He shook his head. “No, Abby, I don’t want it to be like that. I don’t want you to feel like you have to prove anything to me, and I definitely don’t want us to make love for that reason.”
I kissed him again. “But I want to do it anyway. I think if I do, it will make it all the more real to me. It’ll be taking a big step.”
He rested his forehead against mine, his voice soft. “Just last night, you were telling me you never wanted to do it at all.”
“But I didn’t really mean it.” I remembered being annoyed with him last night, and wanting to hide from him the fact that I’d been considering being with him. “Besides, you were with that worldly girl, and I can’t handle the idea that you have something more serious with her than you do with me.”
“That is the worst reason to do it yet.” He pressed his lips against the tip of my nose. “I am in love with you, Abby London. There is nothing more serious than that.”
“I’m not Abby London,” I said. “Not anymore. I’m Abby Carroll. Some part of me belongs to Bob, and I don’t want it to anymore. I want it to belong to you.”
“I think you need to belong to yourself,” he murmured. He kissed me again, and then he released me. He went back over to the couch. “So, how long do think you have to stay there for Susannah, anyway? Are we talking days? Weeks?”
He wasn’t looking at me, and I took the opportunity to pull my blouse out of where it was tucked into my skirt. I started to unbutton it. “If I belong to myself, then I should get to decide this, right?”
He turned back to me. “What are you—”
I pulled my blouse over my shoulders, and he stopped talking. He just gazed at me.
I fumbled behind my back to unclasp my bra.
“Abby…” His voice cracked. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to.” I wriggled out of my bra and took a deep breath. It felt a little strange having the cold air against my bare skin, but I knew that I wanted to do this. I’d planned to run away with Jesse tonight, and I couldn’t do that. So, I wanted to do something that made a final statement, that severed me from the community forever. And… I was pretty sure I could handle it.
He stared at me, letting out an audible breath.
I crossed the room to him. I put my hand on his face, caressing his cheek. And then I kissed him.
He kissed me back, but he didn’t touch me. He even kept his body back away from mine. When he pulled away, he searched my eyes. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered.
I nodded.
“If you feel unsure at any point, you tell me,” he said. “If you want it to stop, then we’ll stop. You understand?”
“Okay,” I said.
And I felt the warmth of his hand on my flesh. He ran his hand over my rib cage.
I closed my eyes, sighing at the sensation.
“You’re beautiful,” he breathed, and his hand closed over my breast.
I gasped. He’d never touched me there before, especially not with my skin bare, and I hadn’t expected it to feel so nice.
His mouth found mine, and his other hand was on my other breast, and suddenly I was assailed by pleasure. He teased my nipples with his fingers, working them into stiff points, and everything he did was wonderful. Moans started bursting out of me, unbidden—noises that I’d never made before. I couldn’t seem to stop moaning.
“So…” Jesse cocked an eyebrow. “You like that?”
“Shut up,” I gasped. “I’ll stop making noise.”
“You better not.” He tugged me down on the couch, and his mouth was on my nipples, sucking on me, and wrenching even more pleasure from me.
I threw my head back, feeling almost assaulted by the sweetness. I’d hardly imagined that it was possible for anything to feel so good. And the feeling didn’t seem to be confined to my nipples, either. Every time he touched me, I felt as if there were strings connected to the the crease between my legs, and they twitched and tugged at me there. Heat pooled, goodness gathered. I wanted Jesse to touch me there.
Almost as if he could read my mind, one of his hands worked its way down my torso. He was slightly out of breath as he kissed me quickly. “Remember, if you want it to stop anytime, you just say it.”
I groaned. “I don’t want you to stop.”
His fingers were under my skirt, easing between my thighs.
I sighed, opening my legs for him, letting him have better access.
He shut his eyes, as if he was concentrating or searching or something, and his fingertips glided over my sensitive flesh.
And then his fingers danced over something down there, something wondrous. I sucked in breath sharply.
He smiled. “Found it,” he whispered.
I moaned again as he began to stroke me there, long, soft swipes over the very center of my pleasure. I couldn’t believe that it felt even better, that there was more bliss to be felt. I wasn’t sure what exactly it was that he’d found, but I was glad that he had. I surrendered to his fingers, letting exultation wash over me.
He did it for a long time, and each stroke was somehow better than the last. My body was tightening, growing taut, and all of me was focused right on the place where he was touching me. Even his mouth and other hand on my breasts seemed to intensify the feelings between my legs.
I was lost to the pleasure. I writhed under his caresses, my hips bucking and twisting as he touched me. I didn’t seem to have control over it. I was coming undone, falling to pieces.
And then…
Then he readjusted himself a little bit, settling in next to me on the couch.
Wait. Was he uncomfortable? Here he was, doing all this stuff to me that made me feel good, but what about him?
My eyes flew open. I hadn’t even realized that I’d closed them. My body must have tensed too, because abruptly, Jesse stopped.
He wasn’t touching me at all. “What?” he said. “Is it bad? You want me to stop?”
