His hands roamed down my curves, over my hips, and cupped my butt as he lifted me and backed me firmly against the wall. I moaned into his mouth, grabbing his shirt and yanking it up. I desperately needed to feel his skin under my fingers, to relearn what it felt like to have him. He obligingly broke the kiss off long enough for me to remove the shirt, and took advantage of the opportunity to haul mine over my head, too, without hesitation.
No complaints about that on my end.
He froze as he dropped the shirt, and for a second I thought he’d come to his senses, but then he slowly trailed his fingers up my ribcage, leaving goosebumps in his wake. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Sarah.”
I swallowed hard, not sure what to say, but luckily, I didn’t have to think of anything. He melded his mouth to mine again, and I ran my trembling hands over his hard biceps. Every inch of his body had been chiseled to perfection, and it was hard not to be a little self-conscious about the fact that I hadn’t been wearing a bra under my shirt, and that I was now topless in front of a man who by all accounts and purposes hadn’t skipped a day at the gym for years.
Why’d I eat all that chicken at dinner?
But all those lingering thoughts went away as he closed his palms over my breasts, running the sides of his thumbs across my hard nipples. I dug my nails into his skin, opening my mouth to his. As soon as my lips parted, he slid his tongue inside, tasting me without any signs of the doubt that had plagued me. And just like that?
I doubted no more.
Instead, I relearned his body as his tongue and fingers drove me to heights I hadn’t seen before. Everywhere I touched was rock hard and incredibly addictive, and I couldn’t get enough of the way his crisp chest hair felt under my fingertips. I eagerly followed the trail of hair down his chest, over his abs, and to his waist. When I hit his belt, I hesitated, not sure whether to undo it, or wait to see if he came to his senses…
As if he heard my thoughts, he ended the kiss, dropped me down on my own feet again, and stepped back once I was steady. He kicked his black shoes to the side and undid his belt without taking his eyes off me, pausing only to remove a condom from his pocket before letting his pants hit the floor. Clothed only in a pair of boxers, he flexed his jaw, his hands fisted at his sides. “I’ll only ask this one time, Sarah. Are you sure you want to do this?”
I swallowed hard, taking in every detail about him. His broad shoulders. The hard pecs with a coating of blond chest hair. His narrow waist, and the happy trail that begged me to keep following it, no matter what might happen if I did. But more than all that, I couldn’t look away from the look in his eyes. He looked at me as if he might die if I changed my mind and walked, but he’d still pulled back long enough to give me the opportunity to do so.
Because that’s the kind of guy he was.
Smiling, I tugged my pajama pants down until I, too, stood in nothing but my underwear. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, Ben.”
He swallowed hard, his jaw flexing. Before I could so much as blink, he was on me. His mouth collided with mine, shooting off sparks, and he trapped me between the cool wall and his hard, hot flesh. The contrast was downright tantalizing. He cupped my breasts, squeezing them with the perfect amount of pressure as he moved his hips against me, brushing against me in all the right places. I scratched my nails down his back, skimming over his shoulders and spine, not stopping until I reached the top of his boxer briefs.
Once there, I hesitated only a fraction of a second this time before sliding over his hips, to his stomach, down the happy trail, and inside his boxers. I closed my fist over his cock, squeezing the head and tugging gently. He groaned and thrust into my hand, his own slipping lower down my body to reciprocate my soft touches. When he teased my flesh, circling over where I needed him most without touching me with enough pressure to relieve my need, I moaned into his mouth, tugging on him harder.
“Ben…” I whimpered into his mouth, needing him to give me more, like, yesterday.
That seemed to be all the encouragement he needed. Breaking off the kiss, he dropped to his knees, putting him face level with my belly. He yanked my underwear down my legs, lifted my right knee, tossed it over his shoulder, and buried his face in between my thighs, sending me straight to heaven without a warning.
His tongue moved over me with a perfect rhythm that sent me soaring higher with each stroke, while his hands skimmed over my bare skin everywhere he could reach. My thighs. Waist. Breasts. My butt. Nothing was safe from his torment.
Every stroke, every graze, set my nerves on fire even more. Every muscle in my body tensed and strove for release, begging for him to give me what only he could. I strained to get closer to him, pumping my hips slowly as I grasped for the unreachable until it was suddenly there, in my grasp, and lights burst into my vision as I came hard.
I pressed against his mouth, riding out the wave, and then sagged against the wall, breathing heavily. As I tried to see straight again, he rolled a condom onto his engorged cock, taking care of the protection aspect of what we were about to do. I swallowed hard, my heart pounding a loud staccato against my ribs. It wouldn’t slow down. Wouldn’t calm.
Sure, I’d been with him before, but we’d been little more than children. Clearly, he’d learned some tricks over the years since I’d been gone. I tried not to let that bother me, because I’d learned a few tricks of my own, but jealousy crept up anyway. It was my fault he’d learned this stuff without me, and that was something I’d never forgive myself for.
