Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “I suppose you know that Yost will be by to talk with you—once you start instruction class,” Susan said.

  “Has he told your dad this?” Teresa asked.

  “No, it’s just my educated guess,” Susan said. “The two of you will have to make some kind of plans.”

  “There’s not a whole lot of plans to make,” Teresa said, laying baby Samuel on the bed. “We get to our feet after I’m baptized, join our hands, and say ‘I do.’”

  “Mostly you say yah to the bishop’s questions,” Susan said. “And then you’re married.”

  Mamm’s voice interrupted them, calling up the stairs, “Are you helping with supper, Susan? Daett will be in soon.”

  “I’m coming,” Susan hollered toward the bedroom door.

  “I’m coming with you,” Teresa said, picking up Samuel. She followed Susan out the door. At the bottom of the stairs in the living room, Teresa placed Samuel in the crib by the stove before joining Susan in the kitchen.

  “Teresa, you don’t have to help tonight,” Mamm said. “You worked hard enough around here today already.”

  “That’s what Susan told me,” Teresa admitted. “But I want to help.”

  “Well, we’ll try not to work you to death,” Mamm said, laughing. “And if you need more encouragement, I think you’re doing really well with your German studies. Your accent is getting gut. Soon no one will tell you from a real Amish woman.”

  “I tried a few words out a while ago.” Teresa beamed. “And I think Susan almost thought I was Amish!”

  “She’s already picking up conversations among the girls,” Susan said. “Maybe I ought to tell everyone to be careful.”

  “I’d let them find out on their own,” Mamm said. “It will teach them to be careful about what they say. Which is a gut lesson for all of us.”

  “I’ve definitely decided to join the instruction class,” Teresa said. “Is that still okay with you and Menno?”

  “We have no objections,” Mamm said. “But are you sure about the marriage with Yost Byler? I hope you understand enough about our ways to know that the ministers are serious about the agreement.”

  “I understand,” Teresa acknowledged, busying herself with setting the table.

  “I still think it’s wrong,” Susan muttered.

  “It doesn’t matter what we think,” Mamm said. “Are you planning to join the class, Susan?”

  “I don’t think so, Mamm,” Susan said. “I don’t think I can yet.”

  “I wish you would consider it,” Mamm said. “This would be a gut time to do it, with Teresa going. And I heard that Thomas is also joining. It would make both of our old days so much easier to see you settled in the faith, Susan.”

  “I’m sorry,” Susan whispered. “But I just can’t.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The singing had started and James sat on the hard bench watching as the boys who were leaving for instruction class rose from their seats and followed the line of ministers upstairs. After a respectful pause the first girl got to her feet, moving with quick steps. Another girl stood to follow, and another, until four of them formed a line behind the boys.

  James’s head jerked sideways as the Englisha girl rose from the women’s section, pushing through the aisle of women and babies. When she arrived at the bottom of the stairs the last girl was already halfway up. Teresa’s cheeks were bright red, her eyes on the floor. So the Englisha girl was going to instruction class? How about that? That could only mean she really was willing to marry Yost Byler.

  Teresa looked young as she dashed up the stairs after the others. James watched in horror. She obviously didn’t know Amish tradition where no boy, let alone a girl ran up the stairs to attend instruction classes. A low gasp rippled through the women’s section, as Teresa caught her shoe on the edge of the steps and ended up on her knees. Susan rose to her feet, sitting down again when Teresa continued on as if nothing had happened.

  James shook his head. She had looked so helpless for a moment, her dress splayed across the steps, her hands white on the handrail. But she wasn’t helpless, was she? How could she be helpless and have a baby without a husband? Girls didn’t get in such situations without knowing what they were doing. And how could she be helpless and travel all the way from the Englisha world to the Amish community? No one did that without courage or perhaps a great dose of stubbornness. But Teresa didn’t look stubborn.

  The song leader bellowed out the first syllable of the next line, and James looked down at the little black songbook he was holding. The boy seated next to him held on to his side of the page. Taking a deep breath, James joined in with the others.

