“My unit was sent to an area held by a rebel group led by a militant jihadist. The mission was to capture the troublemaker, who’d made verifiable threats toward the United States. He’d been educated in this country—Harvard, no less—in medicine, chemistry, and research. A brilliant man who masqueraded as a good guy when in fact he planned attacks on American soil. We assumed that’s how he flew under the radar of Homeland Security.” He lifted a shoulder and took a long drink of beer. “We came under fire. I got shot. Bullet glanced off my helmet, caught me above my eye.”
He paused.
“And you lost your vision?”
“Yeah. It has improved with surgeries. I can see light and dark, shapes, some detail with my other eye, but it will never be what it once was.”
“That has to be hard.”
“Incredibly hard. And I had no idea Ray was even sick. It was incredibly strange. We’d always done everything together. Like it was predestined or something. She’d been diagnosed and was gone before I rotated back to the States. Suzanna needed me, poor baby. By the time Ray went to the doctor, they gave her less than six months. Breast cancer—stage four. She died a few weeks later. I’d just gotten permission for compassionate leave when I went on my last patrol. Boom-boom-boom. Ray was gone. I was injured. Suzanna was left alone. My folks stepped in until I could take over. Suzanna’s been the center of my world ever since. End of story.”
“My God, Cash.”
“We’re doing well. It took a while, but Suzanna has adjusted and does well in school. I’ve been busy being a father and working toward my own wellness. Life goes on.”
“Yes,” she murmured. “Yes, it does…”
Chapter Nine
Breast cancer.
Kate had barely heard the rest of his sentences. Her hand shook and some of her wine spilled on her jeans. She absentmindedly blotted the stain with a napkin, while the cold clench that hit her every time she heard those words obliterated the sound of his voice.
Shocking. Another line-drive hit for cancer.
He’d lost a wife to the disease that had become her daily companion. If she were in his shoes, she wouldn’t put herself in the position of facing it all over again. No way she’d expect him to. He’d be a fool to chance such pain again, wouldn’t he? Cash Montgomery was no fool.
And wasn’t it ironic that the first man she’d even come close to being interested in since Clark had a history of love lost to the very same disease that plagued her life? What were the odds?
Her emotions whirled and skidded; flashes of empathy, sympathy, and disappointment coursed through her. Whatever was happening between them could go nowhere. Better they found out now.
Had she begun to care for this family, she’d have been decimated when the proverbial shit hit the fan. Losing someone she cared for again? She simply couldn’t do it. She’d never survive.
And Cash? Suzanna? Opening their lives to yet another person with cancer? It was unthinkable.
She needed to get out of there, distance herself, and maintain that distance. For all their sakes.
Too late. Already she hurt. For the first time in two years, a man had made her feel like a woman again. A nice man. Attractive. Sexy. Worth taking a chance on. He could rock her world if she let him. But, in the end, if she opened herself up to Cash and Suzanna, allowed herself to love again and lost them because they couldn’t face the disease again, she’d be hurt. They’d all be hurt—and she couldn’t allow that.
My God, what if the cancer came back? What if she died, too? What would happen to them in the aftermath of losing someone yet again? There were no guarantees from the medical community that the cancer wouldn’t come back. Three more years of remission, and she could consider herself cured. Until that time, life, for her, was a gamble.
Suzanna was far too young and vulnerable to expose her to another loss. It was too much to ask of anyone, wasn’t it? To take a risk of making a family with the specter of another bout of cancer hanging over all their heads?
It wasn’t fair. She couldn’t allow this thing between them to develop into something more, something deeper. Into love.
No. She needed to back away—now. Before it was too late.
The silence lengthened between them until Kate slid her hand into his, and he wrapped his fingers securely around them.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “For everything you’ve gone through.”
Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed her fingertips, the action bittersweet. “So am I. Because of Rayanne. Because of Suzanna.”
And possibly, because of me.
Leave. Leave now. Begin the distancing.
