by Lara Swann
If I’ve wrecked our friendship too…
“Maria—” Mark starts up again, mistaking my avoidance for something else. “Last thing, really, but I promised I’d mention it. I know how you feel about us talking about you having kids, and that you’ve never been sure exactly what you want—”
I’ve always wanted kids.
I think it, but I don’t say it. I do know what I want. My family has just never taken not now the right way.
“—but we’re worried you might be pressured into something you don’t want, before you’ve had a chance to think about it properly. Josh…seems pretty certain, and it can be easy to think these things don’t matter when you really care about someone. But they do, Cassie. And he seems very reluctant to give you the time and space to decide for yourself.”
That was what I’d expected him to open with, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. I’m still staring at the water, at my best friend lying there as if he has no concerns in the world.
Taking advantage of me. Pressuring me into giving up kids. No good, lazy, self-centered bastard.
It’s the image he’d been aiming for. It’s what we wanted them to think. And he’s succeeding spectacularly.
But I can’t help feeling it’s unfair. Especially after Mark was so open with me…the idea of him thinking all those things of Josh…it’s almost painful.
“I think…Josh is a better man than you know.” I say quietly, instead.
I can’t help wanting to defend him.
At the worst, it’ll fit with the image of how devastated I’m going to be when he breaks up with me.
Not that I really want to think about that, all of a sudden.
Mark doesn’t say anything, but I can tell it’s not what he wanted to hear. We both stare off towards the water for what feels like a long time, before he finally turns back to me.
“Cassie…” He rests a hand on my shoulder, and when I look up I realize that this is the most awkward I’ve seen him.
I frown, turning towards him too, until we’re facing each other and he’s not quite meeting my eyes.
“I…don’t really know how to say this. But I think there’s something you should know—”
He’s cut off by a sudden scream from the water - not the squealing and laughter the kids have been making the whole time, but something more.
We both turn towards it as one, and John’s harsh shout comes almost on top of it.
I jump up, trying to see what’s happening, and see Lucas flailing about in the water. It takes a moment to realize it’s not him screaming - it’s Maria.
Fuck.
Mark and I take off towards the shore at a breakneck pace, and as we get closer I realize the damned stupid boy doesn’t have his life jacket on.
The only thing supporting his frenzied splashing are a couple of floaties that look liable to slip off at any moment. The lake doesn’t have much of a current, but the wind skimming the surface is making it rough enough that it keeps splashing over his head.
John is desperately battling with the paddle to turn the kayak back towards him, trying to keep Ellie lodged between his legs while she’s crying and reaching out for her brother. If it weren’t for her, he’d probably already be in the water after Lucas, and my gut clenches as I think of how hard that decision must be to make.
Maria’s wading into the water, but she’s almost hysterical, they’re in the middle of the lake and there’s no chance—
A crash from further down the lake has me looking up, only to see Josh’s empty kayak and paddle floating on the water. My eyes dart around, looking for him, and I eventually find him cutting through the water in a direct line towards Lucas.
My heart rises into my throat, and I reach the edge of the water with Mark to realize there’s still absolutely nothing we can do now that we’re here. Josh isn’t close, but he’s moving faster than I would’ve guessed, and I can hear Lucas’s intermittent crying and spluttering as he starts to panic now.
My gaze darts between them both, and Mark grabs my hand, both of us gripping the other hard as Josh gets closer.
Oh, please…
One of Lucas’s floaties slips off with his desperate thrashing, and then he goes under. Maria screams again, and he surfaces a moment later, battling hard with the water and looking absolutely terrified.
Then Josh is there.
He grabs hold of Lucas and twists so that he’s swimming on his back, Lucas supported on top of him and held with Josh’s hands under his arms. Josh kicks hard, propelling them both toward where we’re waiting with just his feet, and I have a moment to stare in shock at how effortlessly he’s handling this. It looks like he’s done it before.
“Has he done that before?” Mark nudges me, in an almost exact echo of my own thoughts.
“I have no idea.” I say, the honest truth. Not anytime I’ve been with him, and we’ve certainly never talked about anything like this.
But then it’s not the sort of thing to randomly come up.
They’re with us a few minutes later, Josh standing as soon as it’s shallow enough and wading over to where Maria is standing waist-deep.
She clutches Lucas to her, sobbing loudly, but manages to turn and head in our direction, calling out for me.
It’s not until I hear my name that I remember I’m training to be a doctor.
I’m meant to be helping, not standing around staring in shock and horror.
I shake myself, and as soon as Maria has lowered Lucas to the ground, I start trying to look him over.
It’s hard as hell, because he’s coughing and spluttering and crying out for his Mom - but that’s probably the best sign I could get anyway.
John is only a moment behind us, grounding the kayak on the shore with a crash and jumping out of it, handing Ellie over to a still-shocked Anne before falling to his knees beside me.
“It’s okay…it’s okay…” I repeat, trying to sound self-assured and confident, when my own terror is still painful and sharp inside me.
