He asks if we want to play games. He asks if I have a bike then we can go down to the beach. There are big ramps there and they like to race on them. I tell him yes. I do have a bike. But it is old and rusty. It is a chopper. My dad got it for me from the rubbish tip. I like it though. We all go to get our bikes and then we meet at the end of the road.
Me and Jason get there first. He has some sweets and he offers me one. I take it. It is very nice. It is a ball of aniseed. I don’t get them because my mum says sweets are a waste. Jason says that Simon gives everyone sweets. He gets them from his mum. He is very lucky.
Jason doesn’t live with his mum and dad. He lives with his grandma. But she is mean. He lifts his top and shows me. He has a line there. She hits him with her stick because he is always bad. He laughs about it. He tells me that he doesn’t care. She is crazy. When he is big, he is going to move away and then he won’t ever see her again. He doesn’t know where his mum is. He says I am lucky because I have a mum and dad. I don’t tell him about my dad.
The others come and we ride across the tram tracks to the rocks. We look over and it is very high. Maybe if we jumped down we could die. It has lots of rocks. It looks very good for climbing. I ask Jason if he ever climbed on them before. But he says no. "We get told off."
Maybe we can climb them. I want to. I don’t be scared about falling off them. I can climb lots of big things. There is a big ramp that goes down between them. I don’t ever see one so big before. I bet I can go very fast on it. I wish Mr. Ted got to see it. But I don’t take him outside. Andrew sees it. But I don’t talk to him when Jason and all the others are there. They don’t see him and maybe they think I am strange like my dad does. Maybe they think I should be sent away.
We all get to the top of the ramp. There are five of us. Me, Jason, Faye, Simon and another boy called Chris. We all sit on our bikes. The ramp goes to the promenade and it is very long. Maybe if we can go fast enough we can be faster than cars.
Jason goes first. He stands on his bike and then he goes. He is very fast. I don’t be scared. I go next. I don’t jump my bike down like he did. I just make mine go on the ramp. It is so fast. I didn’t know it would be so fast. It makes my tummy turn over. The wind makes my eyes water and my cheeks get to sting because it is cold. I don’t breathe. It is so fast. I feel like maybe I can fly away. The bike rattles under me on the ground. I don’t sit on the seat. I stand up on the pedals. Jason is miles and miles away. I go down the ramp but I don’t turn the pedals. Maybe I don’t want to go any faster. Then when I get to the bottom and it is all smooth it slows down. I start to pedal to catch Jason. I don’t believe how fast I just went. He stops and then I catch him up and I stop too. I don’t be able to breathe properly and when I get to Jason we just laugh about it. It was so good. I want to do it again.
The others come down after us. They come and stop their bikes next to me and Jason. We are next to the sea. The tide is in. It is windy and sunny all at the same time. Jason asks if we should do it again and I nod my head. But we have to get our bikes all the way up millions and millions of stairs. Maybe we get too tired carrying the bikes up. But we don’t care. I like riding my bike with them.
We ride the bikes for a long time. We go all the way along. We go up and down the ramp. But we can’t ride up the ramp because it is too stiff and it makes our legs ache. My legs don’t even be able to pedal and the bike doesn’t move. Jason laughs because I just sit there and not move until it falls sideways.
We go the other way later and pedal all the way to the other end. There are lots of ramps. It makes us all very tired. My legs ache and my fingers are cold. It is dark when I go home. I have to take my bike into the garage at the back. But I don’t like to because it is too dark and I don’t be able to see. My dad says I have to. I don’t be allowed to use the front door either. He tells me now. I have to take my bike into the garage and then lock it all up. Then I run into the house and lock the back door behind me so no one gets me.
I don’t get any dinner because it is all gone. They have done all the washing up too. They are in the lounge. My dad is reading and my mum is watching the television. My brother plays with his slide. I wish I got to go out again. But I have school in the morning. Jason said we can meet after school and then we can play out. I don’t be able to wait. I like Jason. He is lots of fun.
Sixteen
My brother goes to bed. He has had lots of fun on his slide. I had lots of fun outside with Jason and all my friends. But I don’t tell my mum and dad about it. Maybe they don’t like me playing on the beach. They don't say anything about it. But it’s okay. I tell Mr. Ted later. I tell him lots of things. He doesn’t get to play outside. Maybe it makes him sad in his tummy. I give him lots of hugs.
