“Brother, we love the game, but these streets are mean and cruel. I lost my li’l brother to the streets, and each day I realize this ain’t the life, but this is all I know. You’re still young, and you have a family. Get out and live your life.”
“Yea, bro, I think ’bout it e’eryday. I want to be around to raise my seed. I didn’t have no pops so Mom-dukes held it down as much as she could, but the fact is, these streets raised me. I want different for my seed.”
“That’s a decision only you can make; you know that. Only a few of us ever made it out. Either you’re six feet under or pressing a bunk in prison.”
“Well, I can’t risk either, so I’m about to be ghost in exactly two weeks.”
“Sounds good; be easy. Be your own guardian. Protect yourself, my brother.”
“A’ight, son.”
He let me out the door, and we dapped each other; then I got into my truck. This talk between us was so tense. I love rapping with him because whenever we do, I always walk away with some type of knowledge.
* * *
I headed home to holla at Sierra about the move I was ready to make. I needed to know what it was—either she was riding with me or not. I would prefer if she did, ’cause I need to be in my child’s life. I felt like I was ready to settle down with her and be a family. I didn’t want to lose her behind some fuckery.
On the drive home, I probed my memory to remember all the places that Shayna talked about visiting, all the different states that we visited together. I knew that she didn’t fall off the face of the earth. Somebody, somewhere know where the fuck she’s at. I need to turn the heat up, and I bet you motherfuckers will start talking.
Chapter Ten
Sierra Rogers
So much had been going on. Alijah and I barely spoke to each other. I sent him a message that I was sick of him and his bullshit. I knew I was a good bitch and plenty niggas would love to wife me. If he continued playing his childish-ass games, he’d find himself alone.
I’ve been a hustler from the time I was a child, so taking care of me was no big deal. I was tempted to walk away from the house and go find me a two-bedroom apartment. I wasn’t one of these dumb bitches that needed a fucking man. I looked at it like this . . . I could do for myself, and I please myself if I have to. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him and wanted a family with him, but I wouldn’t deal with no disrespectful-ass dude that thought because his money was long, he could disrespect me. I knew my pussy was tight and wet. I could ride a dick, had a cute face, and had a career. So niggas better come correct.
Li’l Mo’ was still in her feelings; honestly, I didn’t understand the reason behind it. She knew I had a man, yet she had the nerve to ask me to leave him. That was some crazy shit right there. I liked pussy; might can go a little further and say I loved pussy, but I would not be in any type of relationship with another woman. Bitches were needy, had too many hormones. That was too much pussy rubbing together and not enough dicks in between. I had to shut her down. I loved her as a friend, and I had a physical attraction to her, but I loved my man more and was not going to leave him for her. I really hoped she understood where I was coming from and let it go so we can remain friends.
* * *
Jeanette had been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t know why because I still had no understanding of how she up and left her only child. She left me around drug addicts, murderers, and rapists. I wondered if I ever crossed her mind the entire time that she was gone. At first, I didn’t want to talk to her, but over the weeks, it’s been bothering me. I needed answers, and the only person that could give them to me was my egg donor.
I recalled that the last time she was here. She left her address and phone number. I was going to throw it away, but something held me back. I left it on the coffee table in the living room. I decided to get it and pay her a visit. The day was cold and brisk, but I wasn’t going to let it sway me away from going around Whitcomb Courts. I needed to see her.
I pulled up on Whitcomb Street, then double-checked the address she wrote on the paper. I found the address and parked my car. I hopped my pregnant tail to the door. I didn’t like to come to Whitcomb because these dudes were not nice, and they stay beefing with Creighton niggas. They had a reputation for jumping people. If you get into a fight with one, you can expect the whole family, including the grandma, to jump on you.
I banged on the iron door. There was no response. I banged a few more times, waited a few seconds, then decided to leave. Suddenly, the door popped open, and I turned around. She stared at me as if I were a ghost.
