by J. L. Beck
Screaming surrounded me from every angle as all hell broke loose. Chase charged Simon, knocking him on his ass. His arm came up and then down, fast and hard as he slammed his fist into Simon’s face.
I could hear doors opening and a voice asking what was going on, as the hall begun to clear up. That told me I needed to break this up before someone with authority saw everything unfolding and Chase suffered the consequences. Jumping to my feet with my cheek throbbing, I pulled on Chase’s shirt.
“Chase, please stop!” I begged, hoping he would answer my plea.
“You’ll pay for touching her, you fucker!!!” The venom in Chase’s words told me he wouldn’t forget this as he listened to me and moved, letting Simon up.
“Bring it. I look forward to it, asshole.” Simon laughed with blood covering his teeth as he turned the opposite way and walked away, his groupies following suit.
A professor stood at the end of the hallway, looking directly at us just as the hallway became completely clear.
“Everything okay down there?” he asked with concern.
“Yes,” we both replied in unison as I kept my back to him. A few seconds had passed before I heard a door close. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that he had reentered his classroom, leaving Chase and me alone.
I held my hand to my cheek as a single tear slid down my face. I wanted to hold the pain in, but I couldn’t. I hated crying, but I couldn’t stop the tears this time.
“Gia.” His voice soothed the pain inside as he pulled my hand away to look at the bruise that I was sure was forming.
His eyes said it all, the pain inside of them floored me. He was blaming himself for what had just taken place, and there was no way I would let him do that. The way he stuck up for me told me that nothing else mattered to him but me, not even the shit that had been said between us this morning.
“It’s not your fault…” I tried to say but choked up. Everything that had been going on was catching up with me. My emotions were as thin as ice in the month of March and I knew if I stood here a moment longer, staring at him that I would break.
“I know it’s not. All I care about is if you are okay or not?” he whispered to me, brushing a few strands of hair away from the mark that now marred my face.
His fingers grazed the skin, and I felt a shudder work its way through my body. Chase had that effect on me, he could make the pain go away. He could make the happy that much brighter. He was everything, and he didn’t even realize it.
“I’m…” I could feel the walls around me cracking. The way he was looking at me made everything else fade to black.
“I will make him pay for hurting you, Gia. He won’t get away with this. I don’t care if he meant to hit me, the second he raised his hand to you is the second he fucked up.” I pulled away from him, my body and my heart took notice immediately. The warmth inside of me evaporated into nothing but a mist settling around my still beating heart.
“I can’t do this right now.” I took another step back, seeing the anger in his eyes. I couldn’t even bare to look at him right now without breaking down. Here he was standing in front of me, comforting me, promising to fight for me as if we were more than Gia and Chase. More than the ‘just friends’ we were supposed to be.
“Gia,” he said my name helplessly.
“No, Chase. I can’t. Not right now.” I put my hand up, stopping him from coming any closer while taking another step away.
I felt damaged, and not just because of Simon. I needed distance and time to settle whatever it was that was going on between us. I wanted him like I wanted my next breath, but I was desperate for love, and being desperate for something always lead to heartache.
“Gia, please,” Chase whispered, and I could hear the sadness laced in his plea.
Unable to stand there a moment longer I found myself running, racing towards anything that wasn’t him. At the end of all of this it wouldn’t be me with the broken heart. It couldn’t be. I wouldn’t let it be.
One punch. I could feel my nails digging into my flesh.
Two punches. The skin cracked against my knuckles as I drove my fist into the punching bag. The only emotion I seemed to be able to handle was anger. It existed deep inside of me, causing pools of darkness to form. Every time I thought of Gia in the fragile state she was in my mind shifted, my world tilted, and everything seemed to do a one-eighty. I craved her so much, I wanted to devour her and make all the tiny pieces I saw fall away that day come back together.
In one week I had found myself in the gym twice a day. The only way to contain the anger that I felt and control my temper was to take out my aggression on the punching bag, so here I was pounding out the shit that caused me to fly off the fucking handle like a crazy motherfucker.
“I’m worried about you,” Chance’s voice caused my concentration to break. My jaw tightened and then my teeth clenched to stop myself from lashing out at my brother. He had never seen me like this before, hell I had never experienced these feelings before, but he had every right to be worried because nothing was the same.
“Nothing to worry about.” I kept it short, wiping away the sweat on my face with my shirt. I always kept shit to myself, bottled up so deep inside of me that sometimes they fought to spill out.
“What happened wasn’t your fault. You know that and so does she. Why can’t you guys just talk it out like civilized adults?” Chance questioned and it only served to piss me off further. I wanted to lay him the fuck out for sticking his nose somewhere it didn’t belong, but at the same time I couldn’t because I knew he was only doing it because he cared.
“There’s no excuse, it happened right in front of me,” I growled, driving my fist into the bag harder.
“I don’t think what Simon did is the only thing that is hurting you.” Chance grabbed the bag, holding it steady as I landed blow after blow against it. The only sounds in the room being that of the chain above clinking and my own heavy breathing. He could assume whatever the fuck he wanted to. I wasn’t going to admit shit to him, my lips were sealed.
