by Jami Denise
The kids had done as I asked and were already in the truck, strapped in and ready to go.
I pulled out my cell phone and sent a quick message to Royal before I hit the road.
"I suggest you let any and everything your mother says go in one ear and out the other."
All I needed was for her to fill his head full of bad advice. We'd end up divorced before the end of the week if that were the case.
His reply was instant.
"What? Why? What'd she say?"
I let out a bitter laugh.
"Too much."
My phone rang just as I turned the ignition, so I ripped out the key and answered.
"She's on my last nerve, Royal."
He sighed. "I'm sorry. Just ignore her, okay. I do."
I shook my head, more frustrated and angry than I'd been all weekend. "Everyone will have their say, but this is us. Me and you. I don't want to leave Benji here anymore. We need to talk about it."
He was silent for a minute, and I thought he’d argue. But, again, he surprised me. "That's fine. Are we going to talk this week? I don't want to wait."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. "Yeah, I'm ready to talk. I'm not promising anything, Royal."
"Okay. That's all I ask. I love you. Give the kids kisses from me and be safe."
I hung up and laid my head against the steering wheel.
"How about we stop for tacos on the way home? Mommy doesn't feel like cooking again."
The cheers from the back seat were all the answer I needed.
Chapter 13
Royal and I agreed to meet later that week to talk. We decided to meet at a restaurant so we’d be on even ground. We’d had several blow-outs, and if we were ever going to get through things, we had to be calm.
I got there early, so I waited in the car until I saw his truck pull up about five minutes later. I watched through the side mirror as he flipped down the visor and ran his hands through his hair a few times. It made me smile. In a way, this all felt like a blind date. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.
Instead of waiting, I got out and walked over to the truck to meet him. He looked better, more rested, and the lines around his eyes weren’t so severe. It made me feel good to see him that way. At first, I’d wanted him to hurt like I was. I didn’t want that anymore. I loved him and realized it hurt me just as much to see him hurting.
"I hope you're still hungry," I said and gave him a quick hug. "My mom said you just left their house.”
“I should’ve known Maggie would call you as soon as I left. I told her we were having dinner, but she had pineapple upside down cake. You know I can’t resist her cake.”
I chuckled. "You can’t resist any cake. How’d it go with my dad?"
He was thoughtful for a minute. “Good, actually. He always knows what to say, you know. They're just worried about us."
"I know." I sighed and looked up at him and smiled. "I'm glad you had a good day."
The hostess seated us quickly, even though the place was packed. We sat silently reading over the menus after we ordered our drinks. You could cut the tension with a knife. Finally, he cleared his throat and put his menu to the side. I wasn’t the only one not interested in eating, apparently.
"I miss you, Jenna."
"I miss you, too. The kids miss you. They had a good time last night. Skylar said you took them out for ice cream. She couldn't remember the last time you did that."
I was still hiding behind the menu, so he reached over and pushed it away. "Talk to me, please."
I put it down and smiled nervously. "I don't know where to start. It feels so weird, doesn't it? I don't want it to be like this."
"So, don't let it. Just tell me what to do, Jenna. Why are you so unhappy?"
"Why are you so unhappy? Something changed, and until you tell me what it is, nothing will get better."
"I'm unhappy because you kicked me out of the house, Jenna. I'm unhappy that you're not happy. I don't know what you want from me."
I looked back down at the menu and shook my head. "I've told you over and over again, but you don't listen. I don’t want you around Lana. I don’t like her, and I don’t trust her. Did you know she said something at Tara’s party about us only getting married because I got pregnant? She said that in front of your girls.”
He rubbed at his eyes and groaned. "Abbie told me. I don't think she meant it the way it came out, Jenna. Truthfully, we did get married because of the baby, but we would have gotten married anyway, just like we planned."
My hands fisted on top of the table, my knuckles white with the pressure. "Why do you always stick up for her? She's a nasty, hateful bitch, Royal. Are you seriously that gullible? I don't want our kids thinking we had some shotgun wedding. She was completely inappropriate!"
A few heads turned as my voice got louder, but I ignored them.
So much for not having a scene.
"I'll talk to her, okay?"
I shook my head, my hair flying wildly around my head. "No,” I demanded. “Don’t talk to her. That’s what I want, is for you to not talk to her again. It’s not okay for you to have a relationship with her. How would you feel if things were turned around?"
"I get it, okay. I’ll call her and tell her we can't talk. Done. I have no problem with it, Jenna. She’s just a friend, and that's it. It doesn't matter one way or the other, honestly, and if that's what it takes, it's a done deal."
"Thank you." My voice cracked a bit, I was so overwhelmed.
He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "Jenna, listen to me. If I thought it was going to cause this much trouble, I would’ve done things differently. I swear I never meant to hurt you."
I sniffed and pulled my hand away. "Don't you understand? You were hurting me before she came back. You've been distant and cold for a while. I think we need counseling, Royal. We need help to heal this."
He took a deep breath and lowered his head. “I don’t really want to deal with all that shit, Jenna. If it’s something you insist on, I guess I’ll go with it, but I don’t think it’s necessary.”
