Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  Peter comes and I am very excited. I put Mr. Ted on my bed. Then he has to stay there. He doesn’t come to play with us outside. Peter comes in my room. I show him all the things. He likes it very much. I tell him my granddad died on the bed. Then I laugh when he gets all scared about it. He is scared about ghosts. But my granddad doesn’t be a ghost. He is in heaven.

  I tell Peter I have to go to my mum and dad’s room. My dad has finished his shower and he had all his dinner. I didn't get any. They forget again. But it is okay. I don't need lots of food. I tell Peter I don't be allowed in there really. I ask him to listen for my mum and dad. He says yes. He stands and listens for them. I sneak into their room again. I walk on my toes like a real burglar and they don't know about it. I take one of the notes from my dad’s pocket. I put it in mine folded up then he doesn’t see it.

  I can buy lots of things to eat with it. Then when my badness goes away, I don't cry about the hungry parts. It feels bad in my tummy to take the money. Maybe the bad man sees it. But he didn't come for a long time. Maybe he doesn’t come anymore. I ask Mr. Ted in my brain to tell him I am sorry. If he wants I will put it back. But he doesn’t say anything about it. Maybe I am too bad now. I take the money because of my badness.

  Me and Peter go to the shop. We don’t buy lots of things with it. I don’t want my mum or dad to see that we have sweets and drinks. Then she will ask how we got it and I don’t want to tell her. When we go to the lady at the counter, I think about my mum. Maybe the shop lady knows my mum and she will ask her about the things we buy. Maybe she will call her and tell her that I stole some money. I think the lady might know that we steal the money. But she doesn’t say anything about it. Maybe everyone knows that I am bad and I steal. Maybe I should just go away. I really am bad like they say.

  I tell Peter we have to put the things in our clothes and then my mum and dad doesn’t see it because I am not allowed any sweets. I think maybe my mum can see them there. But she doesn’t. We get them into the house and then we take them into my bedroom. We hide them in the box that is near my wardrobe. We can eat them later when everyone is in bed sleeping.

  I don’t want my mum to get mad at me again. Then maybe she will send me away. I don’t want her to send me to the place at the weekend times. I like when Peter is there. Then I can’t go. I don’t ask my mum about it because maybe she forgot about it. I don’t want to go there. I have lots of pictures in my brain about it. But I don’t ever tell anyone. I don’t tell my mum.

  I don’t tell Peter about the place. Maybe he will think I am bad about it. I don’t want to ask him. But maybe his dad does the hurt thing too. I don’t ask that either. I don’t think Peter is bad to get the hurt thing. I don’t want to make my dad do it if he finds that we stole some money and then we got sweets with it. My dad will be very mad. It is not Peter’s fault it is mine because I am so bad.

  My mum doesn’t like Peter’s mum any more. She says that Peter’s mum causes trouble. It’s because she has bright red hair. My brother doesn’t like her hair. My mum wishes she would go away. Everyone gets in the way all the time. She asks lots of times about my brother and all his food. She should shut up and mind her business.

  It gets dark. My mum says we have to go to my bedroom. We sit in the bed and we get the sweets. We play games and we eat them all up. But we hide them in the bed so my mum doesn’t come in and see them. We play games all night. My mum tells us to go to sleep when it gets to past midnight. My dad has gone to bed. He is very tired. The hospital lady is coming in the morning. If I am very good, then Peter can sleep at my room again.

  In the morning, the lady from the hospital comes. Me and Peter sit on the floor. We keep out of the way. We are very good like my mum says. We smile about it.

  The hospital lady asks about my brother’s food and then she wants to see the book. We sit and watch. I write what my brother eats too and then he can’t go to heaven. Not if he eats lots of food. I have sweets he can eat and then he has some food. But I don’t tell him about it because he might tell on me that I have sweets hiding in my room. I don’t be allowed any food up there.

