by Sue MacKay
‘I smother her from top to toe. So much she’s probably going to be vitamin D deficient instead.’ Hard to get a balance. Too much sun was bad, too little wasn’t great either. Just like everything else, steering a middle course often seemed like juggling a bucketful of balls all at once.
*
Marshall sat in Karen’s kitchen, his hands playing with an empty beer bottle. ‘Man, it’s hot.’
‘Hotter than New Zealand?’ Karen grinned.
‘It was toasty but nothing like this.’ He should never have told her about Charlie, but one night two months ago when he’d been to see her after returning from Afghanistan she’d been so down about Rod’s death he’d filled in the silences by talking about anything that had come into his head. As Charlie was always in his head, that’s who he’d talked about. Today he’d already let slip that he’d flown over to New Zealand to see her.
Karen looked over the rim of her wine glass at him. ‘How was Charlie?’
Hot. Sexy. Loving. Wise. And wishing for far too much from him. ‘Surprised to see me.’ Angry with him, pleased with him, and very disappointed. No surprise there. He’d walked away with a very heavy heart. Now a shaft of jealousy crawled through his gut at the thought of her following through on his stunning piece of advice to find another guy.
‘In a good way?’ Karen wasn’t letting up.
‘Yep.’ Then the words he’d been holding back, telling the news he’d wanted to share with someone since he’d got back to the States, spewed out. ‘We have a daughter. Aimee. Eighteen months old and the cutest little girl I’ve ever met.’ And he missed her as much as her mother. Pulling out his phone, he showed photos of Aimee and Charlie.
Karen’s eyes stuck out as if they were on stalks. Her mouth curled into a soft smile. ‘Wow, what a little cutie. Got her daddy’s eyes.’ The smile widened. ‘I’m guessing that’s Charlie. She’s beautiful, too. When do I get to meet them, huh? Are they coming over here?’
‘What’s this? A quiz show?’ Why had he opened his goddamned mouth? Shoving his chair back, he headed for the trash to dump the bottle.
‘You bet it is. If Rod was here you’d be spilling the beans to him.’ Her voice caught, and twisted his heart at the same time. Her brave face had been all for show.
Spinning around, he crossed to lift her into a gentle hug. ‘Take it easy.’ With a soft squeeze he sat her back on her chair and circled the table. He wanted that smile back on her face before he left, no matter how fragile it appeared.
‘Charlie and Aimee are not coming here. And I’m not moving to New Zealand. You know how it is with the army sending me all over the show. Hardly fair on Charlie, is it?’
‘She said that?’ Strength was returning to Karen’s voice.
‘No. I didn’t give her the chance. We’re not going down that path. It’s too hard on everyone. Imagine how bewildering it would be for a little girl. She’d no sooner start to get to know me than I’d be off again.’
‘Better than not knowing you at all.’
‘Charlie will find someone else, a guy who can be a regular dad to Aimee.’ His gut clenched painfully. Another man raising his kid? Didn’t seem right from here. Neither did he feel ecstatic about another guy sharing Charlie’s bed. But what was a guy supposed to do if he wanted to protect those he loved?
Karen locked gazes with him. ‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this. What’s happened to you? Leave your brain in Afghanistan? Lose your nerve between battles? Come on, Marshall, you’re shirking your duty, never mind your heart.’
‘Not fair. You know where my duty lies.’ When her eyebrows rose he hurriedly continued before she could say anything else disturbing. ‘Charlie lives in the house where she was born. The only time she’s left Taupo was to train as a doctor. She works in the same medical centre as her father. Me.’ He stabbed his chest with a thumb. ‘The longest I’ve lived in the same place is fifteen months. We are completely incompatible.’
His tongue had got away from him again. It had been happening far too often since he’d returned from New Zealand and that woman who seemed to have stolen his heart and tipped his world upside down.
‘Never took you for a scaredy-cat.’ Karen gripped his hand. ‘I’ve lost my husband and lover, my kids have lost their father, but we will always remember him and know the love he shared with us. Did you know Rod had decided not to sign up again? He wanted to put us before the army. He believed in us, saw the army had many men, and that we only had him.’
