"You'll get cold," he says.
I tell him good. Maybe I can freeze to death and then I go away because no one likes me. I don’t be able to say the words because my crying comes again. My dad tells me to come to him. I don’t need to cry about it. But I do. I don’t be able to make it go away.
My dad gets off the bed. He comes to me on the floor. He pulls my arm then I have to move. I turn my head away. I don’t want to see him. But he is big and he picks me up. He sits me on his knee and puts his arms all around me. He hugs me very tight and all the crying comes out. Then he gets my pyjama top and he makes it unfastened. I don’t make him stop. He lifts me up and puts me on the bed too and then he takes my pants down. I don’t look at him. The crying goes away.
He lies on me and he puts his thing inside. I squish my face into the bed. Then he doesn’t hear when it gets to hurt. He leans on me. His face is all next to my ear while he does the hurt thing. He tells me that I am good. He knows I am really. I just got upset. I nod my head.
My dad makes me slide onto the floor. Then he can get his hand on me too because I am all squished into the bed.
My dad asks me about Peter when we were in the shower. But I don’t know what he means. Maybe he knows what I got Peter to do. I feel my tummy turn upside down. I don’t want to be in trouble. I don’t want to get told off. I had my badness inside. My dad asks me if we had a good time in the shower. I tell him yes. I whisper it so he doesn’t know. He squeezes me all tight in his hand and it hurts a little bit. But he isn’t mad at me. He doesn’t shout.
He asks me if I saw Peter with no clothes on. I don’t say it though. I don’t want him to know what I did. He asks me again. He whispers it at the side of my ear. I nod my head, but I don’t tell him anything.
My dad asks me about it. He wants to know what we did in the shower. He knows what I am like. I like all the sex things. He knows I do. He asks me if me and Peter did things in the shower. I shake my head. I didn’t do anything. But he says yes we did. He asks me if I liked it. I don’t tell him. I don’t want him to know. I am bad inside. I don’t want my dad to know that he is right.
My dad does the hurt thing very hard and it makes me cry. He doesn’t ever do it like that before. He makes me squish hard on the edge of the bed. It digs into my tummy. He still has his hands there too. He tells me all about Peter. He says things that I didn’t do. I didn’t do the hurt thing with Peter. But my dad says we did. I didn’t. I just touched him. I didn’t make it like my dad does.
My dad asks me if I liked it. Maybe I want to do it lots of times. I shake my head very hard. I cry because he doesn’t believe me about it. His hand is there until I make my breath hold in. And then he knows I got to the like it part. He tells me I am a good boy. He takes his hand off me. He wants to finish the hurt part. I close my eyes all tight. Maybe I can go away. Maybe Peter and my brother are all asleep downstairs in their den. I wish I was there. I wish my dad knows that I am sorry I was so bad. I didn’t mean to be.
When my dad makes all his noises, he stands up. He presses his hand on my back so that he can get up. It hurts when he does that. I cry about it. It gets me in the middle of my back. It feels like he got to break it into lots of bits. I don’t be able to breathe very well. He gets his clothes back on and then he goes out of the room. He turns the light off too. But I don’t stand up to make it go back on. I get my pyjamas but it is hard to pull them on. My hands shake and I don’t be able to see because I cry and it is dark. I climb on my bed and get in the covers. I wish someone got to take me away. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t like it.
I ask God if he can take me away. Please don’t let me wake up in the morning. I say it lots of times. I hug my covers all tight. I lie in the bed and curl up. I don’t care that the springs stick out of it and they stick into my leg. I press my leg more. Maybe I can make the blood come out when it cuts me lots of times. I say it lots of times. Please take me away. Don’t let me wake. Up. Don’t let me wake up. Please.
Eleven
I know I am very bad inside. It made me do the bad thing to Peter. I don't say anything about it at school. I don't say hello to him. I don't talk. Maybe he tells lots of people and then everyone knows I am bad inside. I tell Mr. Ted I am sorry. I didn't mean to do it. My badness came out and then it made me. I didn't mean to.
