by Vella Munn
She’d started. Even with the wolf’s distracting presence or maybe because of it, she had to finish.
Her father’s fist had stuck her shoulder so hard it knocked her into the wall behind her. Even though she was stunned, she pushed off and plowed into him. They hit the floor together. He used his greater strength to pin her down, then repeatedly slapped her while she screamed and struggled and clawed.
Blood had gushed from her nose. That was when her mother started trying to haul him off her. Her father switched from disciplining—that was what he repeatedly yelled—his daughter to doing the same to his wife.
“He used his fists on her. Over and over again. He had her against a wall. I tried to pull him off her, but I was in too much pain.”
“Pain?” Shaw asked as he rubbed her shoulders.
“I had three broken ribs. I didn’t know it at the time.”
“Da—go on.”
The wolf continued to look up. “Somehow Mom got away from him and ran into the kitchen. She was trying to pull a knife out of the drawer when he knocked her to the floor. He grabbed his pistol from the top of the refrigerator and—he always said he had it for protection but he sometimes…”
“Used it to intimidate his family.”
“Yes.”
“I know what those situations are like.”
Once again, Shaw’s tone pulled her out of herself and onto him. He was shivering. She’d lived through one nightmare situation while he must have witnessed many more.
Grateful because he wasn’t asking for details, she took his hand and led the way back to the bed. She hated breaking contact with the wolf, but Shaw’s comfort was more important.
Hers too since she was getting colder by the moment.
“Your father shot your mother at close range and in your presence,” Shaw said matter-of-factly when they were under the blankets and he’d drawn her to his side. “Did neighbors hear?”
She shook her head. “We didn’t have any close neighbors, which in part was why Dad—Dad? Most of the time I don’t call him that, or anything. I haven’t seen him since he was sentenced. Mick, ah, Mick went to the prison a couple of times. He told me that our old man insisted he didn’t mean to kill our mother. He asked whether I was all right. Mick told him it was too late for him to consider that.”
“I’m glad you had your brother. Haley, it’s going to be hard, but I believe you need to finish telling me about that day.”
Knowing he was right, she told him about stumbling out of the house and making her way to the closest neighbor’s place. She’d been hysterical, but the retired couple had known what to do. Mick arrived shortly after the police did. According to Mick, he’d pushed past the police and gone into the kitchen. Seen. Then he’d followed the ambulance she was in to the hospital. He remained nearby while the police questioned her. After she was released, he took her home with him. No one had to tell her that her mother was dead.
“You told the police your old man attacked you when you stood up to him?”
How, she wanted to know, had they gotten to this place in the story so soon? Shaw had zeroed in on the one thing even her brother didn’t know. She could evade as she’d done all those times and all those years, she was good at it. She suspected Mick knew there was more to the story, but her bother hadn’t probed.
Tonight, she vowed, needed to be different. It already was.
“I didn’t tell anyone about provoking him. I couldn’t. I told them how he attacked Mom and me. I had cuts, bruises, broken ribs, and a bloody nose. Mom…”
“Was dead and there was no doubt who’d shot her.”
“Shaw?” She struggled to continue, but the words wouldn’t come so she rolled away. When she was on her back, she stared at the ceiling and imagined that the predator was listening.
Shaw ran his knuckles over the side of her neck. “What?”
“I was partly responsible.” Her throat burned. “Mom would be alive if I hadn’t stood up to him. I did more than that. I told him I hated him and wished he was dead, that I’d take my baseball bat to him if I had a chance. Because of me, he snapped.”
“No, darn it, you aren’t responsible for anyone’s actions. Your old man has to own his.”
She barely heard Shaw for what she still needed to say. “Mick left home because if he didn’t, he was afraid he’d kill our old man. He told me he was so full of anger he didn’t trust himself. Mick—I should have done like he did. If I’d walked away that day instead of losing my temper and getting in his face—”
“Guilt. You’re blaming yourself.”
“Yes.”
“You have to get beyond that. Faulting your behavior doesn’t change anything. All it does is keep you locked in the past.”
Locked in the past. In many regards that was what she’d done ever since she was fourteen. “I don’t want to be like that. I hate it, but I don’t know how to change.”
Shaw groaned. “I know what that feels like.”
Chapter Nineteen
Looking back, Shaw felt as if the night had lasted forever. He should be relieved to see the sun rise but that meant their time together was coming to an end.
No, not just the two of them, he amended as he exited the bathroom and spotted Haley sitting on the bed holding her socks. They’d had company.
They’d also made love again not long after Haley told him what she had. Hopefully she hadn’t noticed that he’d deliberately distracted her from such a serious conversation first by trailing his hands over her naked body and then doing the same with his mouth.
She’d been whimpering his name when they’d found release at nearly the same time. Shortly after, she’d fallen asleep and he’d lain next to her listening to her breathe. When she started jerking and moaning, he’d wrapped his arms around her and held her until she settled again.
