by Soraya Lane
Matt was her rock. He was goofy and childish and always running late, but he’d also protect her against anything, give his own life for her. And he’d made the hardest decision he’d probably ever had to make in choosing her over their baby. But that was her husband, ready to protect her whatever the cost. And she wished she’d been able to see how tough that must have been for him instead of pushing him away.
Lisa wanted to swim, to indulge in a few laps in the water before deciding what to do. She glanced into the bathroom and saw her wet bikini hanging, and decided to find another. She was sure she’d packed two, but then she hadn’t seen her pink one at all.
She unzipped one of her bags, the one full of brightly colored things she’d originally packed for Mexico, rummaging around through the clothes. She saw a flash of pink, went to pull it out, but her hand connected with something hard.
What the hell? She pulled more clothes out and saw a book, one she didn’t recognize. Lisa took it out, surprised that a large book had been hidden in her bag and she hadn’t even realized. She ran her hand over the gold cover, the softest shade, which was interwoven with elegant swirls. It was beautiful. Then she opened it, hand flying to her mouth as she recognized a collection of her favorite fabrics from the last few summer seasons making a collage over the first few pages.
She looked at each piece, still in love with all the beautiful colors and textures she’d used.
And then she turned to the next page and saw writing she’d recognize anywhere—strong capital letters written in bold black pen.
A beautiful girl deserves a beautiful book for her designs. Love, Matt.
Lisa read the words over and over, stared at his name, felt a pang for him in her heart that almost stole her breath away. Matt had done this for her. Sometime before they’d left, he’d had this made for her and packed it without her knowing.
Lisa held the book to her chest, clutched it tight and took a big, deep breath. She needed Matt, wanted him with her. And that meant she needed to take a huge leap forward and tell him that. That she was sorry. That she’d needed the time without him to understand how much she missed him. That she forgave him for making a choice he should never have had to make and that she should never have blamed him for it in the first place.
She shut her eyes for a few minutes, focused on breathing deep and filling her belly with each breath like she’d read she was supposed to do, but the only thing she could think about was her phone. She got up, rummaged around in her handbag until she found it, and turned it on. It was usually never off, but since she’d said goodbye to Matt, she’d had it permanently switched off. Eventually it came to life and she tapped on her mail icon, quickly scrolling through her emails, deleting all the junk, all the things she didn’t have the time or interest to read. And then she was left with five emails from her husband, his name alone enough to make her stomach twist in pain; pain from being parted for the first time in ten years from the man she loved so bad. The man she’d never, ever stop loving no matter what.
Maybe she just needed to be honest with Matt and make him be honest with her, get it all out before starting over, make sure they were past all this before they tried to patch their marriage back together. If he’d still have her that was.
26.
Lisa,
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think I’ve ever written you a letter or even an email, because you were always there with me and if you weren’t, I just called you. Baby, I miss you so bad. Ten years and we hardly spent a full night apart, and now you’ve been gone two weeks and I’m going crazy. I want you home. Blue misses you; he’s whining every night, waiting for you to walk through the door.
You’re my wife, Lisa, and I know things have always been easy for us, but I don’t care if it’s not easy, if we have to fight for it to work. I love you, and I wish I knew what to say to make you believe that I would do anything for you. Anything.
Matt
27.
Lisa,
I don’t know if you’re even checking your emails, but you won’t answer your phone and I’m going crazy here. I wish I’d told you so many things. I wish I’d been honest with you about . . . I don’t know how to say it. I’m even worse at writing emails than I am at talking about how I feel.
Tell me where the hell you are so I can come and get you. Blue says he’ll never eat another pair of your shoes ever again if you come back to us. And I’ll promise anything if you just come home.
Matt
28.
Lisa,
So I’m guessing you’re either not checking these or you’ve decided to punish me and not reply. It’s been over two weeks, Lis, and it’s killing me. I’m about to go crazy. If you won’t come home for me, do it for Blue. Do you know that poor dog is standing by the damn door every night waiting to hear the jangle of your keys? He’s miserable, and so am I. Where are you?
I’m so damn angry but I don’t want to say that because I want to tell you myself. Right after I kiss the hell out of you and tell you never to leave me again. We can get through this, can’t we?
Matt
29.
Lisa,
There’s something I should have told you a long time ago. I’ve been sitting here, wishing you were here, then I figured it out. You don’t want to come home to what we had these last few months, and I get that. I don’t want that marriage either. I want us to be happy and not feel like we’re walking on goddamn eggshells all the time. I don’t want to see you crying and not know what to do, or see you happier at work than with me. So I get it.
I just want you to know that losing my mom broke something inside of me. Then you came along and I buried all that shit in my past because it was easier than dealing with it. Until you got sick and cancer took over everything again.