  His thoughts kept racing though. Why had Teresa looked so frightened at the Sunday night hymn singing when Yost had been looking at her? Hadn’t she agreed to marry him? Yost was here this morning, seated in the men’s section even though he was not married. That’s how old the man was.

  This was a puzzling situation, and it wasn’t that Teresa wasn’t gut-looking. She was quite striking, especially this morning with her cheeks flushed from the embarrassment of lagging behind the others. Why was Teresa doing this?

  At this moment she was upstairs sitting on hard-backed chairs listening to the ministers reading the first two of their eighteen articles of faith. That would leave nine lessons to go and five months, followed by baptism and then marriage to Yost. That was if she went through with the plans, which from the way she bounced up from that spill on the stairs it was obvious she would.

  So why did that bother him? That was the real question. James concentrated on the page in front of him. He really shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, especially about an Englisha girl. Why was he even admitting that Teresa was gut-looking? Had he no sense in his head at all? Didn’t temptations come in the world’s gut-looking packages? The preachers never grew tired warning of that danger.

  Glancing up, his eye caught Eunice seated in the girls’ section. She was looking at him, and smiled when she caught his eye, the contact lingering for a long moment. Now there was also a gut-looking girl and available to him. She’d take up his offer to drive her home in a heartbeat. Perhaps he should, he thought, letting a hint of a smile creep onto his face. Eunice brightened considerably before looking back down at her own songbook.

  James kept looking at Eunice’s face. There was no hint of blushing. Eunice was a confident girl. That she would consider him an option ought to be a compliment. It would be nice, wouldn’t it, to have a girl like that? A girl who knew what she wanted, and who would go along for the ride. They could grow old together, never trying to get anywhere, just living a simple life.

  Allowing the thought to linger, James glanced away from Eunice. His life could be like that, if he wanted it to be. Why then was he thinking about the Englisha girl?

  In front of him in the women’s section, Susan’s Mamm got to her feet carrying Teresa’s baby toward the bedroom. He was wrapped in a blue blanket; his little face turned upwards, one hand waving around as if he was trying to reach something on the ceiling.

  After what seemed like a long time, but was only several songs later, the first of the returning boys appeared on the stairwell. Thomas watched as the line of identical black suits came down the stairs, followed by the girls in their plain dark dresses. Teresa brought up the rear, her face tense, almost pale, each foot seeking for the step before she took it. The others had left her several steps behind by the time they reached the bottom of the landing.

  James watched her face as Teresa moved down the aisle in the women’s seating, finding her empty place on the bench. Another song was given out, and she kept her eyes on the page, her lips moving. Did the girl already know how to sing German? That could hardly be possible, but she was clearly trying.

  The bedroom door opened and Susan’s Mamm came out, carrying the baby. Approaching Teresa, the baby must have caught sight of her, turning its head in her direction. A light seemed to come on in Teresa’s face, moving outward from he
r eyes until she beamed. She reached her hands out to take the baby.

  James looked away. Obviously, Teresa loved the baby, but what mother didn’t? This was not unusual, and yet it was. He searched his mind for the reason, but found none. Would not any of the Amish women do the same? Yet none of them had a child outside of marriage. Was that not the difference? An illegitimate child would be an awful thing for them and scarcely endurable.

  They might even reject the child. And Teresa could have done so, could she not? She was an Englisha, and they had their ways which an Amish girl did not have. Horrible ways of removing a child from existence before it was born, and beyond that there were easy ways of placing a child with other parents. Teresa did not need to be here, accepting this situation.

  A vision of Yost Byler rose in James’s mind, standing in line with the men earlier this morning, his tattered black hat pulled down over his ears, minute traces of straw clinging to the bottom of his pant legs. Teresa was willing to accept that? She was willing to marry Yost? And for what?

