Apologising…
… angry…
… then stopping altogether.
She took a deep breath and called him.
Cal picked up instantly. ‘Where’ve you been? I’ve been going crazy.’
‘They took my phone.’
‘That’s a relief.’
‘How much trouble did you get into?’ she asked.
‘Shedloads.’
‘You deserve it. Why did you lie to me?’
He sighed. ‘It was a white lie.’
‘Have you ever actually driven the lorry before?’
‘On the farm, plenty of times. Just not on the roads. I got such grief from my Dad.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ She could imagine Matt’s reaction and was furious. ‘Taking their lorry without permission like that.’
‘It’s a bit worse than that,’ he admitted.
‘How much worse could it get?’
‘It isn’t my Dad’s lorry. It’s my uncle’s. He stores it on our farm.’
‘How stupid can you get?’ Toni was almost shouting into the phone.
‘Cool it!’ he hissed.
‘Anything could have happened.’
‘Yeah, well. It didn’t.’ Cal sounded pissed off now. ‘And it got your precious pony where he needed to be, didn’t it?’
Toni was gutted.
‘You didn’t care about what was best for Buster at all.’
‘Hey. It was all my idea, remember?’
‘You just wanted a chance to show off. I know I’m four years younger but you’re the one who acts like a big kid.’ She rang off, and when he rang back immediately, she rejected the call.
A text arrived next.
‘I need to c u. Please.’
Toni tortured herself, trying to decide what to do, then finally called Lauren to ask what she thought.
‘You didn’t ask my opinion before you got into this mess.’ Lauren was clearly still hurt.
‘I’m asking now,’ Toni begged. ‘You are still my best friend, aren’t you?’
There was a silence.
‘Of course I am.’ Lauren started to thaw. ‘The way I see it is simple. You didn’t tell him about your age, he didn’t tell you about the licence. So you’re quits.’ She made it sound so straightforward. ‘And you still care about him, right?’
Toni tried to imagine never seeing Cal again and couldn’t bear it. ‘Yes.’
‘Enough to give him another chance?’
‘I guess so.’
‘Meet him then. At least hear what he has to say.’
************
They met down the road, out of sight of the yard. When the old blue pick-up drew up, it was driven by his brother, with Cal in the passenger seat.
‘You’ve met Sam, haven’t you?’
As Sam smiled at her, Toni felt vaguely uncomfortable. She had the oddest sense he was checking her out.
‘You’ve got five minutes. Then I’ve got to be somewhere.’ He plugged in his headphones and started to listen to music. Toni decided it must have been her imagination.
She stood opposite Cal at the side of the road feeling awkward. He avoided looking at her and focused on kicking bits of gravel into the long grass.
‘Dad won’t let me drive the pick-up anymore.’
‘I don’t blame him.’ All her anger rushed back. ‘Driving the lorry without insurance was insane.’
‘OK. I get it.’
‘Don’t ever do anything like that again, OK?’
He sighed. ‘I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep, Toni.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I’m not a great one for rules. I tend to do things my own way.’
‘I guessed.’
‘And your world is pretty different to mine.’
‘It’s Arabella’s world, not mine.’ Toni said, quickly.
‘Get real. She’s never going to approve of me, is she?’
‘Can you blame her? After what you did?’
‘You haven’t exactly been honest either,’ Cal pointed out. ‘You’re only fifteen. When were you going to tell me that?’
At that moment Sam tooted the horn, making them both jump.
‘I’ve got to get going. Look…’ Cal held his hands up in surrender. ‘I did the wrong thing, OK? I admit it. But if you’re not prepared to move on, I don’t see what I can do about it.’ He jumped back up into the pick-up and slammed the door and they drove off.
Leaving Toni standing alone at the side of the road.
Wondering if she would ever see him again.
***** Twelve *****
When she walked into the house, she knew instantly something was badly wrong. Arabella was sitting at the kitchen table with an unfamiliar expression on her face. Her father was standing in the hall at the bottom of the stairs and looked startled when he saw her.
‘I didn’t think you were home until later.’
Arabella shook herself slightly and stood up. ‘It’s probably a good thing she is back. You can tell her face-to-face.’
Toni’s heart sank. Her father had promised the three of them would sit down and talk about the New Forest. This was it.
‘Come and sit down.’ He moved into the kitchen and took her arm, then led her across to the table. The gentle way he did it made her certain. This was going to be bad. They sat side-by-side as usual and he held her hand.
‘I can’t believe this will come as a surprise to you.’