She blinked. ‘Marshall, what’s staying in the army because of your perceived guilt over his death going to achieve? Nothing. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for his death. He wouldn’t hold you responsible.’
‘He never told me he was getting out.’ Rod’s timing had sucked. He’d nearly made it. A shiver ran up Marshall’s spine. For Rod? Or himself and those he loved? Had he got it all wrong? Did his men need him or would any competent officer suffice? Certainly no one could take his place as father to Aimee, no matter what he’d told Charlie. No man could love Charlie as much as he did. But to walk away from his long-held beliefs, his guilt and start over?
Karen withdrew her hand. ‘I’m sorry. You’ve come visiting, and I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know. But I see you missing out on so much. Don’t you want to be with someone you love, someone who loves you back so completely you wonder how you survived before you met her?’
Time to get on the road. ‘Thanks for lunch, Karen. Call me if there’s anything you or the kids need, okay?’ He plonked a light kiss on her cheek. ‘Say hi to the boys for me.’ And he took his leave before she could throw any more offbeat ideas at him.
But her words followed him down the path. To love someone that much? He did love Charlie. That much. It was his love for her that kept him away. He was saving her from heartbreak. But it also hurt that he hadn’t been there for her through the most terrible time of her life. He might have a duty to his men but the one to Charlie and Aimee was bigger.
What did he really want out of life? He’d never made plans for his future past what he did now. Maybe he should be thinking about it.
Back in his motel room he stared at his laptop. Would Charlie mind if he gave her and Aimee an internet call? Why wouldn’t she? She’d said she loved him. Suddenly he knew that if Taupo was only a few hours away he’d hop a plane right now, go and see her, hug her small frame to his. But the people he cared about most were at the other end of the world, where they belonged.
And he missed them.
The screen came up and his finger hovered over the internet icon. Click. Click off. Charlie could be at work, or busy bathing Aimee. If he wanted to call her he needed to arrange a time with her.
Her number was on his cellphone. A simple text would sort out that problem.
Charlie came back so quickly he had to wonder if she’d been waiting three weeks to hear from him. Which made him feel bad. She was at home, available any time, but the sooner the better if he wanted to see Aimee.
Click. As he waited for the connection he rummaged through the small fridge for a beer, twisted the top off, gulped a mouthful.
And then they were there, filling his laptop screen with their smiles and chatter. He stared at Charlie, drinking in the wonderful sight. God, she was beautiful. That crooked smile, those teary eyes filled his heart with tenderness and need.
‘Hey.’ Aimee’s shriek filled the sterile room he stood in with wonder and love and warm fuzzies. Her arms waved at him and her cute face filled the whole screen as she leaned close to the computer. ‘Hello, Daddy.’
The beer bottle slid out of his fingers and crashed to the floor. Daddy. As beer spilled across the vinyl he stood transfixed. Daddy. Aimee had called him Daddy for the first time ever. In his chest his heart didn’t seem to know what it should be doing. Thumping, squeezing, racing, aching.
‘Daddy,’ his daughter shouted, her face puckering up at his lack of response.
Swallowing the sudden blockage in his thr
oat, he croaked, ‘Hello, Aimee.’ Huh? That was it? Your daughter calls you Daddy for the first time and you say, ‘Hello Aimee’? What’s wrong with you, man?
‘Marshall?’ The voice of reason washed over him, and Charlie’s concerned face slid into the picture next to Aimee’s grinning one. ‘You okay?’
Of course he wasn’t okay. Who would be? Had Charlie set him up? Taught Aimee to use the D word to knock him off his feet? Somehow he didn’t think so. She hadn’t used dirty tactics before so why would she start now?
Dropping onto a chair, he grunted, ‘I’m good. How’s everything with you? Not working too hard, I hope.’
Disappointment—or was it annoyance?—altered her voice, made it edgy. ‘No more than usual. I took Aimee to the public swimming pool tonight. She’s a little seal, flipping all over the place. We can go to the tepid pools when summer’s over.’ Charlie’s face was serious, not at all excited as it usually was when she was talking about Aimee.
