by Soraya Lane
“Come on, let’s go say hi to everyone,” he said, keeping an arm around her.
Lisa pushed away her worries, clung on to Matt. They were having a baby. Five words that hadn’t stopped running through her mind since the day they’d found out. And finally, finally she felt like she had everything that she’d ever wanted, that the pieces of her own personal jigsaw puzzle were in place.
She had Matt. They had their house. Their dog, Blue.
And soon they were going to have their baby.
Life didn’t get any better. Which was why Lisa had woken in a sweat every night since they’d had the news, waiting for something terrible to happen, waiting for something to crash. She knew it was stupid but she couldn’t help it. Maybe it was because she was so used to being in control and this was so frustratingly out of her control.
“Come on, sweetheart, follow me.” Matt’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts.
Lisa smiled up at her husband and let herself get swept away in smiles and laughter, the hands reaching out for her belly; became lost in the bubble of good wishes. Her husband’s humor was contagious; the smiles he kept flashing her reminded her why she loved him so much, how much fun they had. He balanced out her anxious tendencies with his positive attitude and zest for life. She might feel like she’d have two children to look after once the baby was born, but Matt was going to be a fun dad, and as long as they were all happy together, that was all she cared about.
“Hey, come give me a hand,” Kelly called out, catching her eye.
Lisa was happy to take a breather and disappear into the kitchen. “You do realize that I hate surprises, right?” She slung an arm around her big sister and gave her a hug. “Just in case you’ve missed that fact our whole lives.”
“The girls wanted to do it when I told them, and Matt was so cute when he spilled the beans. I was going on about the girls already asking for Christmas presents months ahead of the event, and he blurted that he couldn’t wait to play Santa next year before he even realized what he’d done.”
“Well, I wish you’d warned me, but thanks,” Lisa said. “It means a lot that you did this for us.”
“You look worried,” Kelly said, moving away from her and taking cling wrap off some large plates. “Have you been sick?”
Lisa moved closer, leaned forward and stole a sandwich, narrowly avoiding Kelly’s hand slapping at her. She popped it in her mouth and sighed. Kelly’s tiny sandwiches were perfect as always.
“No. Actually, I’m just nervous, I guess. So many things keep playing through my head—worries, things that could go wrong . . .” She shrugged and went to take a blini, the cream cheese and salmon topped with capers making her mouth water.
“No!” Kelly said, grabbing it from her before she could eat it. “No salmon! You need to read up on what you’re allowed to eat with that baby on board.”
Lisa shut her mouth, trying to stop herself from actually drooling. “Oops. I forgot.”
“It doesn’t get any easier. With your first, you worry about everything, then with your second you start to think about what would happen to your first if you didn’t make it through childbirth. It’s awful.”
“Oh, thanks for being so positive,” Lisa said sarcastically.
Kelly stopped what she was doing and gave her the “big sister” look that she always did so well. “I’m just trying to say that what you’re feeling is normal. Everything will be okay, but the worry never stops, even if nothing goes wrong.”
“I know. Hell, I should know—I’ve seen you go through it twice!”
“Yeah, but it’s not until you’re a mom that you get that feeling, that . . .” Kelly threw her hands up in the air. “It’s terrible. Suddenly you can’t watch a news story that involves something happening to a child without crying. Everything just affects you differently. It’s impossible to describe how it changes you.”
Lisa nodded. “So the emotions are normal, even now?”
Kelly stopped what she was doing and came closer, held both Lisa’s hands tight in hers as she stared into her eyes. “Sweetheart, it’s normal. The ups and downs of what you’re feeling right now are all normal, and it’s worth every second.”
“You didn’t sound that grateful for your little rug rats when you called the other morning to say they’d woken for the third time in a row at five a.m.,” Lisa said wryly.
Kelly shrugged. “Some days I’d give them to any orphanage with a spare bed, and I’m not kidding! But others?” her sister smiled. “Seeing the smiles on their little faces as we made decorations for you and talked about the baby, or the way they ran into my arms after school today? Worth every crappy moment. A hundred times over.”
“Thanks.” Lisa pulled her sister closer, needing a hug. “Matt’s insanely excited about being a dad. You should see him stripping the walls in the nursery.”
Kelly hugged her back tightly, not letting go. “I have no idea how you found a husband who’s so thrilled about being with his wife after so long. It’s not just the baby that he’s excited about.”
Lisa let her sister go, but this time she moved around into the kitchen to help her, happy to take cling wrap off and make sure the plates were arranged all pretty, just how her sister liked.
“Everything’s okay with you and Richard, isn’t it?”
“Of course! I love Richard. He’s . . .” Kelly shrugged. “Richard is Richard. We’re like any other married couple with kids, I guess. We have fun together; we parent as best we can and get through each day.”
“I’m not following,” Lisa said, laughing at the just-as-puzzled look on her sister’s face.
“You must be blind. Have you not noticed how Matt looks at you? Like he wants to eat you up? After years together, you guys still have that ‘first love’ spark. We all laugh about it.”
Lisa planted her hands on her hips, trying not to laugh and struggling. “Who’s ‘we’? Kelly!”