I do all my schoolwork very hard. I try my best to make it all good. Then I can have goodness inside and not badness. Mr. Ted says if we just don't do lots of things we can be good. I tell him I promise. I don't do any bad things. I read my books at night times. Then I don’t get in trouble. I know my dad is very mad at me. He doesn’t give me dinner lots of nights.
I just get lunch at school. But I don't sit with Peter. He asks if I am still his friend. I tell him I am. He asks about more sleepovers. But I don't want to do it. I don't want to do the things to Peter. I don't want my dad to get mad. I don't want my dad to do the hurt thing. It is fourteen days and he didn't do it. I don't let him. I don't get in bed and let him read the stories. I don't be bad. My badness doesn’t come out. Then my dad doesn’t have to do it.
Peter asks if we can have a sleepover tonight. It is Friday again. I shake my head about it. I don't want to. He says please. But I say no. I don't want to. Kirsty asks if I don't like them anymore. But I do. I like them very much. I am just lots of bad inside. I don't know how to make it go away. I hug myself all tight then I turn away from them. I don't want to say anymore words to them. Maybe they can go away and leave me alone.
I don't want anyone to talk to me. My dad doesn’t talk to me either. He is mad at me. I don't want to talk to him too. After school finishes, for the weekend,. I walk to my dad’s work. I don't talk to him. I sit in the car and read my library books. Then he doesn’t have to talk to me too. I wait until he finishes then we go home. Maybe I get dinner tonight. My Nan comes around to eat dinner on Fridays.
When we get home, my Nan is there. I am very excited about it. I tell Mr. Ted. Look it is my Nan. He is happy too. He misses her very bad. We sit next to her all night long. My Nan asks me if I have been very good. I don't tell her about all my bad things. I tell her about all my books. I show her my story that I write about. I drawed the pictures too. It is about Sheba. She eats a chilli pepper. It is spicy. It makes her head very hot. I draw her with lots of fire. It comes out of her nose and ears. She is like a dragon. My Nan says it is very good. She shows my mum. But my mum doesn’t want to see it. She doesn’t ever like my stupid stories. But my Nan tells me I have lots of imagination. I hope imagination is good. Maybe I can get lots more of it.
Me and my Nan sit and watch silly television. I like the one with the old ladies that live in the house. They have boyfriends. Old ladies don't get boyfriends. Only girls get boyfriends. I tell my Nan about it. I ask if she ever had a boyfriend before. She says my Gaga was her boyfriend. But I don't believe her. She tells fibs. My Nan doesn’t ever have boyfriends.
My dad finishes helping my mum with all the dishes. My brother is sitting by the fire. My dad says it is time for my Nan to go home. He takes her home all the time. I ask my dad if I can go to bed now. He says yes. “We have to be up early,” he says. “We are going to the lakes. Don't wake up late.”
I promise I don't. My Nan says it is very exciting about the lakes. I like the lakes. Sheba likes to swim in them. I tell my Nan night-night. Then I go to bed. Me and Mr. Ted check all the room. Maybe the bad man gets to hide in there. We do it a special way every night. Then he doesn’t get in. We turn on the light and then we jump back. Then the bad man doesn’t get to jump out. Then we go in at the wall. Then he can’t sneak. We slide and look all around. But he doesn’t be there. Then I run to the other side of the room. I get two lights. My dad puts them in. I keep them both on in case the bad man sneaks in and turns one off. Then I still have one and he doesn’t get me.
I close my door. I put my dog teddy there. Then it doesn’t close properly. But it doesn’t open too and he can’t jump in the room li
ke he did when we all lived at my Nan's house. I check in the wardrobe. I check in the box that keeps the wardrobe closed. I check under my bed and I check the curtains. There is no bad man. But maybe I didn't check right. The stupid pictures get in my head. I didn't do it properly. Maybe he hided very good and I didn't see him. I check in the wardrobe again. But he doesn’t be there. Then I check the big box and under the bed and behind the curtains. No. No bad man. But I did it two times. Two is nearly a bad number. I don't like bad numbers. They make bad things happen. Four is the baddest number ever. Two and two makes four. I don't be able to just do it two times. I check it all again. Then it is three. I check it very good. I don't want to get to four. Four is too bad. That will make the bad man come.