Already she was hurting, the sense of loss beyond imagining, proof that she had to get out. Working with him would be bad enough. A personal relationship would be disaster.
Pulling her hand from his, Kate stood and put her glass on the table. “I should be getting home. Thanks for the delicious dinner. Please tell Suzanna good night for me. Oh, and I can’t make it this Friday night. Sorry, something came up at the last minute. Meant to tell you before dinner and forgot. Maybe another time, okay? Um…goodnight.” Her breath came in spurts with each excuse.
Run. Get out while you still can. It’s best for him. Best for Suzanna. Best for you…
“Goodbye.” Her voice broke. Kate pecked him on the cheek and headed for the door.
Cash rose and followed her. “Kate? What the hell? Why are you leaving? It’s early…”
Her heart thumped in her chest, and the familiar pain of panic hit her stomach. She had to go.
“Sorry about Friday. I’ll call you about the list of applicants for the scholarships, okay? Thanks again for dinner.”
She was out his door, into her own apartment, and slamming the deadbolt before he could utter another objection.
The last thing she saw was him standing in the hall, running his hands through his short hair with a befuddled expression on his face. He looked confused, frustrated, angry. And who could blame him? Talk about mixed messages.
She ached. Her poor, confused heart ached as it beat against the scarred wall of her chest. The aching was proof that he was a danger and proof she was wise to back away. Wherever this connection was leading, it wasn’t smart. Inevitable pain waited at the end of the path, and the vulnerable future of an innocent child was at stake.
She washed her face, pulled on an old T-shirt over her panties, and leaned against the open French doors of her bedroom. A cool breeze blew against her hot cheeks. Had she done the right thing?
What else could she have done?
Damn cancer. It spared her, but for what? A lifetime alone was no life at all. But she couldn’t do that to Cash or Suzanna. They’d been through too much already. God, she hurt. She liked him, really liked him. Which was why she had to let him go.
Ellie. She needed to talk to Ellie.
She placed the call, but when her friend answered, the tears were already choking her, closing her throat.
“Kate? Is that you, Kate? What’s wrong? I’ll be right there.”
“Are you out of your mind?” her friend demanded when Kate told her what happened. She sat forward on the couch and gave Kate her most intense look. “So his wife died of breast cancer. Did he say he’d never open himself up to a woman because of it? Did you even talk to him about it? Don’t you think it’s possible you overreacted just a tad?”
“He didn’t have to say it, Ellie. He lost his wife to that horrible disease. He loved her. Suzanna lost her mother. What man in his right mind would take a chance on something like that happening again?”
“A man who is falling in love with a beautiful woman who—by the way—is cured of the disease?” Ellie insisted.
“He isn’t falling in love. Neither am I. It’s too soon, right?” Kate’s stomach pitched and soured. It was too soon, wasn’t it? Even as she asked the question, she was afraid of the answer.
“Baby, you didn’t see the two of you dancing all night. I did.
Sometimes things just happen the way they happen. I could feel the sizzle from across the room.”
“Ellie, you’re supposed to be on my side. What the hell?”
“I am on your side,” her friend offered gently. “Trust me, you’re making way too much of this. His wife has been gone how long? Years. He’s the one who made the first move. Do you think he would do that if he wasn’t ready to have another woman in his life?”
“Oh, he’s ready, all right. But a woman like me? A breast cancer survivor. Scarred. Misshapen. Vulnerable to a disease that could mean a death sentence. A constant reminder, every time he looks at me, of what could happen. Don’t you get it?”
“That’s nothing but fear talking. Fear and pure bullshit. From what you’ve told me, he’s decisive and determined. Intelligent, attractive, and considerate. And definitely not a coward. In other words, your Cash is a keeper. Hardly the type to run away from a challenge or fall apart if the woman he loves is less than perfect. He wants you, Kate. The only fool in the relationship is you.”
