I found myself torn between two emotions- disgust at Jason's bullying behavior, and a lightheaded, happy sort of flattery that Clara liked me. For a brief moment, I pictured myself taking her hand, and reciprocating her feelings immediately.
"Miranda?"
I was snapped out of my fantasy by Jason, who apparently had asked his question again and was awaiting my reply. My face felt very warm, and I stood to gather my leftover lunch things instead of answering. "I need to throw this away," I said, and got up to take them to the trashcans at the other end of the cafeteria.
As I walked away, I frantically tried to organize my thoughts. I was tempted to dismiss my reaction to Clara's feelings as temporary insanity, but quickly recognized this dismissal as a cowardly action. I had inadvertently caused a rift in Clara and Jason’s friendship, and I knew that until I decided between them, they would continue to quarrel.
I was terrified. My conscience was prodding me to face my feelings, and decide between them, but I couldn’t. I took a deep breath, and pushed the most frightening possibility aside, focusing instead on Jason. I hardly knew Jason, and it seemed unfair to dismiss his advances without getting to know him, first. If the weather permitted, I thought, I would go see him after school.
While I was making my way back to the table, thunder crashed again, and all of the lights flickered before finally going out. This inspired several cheers from the boys in the cafeteria. I walked carefully toward what I recognized as Chad's voice, because I could only see shadows against the dim light outside.
Mrs. Lewis went to the front of the Cafeteria, and clapped her hands loudly to get everyone's attention.
"Quiet please. I need everyone to move as far away from the windows and toward the back of the room as possible. Until the storm is over, we'll have to stay here."
We all had to shift our seating again, in order to accommodate the rush of students pressing against the back of the room. When we'd finally settled again, I was again seated next to Clara, with Summer on my other side and Jason and Chad across from me. We were all squeezed more tightly together, but there was a lot of excited chatter in the room now, and it was harder to hear each other.
"No Friday quiz in Mr. Jenkin's class!" Chad said Jubilantly.
"You don't think it's a hurricane, do you?" Summer asked nervously.
"There was one, but it passed north of us. I think we're getting the tail end of it, though," I said.
Summer sighed with relief, and began chatting happily with the others about the classes she hoped to miss during the storm. Everyone was in a better mood now, despite, or perhaps because, of the storm, except for Clara, who sighed and anxiously twisted her hands together.
"Are you okay?" I asked her in a low voice.
"I'm just tired," she replied.
"Well, cheer up. Maybe your art club meeting will be canceled as well," I said, but I soon regretted my words when I heard Clara sigh, and saw her anxiously turn her head toward Amber's table.
"Don't let Amber or Jason get to you," I said.
Clara nodded, and a flash of lightning illuminated her face then. I could see, in that brief moment, the telltale marks of fatigue very plainly written on her face. Her eyes were shadowed with dark circles, and her face was drawn and pale.
"Is it really just that you're tired?" I asked in a low voice.
She looked about to answer, but Summer chimed in and said, "what are you two whispering about? Don't be so unsocial. I might get my feelings hurt, and think that you're both keeping secrets from me."
Clara smirked, and turned to rejoin the general conversation. I was unable to speak with her again before the storm let up and we were forced to return to classes.
#
After school, the rain stopped and the clouds began to break up. The sun peeked through the clouds periodically, and the light created an eerie contrast to the general gloom. I embraced the melancholy of the afternoon, and walked slowly down the wet streets to Jason's house, letting my mind wander.
As I walked, I allowed myself to think about Clara, her apparent feelings toward me, and my own feelings toward her. I worried about her, and how the stress she'd been experiencing over the past weeks seemed to be affecting her health. I chided myself for not having done anything to help her during that time. I couldn't help but think that her feelings for me, and the resulting tension with Jason, were contributing to her stress, and the thought brought with it a twinge of guilt. I knew that if Clara were to declare her feelings for me, I would have to be as honest and direct about my own feelings for her as possible to avoid causing her any of the pain I knew she'd experienced before.