“Seeing her break, seeing her that vulnerable was hard. That’s why you feel you’re to blame.” His words stung my skin as if he had poured salt into an open wound, but instead of admitting out loud that he had hit a nerve I punched the bag that much harder, pretending it was his thick skull and I was shutting him up.
“Admit it, Chase,” he taunted me.
“Nothing to admit, Chance,” I retorted quickly.
“You need to talk to her, or at least try to.” I reached for the structure deep inside of me that kept me sane, holding on to it as I pulled away from the bag.
“I can’t,” I sighed.
Chance laughed like I had told him a joke, which caused me to slacken my hold on that one thing that kept me sane at the moment.
“Can’t is simply a word used by lazy people,” Chance laughed like I had told the joke of the year, before continuing on, “You can. You just don’t want to. You’re afraid for the same reasons she is. I heard her talk with Taylor the other night and she’s hurting bad, she’s never felt deeply for anyone like you, and I know you feel the same way.” I couldn’t help the surge of anger that rattled me, I lurched at my own brother without another thought.
“You’re lying, Chance!” I hissed in a fit of rage as we stood nose to nose.
“No, you are! You’re lying to yourself and to her!” he yelled back, pushing against my chest. The intensity in his eyes held me still, wrapping itself around me and causing my frozen heart to beat again, yet it didn’t make what he had said hurt any less.
“I fucked up. The things I said, Chance… I don’t know if they can ever be undone. I don’t know if she will ever believe that someone like me could want more with her. We used each other selfishly, even when our feelings were right there knocking us on our asses. This whole thing is a clusterfuck and I just…”
What Chase, what the fuck did you want to say?
“Just say it,” Chance urged.
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“I can’t love someone because I don’t know if they have the same power to love me back. I feel like Gia could be the one, but I’m terrified. Hurting her is the last fucking thing I would ever want to happen, but protecting myself from the same hurt is a natural reflex. What if I fall and she isn’t there to fall with me? I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” I grabbed my hair at the scalp and pulled until it burned. Once again I had poured my heart out to my brother, and I wasn’t even drunk this time.
When I looked up between my hands I saw a smile marring his face. It wasn’t an ‘I told you so smile’, but a ‘thank heavens you saw the light’ smile.
“That didn’t hurt so bad, now did it?” Chance winked.
“Doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. Everything is still the same.” I reminded him, brushing everything off as I ripped my shirt from my body and headed towards the kitchen. I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard Gia’s laughter. It radiated warmth through me, causing all the dark in me to diminish.
“I think you should go for it. Life is too short to not at least try, especially when it’s something that you want. This time if it’s him who tries to run then you chase behind him as fast as you can, pulling him right back to you.” Taylor’s words settled deep inside of me. She spoke as if she had already experienced love and heartache all at the same time.
The air in the room seemed to catch fire as I entered, my chest heaved out a breath as I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. This whole distance thing was hard. What was harder was wanting to be near her, but knowing that keeping her at an arm’s length was the right thing to do. It was a love hate thing that almost always ended in me hating myself, yet I couldn’t help myself any longer, I needed to see her face. I turned around and caught Gia’s eyes locked on me, they looked into my soul and rooted me to her.
“I’m thinking pizza and a movie tonight?” Chance interrupted my thoughts before I could even get a word out. I didn’t know if what he was trying to do was a good idea, all I knew was I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of her.
“Umm…”Gia hesitantly murmured, “It’s okay if we don’t, I have work to do anyways. You three could have a movie night and I could just, you know−” Taylor elbowed her in the side causing her to stop midsentence.
“Oh stop it, Gia. Of course we’re doing pizza and a movie tonight.” Taylor shot her a look that said shut up or I’m going to cut you. I felt as if I was invading on their circle of friendship by standing here watching every movement between the two of them unravel.
“I’ll order two pizzas. Taylor and Gia, you can pick the movie.” Chance chimed in quickly causing my stomach to growl at the thought of pizza. It had been at least a week since I had eaten anything other than a protein shake or bowl of cereal.
The room stayed quiet, Taylor and Chance both waiting to see who would give in first. My body seemed to be going through a tug of war, my head said I was making the right choice giving her the space and time that she needed; where my heart was begging for me to take her, to claim her as my own before the chance was gone. My hands turned to fists as the fire she stirred inside of me started to come back to life.
This is your chance, your choice… I could either give her what she wanted or teach her just what it was that I wanted.
“Sounds great.” I sealed the deal with those two words. Gia’s dark brown eyes glazed over as if she was in shock, as if she expected me to run and hide from her presence. Didn’t she know I did this all for her?
“Uh−uhh,” Gia stuttered, her words tumbling from her mouth in an incoherent mess. I knew I needed to say something, to man the fuck up at the very least and show her that I was really fine with this.
“We can be friends for one night, Gia. It’s not like it would kill either of us to be nice to one another. Let’s like each other today, you can go back to hating me tomorrow,” I said the words, but I didn’t mean them. I didn’t want her to hate me tomorrow either.
