by Soraya Lane
“If we’re going on a road trip then we need a super-cool car,” Matt winked.
Lisa leaned back into their outdoor sofa, smiling as she cradled her champagne, no longer in danger of snapping the glass into shards. She’d been dreading the day for so long, but now it was here . . . she had a lot to be thankful for and she knew it. The cancer, the baby . . . They were all stumbling blocks, barriers in the way of what was supposed to be an amazing life. But she had Matt and her family, and she needed to start being grateful instead of resentful, before she ended up losing her husband and becoming all bitter and twisted. Her cancer hadn’t just ended her dreams—it had ended Matt’s too, and it was hard to deal with the fact that she was the obstacle standing between Matt and his ability to become a dad.
“Can we end the trip in Mexico?” she asked, dreaming of white sand and blue water.
“Mexico?” Matt asked, eyebrow arched. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I am.”
Matt laughed. “Hell yes. Mexico here we come!”
Lisa smiled. Driving around, heading for Mexico—it all sounded perfect. Maybe a vacation a long way from home was exactly what they both needed. A change of scenery to remind her of all the good things that were still in the world.
They sat for a while, sipping, silent. The light had almost completely disappeared, and as darkness engulfed them, the pretty little lights that Lisa had strung up across the pergola at Thanksgiving the year before, all through the wisteria, twinkled back at her.
“Matt, I don’t ever want to sell the house,” she said, not taking her eyes off their beautifully renovated bungalow. They’d bought it just after they’d been married. It had been a work in progress for years, but when they’d found out she was pregnant, Matt had spent every spare hour finishing the place. It had been transformed from a house into a home, the whitewashed walls and pretty country-style kitchen everything she’d ever dreamed of, with doors opening out to a big sun-filled patio. Their floors were stained the perfect shade of dark chocolate, gnarled old wood beneath, but made beautiful by sanding, staining and sealing. And she’d chosen every piece of furniture with their renovated home in mind, the home that was supposed to be for a family. “Even after everything, I never want to sell this place.”
“I don’t want to sell it either, Lisa. It’s our home, no matter what. Why have you been worrying about that? There’s no need.”
She was blinking away tears again when Matt’s smile stopped her from choking up, told her that she needed to stay strong. Today was not the day for tears.
“It’s just that we bought this home and fixed it up so we could have a family, and now we’re not having kids . . .”
“Sweetheart, if we want to have kids, we can have kids. You know I’m up for adoption or whatever it takes!”
She shook her head. “Don’t, Matt. Not now.”
He shrugged. “I’m not selling this place after all the work I put into it. So don’t even worry about it—it’s still our home.”
She nodded, wished she could be as optimistic as he was.
“I love you, Lisa,” he said, taking her by surprise with his words.
Lisa looked into his eyes. “I love you, too.” She smiled, trying not to be sad, wishing she felt differently. “Promise I do.”
Matt put down his beer and pulled her into his arms, onto his lap. “Baby, I know it. I always have.”
It was Matt with tears in his eyes now. Matt who never cried no matter what, who’d stayed so strong. The only other time she’d seen his eyes fill with tears was the day they’d found out they were expecting a son; but on the day he’d been taken from them her husband had remained unflinchingly stoic, strong for her every step of the way, even when she’d sobbed. She’d thought all this time that it was because he didn’t care as much as she did, but maybe she’d been wrong; maybe she’d just needed someone to blame.
“I’ll be sitting here admiring a tree house one day, for the kids we’re gonna fill this house with when you’re ready to talk about it,” he whispered, holding her hand.
“Matt, don’t,” she cautioned, not wanting to venture into that territory, not now. “Please just stop with the adoption talk, or anything else that involves kids.”
He went to say something, mouth open, then stopped. “You would have made one helluva mom,” Matt said, meeting her gaze, not backing down. “I don’t care what you want me to say or not: you would have and you still could.”
Lisa knew that Matt thought they had other options, but it wasn’t what she wanted, wasn’t what she’d seen in her future. But it broke her heart to think of Matt never getting that chance to be a dad, of them never getting the chance to be the parents they’d always laughed about being, so casually, like it was their right to have kids one day. Never realizing how damn hard it would be, or that the life they’d started to map out as teenagers might not go to plan.
“You still want it that bad, don’t you?” she asked sadly.
“No, what I want is for you to be happy, whatever it takes.” He leaned in to kiss her, to comfort her, but she just pushed him away. She didn’t want his touch, not now.
Matt stared into the eyes of his wife. He was trying. He was trying so damn hard it was almost killing him. He was trying to be in touch with his feelings, trying to say the right thing, trying to save his goddamn marriage.
“I don’t care about not being a dad if it means I have you, Lisa. I need you to know that. You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.”
“But I do and I always will,” she said, shaking her head, her fingers clenched tightly together so that he could see the white of her knuckles. “We wanted a family—you wanted a family, and now . . .”
“For Christ’s sake, Lisa, I just want you!” How did she not get that he was just happy to have her alive?
