by Lara Swann
Leah nods, and squares her shoulders with the same set, determined expression I remember so well from the day she left. It isn’t until she’s moving past me that I manage to process what she’s saying, and I jerk around to face her.
“That’s not what I said.” I mutter a curse and run a hand through my hair as she stops to look at me. “Fuck it, Leah. God. This is…it’s just all…I can’t even. Yes, I want it to be fucking different for you - for her. I want to know her - I want her to have a Dad. I can’t believe I even have to say it. She’s my daughter. She can have whatever she needs, I just…I want to be part of her life, too.”
I let out a long breath, surprised at my own outburst. My emotions haven’t overwhelmed me like that for years, but…well…this is something else. But finally saying it - getting it out there, admitting just how desperately her announcement that I have a kid has made me want to be involved, to be a part of my little girl’s life…it feels better than I thought it would.
It’s terrifying, and I can’t quite believe any of it, but…the idea of seeing my little girl is enough to overcome the frustration and anger of only moments before.
Leah is looking at me, and it’s painfully easy to read her expression.
“Damn, Leah - you’re actually surprised? Do you really think I’m such a bad guy?” I raise an eyebrow, folding my arms and shifting my weight against the sofa behind me as I meet her eyes.
I keep my tone light, but I can feel my heart thumping as I wait for the answer, and curse how much it seems to matter to me.
“I never thought you were a bad guy, Alistair. We just…didn’t work together.” Her voice is quieter now too - calmer, and a little sad.
Didn’t we?
There’s a lull between us, and I wonder whether she’s thinking the exact same thing. Remembering.
The wave of memories that flash through my mind tell a completely different story. The heat and passion, the way it felt like I’d finally found someone who understood me. Someone who could match my fire and ambition, give as good as she got and constantly surprise me.
We’d been in love - the kind where you fall, hard, and you’re not sure whether the fireworks and explosions will be the best show of your life or fucking destroy you, but you couldn’t stop even if you’d wanted to.
Until, despite all that, my attitude had poisoned it. I’d driven her away, all while being sure no one would ever leave me.
“I took you for granted, Leah. I’m sorry.”
I say it without thinking, the natural direction of my thoughts, but it’s what I’ve wanted to say for years.
Despite everything else - hearing I have a kid - and whatever she might have to apologize for, it still feels better than I’d ever imagined to be able to say it. To tell her I’m sorry, and I regret what happened between us.
“It was a long time ago.” She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter now.”
We both fall silent, and I can feel everything between us as if it’s a living thing, the air thick with a past that’s impossible to forget when she’s right here. I try to ignore the way some part of me still wants it to matter - wants it to be something we might want to talk about. Maybe something we could fix.
But I know that’s not what’s important anymore.
We’ve got a kid, now. Together.
That changes everything.
I’d always imagined that if I saw Leah again, it would end with me sweeping her off her feet, making her breathless and desperate until she regretted ever leaving…but I can’t risk getting it wrong this time. Not when my little girl might pay the price.
Even if that’s damn hard to admit, seeing her again like this. She still sets my blood on fire, as she always has.
I want her. I want them both.
And the idea of that sends a small thrill through me.
“So…you want to see her?” Leah asks quietly, finally breaking the silence.
I look up, meeting her eyes, and I think I smile for the first time since seeing her here.
“I do. I…god, I can’t believe it. I have a kid. A little girl.” I can hear the wonder in my own voice, and it makes me laugh. “I never pictured that. But yes, I do. When can I see her? Her name is Maddie?”
The little thrill quickly expands to excitement, and I have to stop myself from throwing questions at Leah. There’s so much I need to know.
She gives me a hesitant smile. “Yes, Maddie. Madison. After my grandmother.”
“It’s a beautiful name.” I smile again, my heart flipping a little in my chest at the thought of her.
My girl.
“I’ll…umm, I know it’s…I know it’s a lot. To take in. I’ll give you my number, and then, when you’re ready, we can talk about things?”
Leah hands me a piece of paper, and I pocket it without thinking, frowning at her.
I’m ready now.
But she’s probably right. My emotions feel volatile and all over the place right now, and we should work this out properly.
“Okay.” I say, taking a deep breath and steadying myself again.
Leah gives me another small smile, seeming relieved. I try and remind myself that I should be following her lead in this - she’s Maddie’s Mom, and knows her a hell of a lot better.
Yeah, because you never got a chance to.
I ignore the resentful thought - I’ve got a chance now, and if I let that attitude build up, it could undermine everything. It’s going to take everything I have just to adjust to the idea I have a kid.
“Okay, well, I’ll let you get back to everything.” Leah gestures vaguely to my office, looking awkward for a moment, before turning for the door.
“Wait!” It comes out before I know what I’m going to say. “Let me…take you to lunch or something?”
It’s stupid, but…I don’t want to see her go.