“W-h-a-t are you doing here?”
“Hello, Jeanette. I didn’t think I needed an invitation.”
“No, no, baby, just never thought you would come. Here, come in and have a seat.”
Against my better judgment, I followed her inside, and the first thing that caught my nosy ass was the scent of stale urine. The carpet was torn up, dirty, and covered with Kool-Aid stains. There was no furniture; a white plastic chair was by the doorway. I wasn’t going to sit down, especially after I just saw about three roaches crawling along the wall by the door. I felt nauseated. The bagel and egg sandwich I ate earlier were getting ready to come right back up.
I needed air. I had to step outside.
“Look, let’s step outside. I can’t breathe up in here.” I opened the door and walked outside and immediately welcomed the cold air that hit my face. She also stepped outside.
“You know, you shouldn’t be in the cold like this. You’re pregnant, plus your health is not at its best.”
“Listen, I got this! Whose apartment is this? It’s filthy.”
“It’s a friend of mine. I help out with the chirren, and she gives me a place to lay my head.”
“No children should live in such filth, and you ain’t no better living like that.”
“Sierra, I don’t think you came all the way from the West End to interrogate me about how I’m living.”
“You are so right. Excuse me if I overstepped my boundaries,” I replied sarcastically.
“OK, why are you here? A few weeks ago, you threw me out of your mansion and told me you never wanted to see me again. Now you pop up, turning your nose up at the only place that I have to lay my head.”
“I see ain’t nothing changed. You are still being defensive, like I am supposed to accept you with open arms.”
“Chile, you a grown woman, so do what you please. If you’re here to tell me how horrible of a parent I am or how much you hate me, I really don’t want to hear it. I admit I fucked up, but bashing me is not going to change a damn thing.”
“That’s funny! I didn’t come here to bash you or to get your pity. I thought you were dead and to my astonishment, you were not, and you just walked into my life. I have a lot of questions, and I need answers.”
“I can give you all the answers that you seek, but what good is it going to do? You will only find more reasons to hate me.”
“You think you know me? You have it all figured out, right? You have no idea about me or my feelings.”
“It’s cold, and I do not own a jacket. I can’t stand out here going back and forth.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you explain to me why you chose a glass dick over me. Also, who is my father? And I have tons of other questions. You can get in my car, and we can go eat lunch at the little seafood spot in Mechanicsville.”
I got in the car and cut the heat on. Damn, it was cold. I never understood why Virginia gets so cold. I need to move to Arizona or one of those states that stay hot all year-round. I waited as Jeanette locked up the apartment, pranced toward my car, opened the door, and got in.
“This is a real nice ride.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“That fella Alijah really takes good care of you. I think you have a keeper on your hands.”
“Jeanette, you don’t know anything about my life, so please don’t speak on it. That’s me and my man’s business what he does for me.�
��
“Excuse me, I just thought—”
“Well, you thought wrong. Let’s just stay on the topic of child abandonment. That’s what I want to discuss.”
I drove to Ken’s Seafood and got us a table. It was strange sitting across from the woman that gave me life; the same woman that I hated all these years. As we waited to get served, I glanced at her face. I saw that she had aged a lot, but her skin was clear, and she looked cleaner than the last time that I saw her when she had abandoned me. Back then, she was dingy looking. Her hair was matted, and she had track marks all over her arms. I wasn’t sure what made her change, but I was ready to dig into the life of a certified crackhead.
The waiter brought our food, and I watched as she dug into the seafood platter I’d ordered for her.
“Excuse my manners. I should’ve waited on you.”
“No, go right ahead. Enjoy your meal.”
We ate, drank, and then started to talk. Well, I was asking the questions. I admit that I was harsh at times, but it didn’t bother me any. I was the only victim here, and I was not going to ease up. We went back and forth for a while. It even got so tense that we both started crying. I wept hard. I had years of emotions bottled up inside of me and needed to let it out. I needed a mother to teach me the little girl things. I needed her love.