I am hungry because I didn’t get any dinner. I don’t know if I am allowed to have any food. I ask my dad. "We shared your dinner out," he says. "If you can’t be bothered to come home and eat it, then why should we bother to feed you?" I tell my dad I am sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just playing outside with my friends. I don't get dinner lots of times. I didn't know I had dinner. I don’t ask for any more.
My dad tells me to come and sit down. I am allowed to stay up for one hour and watch the television with them. He doesn’t let me watch television all the time. I try to watch it now. But my tummy flips around and I look at my dad. Maybe he wants me to do something and I don’t know about it. I don’t want him to do the hurt thing. I don’t let him do it for two weeks. He doesn’t get mad about it though.
I don’t know that he is mad with me. He didn’t shout when I got in the house. But he smacks me across the face. It stings very bad and I didn’t know he was there. It makes my brain bash inside my head. He shouts at me very loud. Maybe he is going to smack me again. I wasted the food and I didn’t come in. I don’t be any good. They buy this food and they cook it. Then I don’t come home and eat it. I waste everything.
I don’t get the crying out when he hits me. I look at my feet on the floor. Maybe he will stop shouting if I don’t look at him. I tell him I am sorry in my brain. But I don’t think he gets to hear it. I don’t mean to waste food. I just didn’t know I had any. They don’t make me dinner lots of times.
My dad says I am a burden. I make all the house mad. I make everyone get in lots of fights because I think I can do as I want and I don’t care about anyone else. It isn’t true. I do care. I try to be good all the time. But I always make it bad. I don’t mean to. The badness just happens. I am sorry that I am a burden. I don’t mean to do that too.
My dad doesn’t hit me again. He tells my mum he is going to bed. He tells me that my brother is in bed asleep and he is going to get in bed with him. My dad says he is a nice little boy. He says that to me when he does the hurt thing. Maybe he is going to do the hurt thing to my brother. I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to hurt my brother. He doesn’t be allowed to. My brother is little and then he will cry about it.
My dad goes on the stairs. But he looks at me when he is walking. He walks slow and I feel scared inside. Maybe he will hurt him. I don’t mean to make him do that. My dad goes all the way up the stairs. Then I hear the bedroom door be closed and my dad is in the bedroom.
I ask my mum if I can go to bed now. She says yes. She doesn’t shout at me about the food. She doesn’t say anything. But I tell her I am sorry. She says I am always sorry. But then I just do it again. I don’t mean it.
I know I am bad. I am sorry. I just don’t know how to not be bad all the time.
I walk up the stairs. It is dark at the top. I stand outside the doors. Maybe I can just go to bed. But maybe he does the hurt thing. I don’t hear anything. I think about going to my room. Maybe I just go to bed. But I don’t be able to. I feel it all inside. I knock on the door for my mum and dad’s room. My dad says hello and tells me to come in. I get the door opened quietly.
My dad doesn’t have his angry face. He smiles at me. He tells me to come and get in bed and then he can read a story.
My brother is asleep in the bed next to my dad. I do as I am told. I get in the bed. I get in where my mum sleeps on the other side of the bed. My brother doesn’t move.
I lie down and close my eyes. Maybe my dad will read a book. But he gets his hand over to me. I don’t tell him no when he makes my pants unfastened and pulls them down. I keep my eyes closed. Maybe he can think I am asleep too. My dad climbs over my brother to my mum’s side of the bed. He gets the covers off and takes my pants off. I look at my brother. He is facing me. But he is sleeping. I don’t want him to wake up. I don’t want him to see that I am bad inside and then I let our dad do the thing to me.
I hold my brother’s hand. It is warm. I try not to make it hurt when I squeeze it. My dad puts his thing inside. My brother squeezes my hand back. I keep my eyes closed and then I don’t see. My dad does the hurt part. I think about Jason and playing. Maybe tomorrow we can go on the beach again. We can go on the ramp and it can all be fast. My dad does the hurt thing until he makes all the sounds. He doesn’t say any words to me. He gets off me and then he goes back to his side of the bed. I let go of my brother’s hand. I pull my clothes up and I say goodnight to my dad. I go to my bedroom.
