You asbestos companies lucked out. Big Tobacco took a lot of smoke away from your product. As I see it, they killed their consumers and you killed your employees. But at least Big Tobacco provided some enjoyment for their stooges. You just put people in non-habit-forming hospital beds. But you both knew the harmful effects of your products and still peddled your deadly wares. You might as well have handed out fiberglass-flavored cotton candy to kids. I hope the cost of your soul was worth it, ’cause you’ll be ridin’ shotgun straight down with your tobacco-shilling friends.
№074
Dr. Robert Atkins
For a stupid diet.
THE FACTS
The Atkins Diet plan is a low-carb, high-protein strategy for shedding unwanted pounds, made popular in the early 2000s. About thirty million Americans have tried the diet. If you haven’t heard of it, maybe you’re that kid in the news who can only eat six foods without dying?
Here’s the skinny: When you cut out carbohydrates, your body is forced to burn its fat stores. You burn more calories when your body burns fat as opposed to carbs. In turn, you lose weight faster.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, that’s because it is. Short-term effects may include bad breath, weakness, insomnia, nausea, and constipation. Potential long-term effects include heart disease, liver failure, kidney problems, osteoporosis, premature aging, and cataracts. Keep in mind, the inventor, Dr. Atkins, died at seventy-two. He had a history of heart attacks and congestive heart failure. Not to mention he weighed two hundred and fifty-eight pounds at the time of his death. In case you were wondering, toast won! Thank God this no-carb bullshit is over.
[you] RIFE!
Dr. Atkins, we all really wanted to believe your diet worked. But deep down we all knew there had to be something wrong with a diet that labeled nutritious foods like fruit and whole grains the devil. After all, a slice of bacon can’t be healthier than an apple. Right? You ruined it for sure. Now we have to get back to the old way of thinking: “You are what you eat.” Oink oink.
Chew on this, America: Enough food is produced in the U.S. to supply thirty-eight hundred calories every day for every man, woman, and child. The average adult only needs two thousand to twenty-five hundred calories per day.
Do you want to lose weight? Then stop eating so much! Eat small, healthy meals, exercise regularly, and avoid piggin’ out. And then guess what? You WILL lose weight. If you don’t, then just get your stomach stapled.
№075
Phil Gramm
For legalizing deregulation.
THE FACTS
Remember that dick, Dick Fuld, from RIFE No029, and the douche bags from №067? Without the guy you’re about to read about, none of them would have been able to screw up our lives. Phil Gramm served as chairman of the Senate Banking Committee in the late nineties. He was a proponent of financial deregulation. He wrote and pushed through Congress the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, which effectively repealed much of the Glass-Steagall Act. The Glass-Steagall Act was enacted as a result of the Great Depression. It separated commercial banks from Wall Street to prevent lending, use of credit, and investing by the same entity. Sort of a checks and balances for Wall Street. That all went to shit when Gramm added a provision to the Commodity Futures Modernization Act of 2000 that kept credit-default swaps exempt from government regulation. These acts of deregulation have crippled America and are major factors in the 2008-2009 banking and economic crisis.
[you] RIFE!
Your deregulation ruined it for everyone. You supplied a springboard for the greediest professions to commit fraud and make stupid mistakes. You took down the world’s economy. You owe America AT LEAST a couple trillion. So break out your checkbook, you ass hat. And, it better be FDIC-insured.
№076
MLA Handbook
For changing the spacing after a sentence.
THE FACTS
MLA stands for Modern Language Association. If you are unfamiliar with it, perhaps you are illiterate. Anyway, the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers is an academic documentation style guide widely used in the United States and Canada. The updated version of the handbook redefines the proper spacing required at the end of a sentence. The rules have changed since the day of the typewriter; we are no longer required to have two spaces after a sentence.
