I nod my head very slow. My dad says I can pick. But I don't know what to watch. I flick the four channels over. They have lots of boring things on. But I don't get to watch lots of television. I watch a police program. My mum doesn’t ever let anyone watch the television at nighttime. She likes to watch the soap things. I don't like them. They are boring. But my mum watches them all the time. We don't get to use it.
When the police show finishes, my dad tells me it is bedtime. I have to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and use the toilet. I don't want to go to bed. Maybe my dad goes too and then there isn’t anyone downstairs and then the bad man can come and no one hears him. Maybe the bad man hides in the rooms at the bathroom. It is very dark. I turn the lights on.
I go in the bathroom and brush my teeth very slow. Then it is a long time. But I don't take too long. If I do, my dad gets mad about it and I don't want him to be mad. He will shout. I finish in the bathroom and go back to the lounge. I tell my dad goodnight. Then I go up the stairs. But I don't like it there. There isn’t a light at the top. I don't like to open my door. It makes me scared inside about it. Maybe the bad man waits inside. Maybe he got in and he waited all day for me. I don't want to open the door.
My dad is getting everything locked up. I hear him let Sheba out. She has to go to the toilet at bedtime too. Then she doesn’t wake us up so she can go outside. My dad finishes everything and then he comes to the stairs. He is going to shout at me. He always does. I take too long and I don't do things like I am supposed to. I don't get in my bedroom yet. I tell my dad I am sorry. I can feel the crying inside. Maybe it comes out if he shouts at me.
“Do you want to sleep in here?” he asks me and I nod my head about it. I do. I don't want to sleep in my room.
My brother is asleep in the middle of the bed. I get in at my mum’s side. My dad closes the door then he gets in at the other side. My dad turns off the big light. But he leaves the little one on. I am glad. I don't like it when it is very dark. Not even when my dad is there. It makes me see the bad man in my mind. Then he might come when my dad is sleeping and no one can stop him.
I face my brother. He is snoring all loud. He doesn’t even move when we got into the bed. Maybe he doesn’t know and it will be a surprise when he wakes up again. I close my eyes and go to sleep. I like when my mum is at the hospital and I can sleep in the big bed.
I don't open my eyes when my dad moves. He makes the bed dip and I nearly roll into my brother. But my dad lifts my brother up and puts him out of the way. My tummy feels funny inside. I don't get to breathe properly. I know my dad is going to come over to me. I roll away and then maybe he thinks I am asleep.
“Move up,” my dad says to me. He has picked my brother up. I have to move to the middle of the bed. But I don't open my eyes properly. I slide over and my dad puts my brother on my mum’s side. Where I was just sleeping. He pulls at my pants, but he doesn’t take them off. He wants me to do it. I don't say no. I push them down and hug myself tight.
My dad pulls at my top too and I take that off. I pull the covers all on me. It makes me shiver. My dad leans down the side of the bed. He has some rope there. I didn't know about it. My dad gets my hands and then he ties them up above my head to the top of the bed. But he doesn’t do it tight. I can still move about. He ties them together.
My dad makes me sit up. My hands slide all the way up and I have to hold them over my head. He takes his clothes off too. I make my eyes close when he kneels over me. I just open my mouth. He doesn’t tell me to do it. I do it lots of times now.
He doesn’t make the disgusting part in my mouth. I don't like it when he does that. It makes me want to be sick. But he doesn’t this time. I open my eyes. My brother is asleep. He isn’t facing us. I don't want him to see that I am bad. I don't want him to know about it all.
My dad slides me back down again. Then he rolls me over onto my front. I don't know he has another rope. But he uses it to tie my feet down. My dad lies on top of me. He whispers lots of things to me. He tells me I am good. Then when he starts the sex part he tells me I like it very much. I nod my head. I watch my brother. Then he doesn’t wake up. It makes me afraid inside. I don't want him to see. Then he will hate me forever. I don't want him to.
It hurts inside. But I don't cry about it. It doesn’t take very long. When my dad finishes, he takes the rope off my feet, but not my hands and I go to sleep.
