by Ashley Logan
Our first kiss. The one I’d secretly hoped for since my teenage hormones woke up and saw Andy as more than just my friend from next door. The kiss that made all of my dreams seem possible until he pulled away and ran to his family’s car that was loaded up with so much gear that his things were even strapped to the roof racks. The car that drove Andy Coulson out of my life.
He was always out of my league. At first I’d thought that kiss was a sign that we’d closed the gap, but when his parents returned without him, his Dad had blatantly warned me off. He’d reminded me that Andy was on the path to becoming a man, and that I shouldn’t take it personally if he didn’t have time for me anymore. He was in college now and would be busy meeting new girls, and learning new things in a life that small town Franklinville just couldn’t give him.
I got his meaning loud and clear. I was trash and his boy was destined for better. Andy wasn’t just out of my league; he was off-limits.
Flashing forward a few years to now, the usual unpleasant chill created by that warning runs down my spine. Andy is still so off-limits.
“You didn’t ruin anything,” I reassure him. “You had your whole life ahead of you, and you deserved a chance to start it fresh. I couldn’t afford to keep the phone anyway. Things were pretty tight; even then.”
Staring at me a moment, Andy’s gaze shifts to look around the room again. His eyes grow distant and I wonder if he’s remembering something from our youth. My mom in the kitchen making us fresh cookies after school, maybe.
Lowering his chin to his chest, he sighs softly. “Still. I don’t understand why Mom or Dad didn’t tell me. I would’ve come to pay my respects. There must have been something I could’ve done to help,” he says, his eyes filling with sadness as he searches my face. “You must have felt so alone.”
Clenching my jaw, I swallow the lump in my throat. “I wasn’t alone. There are five of us.”
Andy’s eyebrows tilt to make him appear even more upset. “You were so young. Too young for that responsibility.”
Sighing, I push up from the table, unable to look at his face any longer without feeling not only the pain of those years, but everything I’ve lost. “I was holding this family together long before then. Mom was never the same after Daddy left. Who do you think made sure everyone was dressed and ready for nursery, or school? Who made sure the clothes were clean and the dinner was made? Mom was purely for show. I’m only grateful that she held on until I was old to become their legal guardian.” Brushing a tear from my cheek and squashing my anger back down, I look at the clock. “I’m sorry, Andy. I’ve got a lot to do while the kids are out,” I lie, making a determined dash to the front door and taking his coat from the hook. “I’m really glad to hear your career is going well. Your parents must be very proud. I know it was very important to them. And you.”
His big blue eyes search mine as he takes the coat from me. Avoiding his gaze, I open the door. “Have a wonderful Christmas. Oh, did you want to take some cookies? I kind of went over-board.”
Dropping his coat, Andy wraps his arms around me, pressing me to him. It would be so easy to crumble; to cling to him and cry against his soft shirt, releasing the years of pain and anguish. But to what end?
Refusing to break, I stand stiffly within his grasp.
Holy smoke he smells good. What is that? Tree sap? The Coulsons probably bought their tree today. They always did pay for the best one in town. It would be a floor to ceiling vision; nature’s own masterpiece with perfectly balanced branches that’d make our sad replica look even more pathetic.
Pushing back from him, I try to ignore the flood of fantasies I’d had as a younger person as they bombard me. I cannot be in Andy Coulson’s arms, no matter how many of those fantasies started like this.
“Thanks for stopping by Andy. I’ve often wondered how you were doing,” I admit, looking him over one last time. “You did a great job growing up too. Wait here?”
Before he can respond, I rush back to the kitchen, returning with two tins of cookies. I thrust them into his arms before he can hug me again. Frowning, he starts to hand them back, but I push them towards him, suddenly needing him to take my cookies, because they’re the only part of me I can give. “Please. Take them. I used Mom’s old recipe and they’re your favorite. I want you to have them. Please.”
Looking slowly from me to the cookies, and then back again, Andy nods. “Thank you, Katarina.”