The tension in her eyes seemed to lessen as it filled the air between us. Gia nodded then smiled, and it was in that smile I could see the insecurities she had. They were the same ones I had.
“Yay!” Taylor squealed almost jumping from her seat, her eyes passed over Chance’s and the fire between them sizzled. I smiled to myself knowing that I wasn’t the only one going through some type of turmoil when it came to starting a relationship.
Everyone said it was easy and it should’ve been. It should’ve been as simple as I like you, you like me, but it was a lot more complicated than that with Gia and I.
Chance and Taylor discreetly dismissed themselves from the kitchen, leaving us alone with each other for the first time in a while. I stared at her for a long moment, trying to figure out if I should slam her against the wall and take her lips, forcing her to feel how much I cared for her; or if I should just let everything run its course.
“Why are you staring at me?” She gazed up from her book. Her dark hair was a blanket I wanted to wrap myself up in.
“Because you’re beautiful,” I simply said, being truthful and honest. She seemed to absorb what I had said as a small curve lifted on both sides of her mouth.
Minutes passed by before her smile disappeared and she spoke again, “I know right now all we’re good at is saying sorry and fucking stuff up, but that’s okay because life is a learning curve and all…” She was rambling, but it was one of the most adorable things I was just now noticing about her, so I let her go on about whatever it was she was getting at because at that moment I swore I could really see her.
“God! I’m just sorry, Chase.” She changed tactics as she pushed her hair out of her face and looked at me straight on. Her beauty couldn’t be measured, her eyes sucked me in every time. There was no coming back from a woman who looked at you like she did me.
“I don’t need an apology for anything. You needed space and time. I’m a man and men get irritable, Gia. Don’t do me any favors by saying you’re sorry.” There was an edge to my voice that I couldn’t let go of no matter how hard I tried.
She dropped her eyes to my chest. “Still, if I could go back to that day…” I could hear the despair in her words. Without thought I reached across the table, placing my fingers under her chin and forcing her eyes to meet my own.
“Shhh, don’t be sorry for your own emotions or the fact that you made a choice. Everything in life has a factor. Every choice has a reaction and life in general always has a choice that has to be made. In my eyes we were brought together for a reason.” I didn’t want to sound cheesy or like I was spewing bullshit, but even I knew God put certain people on your path, in your life for a reason. That or Jacobs had finally rubbed off on me.
Tears formed in her eyes, little pools of darkness on top of the beautiful brown that they were. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and pull her into my warmth, but I knew I couldn’t because there would be no way I would stop there, so I retreated, pulling my hand away.
“Don’t cry,” I said, I felt conflicted with my own emotions. The lines of my wants and needs were blurring into one line, a line that wanted me to cross all the lines.
“I’m just emotional.” She wiped at her eyes, brushing away the tears. I could feel myself climbing back into my skin, making myself invisible again.
“Let’s just get the night done, and then we go from there.” My anger was back, and this time it was all because I was finally starting to feel everything that she was feeling.
My stomach was in knots, the way he looked at me with lust and anger in his eyes fueled the earthquake that was now my stomach. I was on the verge of breaking and crumbling beneath him. He was everything I wanted and the one thing I hated. The player in him made me weary, the passion he sparked in me made me crave him like my next breath. We were two magnets that shouldn’t be attracted to one another, yet there was no stopping either of us.
I gripped the book in my hands, like a life-line as it brought me back to the present. Chase was gone, having dismis
sed himself to clean up before dinner and I knew I should be doing the same, but I couldn’t move. His touch had encompassed me in a wave of emotions, and every time I came up for air I was knocked down by another wave.
“Gia?” Taylor was calling my name, and as I pulled myself from the darkness of my mind I knew I needed to get some advice, I knew I needed to call my mom.
“Yeah?” I smiled, my knuckles growing white against the book in my hands. She had walked into the kitchen with a smile that had fallen the second she had seen me. Guilt washed over me, was I wasting everyone’s time? Was I more of a burden that anything?
“Is everything okay? I called your name like five times. We’re about to set up everything in the media room… you want to come and help?” She talked to me as if I was a fragile piece of glass, capable of slicing her.
“I’ll…” I paused. “I’ll be there in a few. I need to put my things away and call my mom.” I stood up and turned on my heels¸ but was stopped mid-step by Taylor’s hand on my shoulder.
“I know it’s hard to want something and feel like it’s out of reach. I know it’s impossible to think you’re not alone, but you aren’t.” She whispered the words as if they were coming right from her heart and then released me. As soon as her hand was gone, I ran towards my room like a bullet being shot from a chamber.
My mother had gone through so much with my father, if there was anyone that had advice worth listening to it would be her.
The books in my hands fell to the floor as I slammed my bedroom door behind me, locking it just as fast. Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I jumped onto my bed where Chase and I had last been together intimately. Looking at the very edge of the bed, I pushed the memories away. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about what we had shared, what had started this whole ordeal.
Searching for my mom’s contact info, I hit the green key to call her. The phone rang twice before she picked up, her cheery voice filtering into the phone and melting away all the pain I felt.