“Suzanna doesn’t need another woman to disappear from her life. Neither does her father.”
Ellie’s voice softened. “And there we have it. Fear. You aren’t going to disappear,” she said quietly. “You’re lying to yourself, Kate. I’ll grant you, you have every right to be concerned about what a relationship could do to you, Cash, and his daughter. But the driving fear is that cancer will come calling again. You may be in denial, but what you’re really afraid of is that you’ll have the life you’ve always dreamed of and then lose it. You’re afraid you’ll be like your mother and Cash’s wife. You’re afraid you’ll die.”
Ellie’s words broke through her fragile control, and she sobbed and paced. The horrid specter of death consumed her. Her breasts rose and fell with labored breathing.
“Can you blame me?” she screamed. “Can you imagine what it feels like to face your own mortality? I’m twenty-nine years old, Ellie. What have I achieved? What is my legacy? I’ve never really been in love. I haven’t held my child in my arms. There’s so much I want to do. So much need in the world. So many families wondering how they’re going to prepare their children for the world we live in if they don’t have an education. I have mountains to climb. Yes. God, yes, I’m afraid of my own mortality,” she wailed.
“Baby,” Ellie whispered, “everybody wants someone to love. Everybody has dreams, things they want to accomplish. Everybody wants to live, and everybody dies. Control is an illusion. I’ve watched you overcome every obstacle life’s thrown at you and survive. Please tell me you’re not going to run away now. Reach for the stars, Kate. You’ve been given a second chance at life. At something precious. At love.” Ellie pointed through the open doors to the balcony beyond. “There’s a man living right next door with the potential to become your everything. Don’t you see? Not going for it, not giving him a chance, isn’t living. It’s only existing, and you may as well already be dead.”
****
Cash turned on some music. The night music that acted like a drug, clarifying his thoughts, calming his restlessness. It was quickly becoming a common thread in his life, his personal fix. He needed it to think, to give him clarity. Chopin’s nocturnes played in the dark. Rich and deep, the sound wove around his heart, each strand echoing her name. Kate…Kate…
He was worried about her, and about what the hell happened to send her scurrying out of his living room like a ghost was chasing her.
He needed to zone out, relax. Kate running out on him threw him for a loop. One minute he thought he had her and the next—poof—gone.
The raised voices of women arguing next door floated over the balcony to where Cash stood listening at his opened living room window. Kate and her friend.
Their voices raised above the music, he heard their words and froze.
Holy fuck. Breast cancer.
No wonder she was so damned skittish.
From what he was overhearing, Kate had survived what Rayanne could not. And she was afraid to open herself up to him because of it.
He’d be lying if he denied the sick sensation roiling around in his gut. When Kate had run like a scalded dog, he could tell something had spooked her. But this? Jesus. She was scared shitless. No matter how much she liked him, she was afraid to take a chance. But it was more than that.
He heard what she said, and her intentions were brave and self-sacrificing. She’d run to protect all of them from heartbreak. Him from loving another woman who’d been diagnosed with cancer, Suzanna from falling in love with a mother figure she could potentially lose again. And herself from a potentially devastating loss.
He drew in a big breath. She drew him like no other. More so, now. A woman willing to deny herself for the sake of others. So rare. So amazing.
Cash gazed up at the stars as he heard her words. And those of her friend, as well. Suzanna slept a few feet away, snug in her bed. Confident in her daddy’s love. That he’d take care of her and do what was best for her.
Decision time.
He could let things stay the way they were with Kate. Forbid Suzanna further contact. Work on Stars of Hope via e-mail and limited personal contact. Pretend he didn’t want Kate in his life—in his bed.
Or say the hell with it, and take a chance…
Ellie said she’d been cured. And if she wasn’t? Where did that leave him?
Cash accepted the truth right then and there…it didn’t matter. Something deep inside him connected with Katherine Sanders soul to soul. She was a gift. Plain and simple, he wanted her. Wanted a life with her. To love her, protect her, care for her, and have the same from her for himself and Suzanna. Made no fucking sense, but there it was. She was it for him.