He’d done that to her. He swore silently, then gathered his strength. ‘Aimee? Can you hear me?’
His daughter’s eyes lit up. ‘Daddy? Where are you?’
‘I’m a long way away, sweetheart.’ Too damned far away. Bloody miles and miles. Even if he wanted to kiss her goodnight, he couldn’t. ‘Did you like swimming in the big pool?’
‘Yes, Daddy.’ Another ear-piercing shriek.
As Aimee chattered on excitedly he watched every nuance of expression on Charlie’s face. Something was wrong. She blinked too often. Her cheeks were stained red, like she’d been crying. The skin beneath her eyes was swollen.
He wanted to cut across Aimee’s chatter to ask what was up but understood he had to wait.
When Aimee finally got bored with talking to the computer she got down and headed away without a backward glance, and he felt a moment of disappointment despite needing to talk to her mother.
Charlie surprised him with, ‘There’s a chance we might be getting another partner at the centre. A doctor from South Africa has made enquiries and hopes to come and talk to us all next month.’
Marshall sat up straighter.
Charlie continued. ‘She seems very keen. Wants to move to a small town rather than a city.’
It was as though a door had slammed in his face. That partnership had been offered to him. Didn’t matter that he’d turned it down. ‘Brendon will be pleased if she buys in. Give him plenty of time to go fishing then.’
‘We’ll be eating trout every day of the week.’ Her smile didn’t override the sadness darkening her eyes.
‘Charlie? You’re not keen on this South African doctor?’
She shrugged. ‘Won’t know until I meet her. Sorry, but I’ve got to put Aimee to bed.’ Charlie started to push away from the table her laptop was on.
‘Wait. You’ve been crying. Why?’ Why wasn’t he there with her? ‘Talk to me, babe.’
At first he thought she’d shut down on him but slowly she returned to her chair. ‘Keisha’s results came back today.’
His blood ran cold. ‘That bad?’ He pictured that lovely woman who’d come to see Charlie while he’d been there. A person didn’t have to be in a war zone for a grenade to be lobbed at them.
Charlie’s head dipped. ‘Yeah. It’s aggressive. The treatment starts very soon and will be tough on her.’ Her lips trembled and she began blinking back tears. ‘Those poor little boys, Marshall. They need their mum. They’re too little to be facing this.’
And Charlie needed someone to hold her, a shoulder to let all the pain out on. Because although she would be hurting for Keisha and her family, Charlie was also reliving her own pain and fear from her own cancer experience, and possibly for the loss of her mother.
‘Babe,’ he whispered as he put his hand on the screen. ‘Put your hand on mine, Charlie. I’m sending my love. You know I love you, right? You can deal with this. We can deal with it. I’m here for you.’ Yeah, and he should be there for her.
Her eyes met his as her hand touched her screen. ‘Thank you.’ Her voice shook. ‘Maybe I’m not cut out for doctoring in my home town. It’s harder than in a hospital where the patients aren’t people I went to school with, sailed or cycled with.’
‘You do a fabulous job. I bet Keisha would prefer you as her GP right now than anyone else.’ He always felt a kinship with the men he treated in the army. He knew them, their families and what they were hoping for.
Just like a GP.
Her smile was wobbly but it was a smile. ‘Yeah, you might be right.’
‘Of course I’m right.’ He grinned. ‘Who wants to talk about something as serious as this with a doctor they don’t know well?’
‘Keisha knows I’ve been through it so she’s asking some hard questions.’
‘You’ve got the answers for her. You won’t be saying things that are blatantly untrue.’ His grin wavered. He mightn’t have been injured in war but he certainly understood the fear of being taken out by a sharpshooter.
He and Charlie weren’t that different in their careers. Could he swap location? Change his uniform for an open-necked shirt and slacks? Get weekends off even?
Because he owed Charlie his allegiance more than he owed it to the army. Thank you, Karen.
In the background Aimee squealed. Charlie looked disappointed. ‘I’d better go. Teddy’s spilled his dinner and is in danger of being stuffed into the dishwasher. Can we do this again? Soon?’
‘How about tomorrow?’ He didn’t want her to go. Could have talked to her all night. Tomorrow—a full twenty-four hours away. How could he wait that long?
