“Please, Eric. Tomorrow at one,” she said. She didn’t wait for him to shut her down, to say no one more time. She didn’t have anything left in her to beg of him, so she pulled open the door and stepped out, shutting it behind her. She stepped down on shaky legs, seeing Mary-Margaret striding up the walkway, holding out her arms. Abby went into them.
Chapter 27
“He may not come, you know,” she said. She was so nervous that she ran her fingers through her hair again, the hair she’d brushed until it shone. She’d tied it back and then set it down, then braided it and then brushed it out again. After all that, she had left it loose and simply tucked it behind her ears. She chose the pink blouse and the jean skirt that fell to her knees. She stuck her bare feet in her flats and shivered in her thin coat all the way to the doctor’s office.
“Abby, you just got here. Take a breath. You look very nice, by the way,” Dr. Blaney said. He smiled and linked his hands together.
Abby paced and set her palm over her heart, which was pounding like a freight train down the tracks. “Do you think Eric will like the way I look?” She tried to smile but couldn’t. She was so nervous.
“It’s more important how you feel about yourself, Abby, that you’re happy with you.”
She flushed a bit and gripped her shaking hands together as she paced back and forth. She blew out a breath and shook her damp hands out.
“You’re nervous,” he said.
“Of course. Isn’t this make or break? I mean, I’m really going all out, here, after what I did,” she said. A knock on the door had her jumping and facing it.
Dr. Blaney got up and set his palm in the air, gesturing for her to calm down. He touched her arm. “Breathe,” he said.
He then opened the door, and Abby turned around and felt her heart drop to her knees. Eric stood in the doorway in his black coat, looking as handsome as ever, clean shaven. She couldn’t help noticing the gray threading his short, dark hair. She always knew when he was getting ready to deploy, except now she had no idea if he’d be gone tomorrow or for how long. It was a horrible feeling to be cut out of someone’s life, her children’s lives, even though she had been the one who walked away.
“Eric, you made it. Come in,” Dr. Blaney said.
Eric wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t shake the doctor’s hand. Abby just watched him as he stepped inside without saying a word, and Dr. Blaney closed the door.
Abby didn’t know what to do. The man she loved more than her next breath stood a few feet from her, but it seemed as if there was a concrete wall between them, and she had no idea how to break through it. “Thank you for coming,” she said.
He looked at her and said nothing, then inclined his head. Abby shot a pleading look at the doctor.
“Eric, why don’t we all sit down?” Dr. Blaney said. He gestured to the sofa, and Abby had to fight the urge to race over and sit down, hoping and praying as she walked over that Eric would sit right beside her. Her legs were shaking, every part of her trembling as she lowered herself to the edge. She noticed Eric standing, looking at the sofa and taking a seat at the opposite end, and her heart crumbled a little more.
Dr. Blaney was sitting across from her, and she reached out to him with her gaze as if he was the only one who could keep her from drowning. At one time, that had been Eric.
“Abby, aren’t there some things you wanted to share with Eric?” he reminded her kindly—a nice icebreaker, maybe.
She had to swallow again and then reached for a glass, filling it from the pitcher of water on the table in front of her. She took a sip to clear the dryness and then slid around so she could see Eric, perched on the edge of the sofa, her spine stiff as she sat straight and unbending. “When you found me, you became my savior,” she said. Her voice caught when he frowned, his eyebrows pulling in as if what she was saying made no sense to him. “Oh, I’m making a mess of this, aren’t I?” She set her hands on her cheeks, feeling them warm.
“Abby, it’s okay. Just tell Eric what you told me. Take your time,” Dr. Blaney said.
She had to swipe at her eyes, which were forever damp. Tears popped out more and more lately, and she could feel the familiar burn, the puffiness under her eyes, how sensitive the skin was from her constantly wiping it. She somehow found the courage to look over at Eric. He was leaning forward now, resting his arms on his knees. His expression had softened, but she could tell his iron guard was up. She’d hurt him so badly.