But what would my answer be, if and when that time came? I knew, without thinking, that I had very strong feelings for Clara, and that I cared for her deeply. I realized that how I felt for Clara was different than the feelings I had for my other friends. But, I rationalized, how I felt for all of my friends was unique to each of them, and different from my feelings for each member of my family, as well. It was possible, I knew, to care about people in many different ways without those feelings being romantic.
I was puzzling over the foreign notion of romantic love when I noticed I had arrived at my destination- all too soon, it seemed. Jason's house was a large, ranch-style house which sprawled over a sizeable property. I noticed that the driveway was empty, but I decided to wait for him, and walked along the pathway that wound through the dripping palm trees to the front door. There, sitting on the front steps and huddled inside a blue hoodie against the chill and damp, was Clara.
"Hello. I guess Jason's not home yet?" I asked.
"No. I wanted to talk to him, so I'm waiting. He shouldn't be too long. The band is meeting here, later."
"Do you mind if I wait with you, or do you think it would be too unfair for us to ambush him?"
Clara laughed. "He'll be glad to hear what I have to say, and I’m guessing that he’ll be just as glad to see you, so it won't be unfair."
I didn't ask what Clara was planning on telling Jason. Instead, I sat next to her and tucked my knees up to my chin, watching the water which dripped from the palm trees and off the tile roof.
"I think you must be a miracle worker, Miranda. I would love to know how you did it," Clara said suddenly.
"How I did what?" I asked.
"I talked to Amber in art class. How did you convince her to let me enter the art competition?"
"How did you know I was the one who convinced her?" I countered, trying not to grin.
"You said during lunch that I should talk to Amber. Plus, she made a catty remark about you when I showed her the picture I'd planned to enter. Catty remarks aside, she apologized for trying to keep me out in the first place. I was almost speechless."
I laughed. "My mother invited her family over for lunch after church on Sunday, and I talked to her then. Apparently, her mother and mine are best friends, now."
"I hope your mother knows what she's getting into," Clara said lightly. "Amber's mother can be very..."
"High-energy?" I supplied.
Clara nodded. "That still doesn't explain exactly how you managed to convince Amber, though."
"I wasn't sure I had, to be honest. She seemed to agree with me at first, when I said she had no right to dictate the way other people lived. The more we talked, though, the more she became upset. She ended up saying all sorts of horrible things about you, your family, and your friends."
"Well, I'm glad you eventually got through to her," Clara said. Then she sighed. "What did Amber say about me?"
"She told me that her mother didn't approve of your family, that you were secretive and hard to get close to, and that you kissed her while you were dating David," I said in a careful, even voice.
Clara sighed and put her head on her knees as well, looking very small and defeated. "Of all of the stupid mistakes I've made in my life, kissing Amber is the one mistake I will never live down."
"You're too hard on yourself," I said.
&
nbsp; "I really misread Amber. Kissing her was a stupid thing to do, and I apologized for it afterward. I thought she had forgiven me, but after Jason outed me, she seemed to get upset all over again, and she stopped talking to me."
"It's probably not my place to say this, but I think that was very hypocritical of her. It seems like she cared more about what other people thought than what had actually happened between you."
Clara looked at me for a moment with a quizzical expression, and then looked down at her feet. "I didn't think about that at the time. Amber was always prone to unpredictable mood swings, and at that point I was more hurt by her rejection than anything else. Amber did say, though, that she thought I was too secretive, right? Maybe she resented me for keeping my sexuality a secret from her."
"You shouldn't worry about all of that, now," I said. "The past is past. Don't let things you can't change stress you out. You're already stressed enough."
Clara smiled wryly. "I just don't want to repeat any of my mistakes. I'd rather not lose any more friends."
"You won't," I said firmly. "Trust us."
"You're sweet, Miranda, but the way things are going now-"
"Maybe I could help you."
