by Soraya Lane
What would it have done to her son if he’d lived, growing up knowing that his mother had sacrificed herself for him? What if he’d known her just long enough to remember her? Or not long enough at all? What if Matt had become so lost in his own grief that he hadn’t been able to care for him?
She’d been so angry at Matt for unwaveringly telling her that she mattered more, that her life was more important. But she was starting to realize how unfair she’d been, that she’d blamed him because blaming him had been easy.
Lisa ran faster, not wanting to think, just wanting to be free. She knew her sister wasn’t going to be able to stay hidden away with her forever, but it was nice to have her while she could. And then it was back to the real world, trying to figure out how the hell to deal with the hot mess that was her life.
The only good thing that had come out of being alone was her designs. They were fun and bright and vibrant; the complete antithesis of how she felt. When she woke in the morning or couldn’t sleep at night, she sketched. Designing what was in her heart. It wasn’t Matt, but it was a part of her life that had always calmed her and fulfilled her, a part of her soul, and it was starting to feel like therapy, showing her that there was something in her life that made her whole, that gave her purpose. And for that, at least, she was grateful.
22.
FIVE YEARS EARLIER
Lisa ran her hands down the fabric of her dress, trying to stop her breath coming in uneven short pants.
“Sweetie, calm down. You’re going to be fine.”
She shook her head, grabbing hold of her sister’s hand. It was just she and Kelly standing in front of the vanity, staring into the mirror, side by side. Her big sister might be bossy, but she was one hell of a support crew when Lisa needed her, and Kelly was the only one who loved Matt as much as she did.
“It’s just Matt. It’s just the two of you.”
Lisa blew out a long, shaky breath, squaring her shoulders and staring back at her reflection. Her hair was out, full and slightly wavy after an hour sitting with rollers in, tiny crystals like a crown on her head as they sat loosely where she’d placed them.
“It’s just all those people watching, and what if he doesn’t show? What if he changes his mind or something?” Her fears were stupid—logically she knew that—but it wasn’t the rational part of her brain screaming at her right now.
“Lisa,” Kelly said, her arm draped around her now. “First of all, there are only a handful of people here, and we all love you and want to be here to support you. And second, we are both talking about the same groom, right? Because the Matt I know couldn’t keep his hands off of you for one night! He adores you!”
Lisa nodded, knew her sister was right, but for some reason her hands wouldn’t stop shaking and she was starting to feel woozy. “I just . . .” her breathing became short and sharp again.
“Come on, let’s go,” Kelly ordered. “You need to get out there and see your man.”
“But aren’t we supposed to wait a bit? It’s not even time yet, and . . .”
Kelly took both of her hands, forced her to turn as she stared into her eyes. “Matt will be there already, so let’s just go. So what if not everyone is seated and ready?”
Lisa looked down at her dress, gulped at the thought of what she was about to do. She’d spent hours, weeks, months working on her dress, sewing all the intricate beads and crystals. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of in a perfect dress, something she’d starting sketching the day after Matt had asked her, on his knee under the scorching sun, laughing as he asked her so that she thought he was kidding at first, heady from the bottle of champagne they’d shared lying on the grass between the vines. It fitted her like a glove, the zip at the back hidden to make the fabric look seamless, a pretty puddle of a train showing off the exquisite lace. She twirled slowly in front of the mirror, deciding to focus on her design rather than herself.
“You’re Matt and Lisa,” Kelly said with a laugh. “Everyone is rooting for you because you guys are the couple everyone else wants to be. There is absolutely no reason for you to be worrying right now!”
“Let’s go.” She managed to force out the words, held her chin high as Kelly smiled at her.
“You’ll have to give me one minute to get into my dress first,” her sister said dryly.
Lisa burst out laughing when she took a step back, only just realizing that her sister was still in the cute pink pajamas they’d all been wearing while their hair and make-up was done. It was also why they’d come into the bathroom in the first place—so they could both get dressed.
“I’ll help you,” Lisa said, in designer mode now and feeling a lot more settled. She’d made the dresses for both her sisters, although it was her younger sister who was going to be standing by her side. Matt had Kelly beside him. They’d decided from the start that they wanted their day to be about family and their closest friends, so it had seemed pointless to have bridesmaids and groomsmen for such an intimate ceremony. But Matt had always been so close to Kelly that they’d decided to have both her sisters supporting them, and Matt’s dad was going to walk up the aisle on the other side of her, too. Both their dads were so important to them, and Lisa had liked the idea of both being involved.
Kelly stripped down and Lisa took the dress off the hanger, pulling it down from the door where it had been waiting. The fabric was the softest shade of lilac, a silky satin that complemented her sister’s blonde hair and golden skin. Kelly stepped into it and Lisa carefully zipped her in.
“You look gorgeous,” she told her.
“Lucky I was able to zip my baby bump in!” Kelly said with a laugh. “Now come on, let’s go find your man.”
Lisa opened the bathroom door, feeling less panicky than she had been but with a ball of nerves still battering her stomach and making her feel sick.
“Oh, sweetheart, look at you!” Her mother stopped what she was doing and came rushing over. Which only made Lisa start to panic all over again.