“You made me feel safe,” she said. “When you were there with me, it would be okay. I could push it out of my mind, you know… what happened, what he did to me. It would sneak up on me, but I would just have to look for you and I could breathe. I told myself it was best to just push it out of my mind, to just forget it, not dwell on it, and it worked for a while.” She had to take a breath. She was having trouble getting her thoughts together, as everything, her memories and what she wanted to say, was slipping to the surface one after the other, too fast. She couldn’t sort through everything quickly enough to know what to say first.
“Abby, do you need to take a break?” the doctor asked.
She shook her head. “I have to say this or I won’t have the courage again. Eric, you were my safety net, and when I lay in your arms at night, the nightmare would try to find a way in, but I would just snuggle in closer with my head resting on your shoulders, and I could feel your strength and I took it for me, and then I could sleep. But it was so hard when you were gone. I spent a lot of nights in the corner with a blanket, just watching the door, and I slept only a few minutes here and there. The darkness would sneak up on me. It got worse before I had Charlie. I’d look at Rachel and catch a glimpse from the side of my eye, and there was Seyed. I’d see him, and it terrified me.”
Eric was breathing so hard his nostrils were flaring. He was irritated—she knew his moods well—and whatever she’d said, he had taken it the wrong way. Abby was at a loss. She didn’t understand where she had gone wrong.
“Abby, you’re looking a little freaked out right now,” the doctor said as he gestured for her to calm down. “Eric, is there something you need to say to Abby?”
Eric rubbed his hand roughly across his chin and then gestured to her. “You know what I don’t get, Abby? Not once did you tell me any of this. I would have gotten you some help.”
“I couldn’t tell you!” she said. “I’m a military wife. I was told we’re not supposed to worry our men, because a worried soldier is a dead one. I kept it to myself, and I did the best I could. When you came home for those few months each time, you helped ground me so I could get some sleep, and by the time you had to go out on deployment again, I was okay.”
Eric was watching her as if she were speaking a language he didn’t understand. She didn’t know what to do, as she could feel him slipping away, and she’d never be able to get him back.
“I don’t know what happened when I had Charlie, but the nightmare that I could always wake myself from became real,” she said. “It sucked me into it as if I was reliving it.”
Eric was rubbing his chin again, looking away. She was furious that she couldn’t reach him, make him understand.
“If I get down on my knees and beg you, will you forgive me? Will you stop hating me?” she cried out. She started to get down on her knees in front of him as she wept.
“Abby, stop.” He reached for her trembling arm, and she just stood in front of him, her arms hanging loosely, feeling the life drain out of her.
“I couldn’t tell you, Eric, because I didn’t want you to know what he did to me. He kept me chained like an animal. He raped me. Did you want the details of how he took me so hard I would bleed, but he wasn’t done with me? He’d make me take him in my mouth over and over, and then he’d beat me until I passed out, and then it would start all over again: the humiliation, the control, telling me what I could think. I would have to crawl on all fours, naked, in front of him and his other men as entertainment, and then you know what he’d do to me while all the men
laughed and I screamed in agony, pleading for him to stop?”
“Enough!” Eric shouted. He stood up so fast, his hands gesturing wildly, with such force, that Abby jumped.
“It’ll always be here,” she said, touching her head. “I can’t get it out. If I could cut those memories from my brain, if there were some medical procedure to remove every part of that nightmare, I would be the first in line, but there isn’t. All I can do is find a way to walk through that hell, and I am, but it’s you and Charlie and Rachel that I see in the cloud on the horizon, all the good, and I’m fighting so hard to get there, to get back to you. You are the only good thing that has happened to me!”
Abby was trembling, and she felt embarrassed. She wrapped her arms around her middle and had to look away when Eric shut his eyes. “I shouldn’t have told you that,” she said. “I’m sorry. Now I’ve given you those memories when they shouldn’t be in either of our heads.”
“No, Abby, come on. You should have told me,” Eric said. “I can’t have secrets.”
