by Soraya Lane
Lisa watched him, hated how badly she’d hurt him, but taking a break from her marriage was what she needed. If Matt kept smothering her, trying to pretend like everything was okay, then she was going to explode.
She walked away, wanting to give him space to leave. And she didn’t want to be tempted to go jump in the car and head home with him at the last minute. She craved her own bed, was desperate to see her dog and throw her arms around her sister and cry, to be back in the home she loved so much and had always thought would be theirs for a lifetime. But she also wanted to find herself, to not have to think about anyone else. And this was her chance. To see if she could ever find the old her and be the girl Matt knew and loved.
Tears dripped down her cheeks, but as she disappeared into the darkness amongst the vines, she didn’t bother to wipe them away. It was okay to cry, especially if there was no one around to see her.
17.
Matt stayed statue still, waited, looked around in the dark, expecting her to come running. But she never did.
He was actually leaving his wife in Napa, the one place he’d never expected things to turn so bad, the place that he’d thought would make things right between them.
He stormed back inside to gather the last of his things. She’d told him to go, and that’s exactly what he was going to do. He was getting in the car and getting the hell out of Dodge. At least at home he could work, he had Blue . . . fuck it. Going home without Lisa was just goddamn wrong.
When he got to the car, he slammed his hand against the roof.
“Fuck!” He yelled, not caring who could hear. “Fuck!”
Matt kicked his tire, needing to hurt something, anything. He swung his bag into the back and got behind the wheel, hand shaking as he put the key in the ignition. Everything had turned to shit. It had been the worst year of his damn life, and now he was about to lose his wife. Just like he’d lost his mom years before, he was going to lose his wife; it was just a matter of time. Only this time it wasn’t cancer.
He’d never wanted to hurt like that again, never wanted to experience the raw pain of loss and grief like when his mom had died. But the roller coaster was starting; he could feel it building deep within him. Lisa had kept him on the straight and narrow, but without her, he had nothing. For ten years she’d been his rock; for ten years he’d loved her. And now he didn’t know what to do to make things right. Everything he said was wrong; everything he did just seemed to push her further away.
So he was going home. He could spend the night in Sacramento, which would mean he’d be home by morning. So much for a damn road trip. They’d only made two stops in what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime.
Matt pulled his shit together and opened the trunk, reached for the plastic bag he’d hidden away. He’d been saving it to give her, and he couldn’t see the point in taking it back home with him. He went back in, bent over one of her bags and stuffed it into the bottom. She might not want him anymore, but he’d put money on it that she’d still want to draw.
18.
Lisa dipped her toe in the water, testing the temperature. Her body felt numb. She looked back over at her white towel, thrown over the sun lounger, and thought about just wrapping herself back up in it and going back to the room. But then all she’d do was sit, and she didn’t want to think. Not yet.
She stared into the liquid blue, imagined the warmth of the water, sucked in a big breath and then pushed off, propelling herself in. The first splash made her feel good, the second her body was submerged, and then she pushed her body to keep going, surfaced just long enough to take a breath. It took only five long strokes to reach the end, and then she tumbled under the water and came back up, doing laps, not ready to stop. On and on she went, forcing herself forward, legs kicking just enough without breaking the water, arms rhythmic. Until, after six lengths, she forced herself to halt, held on tight to the edge of the pool, knuckles white.
What had she done?
Lisa gasped, caught her breath, sank down one last time, body falling as she pushed her arms up to help propel her down, to force her body to the bottom of the pool. She came up slowly, thought about staying down, thought about what it would be like to end things now instead of waiting for the slow onset of what she had coming. Her lungs screamed, wanting air, and she opened her eyes and slowly resurfaced.
She didn’t want to end her marriage. She didn’t want to be without Matt. But she couldn’t be with him right now either.
Lisa pulled herself out, heaved her body up and crossed to the lounger to retrieve her towel. She rubbed her body dry, patted down her legs, focused on breathing. Then she wrapped herself up tight and started to walk. How could it be less than one day since she’d last seen him, barely twelve hours, and yet she missed him so much already?
What had she done?
She went back to the room that she’d been sharing with her husband only a day ago, opened the door, dropped the towel and stood still. Tears started to run down her cheeks, silently escaping from the corners of her eyes. Maybe she should have left, shouldn’t have decided to stay and try to confront all her issues head first in the one place that hurt the most.
This was supposed to be better; it was supposed to be easier being alone. But it wasn’t.
What had she done?
Her body was numb. Her teeth started to chatter.
She had the best husband in the world, so why was it so hard to make things right? Why was it so hard to get past what had happened? Why couldn’t she accept what had happened?
Lisa dropped to the soft carpet, her sob silent, the scream lodged in her chest a noiseless choke. She reached for the towel she’d just dropped, clutched it, stuffed it into her mouth and bit down on the cotton. The hurt was even worse now, the pain greater than when Matt had still been there. But she didn’t want him to see her like this, had needed the time to suffer alone, to work out what had happened. To stop blaming the one person in the world who’d fought so hard for her.
What had she done?
19.
