He was going to kiss me! Already!
No way. I planted my hand against his chest. "Stop."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to kiss you." Forget the Attitude and The Ledge. I just wanted him off me.
"Why not?" He twirled my hair around his fingers. "Playing hard to get?"
"No." I set the popcorn between us again. "Let's just watch the movie."
He moved the popcorn again. "I don't want to watch the movie."
Okay. That did it. I turned in my seat to face him. "Listen, Heath. I really liked you, but frankly, I didn't like kissing you."
"What?" The look on his face was almost comical.
"You're not a very good kisser."
"You... What... I…"
Cool, suave, Heath, actually tongue-tied? This was sort of fun. "And I didn't like your hand on my leg. It gave me the willies."
"The willies?" Then he sat up and got his old Heath look back. "You're just too young. You wouldn't like kissing anyone."
"Wrong."
"Who?"
"Colin." There. It was out there. "I liked kissing Colin."
"I knew there was something going on between you two."
No need to tell him that there was absolutely nothing going on between me and Colin. I simply gave him a vague, superior smile and leaned back against the seat. So this was what the Attitude felt like? I peeked at Heath, who was looking rather put out. I had a feeling this was the first time anyone had ever told him he couldn't kiss. Heath on The Ledge.
What fun. This was turning out to be a great evening. By the time my friends got there, I didn't even need them. I had things totally under control. So I excused Heath and we all got a ride home from my parents. It was brilliant, and I felt good.
So good, in fact, that I managed to completely avoid thinking about what my reputation would be like by the time I got to school on Monday.
* * *
"So you really told him you liked kissing Colin?" Allie asked.
It was Sunday night, our first chance to all get together to rehash my date. Mom hadn't let me go to Allie's on Saturday night with the rest of the girls on such short notice, and Natalie had an away cross-country meet all day Sunday. I'd been sworn to silence until we could all get together.
I'd done all my homework ahead of time, so tonight would be free for consultation. "Yes, I told him I liked kissing Colin."
My friends shrieked with delight. "Well, do you?" Allie asked excitedly.
I'd been pondering that exact question since the night before, and I still hadn't come up with an answer I liked. "It's better than kissing Heath."
"But do you like it?" Frances asked.
"How do I know?" I flopped onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. "I've only kissed two boys. Maybe I just liked kissing him because it was my first real kiss."
"Or maybe you like him," Natalie suggested.
That was definitely not the answer I was looking for. "Impossible."
"Colin's so cute." Even Frances wasn't doing homework. She hadn't even opened her backpack. "Why would it be impossible that you like him?"
"Because." Because he didn't like me. Because he'd been at the pizza place with another girl, and he'd smiled at her. And held the door for her. I pulled a pillow over my face and screamed, "Argh!"
I heard a light knock at the door and then my mom intruded. "Everything all right in here?"
Allie answered. "Blue just realized she likes a guy she didn't realize she liked."
"Heath?" My mom asked.
"Nope."
Oh, my gosh. My mom knew Colin's mom! I'd die of embarrassment if she knew!
"Who?" she asked.
I sat up so quickly I got a head rush. "Someone else in the musical."
My mom gave me one of those looks that said she totally knew I was lying. "Who?"
"Um...he's...in the chorus?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
Sometimes parents are the worst. "Telling you. He's in the chorus."
"Great. You can point him out to us at the show." She glanced around the room. "Anyone want to try my new dessert? It has chocolate."
Everyone sort of waved their hands halfheartedly. They'd had my mom's desserts before. It was amazing how she could turn chocolate into some healthy thing that tasted like shoes.
"Great. I'll bring some up." She left the door open behind her, no doubt hoping she'd catch more details when she came back.
Allie straddled my desk chair backward, leaning on the back of it. "So what are you going to do about Colin?"
"Nothing. He has a girlfriend."
"He does?"
"I saw him with her." And I hated her. Hey, at least I didn't hate Vladimir's lover anymore. She could have him. So that was one burden off my shoulders. It was kind of exhausting hating two girls I didn't know.
"Do you like him, though?" Allie was staring at me intently. Actually, all three of them were.
"Don't you guys have someone else's social life to obsess about?"
They looked at each other, then shrugged almost in unison. "You're the only one with a social life at the moment," Frances said.
"Great."
"So what are you going to do about Colin?" Allie persisted.
What was there to do? He had a girlfriend. He was taken. I had to move on. But for some reason, the thought of letting go of Colin hurt a whole lot more than giving up my dreams of being Heath's girlfriend.
On the Ledge again. Shoot!
* * *
Monday afternoon when I got home from school, Colin's pickup truck was parked in our driveway. He was in the barn? Funny how I'd never really noticed his truck before. In fact, if Natalie had asked me how he got to our house, I would have said he magically appeared. I'd been so obsessed with the fact that Heath had a car that I'd never even stopped to consider that Colin might too.
Sneaking a peek at the barn, I casually walked over to Colin's truck. It had a sign on the door that said Bradshaw Landscaping. His dad's business?
I peeked inside, and it was pretty clean. For a guy.