What can I say, old habits die hard. I still struggle with single spacing daily. My hand just wants to hit that long bar twice after a sentence ends. Some people think the extra space is worse than having a front tooth missing from a person’s smile. Apparently, the gap after a period is already accounted for with the “kerning” (which is just a fancy way of saying “spacing”). The extra distance used to make sense when every character took up an equal amount of space. Now all current word processing software automatically adjusts for the extra bit after a period.
[you] RIFE!
To be honest, it was easier for me to quit smoking than to consistently add just one thumb tap after a period.
Mostly, it’s die-hard writers and publishers who want to follow the most current rules that create the dilemma. The MLA Handbook states that either one or two spaces are acceptable. I say, let’s keep it the old way out of respect! And, quite frankly, if you noticed how many spaces I have been using thus far, you are probably not paying attention to what I am writing anyway!
I think the whole thing is a big waste of time. We should never have changed the rule in the first place. Two spaces after a sentence makes the text more readable anyway. So from here on out, I will be double-spacing just because it looks cooler. Boo-ya, MLA! I am going medieval typewriter on your ass. (Just kidding—my editor won’t let me do that.)
№077
Blue star LSD warnings
For being a stupid urban legend.
THE FACTS
A blue star warning is a rumor spread around a community regarding lick-on acid-laced tattoos. The story is that a local drug dealer is on the prowl, handing out LSD to young children. The urban legend got its name because acid was supposedly being distributed invisibly on a small lick-on tattoo in the shape of a blue star. The threat is that a juvenile will lick the tattoo before applying it. This would then result in a psychedelic acid trip, or, worse, death. These worrisome rumors are usually started in the fall during back-to-school time. Then, of course, they die down to make way for poisoned Halloween candy rumors (see RIFE №010).
[you] RIFE!
If we had to blame somebody for this folklore, it would be J. O’Donnell of Danbury Hospital’s Outpatient Chemical Dependency Clinic. This is the name usually associated with the warnings. However, since this is a fake person, we have to blame credulous parents.
As soon as gullible people hear the mention of harm to children, they would prefer self-immolation to allowing a threat like this to harm innocent, unwitting youths. Rest assured, it’s horseshit. There have never been any verified cases of LSD-laced tattoos. There is, though, such a thing as cartoons printed on LSD-soaked blotter paper, which is ingested. However, nobody is giving them out to children for free. Think about it. Selling drugs is a business. It is an illegal business, but a business nonetheless. Why the hell would a drug dealer want to kill his customers before making any money off of them? The tobacco companies would be bankrupt if they followed this business model. A profitable business strategy in drug dealing would be to get customers hooked, and then keep them alive as long as possible to maximize profits. Unfortunately, a drug dealer’s clientele do not need to be tricked or have freebies doled out to them; peer pressure and curiosity are more than enough.
Talk to your children and make them aware of drugs. And as a rule of thumb, take the age you were when you experimented with drugs and divide that by two, and that is the age when your child will do it.
№078
The Food and Drug Administration
For making healthy food unhealthy.
THE FACTS
The Food and Drug Administration (FDA or USFDA) is an agency of th
e United States Department of Health and Human Services. It’s responsible for regulating and supervising the safety of foods and a bunch of other things that humans shove in their mouths and plaster on their bodies. For the most part, the FDA is here to protect us from the “bad guys.” But once you give something a little power, it’ll always hunger for more.
If you took a “raw” almond pre-2007, planted it the ground, watered it, and gave it sunlight and love, you would eventually see a sprout rise. If you did that now, you would get more rise out of Nicole Kidman’s eyebrows. This is because ALL almonds grown in the U.S., by law, are NO longer sold raw. They must be pasteurized before they can be sold. In case you didn’t already know, this process kills the life force and the valuable nutrients your body needs.
[you] RIFE!
Okay, I know we’ve already covered the orange juice pasteurization conspiracy—so maybe we should just blame Louis Pasteur already for inventing it in the 1860s. But he lived in a time when you couldn’t exactly seal in freshness with Ziploc bags and Tupperware before you stuck food in your electric fridge. So give Louis a break. It’s the FDA’s fault for promoting it.