“Everyone! My friends see you two at a party or something and talk for days about how lucky my little sister is with the big burly husband who can’t take his eyes off her.”
Lisa knew she was blushing; her face was on fire. What could she even say in response to that? “He doesn’t look at me like he wants to eat me,” she muttered. Although she did have to admit that Matt always had his hands on her, still acted like they were teenagers sneaking around sometimes. And she did kind of like it.
“Sorry, did I need to spell it out? By eat I mean . . .”
“I know what you mean!” Lisa hissed. She was trying to be angry with her sister but she couldn’t stop giggling.
“What’s so funny?”
Lisa tried to stop when she heard Matt’s deep voice but it only made things worse. She hadn’t laughed so hard in forever.
“Your wife has crazy pregnancy hormones, that’s all,” Kelly said, cracking up again and making it even harder for Lisa to stop.
When she managed to look up at Matt, his eyebrows were raised.
“What’s going on, you two? Spill.”
Lisa smiled at her husband, forgetting the sandwiches she’d been busy arranging.
“Nothing,” she said. “Just two sisters forgetting their age and being silly.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with silly,” Matt said, grinning. “I’ve been telling you that all along.” He held out a hand and tucked her tight into his body when she went to him, under his arm and warm to his chest, her favorite spot in the world.
“And there he goes,” Kelly murmured.
“Kelly!” Lisa scolded.
“I’m missing something here, or else you guys are actually going crazy,” Matt said.
“Kelly has this silly idea that you give me a look all the time that most husbands don’t give their wives after five years of marriage. Like you want to eat me up,” Lisa confessed.
Matt wrapped his arms around her in a big bear hug and growled deep in his throat. “But I do want to eat you up all the time, Lis. Your sister knows me too wel
l.”
She went to protest and he grabbed her tighter, lifted her up into the air in his arms. She squirmed, fighting against his hold. They’d always been like this—always goofing around, and she loved that Matt didn’t treat her any differently now.
“Matt! Put me down. I thought I’d told you enough already with picking me up!”
“Did you? I don’t recall. There’s something about you being preggers that makes me want to hold you.”
He play-growled again and kissed her, melted away all her struggles until she was like marshmallow in his arms. Nothing felt better than Matt’s touch, his kiss, the way he held her and gave her all his attention like nothing else in the world mattered.
“Make the most of it before the baby comes,” Kelly called out. “And please, please keep your clothes on in my kitchen!”
Lisa indulged in one last kiss before reluctantly pulling away. “It’s time to take the food out,” she said.
Matt blew her a kiss back. “I’ll do the drinks. I’m ready for another beer.”
She watched him walk out of the room, couldn’t take her eyes off him. She didn’t realize her sister had been staring at her.
“And that’s why the rest of the female population is jealous of you.”
Lisa shrugged. “I’m not going to lie: I hit the jackpot with Matt.” He was infuriatingly laid-back sometimes, drove her crazy when he arrived home late after beers with the guys when he’d promised a date night, but she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.
“You know I’m only teasing, right? There are no two nicer people in the world than you guys. You deserve each other.”
Lisa nudged her sister with her shoulder and picked up the plate of sandwiches. “Thanks for all this.”
“Sweetheart, you’ve been the best aunty to my girls. This is a big deal and we’re so happy for you.” Kelly smirked. “Besides, you keep me in clothes. As long as I can fit your sample sizes, you’ll always be my favorite sister!”
Lisa walked out through the same door her husband had disappeared through, a smile on her face that she doubted anything could crack.
2.
THREE MONTHS LATER
Lisa held on tight to Matt’s hand, but he didn’t seem to mind. Something about squeezing his palm hard was making her less anxious.
“We’re going to do a scan now to check the baby,” the sonographer told them, her smile kind as she faced them. “I’m going to squirt a little of this on your tummy and then we’ll get started.”
Lisa adjusted her pants so they were low, jumping when the cold jelly-like liquid touched her stomach.
“Cold?” Matt asked with a laugh.
“Freezing,” she muttered.
“Your doctor tells me you’ve had some bleeding?” the sonographer asked. “That can be perfectly normal during pregnancy, but we’ll check everything out just to make sure. We’ll also be able to check all the baby’s measurements and make sure everything is okay in there.”
Lisa let her breath go as something appeared on the screen, a blur that turned to something more recognizable.
“That’s our baby,” she whispered.
“Sure is. And that bit there that’s gone red on the screen—that’s the heart, so you don’t have to worry that your bleeding has been related to a miscarriage. Give me a sec and I’ll play the heartbeat for you.”
Lisa looked up at Matt. He was grinning like crazy. She closed her eyes and smiled as the strong little heartbeat played out.
“Unreal, huh?” he said.
They’d had one scan already, but this one was different. This one looked like a baby and not just a little bean. This time felt so much more real.
“Can you tell what gender the baby is?” Matt asked. “It’s killing me not knowing.”
“Let me just do all the vitals first, and then I’ll tell you whether you’ll be picking out dresses or toys for the sandbox. You should be just far enough along for me to see.”