“I’m not…I don’t know, Alistair. I don’t want…” She pauses, and I can see her obvious hesitation, then she comes out and says it. “I didn’t come here to go back to all of that - I don’t want to be wined and dined again...or anything else…”
I can’t help thinking of the leisurely long lunches we used to take - the fine food, easy drinking and every naughty thing we did, in restaurants that probably should have kicked us out.
That wasn’t what I was suggesting, obviously, but I can’t help wishing she’d left it a little more open - for future possibilities, maybe.
But Leah is more direct than that, and I know why she’s made that boundary clear…even if it makes me itch to work my way around it. To make her beg for that anything else the way she used to do.
“No - no extravagant lunches or high-class restaurants - I didn’t mean that. It’s just…been a long time, and it’d be nice to catch up.” I say, before another thought occurs to me. “Unless you need to get back to Maddie? She’s okay, isn’t she? Where is—”
“She’s with a friend, she’s fine.” Leah says, and I can’t tell whether she’s amused or slightly offended by my concern.
“Good. Then you have the time.” I say, letting a slow smile cross my face and watching the way her expression softens, just a little.
‘I don’t want all that’…fuck that.
I can still feel it there between us. Overshadowed by everything else, maybe, but…the hint of everything we once were. Something that - if we’re not careful - could become electric far too quickly.
“Well…okay. Just a simple lunch?” She asks, caught between suspicion and reluctant interest.
“Just a simple lunch.” I promise.
And I actually mean it.
Maybe I never quite got over the Leah Jackson who walked out on me…but it’s been five years. She’s not the same person - and neither am I.
I want to start getting to know this Leah Jackson. The woman. The mother to my child.
And I want to give her the chance to get to know me for who I am now, too.
She changed me, and I’ve waited five years for the chance to show
her.
I smile back at her as I offer her my arm, lightness and energy finally replacing the weariness I’ve felt all week.
She gives me another uncertain look, but she takes it anyway, and just the contact makes my heart jump. I can feel her response, too, and the idea of that sends another little thrill through me.
I try not to let my smile turn predatory, but it’s hard to keep myself contained.
For the first time in years, I’ve got a reason to hope for something that I thought was gone for good.
Chapter Four
Leah
“Did you sneak in here or something?” Alistair asks me, following my gaze back to the trolley of cleaning supplies that I’m not sure whether to just leave. “You’re not even meant to be able to do that - no one cleans in here during the day.”
“I waited until your secretary took a bathroom break. No one notices you if you’re walking around with one of those.” I nod towards the trolley with a small smile.
“You know, most people would’ve just walked up to the desk and asked to see me.” Alistair says, amusement in his voice as he grabs his jacket from the elegant stand near the door, not letting go of my arm as he does.
Which gives me butterflies again, damn it. I’m not supposed to feel this way. It’s been years. Simply touching him shouldn’t affect me like this.
I’d forgotten how infuriatingly charming he can be.
When he wants to be.
“I tried that.” I say, trying to focus on what we’re talking about and not what he’s doing to me right now. “Apparently I’m not the kind of girl you’d date.”
“Wait, what?” Alistair stops just before the door, his expression darkening.
“Yep. If this hadn’t worked, my next great plan was to try and stalk you from outside the office. Girl could’ve at least taken a message.” I give him a quick grin, and then reach to pull his office door open myself.
He recovers quickly enough to step with me, and I can’t deny it feels good when we walk past his secretary’s desk and I see her expression slacken, her mouth opening slightly as she sees me on Alistair’s arm.
It’s petty, but I just about resist making a snarky comment, settling for looking her up and down with a sweet smile.
“Get your things together and go.” Alistair’s sharp tone takes me by surprise, and I twist to look up at him, seeing the far less forgiving expression on his face. “I want you out of the building by the time I get back.”
I stare at him, my little moment of enjoyment turning sour immediately. It’s one thing to be tempted to make a smug comment to someone who was so obviously looking down on me earlier, but…fuck. Firing her?!
Alistair didn’t even stop walking, and his momentum carries me a few paces before I stumble to a stop.
“Alistair!” I hiss at him, glancing back surreptitiously at the shell-shocked expression on the girl’s face. “You can’t—just do that. What the hell?!”
He looks at me, blinking as if he doesn’t see the problem.
Maybe he doesn’t.
Maybe firing people for no reason is just normal to him.
The typical rich, powerful asshole with no awareness of how much something like that can screw up a person’s life. But as someone who is far more accustomed to being on the other end of that kind of shitty treatment, the idea makes me feel a little nauseous.
I shift almost unconsciously, putting a little distance between us, the flickers of lust that had been stirring earlier disappearing entirely.
This is why you—
“Oh c’mon, relax Leah.” He gives a quick laugh, obviously not understanding my sudden change of mood. “She’s a temp - she was going to be gone at the end of the day anyway. So what if it was a little quicker? I doubt I’m coming back here after lunch now, and maybe doing it this way will make her think a little more carefully about how she screens visitors.”