FIVE YEARS EARLIER
Matt!” Lisa hissed, giggling as she grabbed his hand and pulled him into her room. “What are you doing?”
His grin was infectious, the devilish look in his eye telling her that he wouldn’t leave even if she told him to.
“I wanted to see you,” he said, scooping his arm around her and pulling her close, blue eyes bright, sandy blonde hair messy.
“What happened to not seeing each other the night before the wedding?” she asked. “We’re supposed to be apart until the ceremony.” The last few words were mumbled because he kissed her, mouth so soft over hers, and it felt so damn nice that she decided not to bother protesting and melted into him instead. When it came to Matt, there wasn’t a lot he could do to annoy her, and there weren’t many times that he couldn’t distract her with his kisses.
“You do realize that Kelly will kill you when she finds you here,” Lisa muttered against his mouth.
“Your sister won’t find us. Come on.”
Lisa looked down at her little boxer shorts and tee, not convinced that she wanted anyone to see her in her sleepwear. “Um . . .”
“You look gorgeous,” Matt said, slapping her bottom and making her laugh as she swatted him away. “Now come on.”
“Where are we going?” she asked, scanning the gorgeous honeymoon suite until she saw her flip-flops and quickly slipped her feet in, wondering what she was going to tell her sister. Her mom and sisters were going to come back to her room to check on her, and Kelly had said she’d stay with her until late to chat.
Lisa threw her hands up in the air and grabbed a sweater, not about to freeze her butt off wherever he was taking her. She followed behind Matt, taking his hand. He peeked out her door and made her laugh, like he was kidnapping her and didn’t want to get caught. Only she guessed he kind of was, given that her family was super-traditional—her mom had given her the look when she’d suggested that they weren’t following tr
adition too much, which was why she’d agreed to separate sleeping quarters from Matt’s in the first place for the night before. A shiver ran down her spine, a delicious feeling that pooled in her belly and made her feel naughty, like the first time Matt had kissed her.
“Lisa! Get back here!” Kelly yelled out.
She burst out laughing, clutching Matt’s hand tight. “Run!” she whispered.
Lisa glanced over her shoulder, saw her younger sister, Penny, doubling over in laughter, her mother standing behind her and looking less than impressed. Maybe it was because Lisa had always been the good one, never done anything to make her parents angry, but now she was with Matt, it felt kind of good to rebel a little. He had always told her that she’d pulled him back into line, made him feel again and want to be a better kind of man, but he’d done the opposite to her, in a good way. With Matt she felt alive, felt like she was living life and not missing out on anything. And it was the kind of feeling she loved: it exhilarated her and made her love life. He believed in her, and if it hadn’t been for him, she would never have believed that someone her age could have been capable of opening a clothing store, let alone stocking it with all her own creations. She had the drive, but he believed in her, and the confidence he’d given her was impossible to describe.
“Matthew Williams, you bring my daughter back here this minute!” her mother called out.
Lisa blew her mother and oldest sister a kiss, catching a glimpse of Penny and giving her a thumbs-up. They all adored Matt, but they also knew that there was nothing they could do when it came to him. They hadn’t had any control over that since the day he and Lisa had started dating in secret.
“They’re going to kill us,” she said as they escaped outside into the darkness. Lisa was breathing hard, not used to running.
“No,” Matt said, spinning her around so she landed with a thump against his chest, dipping his mouth to hers. “They’re going to kill me. I’m the bad guy here, not their perfect girl.”
She was wondering exactly how he could be the bad guy when he ran his hands down her back, fingertips trailing across the thin fabric of her tee.
“Come with me,” he said in a husky voice.
Lisa obliged, palm against his again as they walked. The moon was bright, almost full above them as Matt led her across the large area of grass and toward the rows of vines. They stepped between them, heading down through the grapes, farther and farther away from where they were staying. But it was close to where they were getting married the next day; the wedding was scheduled to happen outside as long as the weather was Napa Valley perfect.
“Where are you taking me?” she asked.
“Somewhere to be alone, where nobody will find us.”
She was pretty sure no one was going to find them outside anyway, or bother looking in the first place, but she was happy to oblige.
They walked in silence, slowly, across the grass, the air still warm from the balmy day. They’d had their rehearsal dinner the night before, but today she’d been busy with the girls, doing spa treatments, sunbathing and chatting. After a girly day she was definitely ready for some alone time with Matt.
She stopped. There was a champagne bottle sitting in a bucket and two glasses, smack-bang on the ground in the middle of nowhere. Her jaw dropped.
“You planned this to be just like our engagement?” she asked.
He shrugged. “All I had to do was find a spot.”
Matt made out like it wasn’t a big deal, but she disagreed. “I don’t know what to say.”
He sat and dragged her down with him, pushing her gently right back until she was lying on the ground. Matt stared down at her, stroked her cheek as he pushed some stray locks from her face.
“Tomorrow is going to be crazy and it’ll probably pass by in a blur. I wanted this to be just for us,” he told her, lying down beside her. “Look up and see the stars. It’s kind of perfect out here.”
She dragged her eyes from her man and did what he asked. “It is beautiful,” she agreed.
