Pieces of Me

by Tich Brewster

  When the legs of a barstool scrap the kitchen floor, Makayla’s shoulders relax. Sighing, she pulls her feet under her and angels her body so that we are sitting side-by-side. This is the first time she has sat this close to me. Every other time we have watched television, she has sat at the other end of the sofa. But now? Now, she is resting her head on my shoulder, her hand slipping behind my elbow and her fingers curling around my arm.

  Her body feels good pressed against mine. I yearn to wrap my arm around her and hold her close but I don’t want to ruin what little trust she is gaining in me.

  Quiet footsteps pad across the hardwood and Thaddeus emerges in the living room, barefoot and holding a plate of leftover fish.

  Makayla pats the cushion next to her, inviting her brother to sit beside her.

  No sooner does he sit down, Makayla’s fingers tighten around my arm and her body goes rigid.

  “Kay?” I ask. “What’s wrong?”

  When she releases me and sits up, I notice her greenish complexion. That is not a good sign. I sit forward and rub circles on her back in hopes of soothing her but it doesn’t appear to be having the effect I had hoped for.

  Pressing a hand to her stomach and one to her mouth, she shoots off the sofa and flees as fast as her feet will carry her.

  With a mouth full of fish, Thaddeus gives me a questioning look. “What was that about?”

  I shrug my shoulders and take off after Makayla. Her retching can be heard long before I turn the corner toward the bathroom. The door is ajar so I ease it open and find Makayla kneeling on the tile, heaving into the porcelain bowl.

  Rene enters behind me with a worried look on her face. She steps around me to get a cloth and runs it under cold water.

  I gather Makayla’s hair and hold it above her head with one hand and massage her neck with the other. She heaves a couple more times and then leans back, resting her weight against my legs.

  “I wish you hadn’t seen that.” Covering her face with both hands, she lowers her head and groans. “I’m beyond embarrassed.”

  My aunt squats down next to her and gently pries Makayla’s hands away from her face. “No need to be embarrassed, sweetheart.” Taking the cool rag, Aunt Rene pats Makayla’s red, blotchy face.

  After a few moments, Makayla relaxes further into me and her breathing starts to slow down. When my aunt removes the rag, I can see that her natural peachy color is beginning to return to her face. August is not flu season, so I wonder what is causing her to be so sick. This seems like something more than just a lack of sleep, I fear she is coming down with some kind of virus.

  When she gathers enough strength, I help her to stand.

  Thaddeus is standing in the hallway, peering into the bathroom door with a look of concern. “Sis, you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” But the moment she takes a step toward her brother, she quickly covers her nose and mouth. Glancing down at the plate in his hand, she shoves him away from the doorway.

  Confused, Thaddeus raises a brow. “What was that for?”

  Backing up, Makayla says, “That fish smell…I just…can’t.”

  Thaddeus looks as confused as I feel. The fish he is eating isn’t bad, it smells rather delicious. In fact, it’s making me hungry and I just ate four slices of pepperoni pizza. Maybe her stomach is just weak due to her exhaustion.

  Aunt Rene looks from one twin to the other. “Makayla, are you sure you’re okay?”

  She nods but continues to hold her nose. “Yeah, I just haven’t been sleeping well.”

  Aunt Rene examines Makayla’s eyes and feels the sides of her neck. I’m not sure what she’s feeling for but this is something she does to me when I’m sick. “And how long have you been sick?”

  Makayla scrunches her nose in thought. “Just for a couple days. Mom’s doctor thinks the stress has exhausted me.”

  Aunt Rene glances at me with a raised brow but continues to question Makayla. “Well, you’re not feverish. How often are you getting sick to your stomach?” My aunt gazes at Thaddeus and his plate of fish, then returns her attention back to Makayla. “Are there triggers, certain scents that upset your stomach?”

  Makayla looks around at all of us, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. “I guess. That fish makes me gag, as does the sterile hospital smell.” She pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “Oh, and coffee. I couldn’t stomach the coffee at the hospital today.”