I saw my mom die, Lisa. I touched her body when it was cold instead of warm. I promised on the day of her funeral that I was never going to hurt like that again and that I’d damn well never let that happen to someone I loved. I blamed my dad for so much, for so many things, just because it was easy to make it his fault. And then you got sick and we lost our baby and I realized there was not a damn thing I could do to help you.
I don’t want an adopted baby either. I don’t want anything other than you and our baby we lost. I cry, just not when you can see. When you’re around I turn into a meathead, coming up with a whole lot of ways to fix the problem. But we can’t fix it. We can fix us, but that part of us that lost a baby? It’s okay if that’s always a shitty part of our past that hurts. You’re the love of my life, Lisa, and I wish I’d told you all that before now. I love you and I just want a chance to prove it.
Matt
30.
Tears started to drip slowly, silently down Lisa’s cheeks. She chewed on her lower lip, biting so hard that she tasted blood. Her eyes scanned fast through Matt’s words, then more slowly the second time she read them through. Why hadn’t he told her more about his mom and what that had been like? Why hadn’t she asked? Why had she thought she needed to be apart from him instead of being brave enough to let him close, instead of pushing him away?
She wiped her cheeks with her fingers, her eyes with the back of her knuckles, before pushing her phone into her pocket and standing, needing to escape from the airless room, suddenly desperate for fresh air, desperate to get outside. She knew why; deep down she knew why. Because she blamed herself. She blamed herself for getting cancer, for ruining their dreams of having a family, for pushing Matt away when he’d tried so hard in his own way. And she’d blamed him for the decision her surgeons had made when she was under the knife, just like she’d blamed him for choosing her over their baby. Only Matt didn’t deserve to shoulder any of the blame.
The guilt that she’d broken their marriage into shards when it had been so strong hit her hard. She’d been trying so hard to put distance between them when what she should have done was hold her Matt close, cherish what they still had, the bits they hadn’t lost.
And now her marriage was in tatters.
She wanted Matt. Needed her husband. He’d started to tell her all this days and days ago, opening up to her like he never had before, and instead of responding and being a decent wife, she’d shut herself off from the world, pretended like she was okay alone. Pretended like she knew what she wanted and needed, when she hadn’t at all. The guilt she felt was hers alone, and instead of just punishing herself, she’d punished Matt, too.
You’re not an island, sweetheart. It’s not like you to be shut off like this, and it’s not good for anyone.
Her sister’s words echoed through her head, words she’d said before leaving to go back to Redding, back to her family, and before telling her that she needed to talk to Matt. Or if she wasn’t up to talking to him, an email, a text . . . anything. She might have been through hell lately, but it was no excuse to push Matt away.
Lisa kept walking until she was outside, surrounded by green fields, vines and a bright blue sky above. She sucked in air like she’d been deprived for hours, months. Then she slumped down, stared at the blank screen of her phone in her hand. Slowly, hand shaking, she swiped across and forced herself to touch on Matt’s last email. She stared at his name, wondered how the hell she’d managed to go weeks without him when before she’d never left him even for two days.
They were Matt and Lisa. They were a team. They were the couple everyone had wanted to be. And she’d lost sight of how lucky she was to be alive, to be in remission from cancer, which meant she needed to fight. Fight for her marriage. Fight for Matt. Fight for her future.
She’d never been a quitter, and she wasn’t about to be one now.
Matt & Lisa forever. That’s what they’d carved into the big oak tree at her parents’ house when they were first together, and it’s what she’d whispered to him the night after they were married. She’d kicked cancer’s butt, she’d survived, and now she needed to kick butt with her marriage. Just because she’d lost one thing that was so important to her didn’t mean she deserved to lose another.
31.
Lisa,
I won’t give up on us, not now and not ever. You know what I want? To start over on another road trip in our bright red Cadillac. That and kiss my wife and tell her how damn much I love her.
Baby, come home.
Matt
32.
Matt?” Lisa’s voice, so strong in her head, so steady when she’d been imagining this call, was so shaky, so weak, that it was barely audible.
“Lisa?”
She burst into tears the moment she heard him, the second he said her name. Relief engulfed her, the grief she’d felt at being parted from him washing over her in waves.
“Lisa? Lisa!”
She sucked back her sobs, tried to force away the choke in her throat. “This is me telling my husband I love him,” she whispered. “And thanking him for the beautiful new book.”
“Damn, Lis, do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? How worried I’ve been?” he muttered.
Lisa clutched the phone tighter, fought a fresh surge of tears as she imagined Matt standing on a building site somewhere, tool belt slung around his waist. Being without him had been a pain so raw, so real, but she’d been so sure she was doing the right thing, that she’d needed to give them both space. And maybe she had been right. Maybe if they hadn’t been apart they never would have found their way back.
“Can you meet me in Mexico?” she asked him.
“Mexico?” Mat practically yelled down the phone. “Just come home.”
She shook her head even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “I want some time together, just the two of us. Just tell me you’ll meet me there.”
