I go back to school on Monday. I don’t want to. I have two more years to do and I don’t want to do them. I hate it. It’s all pointless now.
Sixty Seven
After school, every day, I do my paper round, and then I go to Michele’s house. Alan still brings me home too. School is boring. I hate to go there. I like to hang around with Lewis and sit at the ditch. Sometimes, at lunchtime, we just walk out of school through the rock gardens and go there to smoke a cigarette or sometimes a joint. It doesn’t matter. The teachers don’t even notice.
I am going to meet Michelle and Lewis and Rebecca at the park after school today. We are going to get some cider and have a play around on her brother’s moped again. It’s so old, but it’s fun to do. We ride it around the lake there as long as the park security doesn’t see us. But they just sit in the office.
Michelle’s mum and dad don’t say anything, either. They buy us the cider if we give them the money. I like her mum and dad. They make me laugh. When I go there after school, her dad gives me his mug, and then I have to go and make him a mug of tea. So many people are there. Sometimes there are so many cups in a line on the side that I have to make two lots.
On Sunday, they are going to a fair. They ask if I want to come. Lewis and Rebecca are going too. It’s an agricultural fair. Michelle’s dad loves them. He likes to watch the tractors racing and things like that. I haven’t ever seen one before. Not racing. Where my mum and dad used to live when I didn’t live there, there were farms and tractors, but I didn’t see them race before. I say yes.
It is an accident I don’t go home all weekend. We go to the park and ride the moped and drink the cider. When it is too late, we have to take it back to Michelle’s house and give it back to her brother. But it isn’t time to go home yet so we go into the caravan and listen to music and smoke. I didn’t even know I was so tired and that I would fall to sleep. When I open my eyes again, it is the middle of the night. Michelle is asleep too. Lewis and Rebecca have gone home.
I jump up fast and swear. I make Michelle jump. I am going to be in so much trouble. My dad is going to hit me. My head hurts and I try to move, but my chest is tight. Everything feels like it bangs inside. “Oh God,” I shout many times. I have no idea what to do. My dad is going to beat me so bad because I didn’t come home. “I have to go,” I say to Michelle. “I have to go home.” I am nearly crying, but I don’t let her see.
“It’s too late now,” she says to me. “Stay for the night and go back in the morning. You’re already out all night.”
I look at the clock; it is nearly 5am. I don’t ever sleep that long. I am shaking. Michelle tells me to come back to bed. I try to, but I feel too bad inside about it. She hugs me very tight and then she tries to kiss me again, but I can't stop thinking about my dad. I know what he is going to do when he sees me. I know he will make it hurt. I can't keep the shaking away. I try to hide it so Michelle doesn’t see and then she doesn’t know. She tells me it will be okay.
I lie next to Michelle and don’t go to sleep. Michelle does; she falls right to sleep. She doesn’t bother when I sit up or when I get out of bed and go outside to smoke a cigarette. It is so early even the milkman comes. He says hi to me when he walks up the path to put the milk on the doorstep. I ask him if I can buy some orange juice off him. He says yes, and I sit and drink that and smoke outside.
It makes me feel sick inside. I haven’t eaten any food. But I don’t eat a lot of food anyway. I am too bad to eat. I don’t deserve it. I laugh at my stupid stomach when it rumbles. It makes me happy when I can feel it. At least then I won’t be fat like my dad says. When Michelle wakes up, she comes outside too.
“What do you want to do today?” she asks me.
“I have to go home,” I say, because I know I am in so much trouble. I can't go to the fair. My mum and dad won’t let me come back now. I ruined everything because I was so stupid and fell asleep.
Michelle says I am already in trouble I might as well go home later. She can get her mum to call my mum and dad to say where I am. I don’t like them talking to Michelle’s mum. What if she says how bad I am and her mum tells me to go away? But I nod at Michelle. My dad is going to hit me anyway. It makes me afraid when I think about it.