  The answer glowed before his eyes, shining out of the joy of Teresa’s face when she looked at the child. She was doing it because she loved her baby with a depth quite beyond explanation.

  James drew in his breath, concentrating on the pages in front of him. A soft click of shoes on the hardwood steps above him brought the singing to an end. The ministers were filing down the stairs. When they were seated, the first speaker got to his feet and began speaking. But James was watching Teresa’s face as she held the baby. One little hand was sticking out of the blue blanket, the little fingers wrapped around one of hers. A smile was spread across Teresa’s face as she looked down at him, joy written on every feature of her face.

  James pulled his eyes away, turning toward the preacher. But the words kept running together in his head, his mind unable to pull away from the sight he had witnessed. This was a very gut-hearted woman. An equal in love even to his own mamm and her seven children. So now the question really needed to be answered. What in the world was Teresa doing marrying Yost Byler?

  Because she had sinned? Yah…but more than that. Because she loved her son. James stared at her, both hands clenched on the edge of the bench. Such love did not deserve to be given to Yost Byler. The man could not return that kind of love to a wife.

  Moments later, the first minister concluded his remarks and knelt down to lead them in prayer. At the “amen,” they got to their feet and remained standing, as Deacon Ray read the Scriptures. James kept his balance, light-headed, staring at a single spot in the floor. He should never have started wondering about this Englisha girl. That’s what came of minding other people’s business.

  What if Daett found out about his questions, let alone his conclusions? James glanced at his daett’s face, now studiously reading from the pages of the Bible. There would be trouble indeed, much trouble. Daett was behind much of the current treatment of Teresa, and if his own son came to her defense, it would be a serious matter indeed.

  His sympathies would likely be viewed as rebellion at best, and falling for the forbidden things of the world at the worst. But was that true? James searched his heart. Was he falling for the allurements of the world? Daring to glance at Teresa again, he shook his head. She was gut-looking, but not enough to risk one’s reputation over.

  Out of the corner of his eye James caught Eunice watching him. Eunice’s eyes were filled with questions, a slight frown on her face. James met her look, and she raised her eyebrows. Had he been found out? He smiled, and Eunice’s face softened. Hopefully no one would believe her if she said that Deacon Ray’s son had been looking at an Englisha girl that way.

  But Eunice didn’t seem to be suspecting anything, so he shouldn’t have to worry about her. She looked away and he did likewise.

  Deacon Ray finished reading and everyone sat down, the house rustling with the sound. James tried to listen to the next sermon, refusing to turn in the direction of the women’s section. Eunice was still visible out of the corner of his eye, and she obviously was keeping an eye on him, her gaze coming his way every few minutes.

  Well, let Eunice think what she wanted to. She had no evidence, and he had done nothing wrong. Toward the end of the sermon, when Eunice was looking away, he dared glance toward the women’s benches, but Teresa was gone, the spot empty. By the time Eunice looked back, James was watching the minister who was wrapping up his sermon. Moments later he was asking for testimonies.

  When those were completed the minister turned to Bishop Henry, who cleared his throat and said, “We’re so grateful today that all which was spoken and heard could be declared as the Word of God. This is what all of us strive to do each day with our words and actions. Let us now be dismissed with the Lord’s blessings. Church will be back here in two weeks, and we have no further announcements to make.”

  The smaller boys jumped to their feet, moving toward the front door as fast as possible without drawing stern looks from the men’s section. James stood when his turn came, ignoring Eunice’s gaze on him as he walked by her.

  Outside in the barnyard Thomas sidled up to him. “Did you see Eunice making eyes at you? She could hardly look at anything else!”

  James allowed a soft smile to spread across his face. “I did. But you ought to be upset, I would think. Aren’t you afraid I’m stealing your girl?”

  Thomas laughed. “So why don’t you take her home tonight? Eunice is a sweet girl.”

  “So why don’t you?” James shot back.

  “Because I’m waiting on Susan; you know that,” Thomas asserted. “I was so hoping she would come along to instruction class today, but she didn’t. She’s so stubborn. But not more stubborn than me. I’ll wait her out if it takes years.”