“I’m there,” he said, yelling at someone to be quiet in the background. “Sorry. Where exactly do you want me?”
“I need you to get on the next flight out to Cancun,” Lisa said, the longing she felt just thinking about seeing him again making her squeeze her hand into a tight fist, nails biting into her palm. “I’ll be waiting at the Live Aqua resort. I’ve made the booking.” She sobbed again, furious with herself that she just couldn’t keep her crap together. “Just be there.”
“Lisa?”
“I love you, Matty. I miss you so bad.”
“I miss you too, baby. I miss you so . . .” Matt choked. A big sob echoed down the line, then a noise that sounded like him clearing his throat. Matt never broke down like that, had always been so frustratingly strong sometimes, and she sure as heck couldn’t imagine him crying on a building site. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Lisa held the phone so tight to her ear that it hurt, waited until he clicked off and the dial tone was the only noise she could hear.
She’d done it. She’d told him she loved him, and he was coming to meet her.
In less than twenty-four hours they’d be together. Now all she had to hope for was that they’d be able to find their way past everything and start over, for good this time.
33.
Matt?” Lisa had been sitting in the lobby of the resort for at least an hour. She’d checked in, paced around the pool for a while, then decided to sit with a glass of cold water and face the entrance, wanting to see Matt the moment he walked in.
“Lisa,” he called back.
“Matt!” Ohmygod, it was him. She jumped up and ran, not sure whether to wait for him to react first or whether to just throw her arms around him.
“Hey, baby,” he said when his eyes met hers.
Lisa couldn’t contain herself. She opened her arms and crashed into him, desperate to feel his body against hers, to inhale the smell of him, feel him, just be with him. They’d never been truly apart, and after weeks without him, she was ready to grab him and never let go. Maybe they should have spent more time apart instead of being joined at the hip. Maybe then she’d have known what she stood to lose.
“Hey.” He smiled, looking down at her. “You’re the best thing I’ve seen in weeks.”
Lisa suddenly felt shy, more self-conscious that she’d ever been with Matt. And then Matt grinned and she melted. He was gorgeous. Just the most incredible man, and she didn’t even know where to start on her long list of apologies. His smiles and easygoing way had been so frustrating when she’d been in so much pain, but it was just his way of coping, of getting on with life. She could see that now.
“Matt, I’m so sorry. There are so many things I need to tell you, too . . .” She didn’t even know where to start. “I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
“You don’t have to explain.”
She shook her head, leaning back to look up at him. “But I do.”
“I know why you did it, Lisa. You lost a baby, you had cancer, you went through so much and you just needed to check out and be alone for a bit, without me making things worse when you needed to figure it all out on your own.” His eyes were shining, tears visible even though none had fallen from his lashes yet. “I should have given you more space.”
“But I am sorry. I’m sorry for not being me all that time, for pushing you away.”
“I think the time apart was good. Made us realize what we could come back from,” Matt said softly, rubbing his thumb across her jawline. “It sure as hell made me realize I can’t live without my girl.”
She still loved when he called her his girl. She’d loved it when she was eighteen and she loved it now.
“I keep thinking back to when we first met,” she said in a low voice, still with her arms around him but leaning back now so she could look at him. “You made me so aware, so in love. I felt so different around you, and being without you showed me why I can’t live without you.”
“Baby, it was you who made me aware. I could have ended up dead with my car wrapped around a lamp post,” he said, shaking his head. “Drunk, stoned, dead . . . It wasn’t looking good for me.”
She disagreed. “You were friends with Kelly. She was sensible enough; she wouldn’t have let that happen. You weren’t that c
lose to going off the rails.” There were so many things she wanted to ask him, wanted to say, but this was what she needed him to know now.
“Still, she wasn’t exactly going to tell me to stop drinking or smoking weed. Although she did kick my butt when I drove drunk one night, told me she’d phone the cops next time I even thought about doing it.”
“We changed each other,” she said wistfully, thinking back to happier times, before being a mom had even crossed her mind, before cancer was even on her radar. “And I don’t want that to stop.”
She had a lot to explain and a lot more to tell him, but he was here. And right now that was all that mattered. That and the fact that she finally had the time to make things right, to be with her husband and enjoy every day she had with him. She might feel like she wasn’t the whole woman she’d been before, but she was here and alive and in the end she’d fought damn hard to get to where she was. She deserved to be alive, to be having a second chance with her husband.
“Lisa?” Matt said.
“I’m here,” she replied, grabbing his hand as he held it out, knowing that he’d thought she was slipping back into sad memories.
“I love you,” he mumbled.
“I love you, too,” she said as she walked alongside Matt. It had been too long since she’d held his hand and told him those three little words, but damn, everything about it felt right now.
“Come on, let’s get rid of my bag and then you can take me down to the beach or to the restaurant so we can talk properly.”
Lisa grinned up at him.
“What?” he asked.