‘Tomorrow’s good. I haven’t heard anything about what you’ve been up to yet. Love you.’ She blew him a kiss and was gone. Leaving Marshall staring at a photo of Charlie and Aimee on his screen. His heart was heavy. Aimee had called him Daddy. And Charlie was hurting, needed lots of TLC.
*
Charlie tucked Aimee into bed and kissed her chubby cheeks. ‘Goodnight, sweetheart.’
‘Where’s Daddy? I want him here.’
Her heart clenched so hard it hurt, took her breath away so she couldn’t answer immediately. You and me both, her brain screamed. Never once in the last few days when Aimee had learned to say Daddy had Charlie anticipated that question. Aimee was too small to understand much, but it seemed that even she knew her father should be here with her. ‘Daddy lives a long way away and can only come to see you when he’s not working.’
‘Okay, Mummy.’ Aimee snuggled down under the light cover, a yawn creasing her face.
‘Goodnight, darling.’ Another kiss and she crept out of the room, pulling the door closed behind her. Already asking where her father was. What would she be asking by the time she started school?
Pulling on a light jersey, she headed for the kitchen to make a cup of tea before going outside to sit on the veranda in the cooler evening air. The endless clicking sound of cicadas had quieted as the day turned into night. In the distance cars roared along the main road into town. Overhead a plane was on its final approach for the airport. Otherwise the evening was quiet.
So Marshall had called on the internet. Talking to him about Keisha had made her feel better. He seemed to understand her, knew what to say. Damn, she missed him. Would give anything to be able to cuddle up with him.
Dad strolled out and sat on the lounger beside her. ‘Progress?’
She couldn’t help sighing. ‘Who would know? Every day I hoped he’d phone or call me. Every night I’ve gone to bed angry that he hadn’t. Yet now? I should be happy, pleased he got in touch.’ The tea was hot on her tongue. ‘Yet the more I get, the more I want.’
‘Could be you were expecting too much too soon.’
How come Dad always stuck up for the guy? She snapped at him, ‘I wasn’t hanging out for a proposal.’
‘No, love, I’m sure you weren’t. But you might’ve been hoping for more of a connection to his life.’ His reasonable tone incensed her, which in turn made her feel terrible. None of this was
Dad’s fault.
Blinking hard, she strived for a softer tone. ‘Marshall made it very clear I’m never going to get that. But I can’t stop wishing for it. I love him, Dad.’ Where had all these tears come from?
‘Even a blind fool could see that.’
‘I told him before he left. I don’t know what I thought I’d achieve but it seemed important that he knew.’ She set the mug on the boards to cool. ‘How can he can ignore that?’ Marshall loved her, too. Who or what had hurt him so badly that he truly believed he would be wrong for her and Aimee? Right now, if she had the answer to that, she’d want to strangle that person. Or persons.
‘Be patient, Charlotte. Your health’s good, and your energy’s coming back. Aimee’s got you. You wanted to find Marshall so he’d be there for Aimee if anything happened. You’ve achieved that.’
She’d wanted to find him because she loved him.
Dad added, ‘A little over five weeks ago Marshall didn’t know he had a child, didn’t consider he had other options about how to live his life. He’s a man who thinks things through. He doesn’t act rashly.’
At least Dad hadn’t told her to put it out there and wait to see what happened. She stood up. ‘Thanks, Dad, but even I know Marshall is never going to come and live here. I’ve been fooling myself to even wish he might.’
‘You could move to the States.’
‘No way. Leave my home, my job? Leave you? Never.’ The words shot out of her mouth like bullets. ‘No, Dad. No.’ Her foot stamped hard on the veranda. ‘No.’ She’d have preferred putting it out there to this suggestion.
‘Just a thought.’
‘Not a very good one.’ Her dad was the most sensible, grounded person she knew. He didn’t have random thoughts. So where had this come from? Did he really believe that her taking his granddaughter to live in another country was a good idea? Or was he being his usual selfless self? Guilt stabbed her. Could it be that he wanted to finally have a life that didn’t revolve around looking out for her?