It is going to be okay. I can tell that much already. But…fuck. It still doesn’t feel like it.
I help Lucas cough and retch up the rest of the water in his system, holding him and rubbing his back. Maria could probably have easily done the same, but I know the fact that I’m almost-qualified makes her feel better about it.
After that’s done, though, there’s nothing that could keep Lucas away from Maria’s arms. He clings to her and sobs and shakes and she rocks him back and forth, still shaking herself.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” He wails it over and over again, hiccuping and sobbing.
It twists at my heart as I stand up and step back, letting John get close to both of them.
I stand there staring painfully for a long, long moment, still shocked and on the brink of tears myself.
When I finally realize that I haven’t moved, I take a few painful breaths and stumble away from them, not wanting to interfere. To the side, Mark and Anne are comforting Ellie and each other, and I hesitate to intrude on them, either.
Instead, I walk a little way up from the shore, starting to shake myself now.
It isn’t until I glance up that I see Josh there, looking back at me. His chest is still rising and falling harshly from the swim, and he’s completely soaked, but my breath catches in my throat at the sight of him.
I bite my lip, too many emotions to register crashing through me, feeling helpless and vulnerable.
He just opens his arms, and then I’m there, right there.
As safe and protected as Lucas was.
Josh’s arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tight and holding me close. He’s the one that actually did anything here, but he’s murmuring in my ear anyway, telling me it’s alright, that it’s okay.
I cling to him unashamedly, more relieved than I can possibly express that he’s right here with me. That I have Josh, whether he’s my friend or fake boyfriend or one-time lover.
That he’s here an
d everything will be okay.
I finally break down sobbing myself, the shock and terror of what might have happened to my nephew…to the kid I love more than I can say…all of it finally overwhelming me.
And with Josh, I can do that. He rides the storm with me, rubbing my back, kissing my temple, the edges of my eyes, my cheeks…
Until his mouth hovers over my lips.
And I push up.
I want it. I want him. More than I want to think about right now.
He takes my mouth in his, kissing me with an urgency and passion that I’d been scared had been all in my head.
I melt into him, my whole body surrendering to his strength. Using more than just his physical presence to bolster my own.
I kiss him until I’m struggling for breath. Until I can taste the salt of my tears in between us. Until my head feels light and I see stars and I finally feel that actually, things might be okay.
“I’m so glad you were here.” I finally say, my voice soft, as we break the kiss.
He squeezes me closer in response, his chin resting against my head, and I bury myself into his chest.
Happier than I could have imagined that the uncomfortable silence between us has broken.
And I have Josh back.
Whatever Josh is to me now.
Chapter Twelve
Josh
I run my hands through my hair, the shower steaming around me as I slick it back and finally wash out the gunk from the lake.
It felt like we stayed there for a long time before anyone was ready to return to the main house - and while holding Cassie again had left me feeling better than I had all day, I’d really started to stink.
The images flick over my mind in the shower, and I can’t help reliving it - the screaming, the dive, that crazy rush of adrenaline and the driving fear that it wouldn’t work, that I wouldn’t be in time that pushed me to go just a little faster, find just a little more energy and speed.
I shudder and notch the heat up further, letting it burn at my raw skin and scour away that thought.
It worked out. You made it. He’s okay.
I give myself a few minutes for the jagged spikes of fear to settle again, then I finally shut off the shower and step out of it.
By the time I walk out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around my waist, Cassie is waiting for me in our room.
She looks up at me, half-hesitant, but I don’t even stop. I just walk right up to her and wrap her in my arms again, bringing her close. I’m almost naked, and the softness of her hair brushing against my bare chest would be enough to do things to me, except we’re still both preoccupied by everything that’s just happened.
“They didn’t need a doctor anymore?” I ask after a few moments stood together like that.
“No, Lucas is fine, just a little shaken up. We all are.” She shifts back, just a little, and looks up at me. I brush a strand of hair back behind her ear and she gives me a little smile. “All he really needs right now is his Mom.”
I nod, and gently stroke the back of her hair. All I can think about is how precious she is.
And how happy I am to have her back in my arms now. Knowing that she, and Lucas, and everyone else, is safe and well.
This day has been killer.
And I know there’s still so much unspoken between us, after last night. I can still feel it hanging over us, but I’m more than willing to ignore it for now.
I don’t know how Cassie feels about any of it, and if there’s one thing I know about this girl, it’s that she needs space to work things out for herself. As tempting as it’s been to walk straight up to her, drag her into my arms and kiss her until she’s seeing stars all fucking day.
Last night fucking blew my mind, and I thought I knew what good sex felt like. Cassie’s always told me, perfectly matter-of-fact, how good she is in bed. Hell, we’ve even made it something of a competition, who can slip the most comments about our sexual prowess into a conversation.
But…fuck.
It shouldn’t surprise me that she meant it.
But still.
Fuck.