Hopefully sheltering her like he had would play a role in allowing her to forgive herself but an embrace only went so far. She needed to talk out her emotions. That would take time and someone she trusted with her deepest secrets, someone who could be honest in return. He’d finally dozed off only to wake with a message in his head.
Tell her. She deserves the kind of truth she gave you.
“Those are socks.” He pointed. “They go on your feet.”
“Oh. Seems complicated.”
Relieved to hear a lighthearted comment, he walked over to the window and looked down. Daylight was slowly making its presence known as if it wasn’t sure it was worth the effort. If he was in charge of such things, he’d tell the sun to take the day off. Once he’d done that, he’d encourage the moon and stars to return. Once he had things set up the way he wanted, the way he needed, he’d carry Haley back to bed where her body would keep the voice in his head at bay.
“Any sign of the wolf?” she asked. “I looked while you were in the shower but didn’t see anything.”
“No, sorry. Maybe he isn’t an ordinary wolf.” When she didn’t laugh, he swallowed and continued. “I’m thinking he has some, I don’t know, woo-woo in him. He’s more than…”
“Woo-woo. That makes as much sense as anything. His behavior isn’t like what I thought a wolf’s would be. Shaw?”
“What?”
“Thank you for the way you reacted last night. My confession—you don’t blame me, do you?”
“You know the answer to that.”
“I wasn’t just a victim. I played a role—”
Let it go. “You fought.”
“I instigated.”
“You did what anyone would.” Because of what he was dealing with, he’d lost sight of how off-balance she still obviously felt.
Keeping his expression neutral, he returned to the bed and sat next to her. Much as he wanted to take her hand or more, doing so would distract him from what he needed to say. “I hoped my behavior—our making love again—left no doubt of how I feel. You stood up to a bully.”
“My mother might be alive if I hadn’t—”
&
nbsp; “Might.” He stressed the word. “Maybe she would have gotten through that day but what about the next time? Their relationship was a powder keg. It was bound to blow up.”
“We don’t know that.”
He’d seen victims of violence act like this. Much of their reaction came from a place of shock, a frantic attempt to control the uncontrollable. Victims had a hard time believing there’d been no sense and no reason for something horrible happening.
“Haley, you survived one of the worst things that can happen to a person. Look at where you are now. You manage an important part of what makes the resort successful. You’re giving Daron the support and direction he needs. No one can change the past. We live in the present and do what we can to prepare for the future.”
“The future.” She stared at her hands. “I’m so tired of replaying the past. I want to go forward.”
“You can. Honey, telling me what you did is a vital part of the journey. Give yourself credit.”
“I want to.”
“No, not want. Can and will. Healing starts with that.”
“Start? Yes.” She nodded. “How did you get so wise?”
“Blind luck?”
“Hardly. You know what I need to hear.”
“Not need, deserve.”
She dropped her socks on the bed and placed her hand on his thigh. The touch nearly undid him. “Thank you for everything you did.”
“I listened.”
“To things I’ve never told anyone.” She brightened. “Now, hopefully I’ll stop playing that tired old tape.”
“You will.”
“I love that you have faith in me.”
“There’s no doubt of that. I admire you.”
“Admire,” she muttered. “I love hearing that. Do we really have to go back to work?”
She already knew the answer, unfortunately. “Haley…”
What? She asked with her eyes, her lovely, trusting eyes.
“You need to know why I’m no longer a cop.”
“Oh.” Her mouth opened and her eyes widened. “All right.”
Was she afraid to hear the truth? No, Haley Walters wasn’t a coward.
Moments passed, during which he fought to find his way beyond his self-imposed barriers. They’d long served to protect and insulate him, but the time had come to start to put that behind him—as she’d done.
“You aren’t the only one who wishes she could erase the past. Who would give everything for something not to have happened.”
Biting her lips, she looked toward the window until he wondered if the wolf was communicating with her.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
With her simple words, he fell in love with this courageous woman. The truth was in her eyes. Whatever he said, it wouldn’t change how she felt about him. As for himself—No! He wouldn’t let anything stop him this morning.
“I killed someone.”
Haley stood and faced him with her hair tangled and her feet bare. Her expression was neutral. Almost. “As part of your job?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
He hadn’t expected that question. Maybe it was her way of easing into the discussion, her attempt to make things as easy as possible for him.
“Six months before I resigned from the force and a year before Uncle Robert insisted he needed me at Lake Serene.”
“Were you in danger? You had to shoot—is that what it was—to keep from getting shot yourself?”
Darn it! She shouldn’t have to draw every word out of him. After all, she’d given him a blueprint to follow.
“I wanted to be a cop from high school on. It was the only career I had any interest in.” Nervous energy driving him, he got to his feet and, after stroking her arm, walked to the window.
After looking at everything and nothing while thinking of the silent, nonjudgmental wolf, he faced Haley. “I had some unrealistic ideas of what the job would entail. I dug the uniform and being able to drive a vehicle that made people sit up and take notice. I thought my size and gun and the authority that went with the position would be enough. People would do what I told them to. The innocent would be safe while the guilty would pay.”
