticker too.
Goodbye Teddy Page 1