We go to the fair. It’s good fun. Lewis and Rebecca come too. There is a beer tent and Michelle’s dad buys us some beer, but we have to behave with it. “No pissing about,” he says. We don’t. The day goes very fast, and Michelle’s mum asks me if I want dropping home on the way back, but I tell her no. I can get a ride off Alan. I am not ready to see my mum and dad yet.
I try not to think about it.
When it is time to go, Alan gives me a ride and drops me at the usual place. I think about the police because I am two days late. They didn’t call them because they aren’t outside, but it makes me afraid that they might have. I wonder why they didn’t call them. I wasn’t even late when they did.
The lights are on in the house. The car is in the driveway. The house looks normal. I stand at the corner and watch it and smoke a cigarette before I have to go in and die. I know what’s coming. I know what is going to happen to me for not doing as I was told. I don’t want to go in here. I look down the street and wonder if I can just keep walking. Maybe no one will notice. But I don’t. I finish my cigarette and take a deep breath. Then I walk down their drive to the big back gate. It is locked. I have to climb over it. I used to climb it all the time. But I have been drinking today. It makes me wobble when I climb onto the wall.
I stand on the wall between us and next door. Then I pull myself up onto the large concrete beam. When I was little it was so very high. But it is only six foot and I am nearly that too. I jump down onto the other side. The garden is dark. My mum isn’t in the kitchen. She has finished. Maybe I have to sleep in the garage tonight if she put the key in the lock so I can't open it. But she didn’t. I try it. I know I have to because I am so late.
I wish it was locked, then I wouldn’t have to see them. But it opens and I go inside and lock it behind me. I can see my mum and dad through the glass walls. My mum is lying by the fire. She has the television on and my dad is on the sofa reading his book. They don’t look at me when I come in.
I walk through the dining room and into the lounge. I am so scared. I try to make my breathing slow, but it is hard and I feel sick. “If you’re getting a shower, do it now because I want to get a bath,” my mum says, but she doesn’t look at me.
I stand and think about it for a minute. I don’t know why they aren’t shouting at me. My dad doesn’t even look at me. Maybe he doesn’t care. I don’t say anything and go to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. When I close the door, my dad knocks on it. I didn’t know he was behind me. I open it and I move to the other side of the bathroom and look at my feet. My hands start to shake because I know he will hit me now and I am stuck.
He leans against the mirror and folds his arms. I try not to look up at him. “Get your shower,” he says to me. I try to see if he is going to go away, but he isn’t. He stands and waits for me to start taking my clothes off. I don’t know why I start to cry when he watches me. I can't get the buttons open because my hands shake so bad. I wish I could leave the room.
“Are you enjoying having sex with Michelle?” he asks me. But I don’t know what to say about it. I shrug.
I take all my clothes off except my underwear. I wait for him to go, but he doesn’t. “The rest too,” he says to me. I take them off and then my dad unfastens his belt and takes it off. I don’t want him to hit me with it. It hurts and makes me bleed when he does that. “Come here,” my dad says to me and I do, but I don’t look at him. He pushes me down so I am on my knees, and then he puts my hand to his pants. I have to open them myself and put it in my mouth. He puts his belt around my throat. It makes me scared. They did that at the play place, but my dad didn’t ever do it before.
My dad pulls the belt and I have to move. He uses it to make me stand back up again and t
hen when he has sex with me, he uses it to pull my head back so I can see him in the mirror behind me. I don’t want to see, though. I don’t want to know what he does, then I have to see Michelle and she will know too.
He puts his hand on me, and he pulls my head so my face is next to his, he leans over my shoulder. “Does it feel good to have sex with her?” he says. He asks me lots of things about it. He does it until I get to the end when I make all the sounds and he tells me I am good. He catches it all in his hand and then he puts it to my mouth. “Open your mouth,” he says to me, but I don’t want to. I try to turn my head away, but he pulls the belt and it makes my mouth open, he puts his fingers inside. I don’t like how it tastes.
