by Sue MacKay
Snapping her eyes shut, she prayed for control. She so wanted to hurl herself into his arms and beg him to make love to her again. But it was wrong. Completely wrong. Opening her eyes, she stared at him, forced a wave of need aside, and struggled to remain calm and focused. ‘You can’t possibly think we’re going to have an affair while you’re here?’
‘Unless you’re still in a relationship with your baby’s father, why can’t we get to know each other again? The chemistry’s certainly still there.’
He wasn’t listening. ‘I do not want a relationship.’ How blunt could she be? Did she need to bang him over the head to get him to understand? She leapt out of bed, fumbled around for her robe and shoved into it.
Grady stood, too, those thoughtful eyes watching her closely, hurt mingling with confusion as he asked, ‘Are you hanging out for the baby’s father to return to you? Because if you are, I would understand.’
A shudder rocked her. ‘I never want to see Freddy again. Of course, if he changes his mind about being a part of Flipper’s life then I won’t deny him access. She deserves a father, even Freddy.’ But move back in with him? No way.
His shoulders relaxed a little as he began dressing. ‘Sash—’
‘Stop calling me that,’ she all but yelled. Being called Sash undermined her determination to stop whatever was going on between them before it got out of control. If it hadn’t already. Being called Sash reminded her of so many things about Grady she did not need to remember as she fought to keep him at arm’s length.
That hurt in his gaze deepened. ‘Talk to me, Sasha. Tell me what’s really behind this? Do you not feel anything for me? Apart from the sex?’
Pain scudded through her heart. He didn’t deserve this. Oh, he’d been doing a good job of stepping up for her lately. But she had a child to consider, to put before him or even herself. And she’d do anything for her baby. Sucking in a deep breath, she let rip. ‘Just go, Grady. We are not meant for each other. Otherwise you’d never have dumped me.’
‘I did it out of love for you.’
Make it worse, why don’t you? ‘Sorry, I’m not buying into that.’ She brushed past him on the way out of her bedroom. She had to make him leave. Now. Before the threatening flood of tears won out over her precarious control. She headed straight for the front door, hauled it open, and shivered in the icy blast of night air. ‘Please, go.’ Her voice squeaked around that ball of tears.
He stood in front of her, his hands in his pockets, legs splayed and chest forward. His gaze was unwavering. ‘I did it for you, Sasha. Believe me.’
‘Really? You hurt me so much I went completely off the rails so that I nearly killed myself by pushing the boundaries too far. You did that for my own good?’ She was nearly screaming at him now and the words would not stop. ‘I have lived with the knowledge that the man I once loved with all my being did not love me back. Not enough anyway. He didn’t want to share his pain, his family, his future with me. I was only good enough for the fun times, not the real nitty-gritty living stuff.’
His hands slapped his hips, his fingers white where they dug in, but he didn’t step away from her tirade. ‘I believed I was looking out for you by giving you your freedom to get on with the plans you’d made for your career and future. You own the dangerous stuff.’
‘My future was with you.’ Nothing had been more important than Grady.
‘You’d dreamed of being a nurse since you were ten.’
‘I could’ve trained in Nelson while you looked after your family. Did that ever occur to you? Did you ever think to ask me if we could rearrange our plans?’ Her mouth snapped shut, her teeth banging hard. Her throat clogged with years of emotions. Those darned tears began falling. She had to get away from Grady. But more words spewed forth. ‘Of course you didn’t. Because apparently you didn’t love me. You do remember telling me that, don’t you? And now you have the audacity to say you did it for me.’
‘I’m not denying anything. I did tell you I didn’t love you because you wouldn’t listen to me. I—’
‘You’re making it my fault now?’
‘No, Sasha, I’m not.’ His hands gripped tighter. ‘It was a weird time. I was struggling to deal with Dad’s passing, with having to put my plans on hold and step up for Mum, and then there was you. I didn’t feel I could ask you to hang around waiting while I sorted my family out.’
Her heart squeezed. Not for her, but for Grady. ‘You could have said what you’ve just said now. We might’ve been able to sort something out.’
‘Would you have listened?’