“Uh…” I licked my lips. “Are you sure you want to do this to me?”
“Oh, I’m positive. But, if you want me to stop—”
“No, I really like it, but, I mean, you’ve been doing it for a long time, and I don’t mind if you want to stop.” I bit my lip. “I don’t even really think this has to be part of it.”
His lips on my nipple again. “Trust me, Abby, this is a very important part of it.” His hand wormed his way back between my legs.
I moaned again.
But he seemed to be foundering there, feeling around to find the place again.
I giggled.
He lifted his head to look at me, raising his eyebrows. “What?”
Shyly, I reached down and readjusted his fingers, pushing them back where they’d been before.
He kissed me fiercely, stroking me again.
It took a second, but his fingers seemed to stoke the fire of my pleasure right back to the place it had been a moment ago. And within another second, it was even more intense. I started moaning again, but now I really couldn’t stop the sound, couldn’t stop the way by body was reacting as I thrashed against him.
He grunted, his lips against my ear. “Oh, Jesus, you’re turning me on.”
I was? That was good, because I wanted him to like it. I wanted him—
Everything suddenly crested, crashing over me. The pleasure racked my body, making my legs jerk and my muscles tense and release. I was overwhelmed by how good it felt, how gushing and warm and perfect and amazing… I lay splayed under him, struggling to breathe, waiting as it passed.
But now his fingers—
I seized his wrist. “Too much,” I rasped.
“Stop?” he breathed.
I fumbled for the catch of his pants, trying to open them. “Do it now. Now, please.”
He groaned, helping me. We pushed at each other’s clothes, shoving them out of the way, our limbs tangling together.
But then, somehow, we managed it, and we were both naked, and I was under him on the couch, and
his hips were between my thighs, and I could feel him hard and thick, pushing against me.
“Abby… are you sure?” His voice was ragged.
I nodded, biting down on my lip.
But I was actually starting to feel the tiniest bit afraid. Whatever he’d done that felt so good had made me feel bold and excited. But now this seemed a lot like what Bob had done to me, and I wasn’t sure if it was actually going to be any different, and—
He brushed my hair out of my face, gazing down into my eyes. “I love you.”
I took a shaky breath. “I love you too.”
He was pushing at me down there, and he was really hard and really big, and I tensed—waiting for it.
But…
He just slid into me, like it was nothing, like his body was made to fit into mine there. And it didn’t hurt at all. It wasn’t even uncomfortable. In fact, it was kind of nice.
Jesse buried his face in the crook of my neck and shoulder, sighing. “Oh, Abby.”
I wrapped my arms around him, holding him against me.
He rocked into me, and I opened for him. The more he rocked, the more I started to rock back. He felt sweet in me. I felt filled up and complete.
I clutched his body to mine. I didn’t care if I was going to Hell.
This…
This felt like Heaven.
* * *
Jesse
I’d been terrified that I was going to screw it up, but it seemed to have gone okay. She was still naked in my arms, and her eyes were closed, and she seemed… content.
I held her close, and I knew that this was right.
Before, when I’d been with Erin, there had been something about our coupling that had left me feeling empty and sad, but this…
Nothing on earth had even felt quite this good.
Her eyes fluttered open. “We should go to the bed.”
“I don’t want to let go of you,” I murmured. I didn’t either. She was my sweet, beautiful Abby, and I thought that having her this close was pretty much the most awesome thing in the universe.
She grinned at me. “It’ll only be for a little bit. We’ll be more comfortable there.”
I cringed. “Was it bad that we did it on the couch the first time?”
She giggled. “Jesse, nothing about it was bad.”
I needed to hear that. I was afraid that I’d hurt her somehow, or that she hadn’t liked it. I really wanted her to like it. I felt like it was my duty to make sure that it was nice for her. But I really didn’t know what I was doing, so I’d been afraid that I was screwing it up.
She disentangled herself from me and got up. “Come on. Bed.”
I didn’t get up. I grinned up at her, taking in her nude body, completely uncovered.
She looked down at herself and blushed. “What are you doing?”
“Looking at you.”
She seemed to blush even harder, and it only made her prettier. But she stepped back from the couch and let me see all of her.
Man. She was so lovely. I couldn’t believe that she was here with me like this, that I finally had her again, after all this time.
I got up from the couch and followed her to the bedroom, where we twined together in the bed. I was stirred by how deeply I wanted to protect her, how much our physical intimacy seemed to cement our connection.
This was the way it was supposed to work, I realized. People were supposed to fall for each other, and then they were supposed to make themselves even closer by having sex. The sex tied it all together. The problem was that everyone else seemed to be putting the sex first. The men in the community would marry women that they barely knew, and the two of them were meant to be intimate immediately, even though they didn’t know each other. And the people in the world seemed to have sex just for the sake of sex.
But what Abby and I were experiencing wasn’t just physical pleasure and it wasn’t just commitment. It was both of those things, of course, but there was something transcendent about the way that I felt about her.