Lisa laughed, her worries falling away. She’d known that bleeding was normal sometimes, but it hadn’t stopped her worrying like crazy. Her doctor had done a Pap smear just in case, but now that she could see their baby, see the little heart beating, she knew everything was going to be okay. It was the baby she’d been worrying about, not herself—she could deal with anything as long as her baby was okay.
They both stayed silent as all the measurements were tracked, parts of their baby enlarged and marked, and then the sonographer stopped and turned to them.
“So you definitely want to know the gender?”
Lisa grabbed Matt’s hand again. “Yes.”
“Hell, yes,” Matt added.
They all laughed and then Lisa took a deep breath. She didn’t care either way; she just desperately wanted to know.
“It’s a boy.”
“Yes!” Matt fist-pumped the air and made Lisa laugh, shaking her head.
“How am I going to deal with you and another boy?” she moaned, secretly thrilled.
Matt shrugged. “You’ll do it. Maybe I’ll grow up.”
“No way. I’m counting on you to be like a human playground for this little man.”
A boy. A gorgeous little boy to snuggle and kiss and adore. If he turned out anything like his dad, she’d be lucky.
The sonographer handed her a cloth. “I’ll leave you with this to wipe your stomach down, and you can come out once you’re ready.”
“So everything’s okay? Nothing out of the ordinary at all?” Lisa asked, starting to wipe.
“As far as I can tell everything looks fine with the baby. But I’ll be forwarding these scans on to the specialist to check, as well as your OB/GYN.”
Lisa nodded and passed Matt the cloth she’d used, pulling her jeans back up and sitting upright. He came back to stand beside her when he’d thrown the cloth in the bin, holding his hands out. She took them and stood, leaning in to him, breathing deep.
“We’re having a boy,” she murmured. “It feels so real now.”
“You’re not upset that it’s not a little girl?” Matt asked, kissing her as he stared down at her.
“Not for a second. I just want a beautiful little baby,” Lisa told him honestly. She hugged him tight.
“We can try for a girl next time. We’re still planning on having a football team of kids, right?” he asked. “I don’t want you backing out of the plan now!”
Lisa laughed. “Whoa, slow down. Maybe a quarter of a football team. You’re not the one throwing up every morning.”
“Oh yeah, sorry.” Matt kissed her again, his touch soft, lips melting against hers. “As long as we have kids, I’ll be happy. I’m ready to goof around with little people, spend more time at home. It’ll give me an excuse to go to kids’ movies, make little huts, eat ice cream and . . .”
“What are you talking about? You already goof around all the time!” Lisa burst out laughing.
Matt just shrugged. “You love it. I know you do.”
Lisa turned around and headed for the door, ducking under Matt’s arm when he pushed it open ahead of her. He’d make a great dad, and she could tell how excited he was. Besides, they’d always talked about having kids. It had always been part of their plan; it had just taken them a bit longer to get pregnant than they’d expected.
“So do I have permission to buy blue paint and get the room finished now?” Matt asked, holding her hand as they walked toward reception.
“Sure thing. Just make sure you get the same soft blue that’s on the sample,” Lisa said, no longer worrying, excitement taking over. “I’ll order the fabric today for the blinds, and there was this super cute blue gingham giraffe that I’d love to put beside his crib.”
Matt jumped in front of her, taking her face in both of his hands. “You’re so cute sometimes,” he muttered, dropping his mouth to hers.
There were people all around them, but today Lisa didn’t care. She liked that Matt’s enthusiasm was rubbing off on her. She kissed him back, laughing when he
tried to dip her backward. They’d just found out they were having a little boy; if her husband wanted to kiss her in public, then she was damn well going to let him.
“If you get to buy blue giraffes, I get to go buy diggers. And mini tool belts,” Matt told her.
“Deal,” she said.
She knew next to nothing about boys, but as far as she was concerned, it was just going to make the process even more fun. Even if she had to take a crash course in trucks and diggers from her crazy-happy husband first.
3.
Lisa’s hands were trembling. When Matt reached for her, staring straight ahead but his hand locking over hers, fingers linking tight, she held on like he was her only lifeline. She couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t she breathe?
How were they here? Why were they here? What had they done to deserve this? Would anyone notice if she just got up right now and walked out?
“Thank you for your patience.”
Lisa gulped, swallowing what felt like a rock in her throat as the oncologist walked into the room and shut the door behind them. She didn’t answer, just sat. A few months ago, she’d sat in a room just like this and heard the best news of her life. Now she was waiting to find out if she was dying. If she had cancer. If she . . . Lisa swallowed again, pushed the thoughts away, looked up at Matt. But he was impossible to read, and he was staring at the man who was now staring back at them. Surely the news couldn’t be that bad? She’d seen the baby; everything had looked fine. He’d looked perfect.
“I’m not going to lie. The prognosis is worse than we expected,” the oncologist said, sitting on the edge of his desk, not even taking a proper seat. “News like this is never easy to deliver, but I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help you beat this.” He paused. “The short of it is that you have cervical cancer, and because it’s at a more advanced stage than I’d hoped, we have some tough decisions to make.”
Lisa stared at him, fingers digging hard into her palm. What kind of tough decisions?