"There's really not anything anyone can do to help me right now. I just have too many difficult classes, too many vindictive people in my past, and, on top of it all, I have a little sister who seems determined to ruin her life, and mine..." she trailed off.
"If you like, I could help you with your schoolwork, beat up your vindictive enemies, and give your little sister a stern talking-to," I suggested. I bent my head down so I could look her in the eye.
"Just like that, all my problems solved?" she asked skeptically. She looked up and met my eyes with her own wide, brown ones, and held my gaze.
"Just like that," I murmured.
Something about the sad, yearning look in her eyes drew me in, and I felt myself leaning closer to her, until our faces were only inches apart. Clara started to lean in as well, closing the gap. I was suddenly quite breathless.
Then, on the other side of the line of palm trees, I heard the sound of a car door slamming. Clara pulled away from me and stood up quickly. I was left alone, gasping for air and watching her run along the curving walkway and out of sight. I sat where I was for a few moments with my head on my knees, breathing deeply and trying to compose myself. Then I ran my hand through my hair and willed myself to stand up.
I walked around the path to the driveway, where Jason, Chad, and a small, dark-haired woman I assumed was Jason's mother were standing with Clara outside of a shiny black minivan. When she saw me coming, Clara pulled Jason aside and started whispering to him frantically, casting an occasional glance in my direction. I pretended to be completely uninterested in what she was saying, and instead turned to Chad, who was saying, "thanks for the ride, Mrs. Fuentes."
"Thank you for helping me with the shopping," Jason's mother replied. "You're welcome to a ride any time until your car is out of the shop."
"I totaled my car," Chad said to me, chuckling. "Oh, Mrs. Fuentes, this is Miranda, the new girl at school I was telling you about. Miranda, this is Jason's mom."
"It's very nice to meet you, Miranda," the woman said, taking my hand.
"It's nice to meet you, too," I replied.
Jason broke away and came to join the group, then, checking his phone while Clara stood nervously in the background. "We have to cancel our practice, Chad. Chase just sent me a text. Apparently, Brad is sick."
Chad lifted his eyebrows skeptically. "Can he stand up? If he can, being sick is no excuse. We're playing the dance next week."
"It's pretty serious. They think he might have meningitis," Jason said.
"That's still no excuse," Chad grumbled.
"Meningitis can be fatal," I put in.
Chad looked at me, his eyes wide. "Seriously?"
I nodded.
"He'll be fine, Chad. Chase is coming over, anyway. We need to decide our set list."
Clara, who'd been standing nervously in the background came over to Jason and tapped him on the shoulder, giving him a significant look. Jason excused himself and went with her back to the end of the driveway where they'd been before, and they started arguing again in harsh whispers. Chad just shrugged and took my arm, pulling me into the house with him behind Jason's mother.
Jason's mother immediately began to bustle about the kitchen, putting away groceries, but she refused to let Chad and me help her. Instead, she made us sit at the kitchen table and covered it with dishes of what can only be described as obscene amounts of sinfully delicious smelling food.
I didn't want to offend my hostess, especially as I'd shown up at her house uninvited, but I didn't feel especially hungry. I sat across the kitchen table from Chad and picked at my food half-heartedly while Chad talked boisterously and Mrs. Fuentes continued to clatter pans in the kitchen. I leaned around Chad to get a better view of the window, which faced the driveway. I saw Clara looking at her feet while Jason gestured sternly at her. She looked like a small child being lectured by a parent.
"-so then Chase said 'fine, you can have the burrito,'" Chad said, folding his arms and smirking. Apparently, he'd just finished telling what he thought was a hilarious story.
I forced myself to chuckle as though I'd understood the punch-line. This seemed to satisfy Chad, and he continued.
"Are you on a diet?" Chad asked.
"Should I be?" I responded, raising my eyebrows.
"I've just never seen anyone pick at Mrs. Fuentes' cooking like that," Chad said quickly, indicating the full plate in front of me.
"I'm not hungry," I said, pushing the plate across the table towards him.