  The hospital lady is very happy with my brother. He has eaten lots of food. She makes him stand on the scales and he makes it go higher. Sometimes my dad says that is because he is fat. He says I am fat too. But I don’t be. I can see all my skeleton inside. When I squish my tummy in, it all goes inside. But my dad says that anyone can do that. Now my brother will be big and fat like me and then he will be stupid. But he doesn’t tell the hospital lady that. He just tells my brother he is fat all the time. Sometimes my brother cries about it. Sometimes I tell my brother he is fat too and I make him cry. He doesn’t like to be fat. But my mum makes him eat lots of food and then he doesn’t get taken away. He has big giant plates of food and maybe so much it will make him pop. He doesn’t need to eat my sweets. He is already big and fat. My dad says so.

  Nine

  I am good all week long. I don't let any badness come out. My mum says Peter can stay again. I like it when he sleeps at my house. We are very excited when it is home time from school. His mum isn’t going to pick him up. He gets to come home with me from school and he has his sleepover things in his bag. We put them in my room. I tell Peter to stay there. I go in my mum and dad’s room again and I take some of the coins out of my dad’s pocket. Peter doesn’t know about it. I don't even tell Mr. Ted. He thinks it is bad to steal things. But I can’t help it. It is my badness inside.

  I tell Peter I have some money to go and get some sweets for the sleepover. We stay out for a long time. We play with the ball and the bikes and things. We have to go inside when it gets dark. My mum says that we have to go and get showers. It is Friday and we smell like school. My dad tells me that we can go and get one together.

  I don’t ever have a shower with Peter before. I got to have them lots of times at the play place. But I don’t like them there. We had to do lots of things and the people took pictures about it. I don’t want to take pictures with Peter. I don’t want him to see all the bad things. Maybe he knows that my dad does the hurt things lots of times. I don’t get to shower in the mornings. Then I have to go to school and I smell it all bad on me. But Peter doesn’t ask about it.

  My mum says we have to use the towel that is in the bathroom already. It is big and green. My dad uses it. It is a little bit wet. But we don’t mind. The bathroom door is made from glass. It has a blind over it. I close it and then no one gets to see when we are in the shower.

  The bathroom is near my dad’s study place. Maybe he can hear the things we do in there. I tell Andrew to go away. Then he doesn’t see us in the shower. It feels bad in my tummy. I have to take my clothes off and I don’t want Peter to see. Peter takes his off. He doesn’t mind about it. He gets in the shower. My eyes keep wanting to look at his thing. But it feels bad inside to look. My dad says that I like it. That’s why he does the hurt thing. Then I will like it when I am all big. He makes me feel tingly when he touches me and then it is all nice and warm inside. Maybe Peter does that too with his dad.

  I take my clothes off too and I make them into a pile for my mum so she doesn’t get mad I didn’t do it right. I get in the shower and then I close the door and we stand in the water together and get our hair all wet.

  I feel all my badness inside. It makes me want to do all the bad things like my dad. I ask Peter if he wants me to wash his hair and he says yes. His mum does it lots of times. He doesn’t do it right. My dad washes mine sometimes. I get the shampoo and I make his hair all soapy. I don’t get it in his eyes. But he makes his eyes all closed and then it doesn’t sting.

  Peter washes my hair too. He washes it nice. I think about the place. When we had to wash each other all over. Maybe I can do that with Peter. Maybe he likes it too. I ask him if he wants me to make his back soapy and he says yes.

  He doesn’t say anything when I get my hands on him like my dad does. I get my hand down. He closes his eyes about it. My dad says it is nice t
o do it to people. Maybe I can make Peter hurt me like my dad does. Maybe it is the badness inside and it has come out.

  Peter doesn’t make it hurt like my dad does. He doesn’t do the inside part. He gets his hands all soapy and he does the same as me. I put his hand on my thing and I tell him to do it like I do. He does. But he is not mean like my dad. He doesn’t make it all hurt. I want him to make it all hurt inside. But he doesn’t. It makes me feel sad inside because he can’t do it right and I don’t know how to tell him to do it right.

