“There is no need for you to do so,” Sarah insisted.
Jeremiah stretched his hand out toward her. “I wish it were that easy. No matter where I go or what I do, Sarah, you push your way to the front of my heart.”
“I find I can make myself do just about anything I wish,” Sarah argued. “Just tell yourself I do not exist.”
“Is that what you do? Tell yourself I am not a real person, with hurts and feelings?”
“Sometimes. It is safer that way.”
Later that night Sarah realized that she had not told Jeremiah the truth. No matter how she pretended, Jeremiah was very real to her. He felt pain, and, like Sarah herself, he needed someone to help him become whole. He professed to be God-fearing. God would not keep him warm on a winter night when howling winds forced their way through the chinking of cabin walls.
Sarah swallowed her discomfort. There she went, thinking that perhaps someday—years from now—there might be a man like Jeremiah who would love her.
“Gemma, please,” Jeremiah said. “We’ve gone over this too many times already. Your uncle and I did not agree. I took the only action that would allow me to continue living in line with God’s Word.”
Gemma dabbed at her eyes with a fancy handkerchief and sniffed. “Well, thank you very much, Mr. Stewart. I had such hopes for our lives as a couple. I suppose it is best that I find this out now … before you break my heart.”
Despite Gemma’s stoic words, Jeremiah knew he’d already done that very thing. If only Sarah felt this way about him. But it was better that Sarah not feel anything for him other than friendship. Now that he had resigned his commission, it was only a matter of time before he headed back east to visit his pa and figure out what to do with the rest of his life.
“Tell me you are not serious,” Bessie said as she watched Sarah beginning to pack her few belongings.
“You knew my moving here was not for the long term, Bessie. There is nothing here for me, no way to support Sammy. You and Captain have Lizzie. You should be a family and not have to worry about us.”
“But where will you go, Sarah? Tell me that.”
“I have a plan.” Sarah neatly folded one of Sammy’s shirts before placing it in her only trunk.
“Does that plan include coming back here someday?” Bessie’s eyes overflowed with tears.
“I cannot answer that right now,” Sarah replied. “It is time I move on and find whatever it is I am supposed to do with my life.”
“Promise me you will speak with Jeremiah before you leave. I think he needs to know what you are doing.”
“Jeremiah has Gemma, Bessie. I walked to the river yesterday to think things through. Gemma intercepted me there. She indicated that she and Jeremiah are … an item.”
Bessie rolled her eyes. “But Jeremiah does not love Gemma. He loves you, Sarah. He has all along.”
“Come on, Bessie, admit it. Your attempt at matchmaking this time has failed.”
Bessie crossed the room and put her arms around Sarah. “If you are too stubborn to see what is in front of you, then I will not argue. I will miss you. You do not know how much help you have been. Thanks to you, I can read. Someday I will teach little Lizzie to do the same.”
Sarah’s eyes misted. “I am glad I gave you something that you will remember me by.”
“But what will I give you? Wait! I know; I can read to you from the Bible to show you how well I can do.”
“That would be nice.” Sarah hoped she hid the commotion boiling inside her. There was no hope for her as far as Jeremiah was concerned. She did not think she was far enough in her journey back to God that she could bear to stay and see Jeremiah with Gemma.
“Let me pick something special,” Bessie said, pulling Sarah’s mind back to the present. “Meet me in the eating room.”
Moments later, Bessie haltingly read from Psalm 103: “‘Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies.’
“Are you listening, Sarah?”
“Yes.” How could she not listen? The words pulled at Sarah and urged her to do the right thing, to return to her heavenly Father and accept His grace.
“I picked this verse because it says all I need to know about our Lord, Sarah. Only He serves as our ultimate protector, our source of comfort. God can heal your heart, Sarah, if you let Him. Is that not a wonderful thought?”
“Yes, it is. The words are just as you say. They combine hope, faith, and trust in a Supreme Being who accepts me just as I am, despite what I’ve done.”
‘God can heal your heart, if you let Him.’ Bessie’s words echoed in Sarah’s mind that night as she tossed on her mat. God could heal her heart, but only if Sarah allowed Him to. Why did she not take the last step toward believing?
Low-hanging clouds and a slight breeze made it feel colder than it was as Sarah headed toward the trading post. Jeremiah came from the other direction, and with the woods on either side, she had no choice but to speak to him.
They exchanged small pleasantries, and Sarah acted as if she were going to continue her walk.
“Sarah? There is something that I have to tell you.” Jeremiah stuck his hands in his pockets.
Sarah’s calm voice belied the depression in her heart. “You do not have to. Gemma cornered me the other day at the riverbank. I am happy that you have found someone to help you get over Jenny.”
Jeremiah gave her a puzzled look. “Gemma is not … never mind. How do you know about Jenny?”
“Bessie told me you loved her. That is all.” Pain gouged Sarah’s heart. Gemma, fortunate woman that she was, had lightened Jeremiah’s burden.
“You told me that you wanted me to help you hunt for the Truth,” Jeremiah said. “We did not get a chance the other night, upon my return, to begin that journey. That is why I was coming to find you.”