Shifting my backpack to the other shoulder, I studied the barn for a moment. Should I go in? Pretend I hadn't noticed he was there and act surprised to find him in there? Or just pop in to say hi, like we were friends?
But we weren't friends.
Well, we were. Or we had been.
So why did I feel so weird around him all of a sudden?
Okay, I could do it. I'd walk in, say hello, and see what happened. Maybe I didn't really like him. Maybe it was just because I'd been so annoyed by Heath that anyone would look good in comparison. Then all it would take was a quick conversation with Colin and I'd be over him.
That was it.
Nothing scary about that.
I shifted my backpack yet again, took a deep breath, and marched up the path to the barn.
Then I stopped.
What was I supposed to say to him? "Sorry I was a jerk to you on Saturday night? I ditched Heath because I like you? Even though you know I'm a total dork and everything, I sure hope you'll like me?"
It sounded so stupid.
I couldn't do it.
No way.
I heard a thud from inside, and I jumped. It was Colin, on the other side of the door. All I had to do was open it.
And then I heard a female voice. And it wasn't one of my friends. Or Marissa. Or my mom.
Then I heard Colin laughing. Laughing? At something the female had said? In my barn?
Impossible.
I sneaked up to the door and pried it open a tiny bit. Just enough for one eye. Just enough to see Colin…and his date from Saturday night. He was teaching her how to sweep the floor. And he was touching her arm. In my barn!
I was going to throw up. Truly, I'd never felt so sick in my life.
Colin with another girl.
My Colin.
With another girl.
I slumped to the ground right outside the barn. I'd blown it.
/> Too bad it took seeing Colin with another girl to make me realize I liked him.
Yes, too bad for me.
My life was a sewer.
* * *
By the time I got to rehearsal on Tuesday night, I was so depressed that I nearly had to be carried to the auditorium. Why would I want to go to rehearsal? Heath was the reason I'd been so excited about it, and now I felt like an idiot. Yes, supposedly I'd put him on The Ledge and not vice versa, but I had a suspicion that boys had a way of getting off that Ledge pretty quick.
I slunk inside and sat down in the front row, waiting for the song onstage to finish so I could do my little speaking part. What had I been thinking? Doing a speaking part in a musical? There was no better way to feel like a complete loser and outsider than to have to sit at rehearsal and watch the entire cast practice the opening number except me, because I couldn't sing at all.
Heath and his lover were holding hands in the center of the stage, gazing at each other as if they were in a trance.
Ugh.
Didn't girls have anything better to do than gaze at Heath? I folded my arms across my chest and slouched down in my chair and watched everyone dance around the stage.
Laughing.
Smiling.
Singing.
And there was Blue, sitting alone in the front row watching, because she was so musically incompetent that she couldn't join them. That was what they were all thinking. What a loser that Blue is. Heath won't even look at her now. What'd she do to make him mad?
I wanted to stand up and shout how I blew Heath off, but they probably wouldn't even hear me, they were singing so loud.
So I sat there, feeling like a loser, for two hours. At which point they ran out of time and postponed my scene until the next day.
This musical was definitely the stupidest idea I'd ever had.
* * *
"I'm going to quit the musical," I announced over dinner that night. "So you can fire Colin. I'll take over the barn starting tomorrow." It was the perfect solution. It would get me out of that awful rehearsal hall, and get Colin out of my life. He'd have to find another place for his girlfriend to giggle.
"No." My mom didn't even look at me, just dished up some vegetable mush onto Marissa's plate.
"What do you mean, 'No?'"
"You can't quit." She took my plate and dumped a mound that looked like dog vomit onto my plate. "Wallers don't quit."
"Have I ever mentioned that I would really prefer if you didn't refer to me as a Waller?" How could I eat that? "Don't we have any chicken?"
"You took that role in the musical away from someone else. You have a duty to follow through," Mom said.
"Yes, but if I quit now then that poor, deprived soul can have my part and then they'll be happy."
My dad set down his fork. That wasn't a good sign. My dad never got involved in these sorts of discussions. They were too confrontational for him. "I agree with your mom."
I was sunk.
"Just because you don't like this boy anymore isn't enough reason to quit."
"Dad!" I didn't want to discuss Heath with my dad! What if he asked what happened at the movies?
"Whatever happened with him anyway?"
"She said he was too slobbery," Marissa said.
"Marissa!" Oh, my gosh. I was going to die.
My mom barely hid her smile, and my dad had a fit of coughing. Oh, great. They thought it was funny? A new low in my social life. My parents laughing at my social life. I'd be the name in the yearbook for the Biggest Loser award.
Why couldn't my parents be normal? Why couldn't they be shocked upon hearing that I thought a boy was slobbery? As if I could be lucky enough that Marissa's comment would freak them out. Did anything shock them? Probably not. They were much too tuned in to the evils of society to be surprised by any of them. They'd do what they could to prevent them, like family dinners and making me wear baggy sweaters, but they certainly weren't going to be surprised.
And, now that I think about it, they were probably glad that the reason I didn't like Heath was because of his kissing. They probably figured I was burned enough that I'd never kiss another guy again until I was fifty.
Well, they were probably right.
I was a social outcast.