She startled me when she moved to my side of the table and wrapped her arms around me.
“Baby, I am so sorry for leaving you. I can’t change the past, but please give me a chance to be in you and my grandbaby’s life.”
“I’m scared, Mama,” I mumbled.
“I know you are, baby, but we can try together.”
I swear that I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I was in a vulnerable state. I felt like that fifteen-year-old little girl that needed her mommy. My heart was hurting and was telling me the total opposite of what my mind was saying. My mind was telling me not to trust her, but my heart was crying out for a mother’s love.
People in the restaurant walked by and stared at us. I paid them no mind because they had no idea what I have gone through. I eventually got my crying under control and continued asking questions. She answered most of them, even though some of the answers were bullshit. I couldn’t really blame a crackhead for not remembering. I heard stories that drugs burn the brain cells out.
I paid the waitress, and we left without me touching much of my food.
“I really enjoyed lunch. You have no idea how much this means to me.”
“No worries. I needed answers, and I got most of them. Maybe I can finally sleep.”
I drove her back to Whitcomb, but when I pulled up, I got this feeling like I was not going to see her again. That’s when I decided to make the craziest decision ever.
“You know, you can stay with us until you get on your feet.”
“No, I couldn’t do that. Y’all need the space.”
“I got space. Just looking at this dump you’re living in makes my stomach turn. It’s your life, though, so it’s your decision.”
“OK, give me a few days so I can decide what I want to do. Plus, I would have to give the chile notice so she can find another babysitter. I can’t just leave her hanging like that.”
“All right, it’s your life. Put my number in your phone and call me if you decide to come.”
She exited the car, and I drove off. I needed to rest. I felt mentally and physically drained. This baby was just draining my energy. Only God knows how ready I was to drop this load, I thought as I rubbed my stomach.
* * *
Alijah wasn’t home, so I had some time by myself. I took a hot shower and got dressed in a pair of pajamas. I needed to lie down; I had heartburn, and it was killing me. I popped me some TUMS and crawled under my comforter. I had a lot on my mind. I wasn’t sure that I made the best decision earlier. I really did not know this woman. I wasn’t even sure if she wasn’t still doing drugs. I’ve been around crackheads enough to know that they will lie their ass off about not getting high. I whispered a prayer to God to take the wheel. If she ever decided to move in and I found out that she’s still getting high or still selling pussy for a hit, I was going for her head. I do not want that around my baby. Point-blank, period!
I was in a deep sleep when I felt someone shaking me. I jumped up without hesitation. My first instinct was to grab my gun that was underneath my pillow. I realized it was Alijah when I opened my eyes. I sat up in bed staring at him. I wanted to ask him what the hell he woke me up for, but I refrained from doing so because of his disheveled appearance. His hair was a hot mess, I guess because I haven’t been braiding it. His clothes were not ironed, and he looked like he’d aged about ten years.
“What’s going on? You all right?”
“I’m good. I need to holla at you.”
“I’m tired. This can’t wait until morning?”
“No, it can’t. We need to talk now!” he said in his mean-ass voice.
I rolled my eyes and thought, Here we go again. I sat there looking at him, like, nigga, speak already.
“Yo, B, I know I fucked up, but I’m human, and it was never my intention to hurt you.”
“Alijah, we’ve been down this road before many times, and I keep telling you, I don’t want to go through this shit anymore. You lied to me ’bout fucking that slut, and now you wanted for her murder. You fucked up your life over a nasty piece of pussy when you have good pussy at home.”
“Sierra, it ain’t even about that. I fucked up, yo, but that’s the past. I need to know that you still wit’ me; that you still have my back.”
“Why does it matter now? Is it because you need me now?”
“Slow your roll. I ’ont need a motherfucka except God. Him alone mi need. Is yuh mi need and want inna mi life.”
