by Lara Swann
There’s no hiding anymore.
So at the moment…I’m watching his relationship with Maddie flourish - as he so fucking deserves.
And I’m hiding from the way he looks at me - and everything that’s simmering between us - while I still can. Trying not to admit to myself that I’m falling for him again, step by step. With every little smile, every thoughtful gesture, and every sensuous glance in my direction.
Even though we barely touch - we haven’t kissed since that one night, and we don’t even say anything to each other, except to discuss Maddie. Or at least, when he tries, I find a way to deflect it.
But it turns out, you don’t need any of that to fall for someone.
You just have to have his baby, and watch him love her.
This picnic goes about the same way that every other thing we’ve done has - we have fun, he starts outrageous conversations with Maddie, and by the end of it…none of us really want to leave.
So he does what he’s been doing for the last week, and I pretend to be surprised by it, as I have every time.
“Do you want to come back to mine tonight?”
He directs the question to me, but Maddie jumps up before I can get a word in.
“Yes, yes, yes!” She dances around him, and I laugh.
“Looks like it’s decided then.” I smile, starting to gather everything up.
It’s almost become a routine, now.
We’ll go back to play, Maddie will insist we stay for hours, and it’ll end up being far too late for us to get home. So we’ll crash over there. At the apartment I still remind him is completely unsuitable.
Except there haven’t been any more late-night conversations. I think we both know that there’s only one direction that’s going to lead in…and I’m not ready for it.
You’ve been ready since the moment you saw him again.
I try to ignore that feeling, smiling as Alistair offers to take the picnic basket from me - then shying away when our hands brush and electricity tingles up my skin. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I never used to be shy or coy about things - hell, we had enough arguments over how direct and outspoken I can get, at least when something is bothering me.
But…it’s as if the longer things continue like this, the more it becomes this big, unspoken thing between us. Too intimidating to break. Too big to face right now. Except those nerves only seem to be getting worse.
And Alistair is getting frustrated. I can tell.
Fuck it, I’m getting frustrated.
“Want an ice cream?” Alistair asks Maddie as we head towards the exit.
Her eyes light up and she nods up and down vigorously, bouncing. “Yes, please, please, please!”
The fact that she’s already had cookies and cake doesn’t seem to occur to either of them, but it’s too late now.
“If there’s a sugar crash later on, you’re dealing with it.” I say instead.
“Deal.” He grins at me, apparently judging that as a worthy cost for being able to treat his little girl. Which wasn’t quite what I meant. “How about you, Leah? You’re not too old for ice cream, are—”
My phone starts buzzing before he can finish that sentence and I pull it out, seeing Mathilda flash up on the screen. An uneasy guilt hits me, and I glance up, frowning.
“I need to take this, could you…”
“Yeah, sure.” I don’t miss the question in his gaze, but he doesn’t hesitate to take Maddie’s hand. “We’ll get the ice cream.”
I give Maddie a smile and then step away from them, not quite sure why I don’t want to take the call in front of them both, but feeling better about having a little privacy.
Mathilda and the last four years of my life have started seeming very far away, recently.
“Hey.” I say.
“Hi babe. I’m really sorry I’ve been completely out of touch - the last few weeks have been…stressful, to say the least - but I’m back in Pittsburgh now. You up for a good old girly catch up?”
I give a half-laugh.
“You’re not the only one who disappeared, Tilly, don’t worry about it. I take it things didn’t go quite as you were hoping?”
She groans. “No. And even worse, I thought they might have. It seemed good when I got there - good enough that I stuck around for a couple of weeks…but then it was the same old thing. Lying to me about where he’s been. Smelling the booze on him. Maybe he actually is off the drugs - but if so, he’s traded it for drink. Still senseless and unsupportive, and nothing Tommy should be around. So now I’m back at the start - worse, even, because I spent all this time not looking for another job and now…ah, hell, Leah. The something-something landlord went and moved a bunch of people into my place. I was even keeping up with the rent, too, and I have no idea how he knew it was empty but…anyway. That’s life, right? Is there any way we could crash at yours - just for a few nights? I know it’s last minute, babe, but I just need to sort it all out. And Tommy hasn’t shut up about Maddie ever since we left - I think he’d like a playdate. Plus, I’ve been missing your advice, girl. It feels like I really screwed things up this time.”
I bite my lip, my heart plummeting as I hear how badly things have gone for her. I mean, it’s probably not that much worse than the other shit we’ve dealt with over the last few years, but now…well, now it just seems unfair. I glance over to where Alistair and Maddie seem to be having a heart-to-heart over ice cream, and feel bad that I’m here, in a park with all my stresses easing and pretty much disappearing, while she’s had to deal with—
But we don’t compare. It’s been practically our number one rule of surviving together. When good shit happens to each other, we get happy and we don’t think about our own miserable situation. And when bad shit does…we’re there for comfort and support when we can. But we don’t fall into the trap of at least I’ve got it slightly better off. Because that was always an illusion, anyway. When one little thing can wreck you…
But now you actually do have it better. Really, properly better. And you have no idea what it’ll mean between you.