His brows lower a fraction as he’s about to say something else, but then his lips press into a thin line. Nodding again, he picks up his jacket from the floor and moves to the door. Pausing before he opens it, he meets my eyes.
“I’m heading back to New York after Christmas, but I’d like to see you again before I leave. And the others,” he adds with a smile. “I’d love to find out what everyone’s up to. Without brothers and sisters of my own, I used to pretend your family was mine too.” His cheeks color a little at the admission. “What did Tim-bones end up doing?”
“Cars,” I reply, wondering if he’s curious about what I ended up doing - not that I’d tell him the whole story. “He works with Gill in the Auto-shop.”
“Would you mind if I came by again?” he asks nervously. “Tomorrow, or Christmas eve?”
Would I mind that he still cares about my family? No. It’s nice; and so like him to care. As long as he’s not just coming to see me, it’ll be fine.
“I’m sure the gang would love to see you. You were like a big brother to them too. You could come for dinner tomorrow. If you want.”
His face brightens and that stunning smile is back. “I’ll be here. With ice-cream.”
My heart beats a bit faster as his gaze lingers on my face just a little too long. I drop my eyes to the floor. “I’ll see you around six then.”
Leaning in, he kisses my flushed cheek before retreating out the door. “Six,” he repeats with a smile in his voice. “‘Night ThunderKat.”
The door closes after him and the breath I was holding gushes out of me. Almost staggering back to the kitchen, I put the kettle on to boil as I put Andy’s cup in the dishwasher. My fingers start tapping again. Sighing, I leave the kitchen and head upstairs.
The twins have moved in together to give me my own room while I’m home. The four bedroom house has never allowed us all to have our own space, but at least when I’m gone, it does. Soon Jem will be off to college and there will be a spare room. That’ll be strange.
Flopping onto Liana’s bed, I look around her room. Adjusting the lumpy pillow behind me, I decide she definitely needs a new one. The walls are looking pretty drab too. Hopping off the bed I open her closet and flick through a few of her hangers. The combination of hand-me-downs, second-hand clothes and a few newish items should be enough for now. Until she grows again. No doubt Ros’s closet is about the same.
Opening my suitcase, I take out my travel-sized knitting bag, and move back to the bed. Getting comfortable, I select a chunky yarn with natural brown tones. Casting on, I pause momentarily, reaching for my phone and putting some music on for background noise. Settling back again, I zone out as my needles work. I’m going to have to try a new pattern soon. I could almost make these hats in my sleep now, and I need to keep my brain engaged to keep the bad thoughts from swirling as they are now. The more I think about Andy, the faster my needles click.
I should never have invited him for dinner.
CHAPTER SIX
“You’ve been knitting all morning!” Jem cries as she grabs the back of my chair and shakes it. “We’re all home now and the park has a foot of snow! It’s perfect. Let’s go.”
“I’m almost finished!” Fending her off with my elbow as she tries to grab my arm, I keep the needles working. “Seriously. Just five more minutes and we’ll go. Why don’t you make sure everyone’s dressed for it?”
Groaning at me, Jem stomps away, calling for the twins. By the time they’re assembled at the door in their winter gear, I’ve finished the hat and am donning my ow
n coat. Tim comes up behind me carrying the buckets and I can’t help but grin. All of my siblings are wearing the hats I made for them earlier in the season, and they look great. Each of us is also wearing a huge smile in anticipation of our annual family snowball fight.
“Let’s do this!” Ros shouts excitedly, always the competitor. Swinging open the door she stops short halfway through it. “Um, hi. Can I help you?” she asks cautiously as a man carrying a huge gift basket climbs our front steps.
Andy’s head pokes around the side of the basket and he studies Ros carefully. “Roslyn?” he asks with uncertainty.
Ros turns back to Tim and me, her eyes asking ‘who the hell is this guy, and how does he know my name?’
“Andy?” Tim moves forward, his hand already out to shake Andy’s.
Juggling the big cellophane wrapped basket, Andy frees a hand to do so. “Tim-bones! Great to see you, man!” Taking in each of the faces, Andy shakes his head in disbelief as Jem gives him a hug and the twins eyeball him with only vague recognition.