  Peter makes all the sounds like my dad does and then I get my hand away from his thing. I get my hand off and then I get a cup and fill it with water from the shower. I pour the water on Peter to get all the soap away. He doesn’t say anything to me. He takes his hand off. It makes me want to shout at him because he doesn’t do it right. He never gets it right. He has to. He has to make the badness inside go away. I feel it all big and it is there and if he doesn’t do the thing like my dad does it won’t go away. I turn the shower up to hot. I fill the cup and I pour it all on me so it makes my skin all hot and it burns. I ask Peter if he will do it for me. He nods his head about it.

  I tell him to put his hand back and make all the water very hot at the same time. He does it. He doesn’t get mad at me. I tell him he does it all right. He smiles all big about it.

  I hold his hand like my dad does to me. I show him what he has to do because he doesn’t know. Maybe his dad doesn’t show him properly. I make him do it until it feels all funny inside like when my dad does it. But I don’t let the sounds all out.

  I want Peter to go away. I don’t want him to see. I am so bad. I made him do the things like my dad. My dad is right. He said I like it. I do. I don’t mean to. I am bad inside. Very bad. I feel it all. It is dirty. I want to make it go away. I tell Peter to go away. I don’t let him see the crying parts. I tell Peter to go and get dressed. I have tummy ache. I will come in a minute.

  He says okay and he gets dressed. He goes out of the bathroom. I make the door locked behind him. I look in the mirror. I am so bad. I see it all there. I make myself get back in the shower. I turn the water all hot. I make my nails scratch it all away. The crying wants to come out but I don’t let it. It isn’t allowed. I am bad and then I made Peter bad too. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to.

  It gets all washed away and then I get dressed too. I make the bathroom all clean again and my mum doesn’t get mad. Peter is sat in the lounge when I go there. He is on the sofa with my brother. They are watching cartoons. I get my dirty clothes and I take them to the kitchen to my mum. She tells me to put them on the floor. I don’t look at her. Maybe she knows that I am so bad inside. Maybe she knows what I made Peter do.

  I don’t look at my dad too when I go back to Peter. But Peter isn’t mad. He asks me what I want to do. He asks if we can play cards or a game. My dad tells him he shouldn’t play with me. I always cheat. It’s the only way I can win. I cheat at everything. I don’t tell Peter my dad is lying. He isn’t. I know how to cheat at all the games. But I don’t let anyone know about it.

  We play cards. We play a game called fish. My dad tells me to sit with him. He slides me between his legs. I sit on the floor. I can feel his thing behind me. But I don’t move. He tells Peter all the cards I have. Peter thinks it is funny and then I lose the game because my dad cheats. I get mad at my dad. I try to stand up but he holds me there and he doesn’t let me go. He laughs about it. I cry and shout. I want him to let me go. But he doesn’t do it. Peter thinks it is funny too because I get mad about nothing at all. He squeezes me all tight and I don’t be able to breathe. He tells my brother to go and play with Peter because I don’t be able to play with my friends. I am a baby. I get mad because Peter wins. That’s what he says. He tells me to go to my room now and I don’t be allowed to move. I tell him I hate him and I don’t keep the tears away. I am a baby like he says.

  Ten

  I go to my room. I don’t keep the crying away. Peter plays with my brother. They make the Lego on the big table in the dining room. I don’t be allowed to play. I am just too bad all the time. I make everything bad. I go to my room because my dad told me to. I don’t hug Mr. Ted. I don’t hug Sheba and I don’t talk to Andrew. I sit on the floor where I don’t be near the door. Then no one can get me. I fold my arms up. My dad always makes me mad. He makes me want to shout at him. I don’t know why he does it. Then I get mad and I get in trouble. I don’t mean to. Maybe I should go back to my Nan’s house and then everyone gets to be happy.

  I hear my dad come up the stairs. He has big heavy feet. They stomp on the stairs and make lots of banging noises. I look at the glass door. It is all wavy. I don’t be able to see out of it properly. But I can see my dad. He stands there and then he knocks. I don’t say hello. I don’t tell him to come in.

  He says my name. I tell him to go away. He opens the door. I hug myself all tight. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want him to shout at me. I know I am bad. I don’t know how to make it go away.