I smiled. It was small, but triumphant. "I know this isn't something we expected to do, but I think it's worth a shot.”
The waitress joined us, interrupting the moment, but I was relived. I needed a minute to get a handle on things. He agreed to get rid of Lana, and that was the biggest hurdle.
We ordered—not that I was even hungry—but at least we were talking. The food was basically a prop at that point.
"I want to talk to you about the kids, too. I know it was harsh of me to give you a schedule, and I'm sorry, but like I said, I don't know what to do."
“That’s why I need to be home. No one knows what the fuck to do, but you know it’s better for everyone if I’m there.”
I wrung my hands in front of me, nervous and agitated. "I don't think it is, Royal. I'm sorry, but I need to get things straight in my own head. You need to do some thinking, too. If I'm wrong, then I'll take the blame for it, but that's why I think we need to talk to a professional. Jason gave me numbers for some therapists...”
He cut me off. By the look on his face, he’d been waiting for me to bring up Jason.
"Speaking of the great doctor, I don't see how that's any different than me talking to Lana.”
"You really don't see the difference? Really? Okay, I'll spell it out. I have never had sex with Jason. That's the difference.”
He scoffed. "It all comes back to sex, right? Jenna, I've told you a thousand times over I wish I'd never slept with anyone but you, but that's not the way it is. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't know to wait for you, understand? I was a teenager, and shit happens. I had sex with other girls. So fucking sorry."
"That's not what I'm talking about," I huffed. "This is exactly what I mean. You don't listen to me and getting defensive is getting us nowhere.”
He fell back against the chair and narrowed his eyes. “I listen, but what I hear is that you’re
spending all this time with this old man and giving me a bunch of shit about an old friend. That sound about right?”
“First of all, he is dating Abbie. I’m not spending time with him. There is nothing there, Royal. Not like you and Lana. There’s history there, history that I don’t feel comfortable with. There’s no reason to worry about Jason. He’s just a friend, that’s all. We’re never alone, he doesn’t call me at all times of the night and he definitely never kisses me in parking lots. Did you hear all of that?”
"I find out you are alone with him, and I’ll beat the fuck out of that old man.”
I rolled my eyes. He was being childish, and ridiculous. “Fine. Can we get back to talking about us again please?”
The waitress brought our food, and we spent a few minutes eating quietly. I still felt like things were off. Tensions were high again, and it didn’t feel like we were making a lot of progress. I decided to bite the bullet and lay it all out once and for all. Otherwise, we’d be ping-ponging insults across the table all night long.
“I need to know what happened that night, Royal.”
He dropped his fork and looked up at me. “I didn’t kiss her. I didn’t encourage her, either.”
"I know you didn’t kiss her, but as far as encouraging her—she needs no encouragement. She doesn’t care. She was just waiting for a blink of weakness, and then she pounced. She always did that, and she’s still the same.”
He took a sip of his water and cleared his throat. "It was completely innocent, like I said. She was just saying good night. She kissed Glenn, too. It was just a friendly peck."
"Unacceptable, Royal. If someone kissed me, or even blew a damn kiss at me, you'd kill them. Can't you understand how I feel? You’re mine, and it pisses me off that she's taking liberties with my things!"
He barked out a laugh. I was bright red, furious and a little embarrassed at my outburst, but he just didn’t get it. It was killing me to be away from him.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I whispered. “You’re more than a thing—you’re my life.”
"Baby, I am your thing, and I always have been. I don't want it any other way."
Tears threatened to fall, but we were finally making traction. I didn’t want that to stop, so I sucked them back, took a deep breath, and trudged forward.
"As long as you understand how deadly serious I am about this. She's nothing but trouble, and I think you know it as well as I do. I wouldn't put it past her to try to get between us. She's done it before, and she'll do it again. Mark my words; call me paranoid, I don't care. This time, though, I'm not some naïve girl that she can intimidate and bully. She can't use her games on me anymore because they won’t work. I'm not going anywhere."
"Okay," he said softly.
In his eyes, I saw the determination. He pulled his phone from his pocket, his eyes never wavering, and dialed a number before laying it on the table in front of us, speaker on. It only took seconds until there was a chirp of a voice on the other side.
"Lana, there's something we need to talk about."
She paused before replying. "Is everything okay? You sound weird."
He sighed. "Look, I don't know how to say this without being a dick, so I'll just say it. I'm married, Lana, and frankly, there's no reason for us to hang out anymore. I'm not the same guy you knew, and I need to think about the people I love. I'll follow through with my obligation to your project, but that's it. I have a family to protect, and my friendship with you is hurting them. I won't lose my family. It’s not worth it. Nothing is."
She was eerily silent on the other line, and I thought she'd hung up. "That's fine, Royal. I understand. I wish it was different—it was nice catching up, but I get it. She's your wife. She has every right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. I'll talk to you later."
She hung up, and he slipped his phone back in his pocket. My eyes filled with tears and I started to shake.
"Thank you.”