“Maybe so, Eric, but you can’t command a ship if you’re worrying about me and what I’m going through. I couldn’t have lived with myself if something happened to you because of me or something I said that caused you to worry.”
He was closer now, and she wondered, if she reached out and touched him, would he flinch and pull away? She was afraid to find out.
“I can’t trust you with the children,” he said.
She choked on the sob that burst out, fighting to hold it back. She felt her knees weaken when she realized he’d never let her near her children again, and that thought was almost too much to bear. She lowered herself to the sofa, crying, and set her hands over her face until she felt his hand touch her shoulder. It was instinctive when she reached up and took his hand, holding tight, fearing if she let him go, he’d be gone forever.
“But I won’t turn my back on you, either,” he said.
Abby stood up and threw herself against him, sobbing as she wrapped her arms around his waist, her face buried in his chest, soaking the dark shirt he wore. He set his arms around her tenderly, softly at first, and he held her.
Chapter 28
“So how did it go?” Terri asked. She was watching him from where she rocked his son, feeding him from his bottle.
He could see her shyness, her worry. She reads people well, he thought to himself. He didn’t know what to say. They’d discussed it before he left to see the shrink, and it had been Terri who persuaded him to go. Eric had disagreed, thinking it wasn’t a good idea. He’d had enough pain and heartache and just didn’t want to go down that road again, but yesterday, after Abby’s visit, a gray shroud had been cast over Thanksgiving and the wonderful meal Terri had worked so hard to prepare.
“Do you remember what I said to you this morning?” She interrupted his thoughts as she leaned in the doorway. Rachel was playing with the wooden blocks Abby had given her last Christmas, the ones with unicorns and fairies painted on the sides. He glanced around the room, really noticing Abby’s touches.
“You know, Abby didn’t want to spend a lot of money,” he said. “She never asked for anything, and when she decorated this room, she painted those.” He gestured to rough paintings on the wall. “They’re those paint by numbers for children that she picked up at a yard sale from the free box: the unicorn, the butterfly, the hearts. I laughed at her when I got home and never understood why she kept trying to create something out of nothing. I shouldn’t have laughed at her. Rachel loves them.” Eric was having trouble looking at Terri as he took in everything in the bedroom: the six-drawer dresser she had painted white, Rachel’s ladybug piggy bank on the dresser, all from Abby. She was everywhere in this house, and he’d pushed it from his mind. “You said that unless I go, I can never be over her, that I can’t move on,” he said.
When he did look at Terri, he could see how she was fighting to hold on to the tears glazing her eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I never wanted to hurt you, not you. You’ve been there for me and my children from the beginning. You’re my friend, the person I never wanted to hurt, but this is such a mess.”
She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear slipped out. Just as quickly, she pulled herself together and smiled down at Charlie as he drifted to sleep in her arms, the nipple from the bottle slipping from his lips.
“Daddy, Cherry!” Rachel said as she held up a block, a big goofy grin on her face.
Terri gestured. “She’s named the unicorn on that block Cherry.”
“Hey, baby girl, that’s a beautiful name,” Eric said. He leaned against the changing table and crossed his arms.
“I guess it’s a good thing nothing more happened between us and you decided to sleep on the sofa,” Terri said.
He didn’t know why she said it like that, because when he had touched Terri and kissed her, there had still been intimacy, even though he’d never slept with her. She knew better than him that Abby was a ghost between them. She’d stayed, she’d wanted him, but she hadn’t pushed.
“You’re an amazing woman. Any man would be lucky to have you,” he said.
“Just not you, right? I knew I was playing with fire, but I fell in love with you,” she said, whispering just loudly enough that he could hear.
Eric felt like absolute crap. He knew she cared for him, and if he was honest, he had known she was falling in love with him and had done nothing to discourage her. He was a selfish bastard who had been looking for a replacement for his wife. Maybe, at the time, he couldn’t have admitted the truth, but the ugly mess was now being dumped in front of him.