When he is finished, he gets the belt off my neck and puts it back on his jeans. He gets dressed and opens the door. “It’s a good job we called Michelle’s mum to ask where you were,” he says to me. “Or we wouldn’t have known where you were.” He goes out of the bathroom. I stare at the stupid face in the mirror. I hate that face. He ruins everything. I get my nails and I make them scratch all down his neck. I dig it in as deep as I can. I make it hurt until he starts to cry, but it doesn’t work. He has to hurt. I want him to hurt.
I get my dad’s razor instead like when I was little. I get it and I cut under his eyes like stripes. I watch the blood fall down his stupid face. I make another line and another until there are three and then he is crying like a stupid baby. I am glad. He deserves everything.
Sixty Eight
(Age Fifteen)
When I come home from school the next day, my mum is acting very strange. She has nice clothes on, her hair is done nice and she has makeup on. She is in a good mood and she smiles at me. She only wears nice things when she is seeing the doctor. But I know she isn’t seeing him because she makes me go with her when she does so that I can remember everything he said, and then we can talk about it.
The house is nice and neat too. She has cleaned everything up. I don’t ask her about it. I just go inside to get changed and then go to do my paper round. When I come back, I am going to get the tram to see Michelle, but my mum asks me if I will set the table for dinner. “Don’t forget to set a place for your brother too,” she says to me. I don’t ask her about that, either. He doesn’t usually eat at the table. He has his on his special tray in front of the television.
I don’t know how many seats to put at the table. I put three. If I put four and then my mum didn’t make me any dinner, she will say I am greedy. It doesn’t matter, though. I don’t want the dinner anyway. I haven’t eaten dinner in a long time. It is good that I am hungry. I deserve it.
My mum serves the dinner onto plates. She shouts me and asks me to help take the food out. I try to stand away in case I have done something bad and it is a trick. Sometimes she does that, and I am stupid so I fall for it, and then she hits me or gets her nails in my neck. She has four plates. She sees the dining room. “How come there are only three settings?” she asks me.
I tell her I didn’t know I was having some dinner too.
“Why wouldn’t you be? What do you think I am? Do you think I starve you?” I don’t say anything, but I go and get the mat and set another seat. I tell her I am sorry, that maybe she thought I was eating at Michelle’s house or something.
We all sit at the table. My mum has made a big salad with chicken. It’s been a long time since we all ate at the table. We don’t even do it at Christmas. It’s very strange. I know something bad is going to happen, I can feel it. It feels too strange. Maybe I have done something really bad and I don’t know about it. I try to hug myself tight so that if my dad hits me, it doesn’t hurt too bad. He sits next to me. My brother sits at the other side of me and my mum sits opposite. I don’t like it. I can't move. I feel trapped.
“How is Michelle?” my dad asks me. I tell him she is okay, then I ask him about his work, and if he is busy there. I don’t want to talk about Michelle with him. I don’t want him to start asking all the questions about sex with her. I hate when he says it. He makes it all feel very bad.
My mum starts to ask me things, though. Like what school she goes to and what does she want to do when she leaves school, but I don’t want my mum to know about Michelle, either. I tell her I don’t know. “We just hang out,” I say.
“I want to meet her,” my mum says. It makes my stomach ache when she says that. It’s not going to be good if she meets Michelle. Nothing good will happen. My mum will meet her and be nice and then when Michelle is gone, she will say bad things about her. I don’t want my mum and dad to tell Michelle about the things I do with them. Then she will go away because of how bad I am. “If we can't meet her, then you aren’t going to see her again,” my mum says when I haven’t said anything to her.
“And don’t think about just taking yourself there. There are places we can send you to stop that,” my dad says.
“Tell her to come here Sunday. She can have dinner with us,” my mum says. “But you aren’t to see her until then. I know you and the schemes you’ll come up with to get out of it. It’s like you’re ashamed of us or something.”
“Are you ashamed of us?” my dad asks me. “Is that why you can't behave all the time? You should count yourself lucky at what you have. Other children have it bad. They’d give anything to have the life you have.”
