by Sky Corgan
The friction between my legs drove me up the pinnacle of release, and the faster Darren thrust, the quicker I climbed along with him. It wasn't long before I reached the top. I wrapped my arms around Darren as my body dove over the edge. He fell with me, thrusting a few more times before he stilled breathlessly on top of me.
We laid there for several minutes afterward, panting, holding each other like we were the only two people left in the world. I loved him then, maybe as more than a friend. It sure felt like it. As I stared up at my ceiling, I didn't quite understand what was taking over me. But when I looked down at Darren, reality set in. My body's core was cooling from the heated sex, and I was back in my room, holding my best friend's naked body on top of me. I can pretend for just one night, can't I? Pretend that we're something more than friends. Pretend that this is how it was always meant to be, that I love him and he loves me and we're perfect together. Yes, I can pretend.
Darren rolled over beside me and pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his frantic heartbeat as it began to calm. I could feel remnants of our coupling between my legs, and I thanked God that I was on birth control. Sleeping with Darren was strange, but ending up pregnant with his child would be so much stranger. And then the fear came over me that I would end up like my mother. History would repeat himself. Darren was dutiful. He'd step into the role of father without hesitation, and we'd both piss away our lives to support the screaming brat we had haphazardly brought into the world. It was a depressing thought. Thank God I was on birth control.
“I've dreamed about this night since I first learned what sex was,” Darren said, breaking me away from my thoughts.
“I've thought about it too.” Though not that it would be with you. “Was this your first time?”
“Was it that obvious?”
“You were really nervous.” I smirked at him before kissing his chest.
“I was. I can't deny that. It will be better next time, I promise.”
Next time. There wouldn't be a next time. It hurt me to realize he didn't understand that. This hadn't been something I had done out of love. I did it out of appreciation . . . and selfishness. Still, it wasn't worth ruining the rest of the night by telling him that. I can pretend, for just one night.
“How did you know I would be at the party?” I asked, changing the subject.
“I didn't.”
“Then why were you there?”
He huffed, looking down at me. “Just because I didn't go to prom doesn't mean I wasn't invited to the after party.”
“Oh. Well, how did you know that I was there? I didn't see you when I was downstairs.”
“I asked around when I got there. Someone said you had gone upstairs with William, so I went looking for you.”
I laughed uncomfortably. “That was kind of nosy of you.”
“Being nosy paid off.”
“What if I would have been happy with what he was trying to do to me?”
“Then I would have embarrassed myself.”
“Indeed.”
“But I didn't embarrass myself. You were in trouble, and I was able to be there for you when you needed me the most. That makes me happy.”
I smiled, feeling a strange stirring in my chest which I quickly tried to stifle down. These feelings aren't real. It's only in the moment. It's only because he knows what to say. He always says the right things. It's one of his talents.
“I should probably go.” Darren sat up.
I quickly grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back down to me, placing my head on his chest to trap him. “No. You stay here tonight.”
“What if your parents wake up?”
“I'll set the alarm. You can leave before they get up, like we used to do when we were kids. Remember that? You would sneak into my room and then leave before they woke up.”
“How could I forget. This is a bit different though. They don't know I'm staying the night.”
“They love you like a son. They won't care.”
“Alright.” He surrendered.
We crawled under the covers, and I set the alarm and turned off the light, cuddling against him and letting the steady sound of his heartbeat carry me off to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, I thought I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and the door opening. Whether I dreamed it or not, I wasn't sure, but I was too comfortable to move. Darren and I fit together perfectly. We always had, as if our bodies had been poured into a mold that only connected with one another. It was something I had noticed with all my previous boyfriends. None of them ever felt as comfortable to lay on as Darren.
The alarm rang too early in the morning. I was dead tired and barely mumbled a few words to Darren as he crawled out of bed, put on his clothes, told me he loved me, kissed me, and headed out the door. It was several hours later that I finally arose, wondering if the night before had been a dream. The soreness between my legs and bloodstain on my sheets told me it hadn't been. There was also a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had just screwed up really bad, perhaps the worst screw up of my entire life.
I tried to ignore that feeling as I took a shower and got dressed before heading downstairs for breakfast. The scent of eggs, sausage, and waffles made my stomach rumble with hunger, and my mother served them to me with a suspicious grin.
“What?” I arched an eyebrow at her as I slid onto one of the chairs in front of the kitchen bar.
“How did prom go?” she asked, practically wiggling.
“It was interesting,” I said with a sigh before taking a huge bite of scrambled egg.
“What time did you get home last night?”
“A little after one in the morning.”
She fixed herself a plate and sat beside me, obviously wanting all the details. How could I tell her the details though when most of them were horrible? I would much rather avoid talking about it completely.