“Alijah, I been here. You just didn’t care. You were too busy fucking them other bitches, and see what it got you? One bitch set you up, and the other bitch served you with a murder charge.”
“I hear you, but fuck that. Right now, don’t none that matter. I’m leaving in two weeks, and I want to take you with me.”
“You’re leaving? So when did you come up with this decision?”
“I’ve been thinking about it lately. I need to bounce. I’m hot right now. I know it’s only a matter of time before they put my name to that sketch. The nigga that I popped is from a clique in New Orleans, so either way, I’m a wanted man.”
“Now you want to drag me and my baby into your world of madness? You chose this life, I didn’t. I was only looking for love and a way out of the projects.”
“Listen, you knew what kind of life you were getting into, so get the fuck outta here with all this holy shit you spittin’. You can sit here running your mouth, but at the end of the fucking day, is either you riding with me or you’re not. There’s no in between.”
Tears poured down my face. I recalled growing up; all I ever wanted was a way out of poverty. I admit I made some fucked-up choices too, but I didn’t want all this chaos in my life.
“I fucking love you, but I want more than just us playing house and you running the streets. I lay up in here sometimes lonely, and days pass before I see your face. I worry myself every time that you walk out the door, anytime the phone rings late at night. I get a sick feeling in my stomach. This ain’t no life for me or my baby.”
“I’m trying to give you that life. Believe me, I am, but I can’t remain in Richmond. If them pigs get ahold of me, I’ll be gone for life. My hands are dirty, and these muthafuckas ain’t going stop ’til they get me.”
I saw the seriousness of what he was saying, and I knew shit just got real.
“Alijah, I can’t leave right now. My life is in Richmond. I took your advice and had a talk with Jeanette. I even asked her to move in here until she gets on her feet.”
“A’ight, that’s cool and all, but right now, all I give a fuck about is you and my seed. What life you have out here? Just months ago, all you had was me; now, out of the blue,
you have a life?”
“See? You’ll never get it, and that’s fine. I just want to stay and have my baby; then we’ll come after that.”
“What the fuck you saying? I’m not going to see my seed being born?” he yelled.
“You need to calm down. You know I have a high-risk pregnancy, and you still expect me to travel with you to God knows where? I told your hardheaded ass that we’ll come after.”
“Cool. Your decision,” he said before he stormed out of the room.
I lay back down wondering when it would end. I was torn. I wanted to leave with him, but I wanted to have my baby first; plus, I had my own issues to deal with. I decided to stay, have my baby, then turn up the heat on these bitches and show them how wicked I could get!
Shayna Jackson
Forty-eight hours came and went by real quick. I was ready to get on the stand to testify against Alijah. I didn’t like how they played me. I felt like they fucked me in the ass without lubricant, and I was livid.
I thought we were all on the same team. They wanted him bad, and I wanted him gone for good. I figured his cocky ass thought that because the charges were dropped, he was the shit. Little did he know but his address was getting ready to change. Hmm . . . I really hope that when they get him, he will shoot at them so they can return fire and kill his black ass. That way, I won’t have to worry about divorcing his ass.
Daddy called and told me that Alijah was searching for me. We had nothing to discuss, and furthermore, I can’t trust that he’s not aware that I set him up. Fuck my husband! All our dealings were over for good!
* * *
It was Wednesday morning, and at 9:00 a.m. sharp, I walked into the federal building. My lawyer was going to meet me there. I was a lawyer myself and was familiar with the federal government, but I decided I needed to get a lawyer to cover my behind. I hired Benjamin Kraffe, a well-known defense attorney that was a former prosecutor. I did a little research on him. I had to know he’d protect me by any means necessary.
The feds were present along with that faggot Sanders. I still can’t come to grasps that I allowed him to fuck me and still got caught up in his plot. I was so tempted to show that bastard that I was not to be fucked with. I knew that would not be a good move on my part, however; killing a cop in the state of Virginia would definitely carry the electric chair.
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