“But life isn’t that simple.”
“No,” he muttered. “Daron is already learning that. It took me longer.”
“I understand.”
Of course she did. “I loved being part of a brotherhood and when things got tough I took refuge behind cop humor. Making a joke is easier than thinking too deeply about such things as children trapped in situations they have no control over.”
She fingered her sweater. “Like my brother and I were.”
“Yes. I have a pretty good idea what the cops who came to your place that day thought. They wanted to apologize for not being able to protect you, but they couldn’t. They had a job to do.”
“It was pretty clear what had happened.”
“The big picture but not the details. Their job was to determine that a crime had been committed and your dad hadn’t acted in self-defense. The crime scene needed to be secured. You needed an ambulance.”
When she clasped her hands so tight her knuckles turned white, he knew he couldn’t draw things out any longer.
“The day it happened”—he started to lean against the glass then used the frame to support him—“was hot.”
“It?”
“I’d just chased some kids out of a motel swimming pool and was wishing I could dive into it myself when I was sent to a domestic violence situation. Those calls have the potential to be particularly dangerous because emotions are so raw. You understand.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I’d been to that house before, a shack really. Two adult brothers and their mother lived there.” The words kept coming. “The brothers drank and when they did they fought with each other. The mother was a piece of work who’d had five children, none of them upstanding citizens. She’d periodically insist the police kick her sons out. Then she’d remember she needed what money they gave her to keep the lights on. She always took them back.”
He was vaguely aware that he’d closed his eyes. Haley deserved his full attention, but he didn’t know how he could keep going while looking at her.
One of the brothers had stormed out as he was approaching with his service revolver drawn since he knew there were weapons in the house. That brother wasn’t armed, but his sibling was, which Shaw discovered the moment he spotted the figure in the doorway. The second brother vacillated between waving the rifle at his sibling and at Shaw. It didn’t take Shaw long to figure out they’d been drinking. He repeatedly commanded the armed brother to put down his weapon. At one point the unarmed sibling tried to grab the rifle which earned him a knee in the groin.
There was a lot of swearing and yelling from the mother who remained in the house. The armed brother kept saying he was sick and tired of being pushed around and treated like trash by cops. He was a man, a man.
“That’s when he aimed at me and cocked the rifle. His brother stared at him and their mother stopped yelling. The silence—it was so quiet. I had all the time in the world and no time at all. He fired. I fired. Four times on my part.”
“Oh, my—were you hit?”
“No.” He didn’t know how to handle her disembodied voice so opened his eyes. Her hand was over her mouth. “He was a lousy shot. He was also dead.”
“Self-defense.”
“That’s what the grand jury concluded.”
“But you were in limbo until the grand jury made its decision?”
“Something like that.”
“No, not something,” she said. “I’ve followed a lot of cases involving law enforcement so I know something about how things are done. I have some idea how hard that was for you.”
“I had support from my fellow officers and my family.”
“Thank goodness.”
She joined him at the window but made no move to touch him. “I wonder where our wolf is.
The way he hung around—Shaw, do you think his presence had anything to do with what we’re talking about?”
“I don’t know.”
“It probably sounds crazy, but I’m trying to make sense of what’s happening. Looking for a reason. Even my brother doesn’t know how guilty I felt all those years. How I snapped. I thought I could tell the shrink but when it got down to it I couldn’t. And now you know everything. I’m sorry. This is about you, and maybe the wolf.”
“Maybe.”
He couldn’t let things remain the way they were, half said. Instead, despite her distracting presence, he mentally reached out to the predator. In his mind, the wolf was waiting for him to continue. Demanding honesty.
“There’s no way anyone, even a cop or someone in the military, can prepare for ending someone’s life,” he told her. “It isn’t the way it looks on TV.”
“I know.”
Of course she did. In many respects she’d stood where he had, experienced the same emotions, smelled the same smells, seen the same things only for her it had been personal.
“Haley, there were more than those three idiots around.” The words became a rope tightening around his neck but he fought on. “There were also two little children.”
She pressed her hands to her stomach. “No. Oh no.”
“I didn’t hit—I don’t think I could have survived if I had, but…” There was no sign of the wolf, but it didn’t matter.
He owed Haley and the predator the rest of what had happened on the worst day of his life. Besides, now that he’d started, it was getting easier.
“The woman was babysitting. They were her grandchildren, a boy and a girl.” As many times as he’d mentally replayed the scene, it still made him sick to his stomach. “The girl was in diapers, the boy about a year older. Two of my bullets missed my target.” He again closed his eyes then opened them. “They entered the house and struck the wall behind the couch where the little ones were sitting. A foot or two lower and…”
She rubbed his arm, his less than steady arm. “The grandmother didn’t say anything about the children being there?”
“No. She told detectives she’d warned me, but I wouldn’t have fired if I’d known.”