“Damn,” he muttered aloud. The decision had been made the first time he smelled her sunshine scent and heard her voice. He faced the heavens, closed his eyes. Give her a few days to let her friend’s words sink in? She’d given good advice. He hoped Kate took it.
Cash went inside, closed the doors behind him, and poured a scotch. He selected another nocturne from the recording Allison had sent him, settled in his chair, leaned back his head, and closed his eyes. The dark wound around him like a velvet blanket as he listened. Music at midnight. He buried himself in the sound and solace.
“Rayanne, baby, can I do this again?” he asked aloud as he drank. “I like her, sweetheart. Everything about her. I like the way she is with our daughter. God, I wish you were still here…but you’re not, and I need her in my life. We need her in our lives. Give me your blessing, Ray. No idea what the future holds—none of us do. But I need the blessing to take a chance.”
The peace he felt after he uttered those words gave him hope. One thing was sure. Young, old, or in between—falling in love was a bitch.
****
Later that week, Kate lay in her bed wide awake, and heard Cash playing his music again. So far, music in the middle of the night seemed a habit with him. Every night about this time, the strains of Chopin or Beethoven, preludes and sonatas, poured through her open sliding doors and brought an even greater awareness of the man who lived on the other side of the wall.
Not that she didn’t like music or have a playlist of her own, but for some compelling reason, his sounded so much better floating through her open window on the night breeze. Hearing the beauty from his apartment made her feel closer to him.
She shouldn’t want that—but she did.
All her good intentions to avoid him haunted her. Ellie thought she was simply making an excuse not to get involved out of fear. Irrational fear. Was she?
Was she cheating both of them—all three of them—out of something that could potentially be extraordinary? A wonderful relationship, possibly marriage, the opportunity to be a mother to Suzanna.
The music helped but wasn’t enough. With it came images of a hot, sexy guy. A genuinely nice guy, who loved his little girl. A guy who, by his own admission, liked her. By his actions let her know he was interested in pursui
ng a relationship with her. By his kiss opened a part of her that had been frozen and afraid, and made her want him. Him and all that he could offer.
What was stopping her? He lived next door. From the sound of it, he was awake and on his balcony tonight. It was late. Suzanna was probably fast asleep. All she had to do was step through the door, tell him she was sorry she ran, and put the ball in his court.
She threw back the covers before she could second-guess her actions, but stopped on her side of the doors and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Slipping out of the shoulder of her T-shirt, her hands went to her breast, fingers exploring the U-shaped scar. The areas around the incisions tingled. Some of her breast had normal sensation, but the nerves around the incisions and reconstructed nipple didn’t. If a man touched here there, what would she feel? What would he feel?
The nipple on her other real breast hardened. Just thinking about a man’s hands on her body aroused her. It had been so long since she’d been with a man. She liked sex, wanted it, needed it. She missed it.
Did she want to go through her life without ever having a normal sexual experience? Cash didn’t see very well, but there was nothing wrong with his other senses. Would his lack of sight and her altered breasts make a difference to either one of them?
She groaned aloud. Was she seriously contemplating making a move on her neighbor because he couldn’t see her disfigurement, or because he was the hottest thing since sliced white bread and turned her on? She groaned again.
“Kate?” his voice called softly. “Are you awake?”
Damn.
Not giving herself time to think, she dropped her hands, pushed the French doors wide, and stepped out onto the balcony.
Cash leaned his hip against the railing closest to her. He wore loose fitting sweats that hung below his waist. No band of briefs—a thought which made her lick her lips. Taking advantage of the fact he couldn’t see where her eyes stalled, she looked her fill. He was a large man—everywhere. A glass of amber liquid in his hand, chest naked, muscles and ridges exposed. Sexy. Male. Desirable.
A Little Night Music Page 9