“Mom, I need to . . .” She had no idea what was wrong with her, why she was struggling so much when she was usually so chilled out. Or maybe she just wasn’t used to being the center of attention.
“We’re going. Now,” Kelly told everyone.
Kelly didn’t use her bossy voice all that often, but when she did everyone tended to listen. Lisa kept hold of her big sister’s hand, feeling bad about running out on her the night before when she needed her so badly now.
She gathered up her single white, long-stemmed rose from where it was resting on the bed and kept walking, pleased she already had her shoes on so all she had to do was focus on putting one foot in front of the other. They walked out into the passageway, then into the bright Napa Valley sunshine. She’d almost forgotten about the photographer who’d been taking snaps while they got ready, and he was now running in front of them to take pictures of them walking to where the ceremony was taking place.
“Lisa?”
She stopped dead the moment she heard Matt’s voice. All her fears, all the worries that were pooling in her stomach, everything just faded away the second he spoke. She turned and saw him standing there, tie hanging around his neck not yet knotted, but with a grin on his face that melted her heart.
“Matt!” Kelly gasped. “I thought you’d be down there already. We . . . I’m sorry Lisa, I shouldn’t have hurried you.”
“It’s fine,” she said, not sure whether she’d just thought the words or actually said them.
Matt came closer and stopped in front of her. Her breathing became more even, a smile curving her lips before she even realized what she was doing. Her fingers found their way to his tie, worked the fabric until it was tied perfectly and resting against the collar of his shirt. It wasn’t until then that she looked up at him and realized he was silent, that he was staring at her like he was seeing her for the first time. Lisa didn’t know if the others had stopped talking or if she just couldn’t hear them, but when Matt slipped his hand into her
s, it felt so right.
“You look . . .” he started, whispering in her ear as his lips brushed her cheek, “so beautiful.”
Lisa felt weightless, everything washing away except her man standing in front of her.
“Shall we go and get married?” she whispered back.
Matt grinned and pulled her close, in her favorite spot, tucked under his arm, his body tight to hers as they walked. Even Kelly didn’t bother telling them off, just let them do their own thing. Maybe it had been real nerves that had been stressing her out, or worry that Matt didn’t feel the same, or maybe that she was going to do something stupid as she walked past everyone, but Matt had her now, and that was all she needed.
Time passed so fast . . . The people sitting alongside the vines on their beautiful white covered chairs tied with big white satin bows were just a blur as she let go of Matt’s hand and let him walk to the front. She took her dad’s arm on one side, his dad’s on the other as the soft music started, and made her way toward Matt again.
And then she was there, Matt pulling her close, holding her before placing a soft, gentle kiss on her lips.
“We’re supposed to wait,” she murmured, loving that he didn’t give a damn what anybody else thought.
“I know,” he said back.
When they parted, the celebrant started, but Lisa hardly heard the words, was too busy staring into Matt’s eyes, staying calm because of the open, easy way he watched her. Then it was her turn to say something, and she repeated the words, her vows, which they’d rehearsed only days earlier. The vows were traditional, simple; she wasn’t the kind to bare her soul to the world, and neither was Matt.
Or at least she’d thought he wasn’t.
“Lisa, from the day I met you, I knew I had to do everything in my power never to lose you. So,” he cleared his throat, his back turned slightly to the small crowd gathered as he stared into her eyes.
Lisa felt the tears prickling, pooling, and the moment he paused, one slipped. Then another. Tear after tear started to slide down her cheek as her hands trembled against Matt’s.
“So yeah, I want to be your husband,” he continued. “I will care for you and love you and hold you, in sickness and in health, as long as I have you by my side. I promise I will love you, a hundred times over, if you’ll have me.”
“Yes,” she whispered, as he stepped in, his big body blocking everyone and everything from her as he gently wiped her cheeks, his thumb gliding so carefully across her skin, head dipped to look into her eyes.
“Well, ah, there was a little bit missing from those vows, but I’ll take that as both of you consenting to be man and wife,” the celebrant said with a chuckle.
A murmur of laughter echoed out, but Lisa ignored it. Just stared up at Matt.
“So we’re husband and wife?” he asked.
“Yes. You may kiss the bride.”
Lisa gasped a little breath, paused, waited as Matt’s mouth slowly moved toward hers. His kiss was as gentle as his caress had been, lips so soft as they moved back and forth across hers. And then he scooped her up, her rose long forgotten on the ground as he twirled her around and around, lips still pressed to hers.
The crowd clapped and cheered as Lisa hung on tight to Matt, arms clasped around his neck. She was dizzy, drunk on love, happier than she’d ever felt as the sun beat down on them and she kissed her husband, the man she’d just pledged to spend the rest of her life with. When he finally stopped, she held him tight, didn’t let go, kept him tight against her.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too, baby,” he murmured straight back.
Everything she’d worried about was long gone, and when she finally pulled away, her sisters were surrounding them, her mom and their dads. The only thing that was wrong with their picture was the fact that Matt’s mom wasn’t there to celebrate with them.