He’d wanted their son more than anything, still wanted the little boy they’d talked about so much before he was gone, but not if the cost was Lisa. Never if he couldn’t do it with her. There was nothing he wouldn’t sacrifice for his wife, to make sure he didn’t lose someone else he loved to cancer. Deep inside of him was an anger so strong it bubbled up like a volcano ready to erupt, a pain that made him want to scream and attack something, anything, lash out and pummel everything in his way. But Matt never unleashed it, refused to let it surface. He wasn’t going to smash his fist into anything, because he was way too close to losing her already, and he wasn’t about to give her an excuse to kick him to the curb.
“So when are we heading off on our road trip?” he asked, quickly changing the subject, not wanting to argue.
Lisa’s gaze was sad. “We can’t just head off. Weren’t we really just talking hypothetically?”
He put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “Yes, we can. And no, we weren’t.”
“But you’ve got a house to finish and more projects coming through. Don’t you have a bathroom renovation to start down the road? And I’ve got the shop to run, another collection to design . . .”
He reached for her hand, held it. “That’s why I have good guys working for me: so I can take time off when I need it.”
“Just because you can walk away so easily doesn’t mean I can.” Lisa shook her head. “This is just crazy. We can’t just up and leave. I can’t.”
“We can and we are,” he said. “You can get inspiration for your designs while we’re away. Baby, this is one thing you don’t get a say in. I’m taking charge.”
She blew out a big sigh and slumped forward, hands in his. “No.”
Matt wasn’t going to back down. “Yes.”
The tears shining from her eyes did exactly what they always did to him; pulled strength from a reservoir within him he hadn’t even known he had until recently. Every tear she shed made him tougher, more determined to support her and be the one to shoulder the load. It didn’t stop his pain or make him any less pissed off with the world, but it made him a stronger man for his wife.
&nbs
p; “What are we going to do with Blue?” Lisa murmured, her cheek resting against his hand as she lay slumped over the table. “We can’t just leave our baby.”
Matt chuckled, pleased that she was actually touching him, that she wasn’t pulling away like she had been over the last few months. “We’re hardly leaving him. Regular people go on vacation all the time and leave their pets somewhere nice.”
“My sister might take him.”
“Kelly?” Matt said, cringing at the thought of Lisa’s big sister having their over-active Labrador along with her two kids. “I guess.” He’d been thinking more along the lines of booking him into a kennel so the dog had no choice but to behave and wasn’t in danger of getting up to mischief or escaping.
“I can’t just abandon him.”
As if on cue, Blue came running out, wagging his chocolate brown tail, tongue lolling to the side. Matt groaned when he saw something caught in the corner of his mouth.
“Blue . . .” he growled.
The dog just sat and wagged his tail, the picture of innocence.
Lisa’s head snapped up and she stared at Matt first, then slowly at Blue. “Oh no, what’s he . . .”
Blue licked his mouth and a piece of bright red fabric dropped to the ground beside the table. The way he was staring at them, so pleased with himself, made Matt groan again.
“Blue!” Lisa screamed at the same time as she leaped up and ran.
Matt glared at the dog. “Very bad,” he muttered. “Very, very bad dog.”
Blue didn’t even have the decency to look guilty, but Matt knew it was a disaster, whatever he’d eaten. He followed his wife, stopped in the doorway of their bedroom, leaned against the jamb and watched Lisa bent over something on the ground. When she turned she was holding half of a pretty red stiletto.
“I must have forgotten to shut the closet door,” she said.
Matt could have killed the dog. “I’m sorry. They looked cute on you.” He remembered her wearing them with a red dress when she’d launched her summer collection in the store.
She sighed. “My sister might actually kill him while we’re gone.”
“Maybe.” Matt knew she would have almost killed the dog herself for eating a pair of shoes a year ago, but things like that didn’t seem to affect her quite the same way anymore. “On the plus side, you won’t need those kinds of shoes on the road.”
Lisa started laughing then and threw the shoe over her shoulder. It hit the wall. Matt crossed the room and dropped to the carpet beside her, laughing, slinging an arm around his wife. Blue poked his nose into the room at the same time, tail starting to thump against the wall in the hall when he got their attention.
“Come here,” Lisa said. “You bad dog.”
Blue came bounding in, his big body wiggling and making them both laugh all over again as he bowled straight into them, his tongue frantically trying to connect with their faces before he sat down on Lisa and did his best to squash her.
Matt patted his head while Lisa stroked him. Their crazy mutt, who was thick as a brick half the time and hadn’t seemed to notice that he wasn’t the tiny brown puppy he once was, the way he launched at them and tried to snuggle on their knees still. But he’d just warmed Lisa’s heart, got through to her in a way Matt hadn’t been able to in awhile, and that meant he owed the dog big time.
“We’re terrible parents,” Lisa said, still smiling as she lavished attention on Blue. But he saw the smile start to fade, knew he was going to lose her to her thoughts if he didn’t act fast.
“Yeah, but look how much he loves us. He thinks we’re the best.”
Matt didn’t need to be told what kind of parents they’d be, or would have been, because there was no doubt in his mind. He loved their nieces, loved the idea of a little person trailing around after him, of chilling with his kid. And Lisa . . . He steeled his jaw, watching the way she lovingly stroked Blue’s fur. Lisa would have been the world’s best mom. His wife knew how to love, and she had enough room in her heart for a whole football team of kids.