I didn’t mean to be bad. I am sorry. I hear my dad get out of bed. I hear him talk to my brother and he puts him in his bed thing. Then my dad goes downstairs. I watch him walk past my door. He goes down to my mum and they watch the television. I get my pyjamas on and climb into my bed. Maybe I can go away in the nighttime.
Seventeen
I ask Mr. Ted about the hurt thing my dad does. Maybe it is bad that I don't let my dad do it. Then he doesn’t like me lots more. I don't ever say no. He does it lots of times. I don't talk to Mr. Ted about it anymore. It makes me feel bad inside. Sometimes I go away and then I cry about it. I write it lots of times in my books. My brother doesn’t do it. I don't know why I get to be so bad all the time. I wish it goes away.
Mr. Ted says maybe if I play outside with Jason then my dad doesn’t get mad. I play with him lots of times. Even when the rain is out. We have adventures on our bikes. I write lots of stories about it. Maybe we can find magic places. But we don't ever.
I ask Santa when it got to Christmas time if I can get some things. I tried to be good all the time. I asked Mr. Ted about it. I tried my hardest. But I didn't get lots. My brother got lots. I asked Santa for a train set. I like trains they go very fast. But I didn't get one. Santa gave it to my brother instead. He got a big one on a board. It was so giant. We have to keep it on the table in the dining room. Then we don't eat at the table anymore. My dad says he will buy some trees and people and things for it. I tell Santa I am sorry. I don't know why he gave the train to my brother. My brother doesn’t like it very much. He asks me to play with it lots of times. But I don't like to. It makes me sad in my tummy about it.
My dad tells me off if I play too much with it. “It isn’t yours,” he says to me. I nod my head about it. Then I hug Mr. Ted. Sometimes it makes me cry about it. I don't know why I cry. It is just a stupid train. Maybe it can get broken.
At the night-time, I go to my mum and dad’s bed. My dad gives me a big hug. Then he does the hurt thing. He says he will buy me an engine that I get to use on the train set. I tell him thank you very much. I love my dad. But I don't like the hurt part that he does.
I try to be good all the time. Then my mum and dad don't send me away. It makes me scared in my tummy when we get to the summer time. I ask Mr. Ted about it. Maybe my mum and dad send me to the play place again. I don't want to go there. Everyone is excited at school because we finish for the long summer. But I don't. I don't want to ask my mum and dad. But I don't want them to make me go there again. It makes me think about all the bad things the people do. I don't like all the pictures in my head. I hug Mr. Ted about them. He doesn’t like them too.
My mum says we are going out for the day. Because we don't have to go to school. We all go together. I say phew to Mr. Ted about it. Then we don’t go to the play place. We don't go together when it is there. Maybe I don't ever go again.
My mum makes us get up lots of early. She is in the kitchen. She is making sandwiches and drinks. She puts them in the box that has the ice thing in them to make them cold all day long. My dad says food has to stay cold or then it makes us get the sick out. I don't like to get the sick out. It makes my mum mad when I make a mess.
I ask my dad where we are going. “Southport,” he says. But I don't know where that is. Maybe it is very far away. I don't ever go there before. My dad puts the things in the boot. He puts in the box and a bag. There has to be a bag for all the rubbish. My mum makes us collect it all up. Then we put blankets in too. Maybe they are so we can have a picnic. I like picnics. We don't get them lots of times. I ask my dad if I can sit in the car. I don't want to sit in the boot. He says yes. I can sit next to my brother. I have been good. I ask my dad if Sheba is coming. He says yes. It is a long day. We don't leave her in the house all by herself.
Maybe she gets scared when we don't be at home. I ask her about it. But she doesn’t know. Sheba gets in the car. She sits on the floor. It is a hot sunny day. I like to look out the window. I tell Sheba to look. She looks out the window. She likes to stick her head out when the car drives away. Then she sticks her tongue out. I try to do it but I don't be able to breathe.
It is a long time in the car. Maybe it is all day long. But my dad said it is just an hour. Maybe it was a very long hour. But my dad says I am stupid. Hours are all the same. It didn't take very long. My mum tells me to have the window closed. She doesn’t like it open. She says it makes her neck cold and then it hurts. But the window doesn’t blow on her neck.