“I do not think you need to worry about helping me with that anymore. You have other … other things to tend to.”
“But I promised I would. At least grant me the privilege of saying what I think.”
Sarah nodded her permission.
“One thing I learned in dealing with Jenny’s death is that a person cannot keep their grief locked up in their heart forever, Sarah. They never get beyond it if they do.”
“You are simply luckier than most, Jeremiah. You happened to find someone who means something to you.” Tears threatened without warning. Sarah brushed them away. “I can keep my anguish to myself. No one but God will ever understand my feelings.”
Chapter 18
Jeremiah watched Sarah turn and run back toward the Halls’. Unless she put her trust in God, he knew she would always search for something she would never find.
Jeremiah’s rap on the door was too forceful, but he meant business, and it was not militia business this time. It took some doing, but Bessie helped him persuade Sarah to sit with him by the fireplace and continue their conversation.
“You have to share your burden, Sarah. That way it halves the grief.”
Sarah looked as if she didn’t follow his meaning. “You really want to know the truth?”
Jeremiah nodded. “We all make bad choices. It is part of God’s way of teaching us to be better, to make us stronger.”
Sarah stood. “Bad choices are indeed my problem, Jeremiah. If I had not insisted that Levi …”
Sarah’s sobs sliced through Jeremiah like the flint head of an enemy’s arrow.
“You keep looking for something to wipe away whatever it is you did, Sarah. Only God’s grace can do that.”
“His grace seems so far away, Jeremiah. I do not think I will ever feel happy and free again. Why is that?” The most ancient kind of hurt filled Sarah’s eyes.
“I do not know, Sarah. I know I have been there, too. It is not easy alon
e. Just as you need God to help mend your heart, I need you.” Jeremiah rose and wiped a tear from Sarah’s cheek.
Sarah caught her breath. “What if I do not want you to need me?”
Jeremiah’s voice held a note of disbelief. “I think you do want me to care, but you are so sure you might lose whatever you and Levi shared that you will not allow it.”
“Levi was Sammy’s father,” Sarah pointed out.
“And you loved him.”
“I still do.”
“Do you? Or do you love the memory you have of him?”
Sarah’s eyes clouded with uneasiness. “I do not want to forget him.”
Huskiness broke Jeremiah’s voice. “I do not want anyone to ask me to forget Jenny Townsend either. Look at Captain and Bessie. Both lost their mates, but they built a new life together. They know what it is like to lose, to have their dreams crumble into ashes.”
“How did they survive? How did they put the past behind them and move on?”
“Sarah, are you asking how they freed their hearts to love again?”
“Yes.”
“They gave God their hardships. They let Him restore their souls.”
“How did … do you do it?” Sarah ventured.
Jeremiah studied her face. “At first I did much the same as you. I turned away from God. I grew bitter and spiteful.”
“You are not … not that way now.”
“I would be if I allowed my path to stray from that which is right. Now I keep God first, let Him lead me in the direction He chooses.”
Sarah began to pace. “Does it help?”
“He is the only reason I can go on each day, Sarah.”
Sarah stared into the fireplace.
Jeremiah spoke sincerely. “I am not good with fancy words, Sarah. Now that I am out of the militia, I do not even have a home. Thankfully, Rufe’s father agreed to let me stay with them. I am just Jeremiah Francis Stewart, but I want you to be happy. I want you to care about me as much as I care about you.”
“How can you say that, Jeremiah? Gemma said that you and she were going to wed.”
“Gemma does not want to accept what I have told her all along. Now may I finish what I was saying?”
“Of course you may.”
“I care about you, Sarah Lyons, but there are things I need to share with you about my past.”
Jeremiah was uneasy about what he was about to say. Did he already regret announcing that he cared for her?
“I loved Jenny Townsend. She was everything I had wanted in a wife. She thought the world of me and would have made a wonderful mother for my children.”
“So that explains why you keep coming here. You want children and I have one?”
“Let me finish. Jenny and I would have married if she had not taken a trip to visit her brother.”
“What happened?” Sarah steeled her heart for his confession.
“Indians. One of our patrols found Jenny and her brother and buried them on the spot.”
“I am sorry,” she managed in a small voice.
“I am, too.” Jeremiah sank into a chair and faced her. He shoved one shirtsleeve from his elbow to his wrist and back again, over and over. “But it is in the past, Sarah.”
Sarah felt her poise dissolve. Jeremiah’s loss almost matched hers. So many others also had lost loved ones. But they did not let devastation tear them apart. They learned to deal with their loss then moved on. Was it possible she … he … they could do so together?
“I believe God put me here for more than one reason.” Jeremiah told her he had originally come to Washington County so that when they wed, Jenny could stay close to her ailing mother. “The only skill I knew was blacksmithing. I set up my tools and went to work. I never dreamed I would end up involved with the militia.”
Jeremiah hung his head. Sarah’s stomach clenched. What could she say to ease his pain?