My brain keeps putting pictures there. I don't like it. I don't want the bad man to come. Maybe he sneaks in and turns the light off. Maybe he gets it broken. I turn the light on and off. It only turns one light off. It isn’t broken. I hear the click sound inside my head. I make the noise lots of times. I click the light three times. Then I know they don't get broken.
I am very stupid. I wish my brain didn't have all the pictures. I get my pyjamas on. I didn't get to brush my teeth. Maybe I don't have to. But my mum checks my tooth brush. If it doesn’t be wet she makes me come downstairs. Then my dad is mad at me. I get in the way. I am always there when they want lots of quiet time. I make it bad again.
I put my slippers on too and then I go downstairs. I ask my mum if I can use the bathroom. She says yes. But I have to be fast. She wants to get a bath before her programmes start on the television. I run to the bathroom very fast. I go to the toilet. Brush my teeth and wash my face. Then I say night-night to my mum.
I go to bed. Then I look at my bedroom. What if the bad man got in when I was in the bathroom? I have to look in the wardrobe. I have a very stupid brain.
Twelve
We get up very early to go to the lakes. I don't wake up late. I didn't sleep lots. I make myself stay awake. Then the bad man can’t sneak in when I am sleeping. I wake up lots of times and look at the time. Then I get up. No one else is awake. They all snore very loud. But I don't make my dad mad and be late.
My mum puts coats in the car. It is cold. It doesn’t be summer time anymore. Then we drive to the lakes. It is very far away. It is over an hour. My eyes are tired. They fall to sleep lots of times in the car. I hug Sheba. She doesn’t get mad about it. My mum and dad don't talk to me. I don't walk with them. I walk behind them. Then I don't get on their nerves. My dad walks with my brother. He talks lots to him. He tells him all about the boats and all the names of them. They are special names. But he doesn’t talk to me.
We go to the fish and chip shop. It smells very nice. I sit outside with Sheba. I don't talk about the food. I don't ask for it. Then my mum and dad don't get mad because I am greedy. Me and Sheba and Andrew play with sticks. I had to leave Mr. Ted at home. He doesn’t be allowed to come. I don't want him to get lost. Then I never see him again. I throw the sticks and Sheba goes to get them. She brings them back and I throw them again. But I don't throw them in the water. It is too cold. Maybe Sheba will catch a chill. That is what my Nan says when I don't wear my coat and it is raining. I will catch a chill. I don't want her to get wet too. I don't be allowed on the back seats. I sit with Sheba in the boot. If she is wet, then she makes me very cold and she smells. Wet dogs smell very bad.
My mum says we won’t be able to come to the lakes again until it is in the next year. It is wintertime and it is too cold to go there. This will be the last time. My brother is sad about it. There is a big park. It has a slide and a swing. He says he will miss it. He cries about it. I don't look at him when he cries. His stupid mouth gets all upside down. It is just a slide and he is very stupid. But I don't say the words.
My mum gives my brother a big hug. She makes his sad parts go away. She doesn’t make my sad parts go away. “Maybe we can buy a slide,” my dad says to him. “Then you can have one at home and play on it.” My brother smiles very big. He is excited and he jumps up and down. He makes lots of stupid happy noises. I wish he would fall over and go away.
He asks if we can get it now. My dad says yes, if they can find one. But they have to see how big the box is. Maybe it is too big to put on the roof. I don't want him to get a slide. He gets everything. He is spoilt. I tell Andrew that I don't want them to buy a slide. He doesn’t want them to either. We ask God not to let them. But he doesn’t listen. He knows I am bad. He knows I listen to the bad things from the devil. So he doesn’t listen to me.
There is a summer shop at the top of the hill. My brother is all excited. He jumps up and down and he is very happy. He hugs my dad because they have an orange slide. He asks my dad if he can have that one. He says please very long with his stupid voice. My dad says yes.
My dad goes inside the shop to ask the man about it. My brother holds my dad’s hand. I hope they don't have any. But they do. It can fit on the roof too. I don't want the stupid slide on the car roof. I try to say something. My dad asks me what. He has a mad face and his angry eyes. He does the stare thing at me. I don't say anything.
My mum asks me if I am jealous. Maybe I should stop being bad all the time. I tell her I am sorry and I go back outside with Sheba. Then I don't have to listen to them talking about it. I don't care. I don't want to know about it.