He picked me up, backed me against the wall, kissing me just as frantically as he’d done before he sent me shooting into the sky. Then he drove inside of me, filling me completely, and I clung to him tightly, with no intention of ever letting go again…
Even though we both knew full well I’d have to.
Eighteen
Ben
Having Sarah in my arms again was like realizing I’d been asleep for the past ten years, and what I thought had been reality was in fact a dream. But now I was awake and I remembered what it felt like to be truly alive again. To breathe and laugh and feel. Now that I’d found that feeling again, now that I’d woken up, I didn’t want to fall back asleep. There were a million reasons why we shouldn’t be doing this, and a million and one reasons why it would never work…but there was also one huge reason why I didn’t give a damn.
It was Sarah. It was always Sarah.
I thrust inside her, holding onto her tightly as I kissed her with every ounce of need I’d been feeling since the moment she walked back into my life, hating me because she thought I could have cheated on her. Her body closed around me, squeezing me, and I moved inside her at a steady rhythm, letting instinct take over. Every muscle inside me tensed, demanding release, but I refused to get there until I brought her to orgasm at least one more time.
As I moved inside her, I slipped my hand between us, rolling my fingers over her. Memories of her fucking my mouth with wild abandon hit me, doing nothing to calm my demanding body down, but there was no shutting those images down even if I wanted to—which I, of course, didn’t. I’d be replaying that memory in my mind for the rest of my life.
I deepened the kiss as I thrust inside her again, groaning when she writhed against me, her walls clenching down on me even tighter than before. She tasted as good as I remembered. Like happiness and heaven, all mixed into one. That didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t give a damn.
As my fingers moved over her wet skin, she cried my name into my mouth, digging her nails into my back so hard it hurt, just the way I liked it. Her body closed around mine, squeezing me in all the right places, bringing me dangerously close as she tumbled head over heels down the edge of pleasure. Growling, I finally let myself go, fucking her without a hint of self-control or calmness. I thrust inside her sweet body—faster, harder—and she cried out again, her body tensing around mine as she strained to reach orgasm one more time. When she got too loud, I silenced her cries with my mouth, h
olding my own pleasure back until she came again.
Pressing my fingers against her already sensitive core, I thrust inside her once, twice—bam, she came. This time, I was right there with her, blackness washing over me as I came so hard I forgot who I was and where I was for a brief second, but never who I was with.
Sarah. My Sarah.
Resting my forehead on hers, I kissed her sweetly one more time before pulling back to survey her face. I’d gotten a little rough at the end there, and couldn’t help but wonder if I’d been a little too rough. I searched her face for any signs of pain or regret, but her dark brown eyes were glowing with happiness, and her skin flushed with pleasure.
Pleasure I’d put there.
“Wow,” she breathed, smiling shyly at me, which was a little absurd considering I was still buried inside her body, but whatever. “That was amazing.”
“Agreed,” I managed to say, my voice still raspy. I touched her cheek, pushing her dampened hair off her sweaty skin. That simple movement, and the way she leaned into my touch with her eyes shut, hit my chest like a fist. It somehow felt even more intimate than what we’d just done. “I know this is a mess of complications we didn’t need, but I don’t regret a damn second of it. I refuse to pretend otherwise.”
“Me, too.” Her lids drifted up. “I don’t regret it either.”
I hesitated to ruin the mood, but shit had to be said. “But we—”
“I know. No one can know.”
I swallowed hard. “I can’t lose you as a partner. Not now.”
“I don’t want to lose you, either,” she practically whispered, not meeting my eyes.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to say. We couldn’t be together, but we didn’t want to be apart. There was no happy ending to this. No easy out. No obvious answers. What the hell were we supposed to do? “I need to be with you to watch your back. I don’t trust anyone else.”
“I know. This… It won’t happen ever again.” She licked her lips. “It can be a one-time thing, a goodbye of sorts.”
Hesitating, I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened it again, shifting my weight slightly as I debated my response very carefully. I didn’t want this to be a one-time thing, not at all, but aside from sneaking around behind everyone’s back at the precinct, including my father’s, was there really another option? “Is that what you want this to be? A goodbye?” I asked, my throat thick.
She bit her lip. “Don’t ask me that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you won’t like the answer,” she said, holding onto my biceps. “I care about you, Ben. I do. But I’ve been down this road before, and your dad kind of has it right. Dating your partner is never a good idea. It…complicates things.”
I swallowed back my protests about not liking her answer, and focused on the one I should voice out loud. “I’m not him. Don’t fucking compare me to him.”
“I’m not,” she assured me quickly. “I never would.”
I said nothing, because it sure as hell sounded like she just had.
“But despite how much we like one another, despite our past feelings, we can’t risk everything, right?” She studied me closely. Too closely. “We can’t lose our jobs because we used to have feelings for one another, once upon a time.”
What else was I supposed to say to that? That I still had feelings for her? That I’d give up anything for her, if she gave me the slightest clue that she wanted me to? It didn’t matter if that was true, because for us to work, she needed to want me as badly as I wanted her, and that just wasn’t going to happen. If it was, she wouldn’t be pushing me away right now. “Right.”