“When I lost Jenny,” he continued, “the whole world could have disappeared and I would not have noticed. I returned to my parents’ home to live. That is when Bessie came home because she had lost her husband. She helped me see that things do not happen only because we make bad decisions. Things also happen because God has other plans for us. He prunes us so we will grow stronger, smarter, able to love more deeply the next time because we have lost so much.”
Jeremiah wanted Sarah to stay with him for the rest of his life. How could he convince her? For just a moment he closed his eyes in silent prayer. Lord, You never fail to deliver me from difficult situations, even though I sometimes think Your response is too long in coming. Look at me, Lord—I’m standing here trying to get this woman to reconcile her past so she can share my future. Sarah doesn’t love me. What do I do now, Lord?
“I am truly sorry that you lost the woman you loved.” Sarah pressed a hand against her brow as if her head hurt.
“It took awhile for me to get over Jenny. For a long while I did not want to.”
“What changed your mind?”
“You. The first time I saw you, I knew God had a purpose for bringing you into my life. I just never dreamed what it would turn out to be.”
“That points out the major difference in our lives. You believed in God all along. I am just coming back to Him. What if I take the wrong path someday? There is no way we could be happy, Jeremiah. I do not want to be a stone around your neck.”
“Stones have their use,” he commented. “They anchor, they hold, they lock in place. We could not have built some of the homes in this county without them, but I would never call you a stone, Sarah. You are too lovely to be something like that.”
“What would you call me, then?”
“I do not know. I can think of nothing right now that lifts you to the heights you deserve, Sarah. You do not think you are worth much to anyone except your son. That is not true. You taught Bessie her letters and helped her learn to read. You gave Rufe the chance to learn also. Who knows how many people your efforts will touch in the future because you cared enough to get involved today?”
Jeremiah wished that he had not started this discussion. No, that wasn’t true. He loved Sarah. If he were to have any chance at her loving him, he must get her to the point where she could let go of Levi.
Jeremiah searched her face. “I cannot take away your pain, Sarah. Only God can do that. But you have to turn to Him. He does not help if you do not ask.”
“It cannot be that simple. What if He will not listen to me or take me back?”
“God always listens, Sarah. Even through all those times when you were not looking at Him, He watched you. He has never given up hope that you would return to Him.”
A frown marred her features. “You make it sound so easy, Jeremiah. It is not.”
“I know. It is like crossing a river with your heart outside your body. You do not think you will ever get it back in place. I was at that point once. It takes courage and persistence to change. You have to really want it, not just for yourself but for those around you, especially Samuel.”
“Leave him out of this. He is an innocent child who lost his father. What if something were to happen to me? Then where would he go?”
“There are quite a few around here who would gladly raise him, myself included. He is a fine boy, one you should want only the best for.”
“I do. That is why I came here, to try to make life better for him.”
“There is only one sure way you can do that, Sarah, and you know what it is. But do not do it if you do not mean it.”
Sarah closed her eyes briefly, interrupting the tears that trickled out. “But what do I say?”
“Just start talking. If you really mean them, the words will come.” Jeremiah covered her hand with his and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Lord?” The word sounded stilted on her lips.
How could one word have so much power? It was a question Jeremiah didn’t think he would ever be able to answer.
Sarah started with a sob. “My burden—take it so th
at I may be free.”
Jeremiah watched as Sarah struggled with her disclosure. Her eyes were ringed in red. She looked as if she had spent the past week crying.
What am I supposed to do, Lord? I know You put me here to help this woman, but what do I possess that will give her the peace she needs?
Jeremiah thought of the night sky he used to fall asleep gazing at on trips as a courier for the militia. The light of thousands of stars glowed softly, the twinkles spelling out a message he couldn’t decipher. Suddenly he knew why God had provided that heavenly display.
“Sarah. I found something to compare you to.”
“What?” She raised tear-stained eyes to meet his gaze.
“You are like a star. Despite the darkness that surrounds you, you shine, even as you continue your search for the perfection you know is out there. God put the stars in our heaven, Sarah. He is perfection. And peace. He is the only place you will find it.”
“You said you would help me?” She stretched her hand toward him.
Jeremiah held back his smile, covered her trembling fingers with his own, and gazed into her eyes. “Go on. Let it out.”
Once Sarah started, the echoes from her past spewed forth as if the earth rent a mountain and every bleak thing within escaped. Jeremiah hardened his heart against the surge of tenderness that engulfed him.
“I did something terrible,” Sarah said, her throat closing around the words. “Levi and I ran away to marry. I never dreamed of what lay ahead, that he would … die before me. I am the only one left now, the only one to raise Sammy. Sammy deserves so much more, but I messed up his life. He deserves a father, and he might have had one had I stayed at Schoenbrunn.”
Sarah’s heavy sobs battered Jeremiah’s soul, reminding him of his own process of grieving for Jenny. How many times had he held back his sorrow in the hope it would go away, only to find it growing by leaps and bounds with each passing day?
“Take it slow, Sarah. God will wait for you.”
“God might,” she whispered, “but what about you, Jeremiah Stewart?”
The Memory of Love Page 29