I like when I sleep in my mum and dad’s bed. But I wish I got my hands down. I am very tired though and I go to sleep. I sleep for a long time. I know the bad man can’t come and get me. Not when I am in the middle. Then he has to get past my dad or brother. It is dark when I wake up again. I don't know what time it is.
My dad has the covers off. I didn't know about it. He has his hand on me and then he tells me to open my mouth. My dad sees that I like that part. I don't mean for him to see it. But he does. He always likes it too when he puts his hand on me and it makes things happen. I wish he didn't see. He says things about it and it makes me feel bad inside. I know I make him do all the bad things. He likes it when I make the noises because it feels funny inside. Then he does the noises too and it gets in my mouth. I don't get sick with it. I know if I swallow very hard and lots of times I don't get sick. My dad holds my jaw so it is all gone. Then he lets me go back to sleep again.
He wakes me up one more time in the night. I don't know what time it is. It isn’t as dark. Maybe it is nearly morning. I don't know. I am too tired to think about it. My dad wakes me up for school. He unties my hands and tells me to go and get a shower.
I go very fast to the shower. My dad and brother stay in bed. I make the door locked behind me. No one can come in. But I watch the door too and then if the bad man is hiding, He can’t sneak in and I don't know about it. I scratch all down with my dad’s hard brush to make it all wash away. I don't cry. I make it hurt though. I make all the bad parts wash away.
My dad doesn’t drive me to school. He isn’t allowed to. My mum doesn’t let him. But it is okay. I meet Rachel and we walk. I don't know what to say to her. I want to ask her about things. I think about it lots of times. Maybe she can keep secrets and she doesn’t tell anyone.
“I have a friend at school. He said his dad is doing bad things to him. Would you tell the teacher?” I ask her.
She asks me what kind of things. I tell her sex things. But I don't say them all. My hands shake very bad about it. She thinks about it a long time.
“I would tell my mum or the teacher,” she says.
I nod my head about it and say thank you. I don't tell her anything else. We walk to school.
Thirty Six
There is another boy and girl called Simone and Aaron. They are brother and sister. They live in a flat near my mum and dad’s house. Simone likes to hang around with me and Rachel. But she isn't allowed to stay out very late because she isn't twelve yet. She is only nine. But we like her and we let her play. She is lots of fun. Her brother is little. He is like my brother and he is seven. He doesn't know many things. He has something wrong inside his head. It makes him say lots of stupid things and then his mum gets mad about it and tells him to get out of the house. But he comes and plays with us too. My brother doesn't like him. He calls him names. My brother is mean and stupid. I tell him he is fat and he should get lost. Then he cries.
My mum doesn't like Aaron either. She says he has something wrong with his head because his mum drinks lots of alcohol and then she drank it when he was inside. She calls her bad names and says she has sex with lots of men. “Probably doesn't know who the father is.” But she does. Simone and Aaron have a dad. He is nice. Both the mum and dad are nice. They let me and Rachel come inside. Then she gives us fizzy drinks and biscuits. I don't get them at home. Just my brother does because he is good and I am bad. Sometimes, Simone’s mum makes us a nice dinner. I don't tell my mum about it or she will say I am not allowed to play there anymore. I don't like when I am not allowed to play at people’s houses. But I do it
and I don't tell my mum about it. Then she doesn't get mad.
Simone’s mum and dad ask me and Rachel if we want to babysit. We are allowed to watch a film if we do. We say yes. I don't ask my mum. She has just come out of the hospital and I am not allowed to bother her. My dad says so. I didn't see her at the hospital because my dad says I make her too sad. So I don't go. I stay and play with Rachel. My brother goes, but I am not allowed to. I don't know why I make her sad. I don't do it on purpose. I try my best to be nice. But then it doesn't work and my mum gets mad about it. Except when I talk about the Doctor Batman, then she likes it and it makes her happy. It is okay that I don't get to go. I don't want to anyway. It’s boring and they are all stupid.