And after a night like that…with anyone else, we wouldn’t keep our hands off each other all day. We’d be at it for hours, trying to sate an impossible need, and enjoying every mind-blowing failure.
Instead, I haven’t touched her. At all.
Fuck my life.
But with Cassie…it’s not just sex. And we’re not two strangers. Or even lovers.
There’s too much stuff floating around us. And Cassie is nothing if not prone to over-thinking.
So I waited for her. Throwing every acting skill I have into pretending to be her irritated boyfriend, in the middle of some fight, unable to respond to any of the occasional heated, uncertain glances she was giving me.
Even if it drove me fucking crazy.
“I came to find you.” Cassie says after a while. “Everyone wondered where you’d disappeared off to.”
“I figured I’d give you all some space, after everything…thought you’d want to be together for a bit.” I say. “Also, I stank.”
She laughs at that. “So did everyone. Hell, I probably do too.”
I have to bite my tongue hard not to offer to help her with that.
All the things we used to say so easily to each other are now…Confusing. Fraught. Dangerous.
It’s not just her that’s uncertain about this.
Except I’m the one who knows how I want it to end.
It’s just this middle part that’s complicated as fuck.
“You’re the hero of the hour, you know.” She gives me a wry smile, then rolls her eyes. “I think they were confused why you didn’t stick around for the glory.”
I shake my head. “They don’t know me very well.”
She pauses at that, and I notice what I just said.
“No…they don’t.” She sighs, resting her head against my chest. “Though I think John and Maria would forgive you anything now, and I’m not sure whether everyone else is too far behind. All those issues you spent so long emphasizing…”
“It’s alright.” I say. “Even if they end up liking me, they can still be relieved if we break up. And you can act devastated enough to get them off your back.”
I’m not quite sure why I’m reassuring Cassie about that, but…that was what we were here for.
“I guess.” After a moment, she nods. “We might have to step things up a bit, though. We go home in a couple of days, so our big blow out needs to be ready for that.”
I murmur something affirmative, even if the idea of it is starting to bother me.
It was always the plan, but…
I kiss her instead of finishing that thought. Partly to distract me. Partly because she’s right here in my arms. And partly because I haven’t done that enough today.
She opens up to me the way she has done every time, her body relaxing into mine and our tongues tangling together in a memory of our bodies last night. My cock stirs beneath the towel, fire lacing my body and wanting so much more, but I shift just a little away from her instead. She’s probably noticed my reaction anyway, but at least this way she can pretend she hasn’t.
When it ends, Cassie looks up at me, her eyes clouded with heat and uncertainty, but her pulse beating harder in her throat. She worries at her bottom lip, making me think of kissing it again, and then sighs in a way that makes her entire body move with the gesture
“This whole thing hasn’t exactly gone as I intended.” She finally says.
“Because of Lucas?” I ask, tilting my head.
Even though I know that’s not really what she’s talking about.
“Yeah, and…this.” She gestures to the air in between us, and shakes her head. “What are we doing here, Josh?”
I look back at her, and she seems so lost that I just want to pull her into me, hold her tight and never let her go.
I know what I want to say.
I want to say fuck it to the w
hole ridiculous plan.
Tell her that we should forget about breaking up, let her family see who I really am, and see what happens if we give this a real go.
It would fix all our problems.
Except the one where she’s trying to avoid getting into a relationship.
And the one where she wonders what the fuck will happen to our friendship if we fuck it up.
That took me a long time to think about.
And she’s had one day.
It’s too much, and I know it. So instead, I turn the question back on her.
“What do you want to do, Cassie?” I ask, my voice low.
“I…don’t know.” Her eyes latch onto mine, both of us trying to read each other. Trying not to say the wrong thing.
We’ve never had that problem before, and I can’t help wondering just what she’s hoping from me.
“Do you regret last night, Cassie?” I finally say, and I can’t help the seductive undertone to it as I see the way she’s looking at me. “Because I won’t say that I’m sorry it happened. I’m not sorry at all.”
“No…I’m not sorry either.” She whispers, barely voicing it out loud.
My mouth curves into a smile at that, and I can feel the heat radiating from my body as I shift just a little bit closer. It’s too much to ignore. Too much to deny.
I’ve barely tasted her and I already feel addicted to this girl.
“Do you want to do it again?” The question is out there before I can think better of it, but it’s the only thing on my mind right now.
Maybe we can’t throw off the fake part of our relationship. Not just yet. But…that doesn’t mean we can’t have this.
Her eyes widen, but the spark of heat there turns into a flare, and I can read the answer written there as clear as day.
If she can just say it.
It takes a long moment, but it finally comes.
“Yes.” She bites her lip as she admits it, and that’s enough to almost send me into an orgasmic spasm right there.
“Then…why don’t we?” I move closer towards her, my hand cupping the back of her neck as I bring her in to my body.
She gasps, barely noticeable but there, and I feel her shift under me. Closer. Wanting more.