My dad parks the car at a place. It is all sandy. There are lots of cars there. Maybe hundreds of them. They all line up on the sand. There are lots of children too. Lots of them are excited. They all run about and chase each other. My brother is excited. He jumps out of the car. But he doesn’t be allowed to run off. We have to stay at the car. He is thirsty. My dad gives him a carton of juice. I go to my dad. But he doesn’t give me one. I don't ask for it. Maybe he shouts at me. I wish I have Mr. Ted. He has to stay at the house.
My dad has to carry the box with the food in it. My mum carries the bag that has the blankets. My brother walks with them. I don't. I walk behind them. I don't be allowed to run off too. Sheba runs everywhere. She makes me laugh in my tummy about it. Maybe she is excited and wants to play.
We have to pay to go in the place. It sounds very noisy. Lots of people run around and make lots of excited noises. My dad has to buy a band thing. He puts it on my brother’s arm. It is like a bracelet made out of paper. He gets a stamp on his hand too. The lady in the box asks if I am having a band too. But my dad says no. She puts stamps on everyone’s hands.
There are some gates. The lady says we can go in there. We have to go one at a time. It has the bar thing that spins around. I push it and it lets me get in. Sheba runs under it. She is silly. She doesn’t know that she has to push the bar thing.
It is all big inside. I didn't ever see it before. There are big giant blow up things to jump on. There is a house. It is blow up too. It is big and lots to jump about on. There is a big pool too. But it doesn’t have wall. It has lots and lots of coloured balls. I went in one a long time ago when my Nan took me to the tower near her house. They are ball ponds. I like them very much. They are fun to jump in. I have lots of fun in them.
We have to sit on the grass. My mum and dad sit next to a table. They put their bags on it. My mum gets the blanket and she lays it flat on the ground. My dad takes my brother to another gate. There is a lady there. She has a big silly hat on, made from balloons. My dad shows the lady my brother’s arm with the paper thing and she opens the gates. He goes inside to play. He has to take his shoes off. He leaves them at the side. He runs off very fast to the blow up house. He jumps and then he nearly slides off it. I don't keep the laughing away. Maybe he hurt himself. But he didn't.
I ask my dad
if I can go there to play. My dad shakes his head about it. “It isn’t for you,” he says. I don't know why. I am not too big. There are lots of big people. It says fourteen outside. I am nine. I don't be too old.
I say please to my dad. I promise to be good.
He laughs. “You don't know how to behave. You’ll spoil it for your brother,” he says. “We didn't come here for you.”
I don't look at my dad. I don't let the stupid crying out. I ask my mum if I can sit on the blanket. She says no. I just get in the way. She tells me to go away. I get my book and I have a personal stereo with a tape in it. I sit at the bench. Then I don't get in the way. I read my book. I don't let the crying get out. It makes a big hole inside. I don't say anything to my mum and dad about it.
I read my book. I don't look at my brother. I don't look at the fun things he does. It is very hot. It makes me all sweaty. My brother comes out to my mum and dad. He is tired. He laughs lots because he has fun. He asks my mum and dad for a drink. I don't look at them too. I read my book. But I just read the same word lots of times. I don't want to hear my mum and dad. But I don't be able to keep them away.
My brother shows me his drink. I don't get one. I don't want to ask about it. I know I am very bad. I don't deserve to get nice drinks. I don't deserve to get to play. I wish I didn't be bad. I wish I knew how to be good like my brother. Then my mum and dad like me. I am sorry inside. I don't mean to be so bad.
My brother gives me his carton. He asks if I want to finish it. But I don't be allowed to. I look at my mum and dad. They lie on the blanket. They have their eyes closed. I tell my brother thank you. I drink some. But I don't drink it all.
My brother runs back to the lady. She lets him in the blow up place again. I hear him shout. He shouts my names and tells me to watch. But I don't want to see. He goes on the big slide that is from the top of the house and it goes to the bouncy part. Then he slides down it. It looks like lots of fun. I try to read my book. I don't look at my brother.
Goodbye Teddy Page 8