It feels impossible that things won’t change, somehow. But I also know immediately that - selfishly - I don’t want it to change. Just hearing her voice, having the same conversations we usually do…reminds me how much I’ve missed her, actually. There hasn’t been much to miss about my life in Pittsburgh, but…Mathilda and Tommy were at the center of every good part of it.
“Leah?” I can hear the uncertainty in Mathilda’s voice.
“Sorry, it’s just…really good to hear from you, Tilly. And I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out. When I didn’t hear…well, I was really hoping for you.” I take a breath. “And of course you can stay at mine - crash there for as long as you like, you’re always welcome. But, umm…I’m not around at the moment - I disappeared too. The key is in the same place as always, though, and I’ve been keeping up with the payments, so it should be fine…”
“Ohh?” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Where are you? What have you two been up to since we left?”
I give a small laugh. “Well, after you left…maybe I took your idea to heart. I went to go find Maddie’s father.”
“You did? God, really? Wow…you need to tell me all about it. Hell, you need to tell me all about him. I never thought you knew - you definitely never talked about him, and I didn’t want to ask, but…wow, girl. How’s it going?”
There’s too much there to answer - too much to talk about, especially over the phone. But I smile and try to give the basics anyway - minus the billionaire part.
“It’s…umm, well, it’s going okay. Good, in fact. Better than good, maybe. He’s…umm…he’s great with her. I thought he’d kick me out, I’ll be honest, but…yeah, as it turns out…he didn’t.” I stumble to a stop, realizing I’m rambling.
But I’m not quite sure what to say to her, or how to describe the kind of good fortune I’ve stumbled into. And it doesn’t help that I’m still slightly in denial about w
here all this is going with Alistair.
Besides, it hasn’t been that long.
It seemed good when I got there - good enough to stick around for a couple of weeks…but then it was the same old thing.
Her words echo again in my head. It’s only been a couple of weeks here, and I started this with enough doubts…the exact same thing could happen here.
Except…I don’t think so, not anymore. It’s not the same as it is with Tilly’s baby daddy. And the way Alistair has been…no one could act that.
“Oh my god. That’s amazing, Leah. Shit, that’s what everyone dreams of, right? Are you back together with him too, or is it just about Maddie? Oh, you need to tell me all about this…”
I catch Alistair looking over at me, and wish I had time for a longer chat - but this isn’t the kind of conversation to have over the phone anyway.
“Yeah, I know. We need a real catch up, Tilly. I’ll tell you everything, I promise - but properly, okay? It sounds like you’ve got far too much on at the moment to spend hours on the phone right now anyway.”
“Hours, huh? You really do have major news, babe. And I can’t wait to hear it - but yeah, you’re right. As soon as you’re back here, though, I’m not letting you escape without the full story.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I grin, trying to ignore the uncertainty I feel. “And I mean it, Tilly - crash at mine for as long as you like. There’ll be plenty of room for you and Tommy while I’m gone. Take the time to get everything back together.”
“Thanks, Leah. You’re a real friend. Don’t know how I’m gonna cope without you here to take Tommy on those days when nothing quite goes right, but honestly - you’ve made my day. It’s nice to know things work out, sometimes. I think I needed that, after the jerk I’ve been living with.”
I can’t work out whether that makes me feel more guilty or less, but I can always count on Mathilda to be generous and positive.
“I’m really sorry about that Tilly, you know I am. But yeah - things work out. And I’m sure a drop-dead gorgeous, kid-loving guy will be right around your corner.”
“Is that what you’ve landed yourself with then?” I hear the humor in her voice, and laugh.
“That wasn’t quite what I meant, but…”
I hear her laugh in response, and then I’m smiling again. Whatever my misgivings about how all of this might affect our friendship, she always has a way to make me feel like things are going to be okay.
“And I’m sorry I’m not around to help you out—”
“Don’t be. I disappeared on you for weeks and you didn’t say a thing about it. So don’t even think it. Tommy’s a good kid, and we’ll work it out.” She laughs again, and it warms me to hear how much happier she seems now than when I first heard her voice. “That’s what we always do, right?”
“We do indeed.” I agree, saying a final goodbye.
When I hang up, though, some of my merriment disappears, and I’m left staring at the phone.
Mathilda…
We’ve been through so much shit together, and…these past couple of weeks, I’ve barely given her any thought at all.
I’m a really crappy friend sometimes.
I walk back towards Alistair and Maddie, distracted, and feeling another stab of guilt when I look at him.
Drop-dead gorgeous. Adorable with Maddie. Rich as sin. What more could you ask for in a guy?
And I feel bad both for Mathilda, that it didn’t work out for her - and for Alistair, that I’m still holding back.
I find them sitting on a park bench, Maddie licking her ice cream enthusiastically and Alistair…he’s looking at me with an expression I can’t read at all. And both of them look like something has just happened.
“What’s up?” I ask, frowning.
They look at each other, and then Maddie turns back to her ice cream, not looking at me at all. Alistair hesitates, then shrugs.
“I ate your ice cream.”
“What?”