The grin stayed on my mom's face while she ate. I could feel the excitement radiating from her, the unanswered questions she was dying to ask.
“What are you so happy about?” I scowled.
“What are you so grumpy about?” She turned to me, her smile never faltering.
“You're acting weird.”
“It's because I'm waiting for you to spill the beans.”
“There are no beans to spill.”
“Oh really?”
“Really,” I grumbled.
“Well, how about that William didn't drop you off last night.”
“How would you know that?” I looked at her, trying not to betray the fact that my heart was sinking into the pit of my stomach, filling it up so that my appetite was a lot less than it had been before. She knew something—had seen something or heard something. The thought was absolutely mortifying.
“Darren stayed the night, didn't he?”
“No.” I turned back to my plate, refusing to look her in the eye.
“Tara, don't lie to me,” her voice was stern.
I sighed, “Fine. Darren brought me home. Are you happy?”
“Why did Darren bring you home? What happened to William?”
There was no point in hiding it anymore. I decided to spill my guts, telling her everything. When I finished the story, her smile was gone, replaced by a look of extreme concern.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yes. Thanks to Darren, I'm fine.”
“Thank goodness. I should go have a talk with that boy's parents.”
“No, Mom.” I turned to her in a panic.
“Then we should call the police. That kid shouldn't be able to get away with what he tried to do.”
“No. It's fine. Darren took care of it.”
“I'm worried about that too. Bad kids like that, they don't let things go sometimes. I really think you should let me call the police for you.”
“What would they do? Nothing happened.”
“He hit you, Tara! And he attacked Darren. Scum like that needs to be locked up.�
��
“It's after the fact. Ugh. This is why I didn't want to tell you.” I sunk down into the chair, my appetite now completely gone.
“Well don't get angry at me over it. I'm not the one who started this.”
“It's over now. There's no point in bothering with it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's putting me in a bad mood.”
“Fine,” she surrendered with a sigh, turning her attention to another subject. “What about you and Darren?”
“What about me and Darren?” That topic only made me more irritable.
“Well, are you going to start dating now?”
“No. Why would we?"
“I just figured that after last night, you might have changed your mind.” The mischievous grin made a reappearance.
I furrowed my brows at her. “He just rescued me. That's not exactly grounds for a relationship.”
“Well, when I saw you two curled up together last night, I kinda got the impression that something else was going on.”
“When you saw us curled up together?” My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and anger.
She turned to me with a completely innocent expression. “How else would I have known he was over?”
“So I did hear you coming up the stairs last night.” I frowned.
“That was me.” We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before she spoke again, “You know, I probably wouldn't have come up if you two hadn't been making so much noise.”
I don't think my face could have turned a deeper shade of pink. She heard us? I thought we were being fairly quiet.
“Thin walls,” she said, as if reading my mind.
“Oh God, just stop. Please. Stop.”
“How was he?”
“Mom! Ugh! I can't believe we're talking about this.”
“I'm just curious,” she laughed.
“I wouldn't know. He was my first. And I was his first. It was awkward.”
“Aww, that's so cute.”
“We're never speaking of this again.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Alright. Time to be serious. If you don't love him, then why did you sleep with him?”
I shrugged. “Well, I thought about what happened to Krista and about what almost happened to me. I've been saving myself for the right guy, but after the thing with William, it just felt kind of pointless. I thought it would be best if I at least did it with someone who cared about me, even if it wasn't the man of my dreams. Besides, Darren came to my rescue. It was the best way I could think of to reward him.” I shrugged again, realizing my logic was completely stupid.
“Oh, Tara. You don't reward a guy who's in love with you with sex if you don't have the same feelings for him.”
“It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”
“Well, it wasn't. I just hope he can understand and you guys can salvage your friendship.”
“Me too. It would suck to lose him as a friend over something like this.”
“You're just going to have to accept the consequences for your actions, whatever they may be.”
“I know.”
But even though I said it, I didn't want to face Darren at all. As the day progressed, the more I realized what a glaring mistake I had made. I didn't regret sleeping with him. It was a selfish thing to do, but I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders worrying about if my first time was going to be with a bad man. What I did regret was how Darren would feel after I told him the truth. I had never meant to hurt him or use him.
I spent the day ignoring his text messages and phone calls. Darren wasn't one to be avoided though, and when he showed up on my doorstep that afternoon, I knew I couldn't get away from talking to him about what had happened. Well, maybe I would have tried putting it off a bit longer, but my mom gave me a look that told me if I didn't get it over with, I'd be on her bad side for a while. I swear, sometimes it seemed like she cared about his feelings more than mine. Then again, he was like the son she never had. You'd think that would have made her feel less happy that we had slept together.
“You didn't answer any of my calls,” he said when we got up to my room. “Are you alright?”