“I can’t believe how much you’ve all grown up.” His warm blues eyes fall on me and his smile grows impossibly bigger. “Hey ThunderKat.”
“Andy.” My voice is quiet as I try to keep it calm. “I thought I said six.” I don’t mean for it to come out as if I’m angry, but I was really counting on using that time to prepare myself for the emotional ordeal of spending time with him.
Blushing a little, Andy looks over towards his house. “You did. I know. It’s just that Dad had apparently already made plans for us tonight, and I was coming over to apologize, because I won’t be able to make it. But this is a Christmas basket, not an apology basket,” he says quickly, holding the gift basket out for Tim to take. Andy runs a hand through his hair when his hands are free. “I’m sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused,” he says, almost seeming uncomfortable as he looks at me. Shifting his gaze to the others again, his face brightens “You guys are on your way out, obviously. Where are you headed?”
“To the park!” Jem answers with the glee of a child, and I can’t help but feel warm inside. I love how easily she conjures that level of excitement; so different from me at that age. That’s what I’ve been working so hard for.
Tim holds up the buckets he’d set aside when he’d taken the gift basket inside. “It’s snowball season,” he says with a grin similar to Jem’s. “You should come! It’ll be just like old times! That is, if you’re not busy now.” Looking back to me, Tim’s grin grows. “Remember the year we teamed up against Andy, Jem and the twins? We wiped them out!”
“The twins were like, three,” I respond with an eye-roll, but I can’t help smiling a little, because Tim and I had perfectly executed a surprise attack before Andy and the girls had even had a chance to find us.
“We’ll be more help now,” Ros declares, shrugging her brows up and down.
Andy considers her carefully, before looking to me for confirmation.
“Ros is a pitcher.”
Nodding in approval, Andy grins at her. “You can definitely be on my team then. Have you been taught the secret handshake?” he asks seriously.
“Of course,” Ros says, holding out her hand. Andy takes it, shakes it, bumps it, thumps it and taking Ros’s hand, spins her like a ballerina until she comes to face him again, then they both pull a muscle pose and growl through their teeth.
“Perfect,” Andy says, grinning. Jumping back down the steps, he gestures at us from the bottom. “Come on! Let’s go!”
The others follow his lead, Tim and Ros both doing air-kicks as they jump from the steps. Still at the top, I run my eyes over Andy. He’s wearing boots and jeans with his puffer jacket. The rest of us are fully waterproof.
“You’re going to get wet and freeze.”
Andy looks down at himself, and then over his shoulder to his house. The hint of a frown darkens his face. Returning his eyes to mine, he shrugs and gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’ll be fine. I’ll change when I get home.”
My eyes raise to the Coulson place and I feel my own brows knit together as I wonder why he doesn’t just run home and change quickly. Probably his dad will make up some other excuse to keep him there instead of letting his precious son have some fun with the neighborhood riff-raff; or maybe just to keep Andy away from me. Mr. Coulson needn’t worry about that anymore though. His previous interventions have rendered any relationship between Andy and me impossible. Mission accomplished asshole; my friend was lost and my dream was shattered. Anger wells up inside me.
Jogging back into the house, I grab the hat I’ve just finished, tossing it to Andy as I shut the door and trot down the steps after the others.
“Thanks,” he says, looking at it closely and grinning as he pulls it down over his ears. “Did you make this?”
“Yeah. It’s yours. Merry Christmas.”
“I love it,” he says, his voice making my eyes snap to his. My breath catches and a sense of dread accompanies the heat in my face. Giving a brief nod, I rush ahead to catch up with the twins.
This is bad. I cannot feel things for Andy Coulson. Just play it safe, Kat. He’ll be out of your life again soon.
I use the short walk into the center of the park to gain some perspective. A brief snowball fight to give Andy time with the kids, maybe a friendly wave or two over the fence in the next few days, and then he’ll be gone again. I can do this.
“You got that Kat?” Tim asks, pelting me with a snowball to get my attention.