My mum says the operation didn't work. She cries about it sometimes. But she still can’t eat all the nice food. It makes the sick come out. She thinks the doctor made it worse. She says they don't like her then they do it on purpose. I tell my mum maybe it was an accident, but she shouts at me and says I don't know anything. I tell her maybe she can ask Doctor Batman about it. My mum likes that. She smiles about it. She says, “Maybe them up there did it so I have to see him. They do things like that.”
Maybe my mum is right. She says them up there all the time. She means all the ghosts and things like that. Like my Gaga. He is up there and then he can see the bad things and make them into good things. I don't tell him about my bad things or the sex. I don't want him to see that. Maybe he thinks I am bad if he sees that. I don't want him to know I let my dad do the sex thing.
Simone lives near the beach. She lives in a flat. There are lots of other flats there, but I don't ever see the other people. We are going to babysit there. Simone’s mum and dad just go to the pub on the promenade. They won’t be a long time, they say. Just until ten. But I have to be home at nine. “We will pay you,” Simone’s dad says and me and Rachel say yes. Maybe I can go home at nine and tell my mum I go in the garage, then I sneak away and she doesn't know. She doesn't come in the garage at nighttime because it is dark and she doesn't like it.
We babysit at their flat and Simone's mum and dad say they have to go to bed. Simone doesn't watch the film with us. We are going to watch Edward Scissorhands. I haven't ever seen it before, but Rachel says it is very good. It looks scary on the cover. The man has lots of scissors on his hands. Rachel says it isn't. She likes it very much. She went to see it with her mum. I tell her maybe he chops people up. But she says he doesn't. My brain says maybe he makes all the scratches like the bad man does. Maybe he hurts people when they are asleep and then no one knows about it. I don't ask Rachel. I can’t ever talk about the bad man because he will come.
We lie on the sofa and Rachel lies on top of me. She isn't very heavy. She lies on me lots of times when we play at the golf course. Sometimes it makes me not breathe properly, but I don't tell her about it. She hugs with her head on me and I hug her too. I don't ever get hugs from people. I like to hug Rachel. But maybe then she can smell it from the sex part. I don't hug her sometimes when I can smell that.
We watch the film. It isn't scary. But I get sad when the dad dies and then Edward doesn't have anyone and he cries all by himself. I don't like when I cry all by myself. Maybe someone hears and comes to hug him. The lady takes him home and he lives in her house. He doesn't go to a boy’s home. My mum says if my mum and dad go anywhere then me and my brother go to a boy’s home. But we go to different ones because I am big and he is little. Then I don't see anyone, not even my Nan.
Rachel leans up and looks at me. She does that lots of times when we lie down and talk about things. She doesn't get off me though. She smiles and maybe she is going to do something to trick me. Maybe she tries to tickle me. But she doesn't. She puts her mouth on mine and I didn't know she was going to do that. I haven't ever kissed a girl before. Not a proper kiss. I did with Kirsty, but we didn't do it properly. Not like my mum showed me how to do it. My mum says I have to open my mouth and then I have to put my tongue on hers. I don't like to do it with my mum. But I do it with Rachel. It is a big kiss and we do it for a long time.
Rachel rolls down at my side. Then she is squashed at the back of the sofa. I don't know why I do it; I get my hand in her pants. She doesn't say no about it. Maybe we can do the sex thing. But I won’t make it hurt. Not like the play place. I had to make it hurt there. I didn't like it. The girls cried about it. I tried to say no, but then I got hit and made to do it. I didn't like to make them cry. I didn't like when the boys had to do the sex thing too. Then they make me cry. I don't want to make Rachel cry. But she doesn't and she doesn't take my hand away. We do it for so long I don't see the time, and it gets past nine and I don't know about it.
We don't get to the sex part because Simone's mum and dad come back. They are noisy when they come in. It is good, then we hear them and they don't see and don't know that I am bad. Rachel has her pants open, but she fastens them back up before Simone's mum sees. Maybe they would tell my dad about it. Then he is right. All I like is sex. All the time.
Simone's mum gives us five pounds for babysitting. We tell her thank you very much. Then we go home. We walk in all the alleyways. Rachel thinks it is scary. But I say it isn't. Dark isn't scary outside. Just inside when the bad man comes. I hold Rachel's hand, then she isn't scared about it. Rachel says maybe there is someone scary in the alleyway. But I tell her there isn't and I make spooky noises. She smacks me and tells me to stop it.