  My aunt glances at me, then at Thaddeus, before meeting Makayla’s gaze. “Honey, when was your last period?”

  Eyes wide, Makayla looks at me, red tinting her cheeks. “Rene, seriously? Eryc is standing right here.”

  “Wait, are you suggesting?” Thaddeus leans against the wall with a thud and mouth agape. “Do you mean that this could be—” He looks at his sister with a horrified expression. “Sis?”

  Thaddeus seems to have put some puzzle pieces together but I’m still confused as heck. I have no idea what her period has to do with her sensitive stomach to her brother’s plate of fish, or her exhaustion in general.

  “I really wish somebody would tell me what’s going on.” I glance at Makayla, my aunt, and then at Thaddeus. “I hate being left in the dark. If there’s something I can do to help then I—” As if a light bulb turns on, it suddenly dawns on me what my aunt is asking.

  Aunt Rene is an OBGYN, she takes care of pregnant woman every day. Looking at Makayla’s horrified eyes, I would guess there is a possibility that she could be pregnant. I slowly back out of the room. This is not a topic that should be discussed in my presence. I’m not even sure why my aunt brought it up with Thaddeus and me in the room.

  Makayla watches me back away with wide frightened eyes. She is embarrassed and maybe even ashamed, if her expression is anything to go by.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Makayla

  Oh. My. Word.

  I cannot believe Rene just asked me that question in front of Eryc of all people. Asking me in front of Thaddeus was bad enough, but with Eryc in the room? I’m mortified. No, I am beyond mortified. Please, God, let lightning strike me down so I don’t have to face either of them. After tonight I will never be able to look Eryc in the face again.

  To my relief, Eryc walks out before Rene can discuss my sex life. Like that is anyone’s business. Thank goodness, he took it upon himself to vanish, otherwise I would most likely go postal. Sheesh, I cannot believe how this evening is turning out.

  Thaddeus continues to stare at me with a mix of concern and anger. I know he wants me to confide my deepest, darkest secrets but there is no way in hell that is happening. My business is mine and mine alone.

  Rene tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Makayla, is there a chance you could be pregnant?”

  I shake my head.

  No way. Absolutely not.

  She bites her lip as she studies my face. “So, there is absolutely no chance at all that you could be pregnant?”

  Thaddeus clears his throat and turns an icy glare toward me. Just when I think my life couldn’t get any worse, the universe decides to spit in my face.

  Holding up my thumb and index finger to indicate that there is a very small chance, I say, “It’s slightly possible.”

  Rene looks at me with sympathy. “I’m going to run down the street to pick up a pregnancy test, I’ll be right back.” She exits the room and a few seconds later I hear the front door open and close.

  I lower myself down and sit with my back against the bathtub. Wrapping my arms around my legs, I rest my head on my knees. Fear snakes around my neck, choking me and I feel nauseous all over again.

  As if my life wasn’t screwed up enough, now I have to deal with this little mishap. What the heck am I supposed to do now? A baby? No. There is no way I can be pregnant. I have no boyfriend, no job, and I’m living in a sea of ever-increasing darkness.

  I. Do. Not. Want. A. Baby.

  If by some small chance I am pregnant, I could never be a good mother to it. For crying out loud, I’m only
eighteen years old. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Senior year is supposed to be filled with fun, laughter, a little mischief, and dating the hottest guy in school. Yet, here I sit drowning in my misery and the universe is sitting back cackling at my sorrow.

  His shadow has not moved an inch since Rene left for the store. I don’t have the courage to look up into my brother’s eyes. Disappointment. Disgust. Which of those will shine in the blue pools of his eyes? Probably a good mix of disappointment and disgust.

  I would rather not see the evidence of my failure written on my twin’s face.

  Burying my face between my knees, I wrap my arms around my legs and let the tears fall. The sound of bare feet padding across the tile is the only indicator that my brother is entering the bathroom. He is close, I can feel him hovering over me. Silence fills the room as neither of us is willing to talk about the subject at hand. His knees pop when he squats down next to me and his leg rests against mine.