As arms reached for her, hugs that she was happy to return, she tipped her head back and looked up at the blemish-free sky, hoping that the woman who’d raised such a beautiful son was looking down on them. Because if there was one thing she would wish for if she had the chance, it would be to hold that woman tight and tell her how much she loved the man she’d just married and that nothing in this world could make her stop loving him. Never. Not a thing.
23.
PRESENT DAY
Matt gulped away a shudder that was making its way up his throat, blinked back tears. He never broke down around Lisa, and he’d sure as hell never cried to his dad, but it was getting damn hard to hold it all back these days. But his father had been there, experienced the same kind of darkness, only he’d had a son full of even more darkness to deal with at the same time, had had so much more to hold together. And his dad hadn’t had a choice, had lost his wife, whereas Matt’s had been saved.
He sat outside his house, one hand on Blue’s head as he clutched the phone. He dialed his dad, hanging his head for a bit as it started to ring, clearing his throat when his father’s husky voice came on the line.
“Matt?”
“Hey, Dad,” Matt said, coughing to try to pull himself together, not wanting his father to hear the crack in his voice, not again.
“Son, it’s after midnight. What’s going on? Is Lisa okay?”
Matt could imagine his dad sitting up in bed, bleary-eyed, with the bedside lamp on, phone pressed to his ear. He shouldn’t have woken him, but he had no one else to talk to. There was no way he was going to call one of his guy friends and break down, talk to them about something they couldn’t understand, and he’d already leaned on Kelly so much. Besides, the last thing she needed to worry about on top of her kids and their dog was that her sister’s husband couldn’t hold it together.
“Hey, son. Where are you?”
Matt waited a beat, swallowed as he stared out through the outdoor lights at the pretty yard that had taken him and Lisa so long to landscape on their own.
“I’m home. Alone.”
His dad didn’t say anything.
“Lisa and I are taking some time out.”
“I see. You okay about that?”
Matt nodded even though his dad couldn’t see him, got a handle on his emotions. He wasn’t okay, but that wasn’t why he was calling. He was calling to tell his dad what he’d wanted to say for so long but had just never found the words for. Just like he’d waited so long to tell his dad that he loved him, words that should be so simple but just weren’t.
“Every day, every single day, Dad, I think about you, about what I put you through. You never even got the chance to just grieve for Mom because I was such a shit, and I want to say that I’m sorry. I should have said it a long time ago, but this is me saying it now. I’m sorry, so goddamn sorry.”
Matt hated thinking back to the day his mom had died, seeing her body, chest no longer rising and falling, making him want to be sick. His beautiful mom who’d have done anything for him, who was always waiting for him after school, who was at every football game cheering him on, who never once complained and always smiled. The day she’d gone, a light had gone out in him, too. A switch had been flicked and he’d turned into the asshole kind of teenager who’d have horrified his mom, the kind of son he’d never have been if she’d been there to see it. He’d given his dad hell, and it wasn’t until he’d fallen for Lisa that all of that had changed, because he’d known she wouldn’t look twice at the kind of kid he was then. He’d pulled his shit together for her, and even though the guys had all made fun of him for how he’d changed for a girl, he’d known it was his chance. That if he blew it with Lisa he might never find anything worth changing for again, worth stepping up for. But he’d never opened up to her about it, never admitted his pain, deciding to bury it instead. Along with all the apologies he owed his dad.
“The past is the past. You don’t need to say sorry for anything,” his dad said. “You’re a good son—is that what you need me to say? Because you are, and you’ve more than made up for it over the years.�
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“I just need you to listen to me, to hear me say how sorry I am. It’s the only thing that’ll stop me feeling like the worst son in the world.” Matt felt like he’d aged twenty years, like what had happened between him and Lisa had made him grow the hell up real fast.
“Tell me about Lisa. What happened?”
“I don’t know if I can keep going,” Matt confessed, swallowing hard over and over, trying to get rid of the lump of emotion stuck there wanting to choke him. “I don’t know if she wants us to keep going.”
“You can and you will,” his dad said firmly. “Now you tell me what’s happened, get it off your chest, then pull it together and go back to your wife.”
“She wanted time out, on her own,” Matt told him, finding it hard to believe that he was telling his dad this. “I’m not going back to her because she doesn’t want me to.”
“Okay. Well, that could be a good thing, couldn’t it?”
His dad had always been patient, but they’d never exactly had heart-to-hearts. They’d played ball, watched games on TV, chatted over beers as he’d gotten older, worked in the garden and on the house. But he’d never had to open up to him before, and it wasn’t easy. The only person who had ever truly seen the raw him was Lisa, and before that his mom when he was a teenager.
“It’s just . . .” He laughed, despite the pain he was feeling inside. “Shit’s getting real, Dad. There’s no other way to put it. I just can’t believe that Lisa doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“You’ll get through this.”
“I thought I was going to lose her to cancer. We got through that, but . . .” Matt coughed, pushing the emotion down. “I think I’ve lost her anyway.”
“Matt, when I lost your mom, I was all cried out. I was terrified of losing her, but when she finally passed, it was a relief to not see her suffering anymore.”