For a second, she looked upset. As if maybe she wanted me to go ahead and lay it all on the line, but she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and anything I may or may not have seen was gone when she looked at me again. For all I knew, it had been a figment of my imagination. More than likely, it was. “So, then, this is goodbye.”
“Well, not completely. We’re still par—”
“But it is.” She framed my cheeks with her hands, locking gazes with me, and my heart twisted in my chest painfully. “This is the moment when we move from what we were, what we could have been all those years ago if things had been different, and now we have to become…partners who have one another’s backs, no matter what.”
If that was what she wanted, if that was what she needed from me, then I’d give it to her. I’d sworn to myself, and to her, on that football field in junior year, that anything she needed, I’d give to her. She’d needed space to think, and go to college across the country? I’d given it to her. She’d needed a partner when she came back, running from a crazy ex, and caring for her mother? I’d given her that, too. Closure? Sure, I’d take my clothes off and give her that.
Now…she was asking me to give her a partner, and nothing else, so guess what? I’d make sure she got what she needed. It’s what I did. Took care of her.
Swallowing hard, I stepped back from her, pulling out of her body for the last time. Guess it was my turn to walk away now. To deny myself of the only thing I’d ever wanted in my life—her. Holding my hand out, I forced a calm smile I didn’t feel as we stood in her living room, naked and covered in one another’s sweat. “To being platonic partners?”
She eyed my hand, then slid hers into it. “To being partners.”
God help us both.
Nineteen
Sarah
The next afternoon, we sat in Captain’s office, staring at him as he read my file, trying not to stare at one another as he did so. Last night with Ben had been…yeah, it had been incredible. The things dreams were made of. I’d never felt the way he made me feel—alive, vibrant, wanted—with any other man, and I had begun to suspect I imagined the whole thing. That all those memories of coming to life in his arms had been the childish fantasies of a girl who’d loved a boy with all her heart, and that the reality of the subject had been far duller than remembered.
One night in his arms had robbed me of that notion.
Being with Ben was like chasing a violent storm. I knew it might hurt me, and there was a chance I’d end up sucked into an endless void, but I did it anyway because guess what?
The risks were worth the reward.
If he’d wanted more than a one-time thing, if he’d wanted to keep on seeing each other in secret, I had a feeling I would have done it, despite the consequences. I would have given it all up for him, but in all honesty, I was happy he hadn’t asked me to do so. To risk everything was to put my ability to care for my mother in jeopardy, and I couldn’t do that. I could risk it all for myself, but not my ailing mother. It was better this way…
Or so I kept telling myself.
But having him at my side, dressed in his usual suit and button up shirt, was killing that thought process in my head, because he looked good enough to lick. He’d slicked his blond hair slicked back and slightly to the side, the way I liked it, and those arms that had held me up as he brought me to pleasure repeatedly were bulging against his suit jacket, begging to be set free.
I couldn’t stop staring.
One taste of what things had been like with Ben wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. And yet…it had to be enough. I couldn’t risk losing my job, and having to move my mother out of her home. I couldn’t just get a job in another town, since it was imperative I remain close to my mother in case of emergencies. There was no way this worked out happily for us, yet I knew instinctively that if we did this, if we ignored caution and gave us a try, we’d be happy. Truly happy.
Life wasn’t fair.
I glanced at Ben again, unable to help myself.
He’d been staring at me, but when I looked at him, he jerked himself slightly as if he realized he’d been staring, sat up straighter, and winked cockily at me.
I forced a calm smile in return.
Captain lifted his chin. “Did no one stand by your side after this went down?”
“No, sir.” I gripped m
y knees. “No one.”
“And your partner?” he asked, staring at me as if he hadn’t watched me grow up, and as if I hadn’t sat at his table every Sunday night for dinner. “He went to jail?”
“I was told he would, sir,” I said slowly, glancing at Ben. “But then Detective Rollins informed me that never happened, and he was free to stalk me as he chose.”
Ben flexed his jaw. “A freedom he is clearly taking advantage of, sir. There was a rose on her porch yesterday, something he used to give her after…after…beating her. And there’s been phone calls, too.”
I side-eyed him. I’d told him that in confidence last night before he’d left, but Captain had requested full details, so I guess it was time to give them. “I don’t have any proof either of those things were him, though, besides my instinct.”
“They were him,” Ben said without a hint of doubt.
His certainty matched my own feelings on the matter.
“I’ve got some more bad news,” Captain said slowly.
I hesitated, glancing at Ben for any hints of what might be coming. He looked as interested in this information as me, so I guess this was news to him, too. Had he found out about what happened last night already? Was I about to get fired? There was only one way to find out. “And what might that be, sir?”
“He got the PFA thrown out on grounds of slander and libel.” He hesitated. “After you left, he proceeded to plead his case with the judge, who, from what I hear, is in his pocket.”
I stiffened, my heart tearing. “He is. But I never thought…” I broke off, taking a second to gather myself. “So, what you’re saying is there’s nothing stopping him, legally, from showing up on my doorstep.”
On the Line (Out of Line Book 7) Page 8