“This is what I want to remember about our wedding,” Matt said gruffly.
“Stars?” she asked.
He pushed up on one elbow beside her. “No, us. Just me and you. Not all the bullshit fuss.”
She smiled as his palm touched her cheek, lips covering hers for a delicious second before he pulled away and reached for the champagne as she watched him. She jumped when he popped the top, taking a glass and holding it up so he could pour hers. Once they were both full, she held her glass up and tapped it to his.
“To us,” she murmured.
“To us,” Matt repeated. “Matt and Lisa forever.”
“You don’t even like champagne,” she giggled when he bent to kiss her.
“I know.”
Matt sat up in bed, sheets covering his lower half and strewn across Lisa’s naked body as she looked up at him. He thumbed absently across her skin and she smiled at his touch.
“Why did we stay up so late?” she whispered when he bent down to kiss her.
“We had a lot to talk about,” Matt replied, stroking her hair and running his fingers down her back when she turned into him. “And then we had a lot of other things to do.”
Her laugh was muffled against his chest as she tucked in tight. “We were so bad last night. It was only one night we were supposed to be apart.”
Matt kissed the top of her head and she sighed.
“I think it’s time for me to sneak out,” he said.
“Do you have to? Can’t we just snuggle a bit longer?” Lisa begged, holding him tight. “I don’t want to get up.”
Matt pulled Lisa closer and she obliged.
“Maybe we should just cancel everything we have planned and stay here all day,” he muttered.
“Uh-huh,” Lisa said with a giggle, arms around him. “We can get the celebrant to pronounce us man and wife in bed right here, tell all our guests to travel back to wherever they’ve come from because the ceremony is off.”
Matt groaned when she ran her fingernails down his back. “I was thinking they could still all go through with it, enjoy the food we’ve already paid an arm and a leg for.”
They both laughed, then froze when they heard muffled voices. They got louder. Fast.
“Shhh,” he whispered, finger to his lips, as he pulled away from Lisa and sat upright.
“What? Who is it?”
The muffled voices became louder again, followed by knocking on the door.
“Lisa? Lisa are you up yet?” Kelly called out through the door.
“Shit,” Lisa swore, looking back at him wide-eyed.
Matt jumped up and grabbed his boxers, quickly pulling them on and then fumbling for his jeans. He tugged them on as she watched, leaving the scuffed boots he’d been wearing the night before and grabbing his t-shirt as he ran for the door.
“See ya, beautiful,” he muttered, running back and kissing the top of her head. “I’ll be the guy up front waiting for the bride.”
Lisa laughed and got up, pulling the sheet with her and wrapping it around her body.
“Lisa, open up!”
When he swung open the door, the chatter stopped abruptly and Lisa cringed.
“Matt?” Penny burst out laughing.
“Matt!” Kelly growled, hitting him with a bag she’d been holding, eyes wild as she swatted at him. “Matthew Williams, you couldn’t keep your hands off my damn sister for one night?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he howled as Kelly whacked him again.
Lisa’s hand flew to her mouth and she tried not to laugh.
“And you!” Kelly turned her attention to Lisa. “You shouldn’t have let him in!”
“Go, Matty!” Penny called as he ran.
Matt turned and ran backward, and Lisa stood in the doorway watching him, still wrapped in the white bedsheet as the others moved past her. He blew her a kiss and she blew him one straight back, until Kelly grabbed hold of her arm.
“I don�
��t want to see you until the ceremony!” Kelly yelled down the hall after Matt.
Lisa laughed at her sister and pulled her in for a hug.
“Seriously?”
“Hey, if I didn’t want to sneak him into my room in the night, then I’d be marrying the wrong guy.”
20.
PRESENT DAY
Matt sat alone, his elbows pressed hard into the wooden counter at the dive bar. He was drunk. His lids were heavy, his movements were slow, and he was finding it hard to stay sitting on the barstool.
“Another,” he slurred.
The bartender leaned closer, smiling as he poured him a water. “No more for a bit. I think you’ve had enough.”
Matt opened his mouth to argue, then shut it. “Fuck, sorry.” He lowered his head, pressed his cheek to the cool wood.
“You don’t seem like my kind of regular,” the bartender said, nudging the water closer to him. “But I don’t care if I know you or not, I think you should sober up a little.”
“My wife’s left me,” Matt said, raising his head just enough to sip some water, his head starting to thump. “She hates me and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.”
“Damn,” the bartender muttered.
Matt watched as the bartender poured a shot of whiskey into two glasses, sliding one his way.
“I’ll let you have one more.” The bartender raised his glass. “To your marriage.”
Matt held up his own glass, staring at the golden liquid before downing it in one gulp. He’d drunk enough that it wasn’t even burning anymore, just giving him a nice warm feeling that he’d like to hold on to for a bit longer.
“This is her,” he said, pulling his wallet from his back pocket and opening it, showing a photo of Lisa on the day he’d proposed to her. She was grinning, her hair all windswept, eyes big and blue.
“You must be the last guy around carrying an actual picture of his girl in his wallet.”