"And we aren't going to fire Colin. We promised him an income for three months, and he's going to get it."
Even better. Stuck in the play and Colin would be haunting my barn for another six weeks.
Should have kept Heath and his slobbering. At least then I wouldn't be alone.
* * *
It was two weeks before I was home early enough to see Colin's truck in the driveway. Of course, that was because I'd been staying at school to do my homework on the days I wasn't required to be at rehearsal. No need to be home and think about Colin in my barn with that girl.
Allie was with me, and she bumped into me when I stopped to stare at it.
"Colin's truck," she said.
"Uh-huh."
"Maybe you should go say hello to him."
"Remember what happened last time?" I'd told my friends about the girl in the barn. "No, thanks."
"I'll go check and see if she's here." Before I could stop her, Allie dropped her bag on the ground and ran up the pathway to the barn. She pulled open the door and stuck her head in. Yes, that wasn't at all obvious.
My heart was racing as she jogged back toward me. "He's alone."
"Are you sure?"
"Uh-huh." Allie picked up her bag. "Just pop in and say hello. It's been forever since you've seen him. I'll wait inside."
Without lecturing me once about The Ledge or the Attitude, she walked into my house, leaving me outside with my jangling nerves.
I didn't want to go in. At the same time, I wanted desperately to see him. I missed him. So was I more scared of going in or more desperate to see him?
I thought about Colin and realized I wanted to see him. I had to. What if he'd dumped that girl and was hoping I would come to the barn so he could declare his love? I had to give him that opportunity.
And get my hopes up?
No, I'd go in there as friends. Casual. Get past the tenseness that had been between us at the pizza place that night. Just try to rebuild our friendship.
I took a deep breath.
Okay. I could do this. Just a quick visit. To assess. As friends.
I dragged my leaden feet up the pathway, pausing in the doorway for the sound of female twittering. Silence, except from the sound of a pitchfork bumping against the metal wheelbarrow.
I stepped inside…and didn't see him.
"Colin?"
A clunk and a muttered oath came from the first stall on the left. Ah, the wheelbarrow in the door. Should've noticed that.
I walked over and peered inside. Colin was mucking out the stall, his back to me." Hi, Colin."
"Hi." He didn't turn around.
"How are you?"
"Fine." He still didn't face me.
"So…how's everything?"
"Fine." He dumped a load of manure into the wheelbarrow and looked me. "What do you want?"
"I…" Okay, this wasn't working. All I could think about was how cute he looked in his faded jeans and boots. How I wanted to lean closer and sniff. What it felt like to have him kiss me. And he didn't seem to be having the same feelings about me. "So…Um…that other night at the pizza place…"
"What about it?"
"Was that your girlfriend you were with?"
He leaned on the pitchfork. "She's a girl I'm dating. Why?"
"Um…like, seriously?" The pizza outing was over two weeks ago, and he was still dating her?
That sounded like a serious relationship.
"I'm taking her to homecoming."
Okay, I definitely hated her.
"How's Heath?"
A slobbering fool. "He's…"
"He's what?"
"He's…"How did I admit Heath was a jerk without admitting I'd been a total fool? And d
id I want to confess I was alone when Colin had just announced how he had a girlfriend? "Heath's great. Just fabulous."
"Oh, really?" He gave me a very odd look. "And how's the kissing going?"
"Ah… He can't tell that I'm a beginner." Which was completely true. Of course, it was because I hadn't let him near me, but there was no reason to admit that to Colin. I had some pride, after all. Especially after his little remarks about how Heath had such wandering hands. I wasn't feeling the urge to tell Colin he'd been right. "So…I guess I'll see you around?"
Colin shrugged. "Sure."
"Um…okay." I turned to leave, but Colin called my name before I got to the door. I turned around, my heart racing. "What?"
"When's your musical?"
"A month from this Friday." Why? Was he going to come watch me?
"So I'll work through that weekend, then?"
Oh. "Sure."
"Great. See ya." Then he turned back to the stall.
I walked away, because I couldn't think of anything else to say.
In fact, all I could think of was that I was most definitely on The Ledge. Hanging by my fingertips. And there was a strong wind. And lots of traffic. And a shortage of spleens.
Being on The Ledge rotted.
So I had to get off.
Now.
But how?
* * *
"You need to find a new man," Allie announced. My friends had stopped by the rehearsal hall with ice cream for me, but even the double fudge chocolate sundae wasn't enough to improve my mood after my sixth day in a row of five hours rehearsals.
"You need to tell Colin how you really feel," Natalie said.
"Ignore Allie and Natalie," Frances said. "Forget boys and read a good book. Or study. When you're twenty-five and raking in the big bucks, men will be falling all over you because you're a successful professional woman. None of them will care how many boys you didn't kiss when you were in high school."
"Thanks for the wonderful advice," I said. "You guys are so much help."
Allie set down her root-beer float. "Blue, listen. We're worried about you. It's been almost a month since you last spoke to Colin, and you're still walking around like there's a big black shadow following you."
"Sorry." I swirled my ice cream and wondered what Colin was doing.
"You guys going to homecoming?" Allie asked.
Putting Boys on the Ledge Page 11