“So when do we leave?” Lisa asked, surprising him. He’d expected to have to do a hard sell to convince her.
“Tomorrow? The day after?” Matt shrugged. “Whenever you want.”
Lisa nodded and gave Blue another big hug. “The day after tomorrow it is. I’ll just have to work like crazy to get everything sorted in the shop.”
Matt leaned over and tried to kiss her, wanted that easygoing thing back between them that he’d been missing, but the dog took his chance and fell over backward trying to lean back for the affection.
“I’m not going to miss this big doofus,” he muttered, grabbing Lisa and pulling her over Blue to get her to himself.
“Take that back! He can hear you!” she protested, shoving at him as he tried to kiss her. Matt ignored her completely, pushing her down to the floor and covering her body with his as he started to kiss her, wanting to show her how much he still wanted her. It had been months since they’d been intimate, since their pregnancy ultrasound when everything had still been happy, and the distance had been weird. He kept his arms locked on each side of her, not letting their pesky dog interrupt.
He was all talk—Blue had ridden shotgun in his Chevy from the day they’d brought him home as a pup, accompanied him to building sites every day. He’d miss him like hell, but this was about him and Lisa, and he was fast realizing how close to losing her he was getting, with or without cancer. Blue would still be here waiting for them when they returned.
Matt pulled back, kissed her slowly this time, her lips soft and pillowy beneath his. “I love you, baby.”
She looped her arms around his neck, the look in her eyes giving him hope that he hadn’t lost her yet. “I love you, too.”
He hugged her tight to him, inhaled the coconut smell of her hair and tried to commit everything about her to memory.
“I know I’ve been a bit of an asshole, but I’m not used to being . . .”
“The adult?” She laughed.
“We’ve been together a long time, and it’s been easy,” he admitted. “Great, but easy. This last year was pretty rough.”
“Yeah, it was. Still is,” she told him, voice tinged with a sadness that was impossible to miss. “But I never wanted you to wrap me in cotton wool, Matt. I’ll get through this. I just need time I guess.”
“Yeah, but the local bar could have done with less of our money, and you could have done with a more doting husband.” Although doting hadn’t exactly worked: he’d felt like he was suffocating her, always saying and doing the wrong thing. Sometimes being apart after her surgery had been easier than being together. Part of him had wanted to treat her like a needy baby bird with a broken wing, but she’d always been the strong one, and another part of him had needed her to stay that way, had had no idea how to turn the tables, reverse their roles.
“I thought I was going to lose you, Lis, and it scared me. It still does. Please let’s go away and just be us again.”
Her smile was sweet, genuine. “Okay, fine. I’m convinced. I’ll let Savannah run the shop, and we’ll go away and just hit the road. You’re right, we need it.”
“Damn right we do. Let’s hit the road, baby!”
Matt wasn’t sure that she was as excited as he was, but it felt like his chance, like he might actually be able to make Lisa happy again if he just got her away from home and all the reminders of what they’d been through. He’d seen the old Lisa tonight, a spark of his Lisa, and he wanted her back. He wanted things to go back to the way they’d been, and he had no idea what to do if the road trip didn’t work.
9.
Lisa smiled when Matt slapped her on the bottom as he passed her in the kitchen. She looked up, eyes meeting his, and caught him stealing a bagel.
“Matt! Those were for on the road.”
“Lucky there’re shops all the way from here to wherever we drive,” he quipped with a grin.
She groaned, but it felt nice to joke around wi
th him. “You’re terrible,” she grumbled.
“Don’t act like you don’t love it.”
Lisa cracked another smile and it felt nice. The moments of lightness had been few and far between over the last few months, but something about today was making her feel good. Maybe it was just the fact that they were heading away, that things were going to be different for a while with new places to explore.
“I’m heading to the garage to sort a few things out,” Matt said, walking backward and kissing her cheek.
Lisa inhaled his cologne, wished she hadn’t found it so hard to feel close to him when she missed him so much. It was stupid, because they were still together all the time, but their usual spark had been missing and she hadn’t realized how badly she’d been craving it. She was pleased he hadn’t given up on her after all the times she’d turned away. In fact, she was pleased everyone hadn’t given up on her. She hadn’t exactly been seeing much of Kelly or her nieces either.
She watched him go, turning when she heard a car horn, followed by Blue scrambling madly on the timber floor and barking as he ran for the front door. Kelly had obviously arrived.
Lisa followed the dog, opening the door and watching him run toward the car. Her sister jumped straight out, and Blue was all over her.
“Hey,” Lisa called out.
“Hey back,” Kelly said. “You excited?”
More nervous than excited, but it was making her smile so she guessed she was kind of buzzed. “Yeah. I think so.”
Kelly walked closer, still fending off the dog.
“Promise me you’ll look after him,” Lisa said, dropping down and throwing her arms around Blue one last time. “I’m going to miss him so much.”
Her big sister dropped down beside her, hand on Blue’s head as she stared into her eyes. “I promise. As long as he doesn’t eat my handbag or the kids’ toys, we’ll be fine.”
Lisa grimaced. “And if he does?”