“Pardon?”
“You and me against all of them. The old champs vs. the old chumps.”
Nodding before I’ve really considered it, I notice Ros and Li already plotting and scheming. “Wait. They’re bigger now. And wily. I’m not sure this is a fair-”
“Too late!” Ros cuts me off. “You already agreed. Jem! Set the timer. Standard rules. All participants must engage in warfare at least twice before the survivors’ race to the bottom of the big hill. Teams get five minutes before we start to make the ammunition and discuss strategy. You guys start on that side; we’ll go over the hump. Time starts now!” She and our other opponents rush off in a mass of hushed whispers.
“Tim!” I push him ahead of me to the other side. “They’re going to have twice the ammunition.”
“And too many bosses to decide on strategy. We’re packing our bucket as fast as possible and then swinging around behind to pound ‘em before they’ve even ventured beyond the hump.”
“If they get the high ground, they’ll slam us.”
“That’s when we retreat behind the playground, reload and get up in the fort before they find us. Then we nail them.”
“And when we run out of ammo?”
“Down the slide and over to the trees. The trunks will shield us while we begin phase three of the attack. You cover me while I bury them one at a time.”
Laughing, I shake my head at him as we fill our bucket with tightly packed balls. “Have you been planning since last year?”
“You bet your ass I have. Last year you and Jem almost won. As undefeated Champ, I have a reputation to uphold. Quick,” he says, holding the bucket out for me to add two more balls. “It’s go time.”
Phase one and two work well, but sprinting for the trees whilst dressed in full snow gear, is not that easy, and while we easily leave the girls in our wake, neither of us accounted for Andy’s speed. Still in jeans, he moves much more easily.
Last down the slide, Tim is right behind me, but Andy is coming up fast. Over my shoulder, I see him catch Tim’s foot and send him face first into the snow. Doubling back, I scream at Tim to get up as I pelt Andy with freshly made balls. Seeing that the girls are almost to us, Andy shovels more snow into Tim’s face, then jumps off him, advancing on me.
Smacking him in the face with a barely formed snowball, I turn and run for my life. Hitting the trees, I weave through them as quickly as I can manage. A snowball hits a tree in front of me and I squeal, changing dir
ection, but never slowing. Another snow bullet blasts me in the back, but I keep running, because I’m almost to the crest of the big hill.
Steaming inside my gear, I stride ahead, grateful for my long legs, and for the fitness I get from dancing every day. My lungs burning, I reach the top and am about to dive when Andy slams into me.
Spinning me around, he pulls me down with him and the next thing I know, we’re both sliding to the bottom, his arms still around me.
When we come to rest in the powder at the bottom, it’s Andy that moves first because I’m frozen; and it has nothing to do with being cold.
Hovering over me with a grin, he’s breathing hard and it makes me think terrible things. Terrible, inappropriate, impossible things. His face becomes serious as he studies mine and in the next breath, he’s leaning in. He’s leaning in!
Scared back to my senses, I try to wiggle out from under him as I hear squeals of delight approaching from above. Rearing back, Andy looks down at me in confusion. More quickly, he moves off me as his eyebrows plummet again. I feel like I should explain, but he avoids my eyes, letting me off the hook. I wouldn’t know where to start with that conversation anyway.
“I’m going again!” Li yells, followed closely by Ros. They’re already running back up the hill as Tim hurtles down it. Jem is hot on his heels, but he beats her to the bottom.
“Reigning Champion!” he cries, sliding to a full stop and raising his arms in the air before collapsing back into the snow.
“Only because you pushed your little sister into a ditch!” Jem scolds him.
“All’s fair in snow war. Our whole team arrived at the bottom before yours, so we won. Suck it!”
“Charming.” Kicking snow into his face with my foot, I laugh as he sits forward to spit it out. Glaring at me a moment, he ends up laughing too as Li comes flying down the hill and crashes into him.
Pulling himself up again, he shoves a handful of snow down Li’s collar, causing her to screech and wriggle about as it melts.