‘I’d have done anything to be with you.’ Had she missed something back then? If she had, then so had Grady. He hadn’t understood what her love for him meant. ‘Anything.’
‘I couldn’t ask that of you.’
With one hand on his shoulder she pushed him out the door. ‘Go home, Grady. We’re done.’
That hurt was back in his beautiful eyes. ‘You’re sure about that?’
No. Not at all. It would be so easy to curl up against his chest and let him take over, be strong for her, love her. But the little girl kicking her tummy right now needed her to find her own strength. ‘Yes, I am.’
*
‘Meet me at the café for lunch,’ Jess muttered, as she walked out of the office at the medical centre.
‘Not hungry,’ Sasha muttered back, as she avoided bumping into Grady.
‘Maybe not, but you need some girlfriend time. You’re looking like hell this morning. Twelve o’clock. Don’t be late. I’ve got a full afternoon.’ Jess disappeared down the hall to the nurses’ room.
She could always rely on Jess to be honest. And bossy. ‘Too honest for your own good,’ she complained at her friend at midday as she slid onto a wooden chair in the café. ‘What’s this?’ She eyed the bowls of pumpkin and bacon soup alongside the plate of freshly baked bread rolls before her.
‘It’s called food. Something Flipper needs.’ Jess leaned back against her chair and studied her in a very disconcerting way.
‘What? Have I got bird droppings in my hair?’
‘What’s with you and Grady this morning? It’s like you’re both afraid to go near each other.’ No mucking about with Jess.
‘Sort of.’ Afraid of where another touch from Grady might lead, more like.
‘Spill.’ Jess spread a light dash of butter on her warm bun and bit into it. Her eyes lit up. ‘Heaven. Jonesy knows a thing or two about baking bread.’
About to take the diversion and run with it, Sasha hesitated. Stirring her spoon round and round in her soup, she thought about Grady and making love and kicking him out afterwards and how she felt she’d done the wrong thing. She did need to talk. ‘Grady stayed late last night.’
Jess looked funny with her jaw stopped in mid-chew. ‘As in he and you did it?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Either you did or you didn’t.’
‘Yeah, we did.’ Sipping the hot soup gave her time to rerun through her mind her final words to him. ‘Then I kicked him out. For ever.’
‘Why?’
Placing her spoon down on the plate, she gave up pretending to want to eat. ‘We talked about back when we broke up.’
‘That’s good. Isn’t it?’
Her shoulders lifted, dropped. ‘Probably. But he won’t accept that I’d have stayed with him if only he’d told me what was going on with his mother and sisters. He didn’t want me to give up my plans for him.’
‘Sounds kind of noble,’ said the voice of reason opposite her.
‘He didn’t give me any choice, made my decisions for me.’
‘I wouldn’t have left him. But I guess he knew that and that’s why he said he’d stopped loving me. Why didn’t I think about the whole situation, Jess? Why didn’t I ask him how he could say he didn’t love me when a week before he’d told me he’d die if anything came between us?’
‘Melodramatic, but he was only eighteen.’ Jess buttered another bun
. ‘Same as you. I don’t think we have all our brain cells functioning properly at that age, especially when hormones are involved.’
‘And now I’m dealing with babymones.’ Should she wait until Flipper was born to think this through? As if that would work.
‘Yep. Give yourself time, spend some of it with Grady, get to know him all over.’
Did that last night. ‘You mean all over again.’ Picking up the spoon, she tasted the soup and rolled her eyes. ‘This is yummy.’ Maybe eating wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
‘Want to go to the pub one night soon? Have some fun? I hear they’re doing a great milk and vanilla cocktail for pregnant women.’
A girls’ night out sounded perfect right now. ‘What about Nicholas? You could leave him with Mum and Dad.’
‘I’ll call them tonight. So we’re on? Cool. Now eat some bread with that soup. It’s good for you both.’
*
Grady hauled the rope in, hand over hand, straining as the weight of the dredge tried to defy him. ‘Reckon we’ve got a full load in this sucker.’