We walk to Rachel's house and then I give her a kiss goodbye. I like to kiss her. I wish Simone's mum didn't come back yet. Then we could stay there. Rachel goes in her house and then I walk in the alleyway again. When I can’t see Rachel's house, I get the cigarettes out of my pocket. I hide them and then Rachel doesn't find them and screw them up. I light it and smoke it. I like when it is in my throat. When it is all gone then I go home. Then my mum and dad don't know I smoked it.
It is after ten. Maybe my mum locked the house up. Maybe my dad has gone to bed. He goes to bed at ten because he gets very tired. He says it is because of everyone. We make him tired all the time. Then my mum watches the television. I feel scared when I get to the house. I don't want to go in the garage. I don't like to walk all the way at the back of the house. Maybe the bad man is waiting. Maybe he can get me and then my mum doesn't hear. I see it lots of times. I see his face in my brain and he has a stupid smile. I don't like it. Then I feel his nails and it hurts. Maybe he can kill me and I can go away.
I go into the back garden. The kitchen light is on. My mum is in the kitchen. It makes me think phew. Maybe she will be mad at me. Maybe she won’t let me in. I have a key. When I sleep in the garage, she puts the key in the other side, then mine doesn't work. I tried it sometimes then I have to run back to the garage. Maybe she has done that.
I feel the thing in my back. It makes me scared and I run very fast to the back door. It feels like the bad man is there. Maybe he hides and watches. I run very fast to the door. My mum didn't put the key in and it opens wide. I go inside very fast and I make my mum jump. She swears at me about it. I tell her I am sorry.
My mum is mad at me because I am late. She shouts at me. She is washing the plates and her hands are soapy. It flicks about when she waves them mad at me. I don't move away. She smacks me if I do that. Then maybe she gets my dad and he makes it very bad. “I saw Batman,” I say to my mum when she is quiet. I don't know why I say it. But it comes out and she stops getting mad at me.
“You did? Where? Here?” she asks me lots of things. Her voice is very excited.
I tell her I am very sorry for being late. I didn't mean to. She tells me it is okay. She doesn't mind. I wasn't very late. She asks me about the doctor. She wants to know where I saw him. I tell her that I was babysitting for Simone and then we had to walk on the promenade. I tell her he drove past us in his car.
She asks me if he was by himself. I nod my head. “He looked sad,” I tell her.
She asks me if I was sure it was him. I nod my head. She washes some more things
and then she doesn't look at me. I don't go away. She didn't tell me to. Then when the plate is clean, she turns around again. She has a very big smile. “Maybe he came here to see me and then he saw your dad’s car again,” she says. “He is sad because of his bloody wife.”
She talks lots about him. I don't say anything about it. I ask her if I can make some cereal. I always get food when she talks about the doctor. It makes her happy about it. She says yes but I am not allowed to make a mess. I tell her I won’t. Then I make a big giant bowl of it. I don't move it because then maybe it falls on the floor and she will get mad. I don't want her to be mad. She is happy about the doctor.
I eat my cereal and she asks me lots of things. She asks me if he came near the house. I tell her he turned away first and went down the road where the shop is. My mum says it is because of my dad’s car again. Me and my mum talk for a long time. I say all the right words to her and she doesn't get mad at me. It is after midnight and I am very tired. I don't see my dad. He is in bed and then he is sleeping. My mum didn't finish her dishes yet. She talks too much. I tell her I will help her then she can go to bed too. She says no, she will do them herself. She isn't tired.
I tell her goodnight and she doesn't get mad at me. I go and brush my teeth and things and then I go upstairs. I sneak so my dad doesn't hear me. But maybe he knows I am late. He gets up and he comes to his bedroom door. I stand outside mine for a long time. Maybe the bad man is in there. “What are you doing?” he asks me. It makes me freeze inside. Maybe he will ask about being late. I tell him about helping my mum do the dishes. He says okay and then he goes downstairs.
Goodbye Teddy Page 16