Toni closed her eyes tightly, willing him not to say it out loud and make it true.
‘Your mother and I have decided….’
There was a snort from Arabella. ‘Keep me out of it. This is on your head,’ she sniped.
Toni looked from one to the other, her heart pounding.
Her father took a deep breath. ‘Alright then, yes, I have decided it’s best if I move out. It simply isn’t working for me living here anymore.’
Toni was stunned. It wasn’t about Buster at all. ‘Move out. But you can’t. What about me?’
Don’t leave me alone with her.
He gripped her hand tightly between both of his. His face was pale and he hadn’t shaved. ‘I’ve rented a cottage over in Little Alderley for now – just until I find something more permanent. It’s not far so you can visit whenever you like.’
‘Can’t I come, too?’
He shook his head sadly. ‘It’s not going to work, is it? I’m in London so often.’
Toni began to sob and Arabella walked out in disgust, the stable door banging as she went.
‘But you can stay as often as you like, darling.’ He folded her in his arms and held her close while she cried. ‘And I’ve told your mother we’re going to sort something out so you can keep Buster. I promise. It’s going to be alright.’
No, it isn’t.
With her father gone, nothing would ever be alright again.
*************
She didn’t tell any of her friends. Not even Lauren. If she talked about it, it would become real, Toni decided. She wanted just to blank it out and pretend it wasn’t happening at all. But pretending didn’t make any difference. She watched from her bedroom window as her father loaded up his car and drove away.
Toni couldn’t bear the feeling of complete emptiness she had when he had left, so she cycled over to visit him the very next day. The cottage was tiny; one of six on the main street in the centre of the village, with a front door leading straight into the lounge, dominated by a large inglenook fireplace and a log-burning stove.
A new two-seater sofa sat against one wall and a desk in one corner was covered in a pile of papers. It was a shock to realise her father must have been planning this long enough to order furniture and have it delivered. Now she knew what Lauren felt like, having things hidden from her.
Beyond the lounge was a narrow galley kitchen, with a tiny patio garden outside.
It was strange seeing her father somewhere completely different. The ceilings h
ad low beams he had to duck to avoid. Toni didn’t know what to say.
‘It’s small, I know. But I’m away a lot. I don’t need much.’ He gave her a hug and she relaxed a bit. He still had his own familiar smell. ‘Go and explore upstairs.’ He grinned. ‘It won’t take you long.’
Toni climbed up the steep cottage stairs. There were two bedrooms, one just large enough to fit a double bed and a chest of drawers. His suits and shirts hung neatly on a hanging rail in an alcove.
She opened another door and found a shower room, and the third opened onto another small bedroom, with a sloping ceiling leading down to a low window. There was a large box in it, almost as big as the room itself.
‘What do you think?’ She hadn’t heard him coming up the stairs after her.
‘It’s cute.’ Toni shut her eyes, trying to work out what she was feeling. ‘And it feels friendly.’
He seemed relieved. ‘It’s only short-term. Just till I work out what happens next.’
‘I like it.’
‘That’s for you.’ He nodded to the box.
‘What is it?’
‘A bed. For when you want to stay over.’
‘Cool.’ Toni began to see the advantages to the situation. Somewhere to escape from Arabella.
‘The bad news is we have to assemble it ourselves.’
They sat on the floor together and puzzled over the diagrams in the instructions, her father soon shaking his head. ‘I never was any good at DIY. I’m an accountant, for Heaven’s sake.’
Toni laughed. ‘Here, give it to me.’ She took the Allen key and began to piece together the base.
Her father stood up and stretched as far as the sloping ceiling allowed. He looked grey and tired. It struck her what a difficult time it must be for him. ‘I’m on top of this,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you make some coffee?’
‘Good idea. I could probably run to a cheese toastie as well.’ He kissed the top of her head before going downstairs.
‘Juice for me, please,’ she called after him.
She worked quickly and efficiently. When he came back upstairs, the bed was half-done.
‘Wow.’ He was amazed. ‘Clearly not my genes.’
Toni frowned, not wanting to think any part of her had come from her mother.
‘My dad was always good with his hands. Here.’ He handed her a plate with the sandwich on and a glass of water. ‘Sorry, no juice.’
‘It’s not a problem.’ She took them and turned to look outside while she ate. A small picket fence divided the raised patio from the one next door and beyond was a field running the length of all six cottages. A single horse grazed in it, either pregnant or very fat.
It was peaceful and simple.
And it suited him.