“I'm fine.” There was no hiding the dread in my voice. I knew where the conversation would eventually lead, and I knew it wouldn't have a pleasant outcome. Feeling defeated, I sat on my bed, keeping my eyes to the floor, looking like a kicked puppy.
“You don't look fine.” He arched an eyebrow suspiciously before sitting beside me. Then he sighed, “What we did last night . . . is that why you've been avoiding me?”
“Listen, Darren. I know you love me, and I care about you a lot, I really do, but in a few short months, I'll be going off to college to Baylor, and you'll be going to Colorado. We can't be together. It would be pointless.”
“Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about that,” his voice brightened a little. “My parents are rich. I can go to college anytime I want. I was thinking that maybe I could come with you to Baylor, and we could get an apartment together. Then I could work while you went to college full time. Once you graduated, I could go to college.”
I cringed internally. Of course, he would find a way for us to be together. He wasn't selfish. He would do whatever it took to make my life easier and be by my side. I didn't want him by my side though. I wanted to start a new life, somewhere else, somewhere in a big city where I wasn't suffocated by my family and the small-town environment of Castroville. Somewhere with new people and new possibilities.
“I don't want that,” I said softly.
“Why not? I thought you wanted to be with me.”
My heart broke at his words, but not half as bad as his would when I spoke mine. This was the point where everything would go south. My insides twisted as I tried to find the right thing to say to him to lessen the blow.
“Last night, I wasn't really thinking straight. When you rescued me from William, I was afraid and grateful. I wanted to show you my appreciation, but I didn't know how. And I thought that maybe if we slept together, it would make me feel something for you more than friendship,” I told him.
Though I'm not sure if I was imagining it or not, I could swear I felt him tensing beside me. All the happiness had been sucked out the room. There was just silent realization and the pain that came with it. I waited for him to say something, but he just sat there, processing my words.
“I'm sorry, Darren,” I said finally, unable to handle the silence anymore.
“So, you don't love me at all then?” his voice was strained. “Everything you said last night was a lie.”
“I do love you,” I insisted. “Just not in a romantic way.”
“So,” he dragged the word out, at a loss for what to say next. Then he stood abruptly. When I glanced up at him, I could see a mix of pain and anger on his face. His hands were trembling at his sides, and it honestly frightened me. I had never seen Darren like this before, so emotionally rattled. “That's all there is to say then,” he continued. “I'll see you later.”
I didn't follow him as he walked out the door at a hurried pace. His footsteps drummed down the stairs, and by the time I heard the front door close behind him, I was in tears. What had I done?
My mom came to the sound of my sobbing, wrapping me in her arms and telling me everything would be alright. If Darren was any real friend, he'd forgive me. He'd see the mistake I had made and learn to live with it. Things would eventually go back to the way they were before.
But they didn't go back to the way things were before, and it wasn't his fault either. The regret of hurting him struck me so deep, and I knew that if we remained friends, all I'd ever have to offer him was pain. I had taken our beautiful relationship and murdered it, given him a part of me that would leave him forever wanting more. And I could never give him the part of me that he truly sought. It was cruel to let the charade play on any longer. I had to let him go.
From that moment until I left for college, Darren spent his time trying
to mend our relationship, and I spent my time trying to avoid him completely. He called and sent me text messages relentlessly, saying all the right things. No words of forgiveness could make me think he had gotten over what had happened between us. I screwed things up too bad for redemption.
It was hard being without him for a while, but Krista was there to fill the void. She was more understanding than my mom, which was a Godsend. For a while, my mom asked about Darren a lot, bringing him up during meals and trying to convince me to mend the friendship. We had even gotten into a fight over it a time or two. To be honest, I couldn't wait to leave for college, to leave her and everyone else behind and start a new life of my own.
Chapter 4
I used college as a chance to detach from all I knew. By the time I left Castroville, I was so sick of everything that I didn't want anything to do with it. It was like a bad stain on my memory.
Darren still tried to call me and send me texts occasionally, but I never answered or responded. The day I left for Austin, I also stopped talking to Krista. It was a shitty thing to do, but it was all part of getting a new start.
I wasn't the shy little violet I used to be when I started kindergarten. I had grown into a beautiful young woman, and I was ready to take on the world. With my new-found confidence, making friends had become easy, and I soon had more than I needed, especially of the male variety.
My first few months of college were spent with my nose in the books. I was determined to get a good education and make the best use of my scholarship, determined not to repeat my mother's mistakes. Getting a good education was at the forefront of my mind, and there was nothing that would get in my way of achieving that goal.
When I came home for Christmas holiday, I tried to avoid being out in public. I didn't want to bump into anyone I used to know. Growing up in a small town, everyone knew everyone, and word got around fast.