Chad happily took the plate from me and began finishing off the food. I put my head, which was beginning to throb, down on the cool, marble surface of the table.
"Are you ok?" Chad asked.
"I'll live," I said. "I just wish my life weren't so complicated."
"Are you bothered by what's going on between Clara and Jason?" Chad asked between mouthfuls. Then he paused and said, "do you know what's going on between Clara and Jason? You aren't supposed to know, but they aren't exactly being discreet."
"I've been trying to respect their wishes, and mind my own business," I said, sighing.
"I'll tell you why they've been arguing, if you want," Chad said. "The argument is really about you. Just don't tell Summer that I'm the one who told you. That girl can be terrifying." Chad shivered.
Before I could answer, Jason and Chase came inside. Chad caught my eye, winked, and held his finger to his lips before they sat down with us at the kitchen table.
Soon, the boys were deep in conversation about their band, so I slipped outside to search for Clara.
Outside, the clouds had broken up and drifted toward the horizon, where the sun was setting. The sun was deep red, and seemed to set everything aflame with crimson light.
Clara stood on the front steps again, this time she was talking to Summer and another girl with short, blonde hair, whom I recognized as Chase's girlfriend, Holly. Clara looked up at me- her pale face was almost orange in the russet light. I smiled tentatively, and she let out a deep sigh, as though in relief, and smiled back. Summer and Holly stopped talking and smiled welcomingly.
"Hey, Miranda," Summer said brightly. "Tell Clara not to go home yet. Everyone is here, and I want to go swimming."
"I thought I might go home, actually," I replied. "I wanted to talk to Jason, but it doesn't seem like I'll get a chance. Besides, I have a headache."
"Who cares about Jason? As long as we're here, we might as well use his pool. It's huge, and it's heated, too, so the cold doesn't matter," Summer persisted.
"I didn't bring a suit," Clara said.
"Neither did I," Holly agreed.
"They always keep a whole bunch of clean extras in the guest room," Summer said. "That’s what I used at the end-of-year party this summer, because I'd forgotten mine."
&nb
sp; I shrugged in resignation, "let's ask Jason's mother first, at least."
Mrs. Fuentes, who seemed like a very warm and generous person, and whom I found myself liking more and more, was more than happy to let us use the pool. She even searched the guest room for us, to find a bathing suit that would fit each of us. When we were finally dressed and went outside, the red light of the sunset had faded, the first stars were beginning to appear overhead in the deep blue sky. The shimmering, silver crescent moon was rising slowly above the clouds.
The backyard was dominated by a very large rectangular pool, which was lit at one end by a dull yellow light which glowed half-heartedly under the water. It was a quiet evening, almost eerily so after the afternoon’s storm. The only sound was the trickle of water that fell from two shell-shaped fountains on the far end of the pool, which separated the pool from a small hot-tub. The setting seemed like it was from a place outside of time, where roman baths met modern luxury under an endless, starry sky, and I found myself beginning to relax.
Summer was the first to jump into the pool, splashing Clara, Holly, and I who laughed, but waded in carefully. This proved to be unnecessary, however, because the water was quite warm, almost like bath water. I swam out into the middle of the pool and turned over on my back to float and watch the stars. As the light from the sunset began to fade, more and more stars came out- pinpoints of light in an inky canvas. The tiny, dazzling stars only seemed to make the darkness appear deeper. I should have been awed and afraid, but I succumbed to the serenity of the night.
"Why is everyone so quiet?" Summer asked, sounding frustrated by the silence. "Miranda, you look like you're deep in thought, what are you thinking about?"
"I'm not thinking at all," I replied. I turned over to look at Summer. "I'm completely Zen."
"Well, stop it," she replied, and splashed me in the face. I laughed and splashed her back, and soon we were all engaged in a battle; Summer and Holly against Clara and me. Summer finally forced our surrender by dunking Clara underwater. Clara came back up, sputtering, and called a time out.
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