*************
If her mother had been easier to live with, her father would never have left. This simple truth dawned on Toni, and every day she felt herself becoming more resentful. She did her best to avoid Arabella. When she did see her, she was infuriated her mother acted as if nothing had changed. To make it worse, Arabella was back on her case about riding.
‘You have an appointment at eleven tomorrow to take your cast off. I’m busy and so, apparently, is your father. You’ll have to get yourself there.’
Toni didn’t even bother to ask how she was meant to get to the hospital on the outskirts of town.
‘Then your lessons start with Christine again the day after. Six-thirty as usual.’
So it was beginning again.
‘I’m not sure if I’m fit enough for a lesson.’ The only time she had sat on a horse in over six weeks was in the New Forest with Cal. The memory filled Toni with longing.
‘Well, the more you do, the fitter you’ll get, won’t you?’ Arabella snapped. ‘You need to put the work in if you want to start competing again.’
But do I want to?
It took an hour and a half and two buses to get to the hospital. The nurse who finally called her in was tired and brusque, and within minutes, Toni found herself standing outside again, scratching her arm with relief. It felt strange. Light and insubstantial.
The following morning it seemed as if she was riding for the very first time. Out in the New Forest on Buster, with Cal alongside, she had been relaxed and happy. But this was the first time she had ridden Grace since the accident. Her wrist was weak and she had trouble holding the reins firmly enough. Arabella stood at the side of the arena for the whole hour, watching and judging, and her scrutiny made everything so much worse.
‘That was crap,’ her mother said, as Toni led Grace out of the arena at the end of the lesson. Toni knew she had ridden badly. She didn’t need her mother to tell her.
Every morning for the following two weeks, she got up at six to be ready for her lesson. Her wrist began to get stronger and the rest of her muscles soon stopped complaining. But the real issue was her relationship with Grace. She carried the whip because Arabella insisted, but she hardly used it, and could sense Christine was mystified at the change in her.
‘You have to show her you’re the boss,’ the instructor pushed her, after a particularly bad lesson one day. ‘When she’s hesitating, just give her a whack.’
Toni shook her head. ‘If she’s nervous, surely what she needs is reassurance.’
Christine sighed. ‘Look, I’ve seen hundreds of ponies just like her. I know what I’m talking about.’
Toni shook her head again, feeling mutinous now.
The instructor tried a different tack.
‘I know the accident probably knocked your confidence, but you just have to get over it, OK?’
Toni led Grace away. Ever since the New Forest she could feel something building up inside and it was getting hard to contain.
Then Arabella announced she was flying to Ireland to see a new horse. ‘I’ll be gone for two days. Beth’s in charge of the horses.’
Beth, the groom taken on temporarily for Badminton, had ended up staying. There was something about the girl Toni didn’t like. But she didn’t need to have much to do with her. With her mother gone, she would have the house to herself at least.
It was time to take control of her life.
The first thing she did was to call Christine, pretending she had flu and needed to cancel her morning lesson. It was time to break free from Arabella’s shadow and she had serious plans for the day.
Clive, the farrier, arrived at nine. He began to work through her mother’s horses and it was nearly lunchtime before he got to the ponies. Toni led Grace out first and tried to soothe her as he worked. Then it was Buster’s turn. He was pretty chilled and usually she didn’t have to hang around and hold him.
But today was different. Toni had been rehearsing what she was going to say all morning. She watched Clive take the shoes off, one-by-one, and put them to one side, before beginning to trim his hooves. Buster stood patiently as always.
‘I’ve decided to have him barefoot from now on.’
There. The words were out.
She’d tried to make it seem casual, but her voice sounded strangled, even to her.
The farrier looked up sharply. ‘Sure about that, are you?’
Toni nodded. ‘Positive.’
He stood up and stretched himself, then perched on the tailgate of his van and began to roll a cigarette. ‘You could be causing all sorts of problems down the line.’
Toni had always known he was going to try and dissuade her. She had to let him see she had done her research. ‘He’s native. And I’m not competing him anymore. From everything I’ve read, there’s a pretty good chance he’ll be fine.’
Clive put the cigarette in his mouth, lit it and took a deep drag. ‘So what does your mother reckon to this?’
Toni looked away. ‘He’s my pony. My decision.’
There was a stand-off.
‘Sorry, Toni. I need one of your parents to OK it. I’ll have to give Arabella a call and check.’
‘She’s away in Ireland. She won’t l
ike it,’ Toni gambled. ‘I’ll call Dad.’
He shrugged. Toni walked over to the tea room where he couldn’t hear her, and called her father. He was clearly busy and irritated at being disturbed.
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