  Seconds turn to minutes. Eryc has not made an appearance in the doorway to check on me and I wonder if he is still here. It’s highly possible that he is disgusted with me and went home.

  Being a preacher’s kid, he probably thinks I am just a heathen on my way to hell and wants nothing to do with me.

  Story of my life.

  “You need to talk to them.”

  At those words, I finally turn and glare at my brother. “No.”

  His nostrils flare. “You need help and I’m in no position to offer you any. This is tearing me up as much as it is you. You need their help and their support.”

  Just as I open my mouth to tell him to get lost, Rene saunters into the room with a brown bag in hand. “Thaddeus.” She steps aside and gestures for him to exit the bathroom.

  He stands and obeys. Before the door closes, he peers back at me. “Please, Makayla.”

  His plea is for me to confide in Rene but I’m not ready to divulge that information to anyone. Doing so would mean confessing my failure. The last thing I want to do is drive a wedge between Eryc and me, and confiding my secrets to him would do just that.

  Locking the door, Rene removes the box from the bag and hands it to me.

  Oh, God, is this really happening?

  Pulling the white stick out of the box, I carefully follow the instructions. Rene sits on the edge of the tub and holds my hand while I wait for the results to appear. “Whatever that test reveals, you are not in this alone. You have Eryc, Thaddeus, me, and your mother. You will never have to do this on your own.”

  Dread builds up in my core. She has no clue what I have done, she wouldn’t be offering me her support if she knew.

  What did I ever do to deserve such bad luck? I don’t walk under ladders and I haven’t cracked any mirrors. Ever. Fear seeps into my pores and soaks into my veins, coating my soul with blackness. My heart constricts and I choke on a sob.

  I cannot do this. With or without support from Rene and my mom, I cannot do this. Please let me rewind time and go back to correct my mistakes.

  “It should be ready.” Rene squeezes my hand, encouraging me to peek at the stick lying on the counter.

  Letting out a long breath, I pick up the white stick. Two pink lines stare back at me. Positive.

  I’m pregnant.

  The quiet sobs I have been trying to rein in rush out with the force of thunder. Agonizing pain rips through me and the stick slips between my fingers, clanging against the tile. Anguish unlike any I have ever experienced before severs my heart in two, causing it to skip a beat.

  “No,” I whisper.

  Rene reaches around me to pick up the discarded stick. After a quick glance, she places it in the trash. “You can do this, sweetheart. I will be with you every step of the way.”

  “No.”

  Rene’s eyes go wide. It’s plain to see that she is clearly shocked by my outburst. Giving my hand a gentle tug, she says, “Honey, it will be okay.”

  Jerking my hand free, I glare at her. “No, it won’t.” When she opens her mouth, I raise my voice. “You have no idea what I’m going through and I don’t need, nor want, you to help guide me through this pregnancy.”

  She sucks in a breath. I have hurt her feelings and the look on her face pierces my heart. Pain racks my body like a knife twisting in my gut. The only woman who has ever put me above all else is the one I’m lashing out at.

  One more thing to add to my ever-growing list of failures.

  Blinking back her tears, Rene stands. She stares at a spot on the wall behind me. “I’ll let you process this. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be in the living room.”

  When the door closes, I let the tears fall. As if my life didn’t suck enough, now this. What did I ever do to deserve this hell that is my life? Is there any hope for me? Does God even exist? If he does, he sure has a way of allowing disaster to crush his so-called perfect creation.

  A sob rattles my chest, rising until it escapes my lips in a loud strangled cry. Slapping my hand over my mouth, I try to stifle the horrid sound but it’s not enough.

  My heartbroken cry emerges from my nostrils and I fall to my knees, resting my forehead on the cold tile floor.

  My life is going to hell in a handbasket and there is nothing I can do about it.

  I’m not sure how long I have been in here crying. Minutes? Hours? It’s possible I have been in here for hours though I don’t think it has been quite that long. All I know is that my throat is dry and scratchy from all the sobbing I have done. Swallowing is awkward, it feels like I have cotton stuck in my throat.