He got up and scooted into the booth next to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
"Shh, Jenna. Don't thank me for doing something I should’ve done a long time ago. I'm sorry. I'm a fool."
"You are," I sniffled. “A big stupid idiot is what you are.”
He smiled against my hair and kissed the top of my head. "Can we put this behind us now? Is this over?"
I sighed, and my stomach dropped. It wasn’t over, not yet.
"I still think we should give it a little time. I'm not ready yet, Royal. Like I said, it's not just Lana. There's so much more we have to work on. Are you going to come home and sleep on the couch again? Ignore the family and work all the time? Can you promise you won't do those things? I don't want to go back to what we were doing to each other. It's not healthy, and we weren't happy.”
"Forget being unhappy—I’m fucking miserable,” he growled, gripping me tighter.
“I am too,” I said softly. “But I wasn’t happy before, either. This was our wake-up call. We need to work through this, or it’ll only get worse. I just need some more time.”
"How long?"
I shook my head and looked up at him with sad eyes. “I don’t know.”
I honestly didn’t know. There wasn’t a manual for this stuff.
“I miss being with you and the kids. I miss my home.”
I choked down the lump in my throat. “I know you do. We miss you too. I don’t know what to do.”
He pulled back and scowled. “I need to see the kids more often. A few days isn’t enough.”
I snapped back. “Think about it, Royal. You see, the kids more now than you did when you were home, and it’s only been a week. That’s exactly what I’ve been telling you. You need to make them a priority. No more missing games or school things or dinners. You have to show up for your family.”
"You’re right, but if something comes up, I can see them whenever, right?"
I smiled. "Of course.” I rubbed my hands over my face and laughed humorlessly. “God, we’re really screwed up.”
"We'll fix it, okay? Together, we'll fix it."
"So you’ll agree to see a therapist?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded. “I’m not crazy about the idea, but I’ll be there. Name the time and place and I’ll be there.”
"I better get home and feed the kids,” I told him.
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. "It's going to be really hard to watch you drive away, knowing I can't come with you."
I sniffed again. "I know. How is it at your mom's?"
He groaned and sat back. "I talked to her. I told her to shut her mouth about things, and Glenn did too. She thinks I'm turning into my dad—she actually fucking said that to me."
"I don't even know what to say to that, Royal. I'm sorry."
He shrugged, squeezing my hand on the table. "Let's just tell everyone to stay out of it. That includes Abbie. I know she means well, and I'm grateful she's been there for you, but I'm going to strap her to the front of my truck if she doesn't get off my balls."
I laughed. "I'll talk to her, but I promise you nothing. It was your big idea to make her your assistant. I knew you two would end up killing each other. You're like her brother, Royal. She's hurting a lot.”
Silence fell over us, and I stared at the untouched plates in front of us.
"I should get going," I said again.
He rubbed at his chest and flinched, and I’d never felt worse. If I didn’t get out of there, I would never leave.
Once we paid our bill, boxed up the leftovers, and said our goodbyes, I headed home—with him following. As I pulled into the driveway and watched him wave from the curb before driving off, I felt empty. More empty than I’d felt in my life.
Chapter 14
As the weeks went by, it got harder and harder to deal with having Royal away from us. We'd already made an appointment to see a counselor, and he seemed responsive to the idea—which surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and frankly
, I was a little scared. The whole idea was intimidating. Pouring my soul out to a complete stranger and admitting all my shortcomings and faults wasn’t going to be pleasant.
Two weeks after our talk at the restaurant, Macy called from Sarah's, angry and unreasonable, begging me to pick her up. Royal had no words—no explanation.
It was becoming evident that she needed to talk to someone as well. Of course, she flat out refused. She was as hard-headed as her father, and with the possibility that she’d be going off to college in less than a year, I was afraid they’d never repair their relationship.
I’d been able to avoid Sarah, and that was another thing I’d have to deal with, eventually. It seemed that Royal and I had completely screwed up the entire dynamic of the family. Everyone was sullen and bitter, fighting and complaining, or just not talking at all.
It was such a fucking mess.
* * *
One of the few things I could honestly say had come out of our separation in a positive way was Royal and Benji. They’d always been close, but they’d become inseparable. Royal made sure he was there as often as possible, and they spent honest to goodness quality time together. It made my heart happy.
I tried to keep myself busy while Royal and Benji played in the backyard, but I couldn't help myself and kept stealing peeks out the kitchen window at them. They were cute beyond measure.
I stared at the stick for almost thirty minutes.
Two little lines.
I was more than familiar with the device. I'd seen the same results numerous times—four to be exact, but I was still shocked.
Positive.
I was pregnant.
We'd almost given up hope. We wanted at least one more baby, but we hadn't had any luck. I'd chalked it up to God telling us we'd been lucky enough. We had three beautiful, healthy daughters; it was more than we could've hoped for.
We'd talk about it sometimes late at night in the darkness of our room. When we lost Teddy, something in Royal disappeared. He'd had so many hopes and ideas he'd share with his son. I felt the lack of a father in his life made him want that relationship more.