Ian leaned over the side and peered down into the murky water. ‘I see it. Look at all those lovely scallops. My mouth’s watering already. Sasha’s going to hate us for getting these.’
Sasha hates me already. A few scallops won’t make the slightest difference. ‘The blue cod will make up for not being allowed shellfish.’
‘You think?’ Ian’s eyes twinkled as he took one side of the dredge and helped haul it into the boat. ‘These are her favourite shellfish.’
Yeah, he remembered. She used to eat them raw while they were opening the shells, and then be back for a large helping when they’d been cooked on the barbecue.
Together he and Ian tipped their catch onto the deck, along with the seaweed and starfish also caught in the dredge. ‘We must have at least a hundred good scallops in that lot.’
Jack slowly lowered to his knees and began tossing the obviously too small scallops back overboard. ‘This is a good haul for so early in the season. Don’t tell anyone about it.’
‘This is Golden Bay. People will know before we hit the beach.’ Ian hunkered down too.
‘Want to do another run?’ Grady looked up at the sky. ‘I take that back. The weather’s starting to close in. Better head for home.’
He began coiling the rope attached to the dredge, making meticulous loops in the bin before placing the dredge on top. Then he washed down the deck with buckets of salt water, getting rid of the worst of the mud and mess. A good hose down back home would finish the job. It’d also help keep him occupied and his mind off Sasha. As if that was at all possible.
‘How’s the redecorating coming along?’ Ian asked, as he tossed a handful of large shellfish into the bucket.
‘I’m over watching the paint dry, that’s for sure. Painting in the cold winter air was asking for delays. I’ve got the plumber doing a refit of the bathroom next week.’ He’d never intended doing that but on Saturday he’d walked in for a shower and found a crack in the old glass panel. Then he’d taken a really good look at the room and gone to phone the plumber. ‘So much for just a lick of paint.’
Jack paused his sorting to ask, ‘You doing the place up for yourself, or putting it on the market?’
‘Probably selling it, if I can. I haven’t used it since Dad died. It’s gone backwards over the years. Needs someone living there most of the time to breathe life back into it.’ But a big part of him did not want to let the place go now that he’d had time back here.
Staring out over the sea as he directed the nose of the boat for the shore, he could hear the laughter of nights spent on the front lawn of the house with his family and friends. Eating barbecued fish and scallops, drinking beer, having plain old, carefree fun. His heart yearned for that again. Yearned to be able to get up in the morning, every morning, and pull back the curtains to reveal the bay spread as far as the eye could see. To know the sea and sand would be waiting when he got home from work. To have a family to enjoy it with. To share the barbecued food again.
To have the impossible dream.
It all came back to Sasha.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘ANOTHER WEEK NEARLY OVER.’ On Friday Sasha stopped in at home for a late lunch before heading out on the rest of her house calls. Thank goodness the weekend was nearly here. Unfortunately the week had been quiet, keeping her hanging around the medical centre more than usual, stocking shelves with bandages and syringes, cleaning out her kit, doing inventories. Ignoring Grady when he turned up to do a half-day for Rory on Wednesday and again on Thursday.
‘At least we had antenatal clinic this morning, eh, Flipper? Kind of fun being with other pregnant mums and doing their check-ups.’ Jess had gone with Nicholas and his playgroup to visit Natureland in Nelson. ‘Nicholas was so excited about seeing the monkeys he nearly wet himself. His little face was wide with excitement. Think you’ll like monkeys, my girl?’
No answer from in there.
‘Okay. What do you want for lunch? One of those fruit buns I bought yesterday or reheated tomato soup?’ None of it sounded very appealing. ‘I promise to go to the supermarket on the way home and get us some proper food.’
Her cell rang as Flipper nudged her. A glance at the screen and, ‘Hi, Mike. What have you got for me?’
‘Tamara Tucker, eighteen years old, has severe back and abdomen pains. She’s out at Totaranui Camping Ground and doesn’t have any way of getting into town to see us. I want you to head out there.’
‘Totaranui?’ About an hour away over a rough, narrow winding road that could be slippery at this time of year. ‘She had to have got out there somehow. It’s not on a main road to anywhere.’