  “How do you think Teresa did?” James asked.

  Thomas raised his eyebrows. “Not bad, I would say. Your daett didn’t bother her with any German questions.”

  “Maybe Daett wants this thing to work between her and Yost Byler,” James said.

  Thomas laughed. Then he stopped suddenly. “Whoa! What’s this interest in the Englisha girl? Are you after her yourself?”

  “Of course not,” James said. “But it still doesn’t seem right. She deserves better than Yost.”

  “My, my.” Thomas slapped James on the back. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you had it bad. But don’t worry, Teresa will make it. I feel a little sorry for her sometimes, but what can we do about it? The important thing is that everyone’s trying to find a way out of the troubles she’s caused—which, I might remind you, she brought on herself. You’d be much better off taking Eunice home tonight and forgetting your troubles with her charming smiles. How about I line her up for you?”

  “I don’t think so.” James shook his head. “I can ask my own girls home.”

  “There you go!” Thomas led the way toward the barn. “That’s much better. Just step right up and ask her.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Susan sat in the back of the buggy with Teresa and baby Samuel as the family drove home from church. Daett held the reins in the front seat. Mamm was seated beside him, the doors of the buggy open. Rattling down the dirt roads, the early spring weather poured inside the vehicle.

  The baby was awake and wiggling under the blanket that was keeping him warm.

  “He wants to see the nice day,” Susan asserted.

  “I don’t want him to catch cold,” Teresa said, looking down at the squirming baby. “It’s nice out, but there’s still a chill in the air.”

  “It’ll do him good to get his head out,” Mamm said, turning around to watch as Teresa cracked the blanket open. Samuel blinked his eyes and ceased his struggles.

  Susan laughed and closed the buggy door on her side.

  “There’s no use taking chances, I guess,” Mamm said, closing her own door.

  “What’s all the talking about?” Daett asked. “Am I also supposed to be closing my door in this nice weather?”

  “Please don’t,�
�� Teresa said. “I’ll pull the blanket back over Samuel’s head if it gets too breezy back here.”

  Daett slapped the reins, nodding his head with the bounce of the buggy.

  “So how did the instruction class go today?” Mamm asked Teresa.

  “Very good, I think,” Teresa said. “The ministers were quite nice. There were a lot of us, so I hope I blended in. That was after falling on the stairs. I’m sorry if that caused any disturbance to the church time.”

  “That’s okay,” Susan said as Mamm nodded in agreement. “I was going to come up and help, but you got up by yourself.”

  “You looked okay when you came back down,” Mamm added.

  “I can’t believe I was so clumsy,” Teresa said. “And on such an important day.”

  “Did you understand the questions the ministers asked in German about the instructions?” Mamm asked.

  “Not all of them,” Teresa said. “Oh my, I just thought of something. Is there an exam at the end of this thing?”

  Susan laughed. “I don’t think so. The ministers will just be interested in whether you agree with the instructions.”

  “I’ll agree with anything,” Teresa said.

  Susan groaned but didn’t say anything.

  “You are learning your German fast enough, from what I can tell,” Mamm offered. “I know I’m not worried. You’re a smart woman.”

  “Too smart for Yost Byler,” Susan muttered, but Mamm didn’t act like she heard.

  Teresa held her finger to her mouth. “Shh…”

  Behind them the rattle of another buggy could be heard. Menno leaned forward and slapped the reins again, urging Toby on.

  Mamm laughed as a buggy pulled out and passed them. “You look like you’re standing still there, Menno.”

  “I’m too old for that kind of foolishness,” Menno said, settling back into his seat.

  “I saw you trying to speed up,” Mamm teased. “And don’t you think about buying a faster horse some week when that shifty Englisha horse trader comes around. You know it wouldn’t work anyway. He’d sell you some horse that might have some speed but comes with a bad shying habit that’ll land us all in a ditch.”