My dad carries the box. It is big and long. It has to go on top of the car because it is too long. I am glad. I hope it falls in the lake and goes away. Then my stupid brother can cry about it. Maybe if I don't eat food and get a nearly heart attack I get special things too. My dad carries it all the way to the car park. He has things to make it fasten to the roof. My brother sits in the car then he doesn’t get cold. But we don't go home yet. We wait for my dad to get the slide fastened. I don't get in the car. Maybe they drive away and then they forget about me.
My dad tells me to climb in the boot. I do. I don’t say anything. I sit with Sheba and I fold my arms over. I have a book in the back. I read that. I got it from the library. Then I don’t have to talk to anyone and I don’t get in trouble. My mum and dad tell my brother to get out of the car. They didn’t get ice cream yet. I don’t listen to them. I don’t hear their words. I don’t want to. I have to look after the slide. Then no one steals it.
They don’t ask me if I want any ice cream. I don’t. I tell them no inside my head and then they can go away. They don’t say goodbye and they don’t tell me they will be back in a minute. I don’t feel the stupid tears when they get out of my eyes. I don’t think about them at all. It isn’t me crying. It’s stupid to cry. I don’t care. I don’t want the things they have.
They don’t come back for a long time. Sheba falls to sleep and I lie on her. She doesn’t get mad about it. I read lots of my book. It is nearly dark and it makes it hard to read all the words. My mum and dad come back. My brother is sleeping. My dad has to carry him. My mum opens the back door of the car. I don’t look at them. I pretend I don’t see them. She says hello to me. But I don’t answer. I pretend I can’t hear her. I read my words in the book and I don’t listen to her stupid words and her stupid voice.
My brother is snoring in the car. He has a bag of things. My dad puts them inside the boot with me. He tells me not to touch them. I don’t answer him. I won’t touch his stupid toys. I don’t want them anyway. I hope they get broken and then he can cry about it. Maybe I can make them broken. My dad says I break all my toys.
My mum and dad get in the car and then we drive away. My eyes feel tired because the car is moving and I don’t know I fall asleep. When I wake up we are stopped and we are outside the house. It is cold and I don’t have a coat. I don’t be able to stop all the shivering. It makes my teeth bang together.
My dad carries my brother into the house and he takes him upstairs. My mum opens the boot and she tells Sheba to come and she leaves me there. It is dark and cold. I look along the road. Everyone is sleeping. It is after midnight. I can hear the sea at the
end of the road. It roars and crashes. I wish I could float away in it.
I get out of the car and I pick the bags up and take them into the house. I put them in the kitchen. My mum has bought some clothes and there is the rubbish too. I put them in the kitchen. But I don’t say anything; I know she doesn’t want to talk to me.
My dad comes down the stairs and he tells me to come outside. I have to help with the slide in the box. It didn’t fall away. It makes me sad that it didn’t. I hope it is broken. I go outside with my dad. He tells me to help unfasten it. My hands are all cold and it hurts to pull the rope things away. They have big metal hooks and one of them catches my arm. It makes it bleed. It is good that it bleeds. Maybe it can bleed a lot and then I won’t be here anymore.
I wipe it on my pants. Maybe my mum will shout at me for that. I don’t care. She gets mad anyway. She shouts at me from inside the house because I didn’t put the clothes in the right place. I put them by the bin and now she has to wash them because they got dirty. I walk in the house with my dad. I carry part of the box and I tell my mum I am sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. But now she has lots of cleaning to do and it’s my fault again. I don’t think. I always forget to think. I tell her I won’t ever do it again.
She tells me to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed and then I have to go upstairs and she doesn’t want to see me again all night. I tell her okay. I don’t get any food. My tummy is hungry inside. It growls about it. But I don’t ask. I know my mum will say no. I didn’t be good enough to get any food so she will shout if I ask.
I do what she says and brush my teeth. I get my clothes changed and I go to my room. It is dark in there. I don’t like it. Maybe the bad man hides. I put the light on and jump away very fast and then he doesn’t get me in the dark. But he doesn’t be there.
Goodbye Teddy Page 6