“If that’s true, Mark, then what hope is there, for anyone? What should I do?”
“Keep fighting, Miranda. When logic can’t save you, and when the correct path is blocked by injustice, then logic should give way to anger, and love, and the other feelings which give you the strength to fight injustice. Don’t be ashamed of them, and label them ‘selfish.’ You are entitled to them. Don’t relinquish your feelings, just because they can be painful.”
“But your feelings destroyed you,” I said.
“I didn’t have the strength of mind that you possess, Miranda. You can bear your feelings, and control them, far better than I ever could, because you use your logic to keep them in check. You’re becoming unbalanced, though. You’re trying to use your logic to bury them. Both your mind and your spirit are vital, Miranda, as much as your body is.”
“Then what do I do now, Mark? All three have become a burden to me.”
“Just let go, Miranda. You’ll be fine, trust me. Go back, experience all of life- the hardships, and the triumphs- and be complete.”
“I’m weak now, Mark. I don’t know if I’ll live.”
“You will. You have to return to Mom, Dad, Aunt Lizzy, and Clara…” Mark trailed off, and blushed a bit. The blush looked out of place on Mark; I’d never known him to be easily embarrassed.
“What is it like to fall in love, Miranda?” he asked. “I’d always wanted to know.”
I was seized with a pang of regret, for his sake, but I couldn’t form tears. I put my hand against the glass which separated us.
“Love is almost indescribable,” I said. “It’s a thirst- a yearning that can’t be filled, but a pleasant one. It’s like losing yourself and finding yourself all at once.”
Mark smiled, seemingly content with my answer. He put his hand against the glass, maddeningly close to touching mine.
“I love you, Miranda. I will always be with you.”
The sunlight grew dazzlingly bright, all at once, and my vision exploded in bright red and yellow spots. The light seemed almost tangible, pressing against my eyelids, which I now realized were closed. My body was no longer drifting, but was painfully bound by gravity once more. My muscles were sore, and my limbs were leaden.
I was alive, and awake.
Chapter 15
Home
The Chariot
“Her fever has broken, I think,” I heard a voice- Alice’s voice- say. “I’m not an expert, but she’s cooler, and she’s not as flushed.”
I felt a hand on my forehead, and an achingly familiar voice said, “You’re right, Alice. Her face is much cooler, and her color is better. The worst is over.”
“Good,” Alice said. “It’s been a hard night. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.”
I tried to stir, but my muscles resisted. The bed was warm, and the blankets which covered me were soft, so I sighed and gave into the sensation of comfort.
“Thank you again, Alice, for helping me to take care of her. You never left her side, all night.”
“My intentions are entirely selfish, I assure you,” Alice replied. “If I’m here with you, Dr. Caleb can’t murder me.”
“I owe you another debt for that- for getting yourself in trouble for her sake.”
“I was so angry,” Alice said. “She looked like she was on the threshold of death, and they didn’t seem to care. I think they were in denial about how serious it was, because they knew it was all their fault.”
“If half of what you told me is true, then Dr. Caleb will be held accountable for his actions. Her father is with him now, interrogating him. I almost feel sorry for the fraud.”
I recognized the voice, then, and no amount of exhaustion could keep my eyes shut. I opened them, and saw my mother’s warm smile.
“Mother!” I struggled to sit up, but she put a gentle hand against me, keeping me on the bed.
“Welcome back to the land of the living,” she said. “You need to rest though, sweetie. You’ve been through quite a lot.”
“When did you get here?” I asked. “How long was I asleep?”
“Don’t get overexcited,” Mother admonished. “Your fever may have broken, but you’re still very weak. You should sleep.”
“How can I sleep now?” I asked. “I’m afraid that if I fall asleep, you will leave, or I’ll awaken again to find that this was all a dream.”
“Listen to yourself, Miranda. Can you hear how raw and scratchy your voice is? Drink some water,” she said, handing me a glass, “and while you drink, I’ll explain.”
I agreed, and drank deeply, grateful for the cool liquid against my parched throat. Mother seemed placated.
“It’s Monday morning. Yesterday, Alice called me, in tears, saying that you were extremely ill, and that the staff had been mistreating you. She said that, even though you were ill, the staff refused to contact your father or me.”
I looked at Alice, who was standing away from the bed, looking uncomfortable.
“I wasn’t in tears,” was all she said.
I gave her a grateful smile, but she seemed annoyed by my attempt to thank her.
“Listen, Miranda, on Sunday morning, Pastor Smith said that you were sick, and that you weren’t allowed any visitors. Grace told me some wild story that she’d seen you being dragged outside, past midnight, and I got worried.”
“Yes, they took me to the chapel, and tried to exorcise my demons,” I said.
Mother and Alice both stared at me, wearing open expressions of shock.
“An exorcism? Seriously?” Alice said.
I nodded. “I’m not the only one. James had one, too, before he left.”
“They did this at night?” Mother said.
“Yes. I was already sick, and it was very cold in the chapel. I can’t remember what happened after the exorcism, though. I thought they had killed me.”