  As I lift my head, I notice the tiny puddles of tears that rest on the tile before me. A clear indicator to my current state of misery. I should feel ashamed for my breakdown but at the moment I feel nothing, I’m just numb.

  Shadows move back and forth from the crease under the door, reminding me of the fact that Eryc is here, or at least he was. I have no idea if he stayed or left.

  I can’t imagine why he would have stayed but if he did, then he was a witness to my major meltdown. Well, if he didn’t think I was crazy before, I’m sure he does now.

  Pushing up from the floor, I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and grimace at my reflection. My hair is frizzing out around my face, my eyes are bloodshot, and red splotches cover my cheeks and neck. In short, I look like the walking dead. Well, minus the rotten teeth and decomposing skin.

  Knock, knock.

  Startled, I gasp. Taking a step forward, I place my hand on the doorknob but refrain from turning it. I don’t want to open the door for fear that Eryc might be on the other side. The last thing I want is for him to see me in my current state of distress. One look at me and he will surely be running for the hills.

  Knock, knock.

  “Just open the door, Makayla.”

  At the sound of my brother’s voice, I rest my forehead on the wooden door. “Just leave me alone, Thad.”

  “No can do. Open up.” His fingers drum on the door, vibrating the wood under my palm.

  My brother is stubborn, I may as well open the door and face the music. Chances are, Rene has told Eryc by now anyway. Either he is still here or my friend was so disgusted with me that he left. I’m not sure which I’m hoping for at this point.

  Breathing in through my nose, I release it through my mouth and turn the knob, pulling the door open. Lifting my gaze, I find Eryc leaning against the wall opposite me. Concern softens his features. There is absolutely no condemnation in his eyes.

  Standing right in front of me, chewing on his thumbnail and worry lines creasing his forehead, my brother asks, “Okay, sis, spill it.”

  Staring down at his bare feet, I whisper, “It was positive.”

  “It’s time to let him in on this little secret.” Thaddeus jerks his thumb behind him, indicating that he meant Eryc.

  I tilt my head. “I’m pretty sure he knows by now.”

  Thaddeus’s lips harden into a tight line. “No. It’s time for you to confide in him about that darn j
ournal and what transpired over the summer.”

  “No.”

  My brother’s hand slams on the sheetrock next to the door. “You need to tell him,” he yells.

  The tone of his voice brings a new set of tears to my eyes. My brother never yells at me. “No, I don’t and you need to butt out and leave this alone. It is none of your business.”

  Pointing his finger in my face, he opens his mouth to speak but before he can get a word out, I cut him off.

  “You do not get to order me around, Thad. You have no idea what I’m going through.” I ball up my fist and punch him in the chest, something I have never done before. His eyes widen but he makes no move to chew me out for it. “Just leave me alone, Thaddeus Wyatt Yasmeen.”

  He lifts a brow, probably because I just used his full name. “Look, sis, I may not totally understand how you feel, but don’t you dare for one minute think I don’t see the damage it has done to you. This is bigger than you and you need their support.” When I shake my head, and refuse to spill my secrets, Thaddeus slams his hand on the wall, again. This time not only do I jump but so does Eryc. “Dangit, sis, if you don’t tell him, I will.”

  A threat? My brother is threatening to share my secret with the world. Okay, maybe not with the world but with Rene and Eryc. Still, it is not his secret to share and I don’t appreciate him taking this into his own hands.

  Anger rises in me and I slam my own hand on the sheetrock. “No.”

  Nostrils flaring, Thaddeus points his finger in my face. “You are in no position to make demands. You need help and by God I will see to it that you get it.”

  “I don’t need help. What I need is for you to get out of my face.”

  Reaching into his pocket, Thaddeus pulls out his old prescription for Oxycodone that I had hidden in my medicine cabinet upstairs, along with my box of razors.

  Embarrassment washes over me and I close my eyes, taking a step back. I can’t believe he went snooping through my bathroom. “Why were you snooping around in my bathroom, Thad?”