  "I came to get the box of cars," he says. But he can’t have them. They are mine. My special cars. I got them off my Nan and Graham. I don’t let anyone play with them.

  "They can’t play with them," I say to him. He tells me they can and they will. But I tell him no. They don’t be allowed to touch my things. They are mine. Not theirs. They don’t get to play with them.

  My dad keeps saying it. He tells me to give him the cars. But I say no lots of times. They don’t get them. I shout it at him all loud. They don’t get the cars. I stand up and then I go to where they are. He doesn’t get them they are mine. My dad tells me to move and get out of the way. I don’t. I make it all loud and shout very bad. He doesn’t get to have them. They are mine.

  My dad tells me to stop being so selfish. I don’t let anyone touch my things. Maybe he should take Peter home. I tell him he can take Peter home. I don’t want him to play here. I don’t want him to play with my brother and my Lego.

  My dad moves me but I don’t let him. He doesn’t get to get my cars. "Move," my dad says.

  "No," I tell him. "No, no, no."

  My dad is very mad. He shouts at me. He shouts the word next to my face. I shout them back. I tell him no very loud. Then he smacks me because I shout. But I don’t care. I say bad words to him. I tell him I hate him. I tell him to get out of my room. But he doesn’t want to.

  If I don’t give him the cars then he is going to take them. Then I don’t ever get them back. He tells me if I don’t let them play with them he is going to be very mad. He pushes me out the way. I shout very loud. But he is bigger than me. He gets my box of cars and then he takes them downstairs. I tell him to stop it. They are mine. He has to bring them back. He shuts the door and then I hear him walk down the stairs. He doesn’t come back.

  I open my bedroom door. I bang my feet. I shout and make my throat all scratchy. I want my cars back. My mum comes then. She is mad too. She shouts at me. I tell her she is bad. I tell her I don’t like her. I wish she goes away. I wish my brother went to heaven and didn’t ever come back. I wish they all leave me alone.

  My mum stomps up the stairs. She points very hard and tells me to go into my room. I don’t be allowed to come out. I don’t be allowed to talk to anyone. I shout. But she doesn’t say any more words. She just tells me to go in my room. I have to stay there all night long.

  I go away. I go in my room again and I sit in the corner. I wish they all got to go away and leave me alone.

  I don’t move off the floor all evening. I don’t go and have any food. I hear my brother and Peter. They are playing downstairs. They get lots of nice things. I hear them laugh and play. Maybe they have a very fun time because I don’t be there.

  I only get up to turn the light on. I don’t like the dark. Maybe the bad man comes then. My mum comes in. She says I have to close the curtains. But I don’t talk to her. She doesn’t say anything to me too. It is very late. My legs are all invisible. I wish I was invisible too. I hear my dad sa
y it is bedtime.

  My dad lets them make a den in the lounge. They make it under the stairs. My mum tells them how to do it. They have lots of pillows and covers. They sleep in a jungle. They get to sleep downstairs and have torches. I wish I get to go away and then I don’t be sad about it. I don’t want to listen. It makes my tummy hurt inside. I don’t keep the crying away. I don’t cry lots. It just falls out of my eyes when I lie on the floor.

  My mum says night-night to them. She stays up though. I hear her put the television on. My dad doesn’t. He has to go to work in the morning. He doesn’t ever stay up very late. He says night-night too and tells them to be good. Then I hear him come upstairs again.

  He comes into my room and I close my eyes. I pretend to be asleep. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want him to see me. Then he turns the light off, goes out of my room and closes the door. I get up and I put the light back on. I don’t like the dark. I don’t be able to sleep in the dark. The bad man comes when it is nighttime and all dark. I have been bad too. He comes when I am bad. He makes me be sorry for all my badness.

  My dad comes back. He asks me if I am awake. I turn my face then I don’t have to see him. I don’t want to. He talks to me about being good. It was only a game. I didn’t need to get all bad. I tell him to go away.

  My dad sits on my bed. He tells me to get up and stop being silly. I don’t need to lie on the floor. I shake my head. I don’t want to get up.