I chuckled inwardly. All those years thinking that acceptance led to transcendence, when that wasn’t true at all.
Holding her tightly, eventually, I fell asleep.
I woke up in the early morning darkness to find her trying to wriggle out of my embrace.
I clutched her tighter. “Stay,” I mumbled. “I don’t want you to leave me.”
She sighed. “I don’t want to either, but I have to.”
“That’s the thing, you don’t. You really don’t.”
But she left anyway.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Abby
I got back early enough that morning that no one knew that I had been gone. I slipped back into my bed at Bob’s house and wished I was still warm and snuggling with Jesse. More and more, it felt almost physically painful to be away from him. I knew that I belonged with him, not in this community.
I had to tell Susannah this. I couldn’t stay here for her. I resolved that I would go looking for her and let her know that no matter how much I cared about her, I had to go.
But at breakfast, Bob told me that the family was going to need my jeep to go to the conference in Sarasota.
I’d forgotten all about the conference, but it was a typical yearly activity for the elders. There were four communities of the Life in the United States. Ours, in Texas, and communities in Wyoming, Kentucky, and Sarasota. The elders’ conference gave them the chance to sit down together and discuss doctrinal issues about the Life. Bob used it as a vacation of sorts, and, apparently, he took his wives on a yearly rotation. This year was Sally’s year, and she was bringing all of her children. There wouldn’t be enough room for all of them in Bob’s car, so they’d need to make up the difference with my jeep.
“You don’t mind, do you?” said Sally. “We could take my van, but the brakes are practically shot on that thing. It really wouldn’t make it all the way to Florida.”
I had to smile and say that it was no problem, because it would have raised suspicion if I did otherwise. But it wasn’t good news. I used the jeep to sneak out to see Jesse every night, and I didn’t like the idea of not having it around.
“You can use Sally’s van if you need to go anywhere while we’re gone,” said Bob, smiling at me. Great. The van wasn’t very reliable. Sally only used it to drive around in the community, like to take the kids to meeting. It could break down at any time, so it wouldn’t be good for trips out of the community. I couldn’t take it all the way to Melville to see Jesse, for instance. Too risky.
They were going to be gone for two weeks.
After breakfast, I texted Jesse the news.
I’m coming to get you, he texted back. I’m going to drive in and take you away.
No, I replied. You can’t be seen in the community. It’s only two weeks.
Wait. I’m not going to see you for two weeks? No way. I’m coming.
I managed to convince him not to, but it took some doing. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to spending two weeks without Jesse either.
But I guess I wanted a few last weeks at home. With Bob and Sally gone, I’d be free, and I could make sure to see everyone and everything that I was going to miss.
So, that was what I did. I spent the two weeks in the community, and I went to see my mother every day. I talked to each of my younger siblings, trying to find out everything about them that I could. What they loved. What they hated. What they dreamed of. Suddenly, it seemed as if I had squandered all of the things that I’d had here. I hadn’t spent nearly enough time cherishing the people that I loved, and now I was going to leave them.
I spent a lot of time crying while Bob was gone.
Sometimes, I even wondered if I should leave at all.
But then I would get a text from Jesse, or I’d find a way to sneak in a hasty call to him. When I heard his voice, I knew that I had to be with him. Nothing could stop me.
Gideon had gone to the conference as well, and he’d taken both of his new wi
ves with him, which was out of the ordinary. It was generally assumed that if a man went out of town, he should only take one of his wives with him. Having more than one wife around generally only fed jealousy and conflict. Women expected to have their husbands to themselves during trips.
But that meant that Susannah was home without Gideon, and we made the most of the two weeks as well.
Since Martha didn’t much care what Susannah did, she and I met every day for dinner, either at her house or my house. I even spent the night with her once or twice, and we were giggly girls having a sleepover as if nothing had ever happened to us.
We didn’t mention Jesse much, but I knew she was thinking about the fact that I was leaving. We only talked about that once, and I let her know that I’d probably be gone very soon after the elders got back from the conference.
It was beginning to feel real, as if the weight of everything was settling on my shoulders. I was really going to be leaving the community. I was going away with Jesse, and it was going to be final. I’d leave everything that I’d ever known behind me and go into a world that I didn’t understand, a world that I’d always been taught was evil.
To say that I was terrified was putting it lightly.
I realized that my period was supposed to come around the time that Bob got back, and I was a little annoyed, because I’d only gotten to have sex with Jesse that one time, and I really wanted to be able to try doing it with him again right after I got the jeep back.
I had been very surprised at how often I thought about having sex with him. I’d despised having relations with Bob—dreaded it. But it was much nicer with Jesse, mostly because I really liked him. What was awkward and awful with a person I despised was sweet and intimate with a person I loved. The simple difference amazed me.
There were even a few nights where I lay in bed and put my fingers between my legs in the place where Jesse had stroked me. I pretended it was his fingers, not mine. I couldn’t believe how sweet and wonderful it was, and that my body was even capable of it.
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