“I thought they had killed you, too,” Alice said. “I snuck into the infirmary, and peeked under the curtain. When I saw you lying there, all pale and waiflike as Ms. Sweeny tried to bring down your fever, I knew you were in trouble. I went through Ms. Sweeny’s desk, to find your parent’s number, and I called them when it was my turn to make my weekly call. I explained as much as I could before Pastor Smith realized what I was doing, and disconnected the call.”
“As soon as the line went dead,” Mother said, “I called Dr. Caleb to demand to know what was happening. He insisted that you only had a mild flu. He refused to let me speak to you, though, and it had been so long since I’d been able to speak to you, that I knew something was amiss. I told him that I would come to take you home as soon as I could. When I did, he seemed to panic, so I decided that your situation must be pretty bad. Your father and I boarded the first plane we could.
“Almost as soon as we arrived, an ice storm began, and by the time we drove out here, the roads were completely iced over. You were still unconscious, and your fever was dangerously high, but we couldn’t get you to a hospital. We worked to keep your fever down, and Alice stayed here, helping me as well as telling me everything she knew about what had happened.”
“And now that my fever is gone, can I go home?” I asked.
Mother smiled sheepishly, and nodded. “This has been a disaster, hasn’t it? I thought about things, while you were sleeping, and I decided that perhaps, since this has failed, we should try things your way, for a while- carefully- and see how things turn out.”
“Does that mean you accept me, the way I am?” I asked.
“What a silly question, Miranda. You’re my daughter. I’ll always accept you.”
#
I slept soon after our conversation, and the only times during the day I awoke were to take my meals. The next day, I felt infinitely better. My limbs were no longer sore, I was bright and alert, and I was deemed fit to travel. My mother went to my room to pack my belongings, and I sat with Daddy in the infirmary.
“Well, Miranda, I guess your mother and I screwed up quite a bit, didn�
��t we?” he asked.
“You don’t have to apologize,” I said. “I’m just happy to be going home.”
“Don’t excuse what we did. We panicked, Miranda. I panicked more than your mother did. You see, I always have understood your brother pretty well. He had his mood swings, certainly, but he always said exactly what was on his mind. I never could figure out what was going on in your head. You were the quiet one- deep, too. Sometimes you would say or do something entirely unexpected, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I wondered if, perhaps, I was always a little too distant with you. I wondered if I hadn’t made things…”
“You worried that your distance helped turn me gay?”
He laughed awkwardly. “I expected, one day, to have to deal with boyfriends of yours that I disapproved of, but I never expected anything like this. I thought you were confused. I think, maybe, that I was the one who was confused. You’ve really grown up a lot, haven’t you? I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”
“If it helps you feel any better; I didn’t really notice, either.”
Daddy laughed heartily at this, and gave me a big, warm, bear hug.
Soon afterward, Mother returned from the dorms with my bags. “I got your books back from Ms. Sweeny, so there’s nothing left for you to do but get dressed and leave. By the way, I found the letters and the Christmas gift you received from your friends. Don’t worry, I didn’t read the letters, but I thought you might not want to leave them tucked into the crack under your windowsill.”
I smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Mother. And thank you for letting them send the gift, to begin with.”
“I didn’t actually,” Mother laughed. “I do remember, one day before Christmas, Chad and Summer came to visit, and Chad was acting peculiar. I think that Summer must have slipped the gift into the parcel I was packing for you, while he distracted me.”
I joined in the laughter. “That sounds like one of Summer’s brilliant schemes.”
I got up, then, and left to go to the restroom to change into the warm clothes Mother had left unpacked for me.
Ms. Sweeny was waiting for me in the hallway. Her hands were clasped in front of her and her head was lowered humbly. She looked up as I emerged, and I saw that her eyes were filled with despair. I was reminded of the way Amber had looked at me on that last day in the church sanctuary.
“Miranda,” Ms. Sweeny said softly, “I can’t express how sorry I am about your illness, and my inadequate response. I’m sorry that I allowed them to perform the exorcism on you, even though you were already ill, and I’m sorry I failed to get you the medical attention you needed when you took a turn for the worse. I was only doing what Dr. Caleb ordered, but that is no excuse. Please, Miranda, forgive me.” She let her head fall again.
“Ms. Sweeny, I realize your intentions are good, but you must realize I’m not the only one who has suffered here. Everyone who got sick this year had to suffer, so far from home, and isolated in the mountains, without access to proper medical care. I think we’re lucky I’m the only one who was in real danger. I think the others deserve an apology, as well.”
“We do the best we can, under the circumstances,” Ms. Sweeny said.
“The ‘circumstances’ are unacceptable. You isolate us on purpose, and it’s bad for our physical and mental health. You tell us that we’re sinners, that we’re bound to hell for thoughts and urges we have little control over. You tell us we’re sick, and blame us when we’re unable to become well. It’s impossible to thrive like this.”
“Miranda, I believe that, with enough faith, you can become well. It’s not impossible, as you say.” Ms. Sweeny’s humility had vanished. She raised her head and looked at me, her eyes bright with the force of her convictions.
“I can’t respect your beliefs, Ms. Sweeny, not when they’re causing so much real, tangible harm. You shouldn’t force your beliefs on us. We need to find our own path, and I promise you, we will be okay.”