I frown up at him, not convinced.
Hearing that he didn’t really fire her takes some of the tension out of me, but even so…
It’s a good reminder of how different we are. Why things didn’t work out. Why things never would work out.
If he wants to see Maddie…know Maddie…well, it makes my stomach flip in a dozen directions at once, but…my baby girl deserves that, even if I’m not quite ready to believe him. Not yet.
But I need to remember that’s what this is about. Maddie. Just her.
Not me.
“Okay?” He asks, after I glance back once more.
I let out a long breath before finally nodding.
“I guess.” I say with a shrug.
I’m not sure how okay it actually is, but it’s not enough for me to pick a fight over.
He sighs, raising an eyebrow at me. “If it really bothers you, I can go back and—”
“No, leave it.” I say, suddenly feeling awkward about the whole thing. “Let’s just go.”
The last thing I want to do is interfere in any of that, it’s just…just…I’m not even sure.
He pauses, giving me a long look before finally nodding and turning back to continue walking towards the elevators.
It doesn’t even matter. His business stuff is up to him. Nothing to do with you.
So why the hell is part of me looking to see if he’s different from some of the things I remember?
“So Meredith is still around, then?” I ask, as the elevator doors ping open. “I liked her.”
I’m blatantly trying to change the subject and get past that moment of awkwardness between us, but if we’re going to do this…we at least need to work out how to be civil to each other, right?
He smiles back at me, a self-deprecating twist to it that immediately makes him seem endearing again.
Damn it.
“Hell yes, she’s still around. Not sure what the fuck I’d do if she wasn’t - the last two weeks have been difficult enough.”
“Where is she?”
“Holiday.” He mutters it begrudgingly, as if mortally offended by the idea.
It makes me laugh, and I catch myself, surprised at how quickly the atmosphere can shift between us.
I find myself leaning back into him as the elevator whizzes down the outrageous number of floors in this building. My stomach drops with the speed of the movement, and I tell myself that that’s all I’m feeling. No butterflies. Just gravity.
Then something else suddenly occurs to me, and I squint up at him as the elevator doors open, suspicious.
“What did you mean you weren’t coming back here after lunch? I’m not sure what you think is going happen, but you promised me this was just—”
I’m cut off by his sudden laugh, and he shakes his head as he glances down at me with amusement. “I wasn’t thinking anything like that, Leah…though if your mind is going there, well, I’m not sure I’d say—”
“It was not going anywhere.” I interrupt emphatically. “I just know what you’re like.”
No, I wasn’t thinking anything like that myself. Definitely not.
“If you say so, baby.” He drawls it, infuriating me deliberately as he winks. Then his expression finally turns serious. “I just meant I don’t think I can work later today. Not after…that kind of news.”
That’s all it takes for those subtle undercurrents between us to dampen again, as the enormity of what I’ve just told him hits us both again.
Maddie.
“Oh…of course.” I nod, my voice trailing off.
The silence spreads between us as we walk towards one of the cafes not far from his office, but it’s not uncomfortable. Just heavy with the weight of everything we need to think about…everything this might mean. I’m surprised he even wanted to have this casual lunch, after something like that, and really, I probably should have said no.
But…it’s been a long time.
And I didn’t say no.
“I thought I saw you in here earlier.” Alistair says as he holds the door for me. He always was a gentlema
n about things like that. “Made me think I was going crazy, but I guess you really were around, huh?”
“Yeah, I was in here earlier.” I return his small smile, and shrug. “Looking for the courage to actually walk into your office.”
“If it’s liquid courage you wanted…I’m not sure coffee would be my go-to, baby.” He grins at me and I quirk a quick smile back.
I didn’t actually buy anything, and remembering that awkwardness when I’d seen the prices here and known I was going to end up hanging around, then walking right back out again…
I try and shrug it off.
But I’m not sure I like being somewhere that I wouldn’t be able to pay for myself.
Which is…just about everywhere.
Eating out has not even registered on my priority list, for years.
I dismiss the feeling as a pride thing, and look back at Alistair to see him smiling at me. I can accept a lunch from him. No big deal.
“I’m glad you did find the courage, Leah.” He says softly.
Before I get a chance to reply - or even work out how to respond to that - he’s leading us to a table in front of one of the full-length glass walls.
I didn’t think it was table service here, but the moment we sit down, someone comes over to offer us water and give us menus.
That distracts us for a few minutes, and I try to ignore the prices as I look at the different options, my stomach starting to gurgle in appreciation at the idea of a little decadence.
“Do you know what you want?” He finally asks, and I nod.
That’s all it takes for a waitress to appear at my elbow, and I start getting the suspicion that we’re getting a little more attention than is normal - from the cafe and the rest of its customers. I look back at Alistair, but it doesn’t seem like he’s noticed anything.