‘Tell me something I don’t know. Apparently she and her boyfriend were dropped off on the other side by the charter boat and walked across to the camping ground where friends were supposed to have joined them for a few days.’
‘The friends haven’t turned up.’
‘You’ve got it. Now, Sasha…’ Mike’s tone changed, turned quiet and calm.
What was she in for now? Bumps lifted on her skin. ‘Ye-es?’
‘Can you pick up Grady on your way? He’s getting ready as we speak. Just in case this is an emergency.’
She’d seen it coming the moment Mike’s tone had altered but that didn’t prevent the punch to her gut. Grady. In the car with her. For an hour. And another hour on the way back. Suck it up, girl. This is your job. ‘On my way. Will keep you posted once we get to Totaranui in case we need outside help. Is the warden there?’
‘According to Tamara’s boyfriend, he left early this morning for supplies in town. There aren’t any other campers either.’
‘Who in their right mind would be out there at this time of year?’ Sasha asked Flipper, as she stuffed two buns in a plastic bag and filled her water bottle. ‘At least I don’t have to decide what we’re having for lunch.’
Outside Grady’s house she tapped the horn but he didn’t appear. Climbing out of the Jeep, she stomped up to the wide-open front door. The smell of fresh paint hit her. No wonder all the windows were also open. The house would be freezing inside but getting the paint dry was obviously a problem. ‘Grady? You ready?’
Silence.
She’d taken one step inside when Grady appeared, striding out of one room on the way to the kitchen. Rubbing his hair with a towel. Naked as the day he was born.
She stared, unable to even blink. Her mouth dried as she took in the sight of moving muscles, that wide chest with its sprinkling of fine black hair, of a washboard stomach, of his male tackle. Two weeks ago she’d slept with him, had had him inside her, and yet nothing measured up to the sight filling her eyes. He was stunning. He’d filled out into a very beautiful man from the teen he’d been last time she’d known him.
‘Grady,’ she squeaked, as he reached the kitchen doorway.
Unfortunately he heard her, because she hadn’t intended making her presence known.
>
Grady stopped, leaned back to look directly at her. ‘Sash. I didn’t realise you’d be here this soon.’
Obviously. ‘I’ll wait for you outside.’ She ran to her vehicle, leapt in and slammed the door. His image followed her, filling her head, sending her hormones into a riot of activity, heating the chill that had lain over her since she’d sent him away. Ten minutes ago she’d thought having to ride with Grady would be difficult. Now she knew it would be impossible.
What was she supposed to do? A young woman needed help from both of them. Somehow she’d have to dig deep and pull on a mantle to hide behind for as long as this job took. She couldn’t do it. She had to. It was impossible. Tough. Do it. Now. Before Grady comes out of that house and gets in beside me.
The passenger door opened and Grady’s large frame, fully clothed, filled the periphery of her view. ‘I’d been sanding the table and was covered in dust when Mike rang. Thought I’d have time for a shower before you turned up.’
As far as an explanation went she couldn’t fault it. Didn’t make the trip into Totaranui any easier, though. Funny how, even when concentrating hard on the difficult road, she still had that image of Grady firmly in the front of her head.
*
They hadn’t even come to a stop when a young man ran towards them from a nearby hut. ‘Am I glad to see you. Tamara’s in a lot of pain. Screaming and crying all the time.’
Grady hopped out and extended his hand to the young guy. ‘Grady O’Neil, doctor, and this is Nurse Sasha Wilson. You are…?’
The lad’s hand shook when he gripped Grady’s hand. ‘Sorry. Tamara’s boyfriend. Kevin Sparkes. She thinks it’s her appendix. She’s got a rumbling one or something.’
‘Right, Kevin, how long has Tamara been having pain? And where is it centred mostly?’ Grady took the medical kit off Sasha and ignored the scowl she gave him.
Kevin began filling them in with details as he led them to the cabin he and Tamara had hired. ‘Man, she’s hurting, curling up with the pain at times. I was real frightened, man. Especially when she started getting worse. Didn’t know what to do. There’s no one here.’ He waved a hand around the camp site. ‘No one.’