“We got you an ice cream, but you took so long it started melting - so I had to eat it. Sorry.” He smiles with an expression that says anything but sorry.
Maddie giggles - and I look suspiciously at her ice cream.
“Maddie’s isn’t gone.” My gaze narrows at him. “You really had to eat all of it?”
I don’t actually care about the ice cream - I don’t feel like eating anything right now anyway. But I’ve been around him often enough to work out when he’s starting some overly-dramatic conversation for Maddie’s benefit, and I can play along.
“Maddie’s is definitely melting too.” He points out, then turns to her with a curious expression, as a second glance shows me the ice cream dribbling all the way down her arm. “Are you suuure you don’t want me to help you with that, baby girl?”
“No!” She shrieks, laughing and jumping off the park bench. “I want it. I’m eating it!”
I laugh, their antics enough to interrupt my concerns about Mathilda and Tommy - for a few moments, anyway.
When we start walking towards the entrance to the park, though, I can feel Alistair’s too-knowing gaze on me.
“So…what’s wrong, Leah?”
I give a half-hearted smile, shrugging. He always could read me like a book.
“Nothing.” I answer automatically, then pause, correcting myself. “Nothing major. It’s just…that was a friend from back in Pittsburgh. We always helped each other out with the kids - Maddie, and her boy Tommy - and I guess I feel a little bad for abandoning her with all of that.”
“Tommy!” Maddie looks up again at his name. “Mommy, I haven’t seen Tommy in forever. Can he come on vacation, too? And eat ice cream with me, and play with my toys, and go to the park, and feed the ducks, and—”
I cut her off with a laugh, suspecting that the list will never end.
“I don’t know, sweetie.” I ruffle her hair, and she frowns up at me, not nearly satisfied with that answer. I quickly redirect the conversation before she can ask more questions. “C’mon, let’s go home, shall we?”
“Yes, let’s go home.” Alistair’s eyes twinkle at me from behind his serious expression, and I blush as I notice the slip.
It’s not surprising that after the last couple of weeks that’s how I’ve been thinking of his apartment. Even though we’ve stayed with Emma longer, and she’s like a sister to me…it’s still her place. But that apartment…that’s started feeling like family to me.
Which makes it even more ridiculous that we’re ignoring it. That I’m ignoring it.
I glance up at Alistair, wondering whether he’s going to say anything else about it - and wondering whether, tonight, I might start that conversation.
But Alistair has a deep, considering expression on his face, and seems lost in thought as we make our way home. The ice cream is enough to entertain Maddie, which is a good thing - because for once, her usual form of entertainment isn’t cracking jokes or tickling her…
And her Mommy is too disturbed by that to fill the gap he leaves.
Chapter Thirteen
Leah
It isn’t until Maddie is tucked away in bed that I find out what Alistair was so preoccupied by.
I’ve just come out of the room we stay in every time we come here - it used to be ‘the spare room’ but now…let’s be honest, it’s ours - and Alistair turns from his usual glass of wine at the kitchen island counter, cocking his head at me.
“Do you want a glass of wine?” His voice rumbles in it’s usual timbre.
The one that shudders right through me, screaming sex and heat and everything I haven’t had for so long. The one that reminds me of what we did last time we shared wine here.
I haven’t said ‘yes’ since then. Because if I start that again, I know I won’t stop.
But this time I hesitate, the pit in the bottom of my stomach growing bigger.
Thinking about everything we need to talk about. Everything we should talk about. All the things I want.
Thinking about walking over there and kissing him with the kind of passion that’s burning me up inside.
Thinking about finally getting over myself and just doing it.
But tonight - he doesn’t wait for me to say no.
I hear the sloshing of the wine into the glass, and then he’s handing it to me across the counter - our fingers brushing as he keeps hold of it for just a second longer.
“Alistair…”
It’s almost a sigh. I’m so out of my depth, and I don’t know what to do. I almost wish I hadn’t stopped him, before. That I hadn’t demanded time and a chance to think about things - a chance to really see that he meant it all. Because now that I’ve stopped it, I have no idea how to throw myself back into it.
And I wish that he’d do it for me.
“Maddie asked me if I was her Daddy today.”
I freeze, all my internal debate suddenly vanishing as I look up at him.
“Oh shit.”
Oh shit.
“I’m sorry - god, I’m so sorry. I forgot—she’s been doing that, recently. Asking about it. I should’ve warned you. God, that’s totally unfair for you to deal with—ah, fuck it—what…what did you say?”
He meets my gaze with such an intent look that I swallow, my heart in my throat. It feels like he’s looking right through me - watching me so carefully that he knows more about how I’m feeling than I do myself.
“I asked if she wanted me to be.” He says, his voice far more measured than I would be in his situation.
So fucking unfair. And I did it to him, just like everything else I’ve done to him. Nothing he deserves.
The guilt tears at me, the feelings that have been building up the longer I’ve seen him with Maddie threatening to come bubbling up.
I don’t say anything. I can’t. I just look at him, unable to break that contact.
I can hear my heart beat in my ears as I wait for the answer.