My dad eats his food. I stare at him and wish he could hear all the things that I say inside my head, but he can't. I watch as he chews. I hate his mouth. I hate the sounds he makes when he is breathing. They make me think about when he has sex with me. I can hear it then, the way his lips make a noise when they go together like he has too much spit in his mouth. He makes me feel dirty, and I can't wash it away.
I don’t answer my dad about the week. I just nod and look at my food. I don’t want to eat it. It’s been days and I haven’t eaten a lot. If I eat it, it will make me hungry and then my stupid body will want more and more because it’s greedy. I don’t want to feed it.
The whole week has been very strange. I don’t really know why. It feels like I’ve been in a daydream. My mum and dad talk sometimes, but I can't hear them. They sound far away. I try to answer them. When they shout, I don’t feel it inside. My mum is making dinner. She has made it for me every day. My dad shouts at me when I don’t want to eat it. I give it to Sheba when he isn’t looking. I hide it in my sleeves and things. He doesn’t know because he’s blind and stupid.
It’s Sunday and my mum is making roast chicken because my Nan is coming too. So is Michelle. “Can I go to the toilet?” I ask my mum.
She looks at me with her stupid, shocked face that she does. I wish I could hit her when she does that. I hate that face. I hate most of her faces. “Why are you asking me?” she says to me. “If you want to go, just go.”
I try to keep my laugh inside. If I just went when I wanted to, all hell would break loose, and I’d be bounced around the room, no doubt peeing myself as they did it, and then punished because I messed up my clothes and made to stay in them so everyone could smell what a failure I was.
I hate them this week. I don’t know why. I keep saying bad things to my mum. It just comes out. I don’t mean it to. My mum is making me scared about her meeting Michelle. I try not to go near my mum or dad because I know they will hit me or something.
Yesterday, my dad grabbed my arm. “What’s your problem?” he said to me. But I didn’t know what he meant. I told him I didn’t have one. “You’re acting like we never cared for you,” he said. I just told him I was sorry and that I don’t mean to. But I don’t understand. It makes me feel like I am not real. Maybe everything is a dream and I am asleep. Maybe they aren’t bad and I just made it that way?
Michelle rings the bell. She is early. I answer the door, but my mum is behind me. “Wait before you open the door,” she says to me, and then she looks in the hall mirror and makes her hair straight. I open the door and Michelle turns and waves at her mum. My mum squeezes past me and looks down the side of the house to where
Michelle’s mum is. She leans out and waves at her. Michelle’s mum waves back.
Michelle comes in and we stand in the kitchen while my mum finishes making dinner. She talks with her stupid high voice. I want to tell her to shut up. I hate when she talks like that. It’s fake and like a baby. She thinks it’s cute. I think she sounds like an idiot. My Nan comes and she talks to Michelle too. We all have dinner at the table and my mum and Nan talk to Michelle. When it is all gone, and I stand up to take the plates away, my mum says, “It’s okay, I’ll do that. You two go off and do something.”
My mum is acting strange, but I don’t say anything. Michelle’s mum comes to pick her up again when my Nan is going home too. My mum goes to the kitchen to wash the dishes and my dad tells me to go and dry them for her. I know I am going to get told off. I wonder what it is that me or Michelle did wrong. There will be something; there always is.
“How is school?” my mum says to me while she starts to fill the bowl. I tell her that it is okay. “Are you doing okay there? Nothing bad you need to talk about?”
“It’s all fine,” I say to her.
“We do love you, you know?” she says to me, and then she stares when she says it. It makes my stomach feel sick inside. It turns over and my eyes fill up. I don’t want her to say that to me. I don’t. She can't. I try to stop from crying, but it is too hard and the tears come out and go down my face. My mum starts to cry. “Do you think we don’t?”
I can't talk. I try, but the words are stuck. I open my mouth but they don’t come out. I can't say anything. She dries her hands and then she comes towards me. She is going to hug me. I move backwards. I don’t want her to touch me.
Goodbye Teddy Page 30