“I didn’t say it to make you feel bad,” she said.
“I do feel bad, and you should make me feel bad. Terri, I care about you so much, and I want to be friends.…”
She started shaking her head as she stood up carefully with a sleeping Charlie and set him in his crib, covering him with his quilt. She handed Eric the bottle and glanced down at Rachel. “No, Eric, we can’t. It’s better if I just go. When are you bringing Abby back?”
He could feel his cheek twitching. His arms were crossed, and she must have known this was what he didn’t want to share. “Today,” he said. “She’s next door at Joe and Mary-Margaret’s.”
Terri shut her eyes and shook her head. She stepped toward him and set a hand on his arm. “You left her there to come and talk to me. Does she know?”
Of course she knew, sort of. He’d told her in the doctor’s office that Terri was watching the kids, but he had stopped himself when he saw the hurt on Abby’s face, even though she said she understood. He knew she had picked up on the significance, but she didn’t know he’d planned to move Terri in, for her to step in as a mother to Rachel and Charlie, to one day make her his wife, share a life, a friendship, even though he could never love her the way he loved Abby. No, he couldn’t do that. When he shared a knowing look with Dr. Blaney, he suspected the man knew, as well. “Not everything,” he said.
Terri shut her eyes for a second as she let out a breath and then opened them again, giving him a look that couldn’t hide her heartbreak. “Well then, don’t tell her. She won’t hear it from me.”
Eric reached out to touch her, but she stepped away, inclining her head and giving it a little shake. “Don’t.”
“I’d still like to be friends. I care about you,” he said. He was such a bastard, selfish, and he wanted to kick himself, do anything to take the hurt from Terri, a pain she didn’t deserve and that he was responsible for.
“No, we can’t be friends. You need to give everything to your wife and figure out what you’re going to do. You can’t call me or talk to me, because I love you, and it’ll kill me to have to listen and watch from the sidelines while you fix your marriage.” She let out a pitiful little laugh. “It was my own fault. You’re married. I knew you were married. I chose to ignore it.” She started out of the bedroom and then stopped. “I really hope it works out for you, Eric, and for Abby. She seems like
a very nice person.”
“She is,” he said gruffly. He watched as Terri gathered her coat and purse and slipped out the front door.
Chapter 29
Abby had been trying to get her milk to come back for the past week. Every day, she rocked Charlie and offered him her breast, but he’d quickly give up in frustration. He wasn’t interested in waiting when he was hungry. She’d heard it was possible to bring your milk back and had been encouraged to try by Mary-Margaret after she pulled up article after article outlining how some moms had. Even though she felt the familiar drops of milk filling her breasts, Charlie still wasn’t getting anything significant. She glanced up at Mary-Margaret, who walked into her living room with a bottle for Charlie.
“Anything?” she asked.
“He’s getting so frustrated. How long do I keep trying before I have to admit it’s not going to work?” Abby reached for the bottle, and Charlie quickly opened his mouth and started sucking on the warm formula.
“You’ve only been trying a week. How does it feel?”
“It feels like it’s there. It wants to come in,” she said, shrugging as she pulled her top closed while she balanced the bottle with her chin.
“Well, maybe try pumping, too, and get Eric to give you a hand.”
She looked up at Mary-Margaret and the sly grin on her face. “You’re so bad,” she said. “Besides, he hasn’t touched me. I don’t think a man can get farther away in a queen-size bed. My God, if I accidentally touch his leg in bed, he pulls away and apologizes.” She blushed when she realized what she’d shared.
“Oh, that’s not good.” Mary-Margaret rolled her eyes. “Would have hoped he’d have gotten past all the politeness.”
Abby couldn’t believe she had noticed. Maybe the expression on her face said so, because Mary-Margaret immediately gasped and then waved wildly with her hands in front of her.
“No, no, sorry, it’s just that Joe and I noticed. I mean, how could we not? He’s been treating you like a piece of porcelain―”
Vanished (The Saved Series, A Military Romance) Page 11