Ms. Sweeny was silent for a moment, then she sighed, and reached to shake my hand. “I hope you do find your path, Miranda. I’ll be praying for you.”
#
When I emerged from the restroom, dressed and ready to leave, I saw Alice, waiting for me in the hall where Ms. Sweeny had been moments before.
“I guess this is goodbye,” she said.
I tried to smile, but as glad as I was to be going home, when I saw her I felt a pang of guilt and regret. “Mother said she was going to talk to your mother on your behalf, and explain what has been happening here. I hope you can go home soon, too.”
“It doesn’t matter if I stay,” Alice said. “Dr. Caleb said I’m a juvenile delinquent, and he’s completely given up on me. I haven’t been to classes or counseling sessions today, and no one has said anything.”
“It’s rather childish of him, to give up his life’s calling just because you can’t behave,” I said. “Still, take care of yourself. He’s the vindictive sort.”
“I’ll be fine,” she shrugged.
Mother and Daddy came down the hall, then, dragging my enormous trunk behind them.
“Are you ready?” Mother asked.
“Completely and utterly,” I replied.
“Take care of yourself, Alice. Thank you for everything,” Mother said, kissing Alice on the cheek.
“Don’t worry. We’ll find a way to get you sprung from here,” Daddy said, gathering Alice into a hug.
“Thanks,” she murmured, beet red from embarrassment.
I didn’t want to get Alice in more trouble, so I refrained from hugging her, and merely shook her hand. She smiled sadly, and clasped both of her hands over mine. Then I turned and followed my parents, leaving my benefactor alone in the hallway.
When I stepped outside, into the free winter air, I put and arm around Mother, and another around Daddy.
“I never realized, before, how lucky I was to have parents who love me.” I said.
#
I was weak and tired, but I didn’t rest at all on my journey home. The taste of liberty sweetened everything, and I don’t want to miss a moment of my homecoming. I watched eagerly as we left the mountains behind, and land flattened out as we drove towards the airport. We boarded a plane, and despite my mother’s admonishment that I should rest, I watched through the windows as we glided over the clouds, and as we dipped down again, through the white veil, I was certain I could see San Avila among the tiny patches of brown scattered along the coast.
When we landed, the weather was warm and spring-like, and I gladly shed my coat and pulled up my sleeves. I could taste the sea-salt, wet on the breeze, and I breathed it in greedily. My heart leapt as I saw each familiar sight on the drive home, and as we pulled into our own driveway, I was so overwhelmed with joy that I had to wipe away he tears which sprung to my eyes, so I could better see the large, white house, with its wrap-around porch and sparkling bay windows.
Inside, I put my bags in my room, and then walked through the house, looking at everything. It was all just how I’d left it. Downstairs, I struck the keys on the piano, letting its warm, familiar tone fill the room.
Mother had been watching from the doorway with a look of amusement on her face, but now approached me with a strict expression.
“I know you’re excited, but I want you to try to rest. I have your phone. If you lay quietly in your bed for an hour, I will give it back to you, so that you can call your friends.”
“I am a little tired, but I don’t think I can sleep. I will lay down for an hour, though, to make you feel better,” I said, holding out my hand to shake on it. Mother ignored my hand, though, and pulled me into a hug.
“I’m glad you’re home, Miranda. I’m sorry we sent you to that terrible place.”
“Don’t talk about it anymore. It’s all behind me, now,” I replied.
#
I was exhausted, and the bed was softer, and the sheets cooler and more comfortable than I remembered. Despite my protestations, I actually slept the full hour, and wanted to s
tay asleep when my little alarm rang, but I remembered my mother’s promise. I got up, dressed in my most comfortable jeans, and then went to retrieve my phone.
I wanted to call Clara first, but I was seized by a sudden fear that she had found someone else, and would not want to talk to me. I knew that we would be friends, no matter the circumstances, but I didn’t want to put her in an awkward position. I remembered my Aunt Elizabeth, and reasoned that she was probably worried about me, so I called her first.
Aunt Elizabeth was almost frantic with worry, because she hadn’t spoken to mother since just before the boarded the plane to come get me. I told her a little of what had happened, but I tried to soften the details, nonetheless. I knew that she could tell that my ordeals in the abbey had been worse than I was letting on, but I wanted to enjoy my homecoming, and I wasn’t ready to relive the past, so I answered her questions quickly, with a promise to contact her again soon, and said goodbye.
I called Clara next, but though I called her twice, I received no answer. Disappointed, but undaunted, I called Summer.
She answered her phone immediately. “Hi, is this Mrs. Rothschild?” she said.
“No, it’s ‘Miss Rothschild,’ Miranda,” I said.
There was a moment of silence, then I heard a piercing shriek, and had to hold the phone away from my ear.
“No, it can’t be Miranda.”
“I promise, I am Miranda,” I said.
“You’re back?”
“Yes, unless this is all a dream.”
“Are you visiting, or are you home to stay?”
“I’m home to stay,” I assured her.
There was another shriek, and then she said, “what are you doing? Get your butt down here, so we can see you for ourselves. We need proof that this isn’t some elaborate prank.”
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