“But it says ‘raw’ on the packaging!” Well, it’s not. It’s a lie. The FDA allows the almond companies to still use “raw” in their deceptive labeling—sort of a consolation prize, I guess. Don’t care? Well, you should, because the nutrition’s being taken out of your food and you don’t even know about it. Wake up, man! “But they did it for our health, right?” Not really. More to cover the food companies’ own asses after the salmonella-tainted-almond scares of 2001 and 2004. Just thirty-three people were hospitalized. If you think that’s bad, check out the tomato’s track record.
The raw deal is that, whether or not it’s pasteurized, food produced and stored in unsanitary conditions is what actually causes disease. Pasteurization just promotes unclean factories. Other foods that have mandatory pasteurization in the United States: milk, butter, cheese, cream, vinegar, sauerkraut, yogurt, and eggs. When you’re filling the shopping cart, look at which labels say “pasteurized” instead of only worrying about the ones that say “organic,” because that food trend is stealing thunder from other important issues. Remember, if you buy “organic,” it only means it was once covered in shit.
№079
Ron Popeil
For coaxing people to buy hair in a can.
THE FACTS
Ronald M. Popeil is an American inventor and pitchman for many products sold solely on television. He is the founder of Ronco. If you have ever watched off-hour TV, he was the king of infomercials. He coined the phrases “But wait… There’s more!”, “Now how much would you pay?”, and “Set it and forget it!” Some of his inventions include the Chop-o-Matic, the Dial-O-Matic, the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, the Showtime Rotisserie, and, of course, his reason for making the RIFE list, the GLH Hair System.
Embarrassed by that bald spot? Don’t worry, Ron Popeil’s hair in a can will fix you in a jiffy. Just match your hair color, give the can a shake, spray, and PRESTO, you will have the look of more hair instantly! You can, once again, have the confidence you deserve for only $9.95! But wait, there’s more. Call within then next fifteen minutes and we will double your order and also include a depleted sense of self-worth and the loss of most of your dignity.
[you] RIFE!
Ron didn’t ruin it by being a pioneer in selling gimmicky products on TV—hell, he provided us with countless hours of late-night entertainment. Ron ruined it by tempting normal, rational (but apparently desperate) people to believe in sketchy products they see on TV. Even though common sense tells them it won’t work, they still think there’s a chance it might. History has proven time and again that it’s just too easy to believe in something you really want to be true. Thanks, Ron; not only did you destroy self-esteem, you also made people look stupid with dark beads of sweat running down their bald spots.
Other products and techniques for hair loss:
• Hair plugs. Okay, these sort of work, but in the end, you look like a freaky life-size doll.
• The comb-over. Come on, you’re not fooling anyone.
• Toupees. Only good if you feel like hatching some robin’s eggs.
• Pills and topical agents. They barely work and you need to take them for the rest of your life!
• Hair transplants. This is the only thing that works. They take hair from the back of your head and relocate it to the bald spot. It’s expensive and you might have to do it twice.
№080
James Mack Jr.
For adding MORE worry to nursing homes.
THE FACTS
In 2001, James Mack was employed at an old folks’ home in Tulsa, Oklahoma. One night, he showed up at work when he was not scheduled to and snuck into a patient’s room. Then, instead of walking out the door, he decided to exit through a window—while dragging an eighty-five-year-old female Alzheimer’s patient with him. Then Mack proceeded to rape her somewhere outside the building. She was later found lying on the street by an off-duty police officer at 5 AM.
The sleaze, of course, denied the accusation. While medical evidence showed she was indeed raped, he claims she initiated their encounter by grabbing his “little jimmy.” Experts agreed that, given her medical condition, the elderly lady was of unsound mind and was not capable of giving consent. And with the help of DNA testing, he was tried and convicted of first-degree granny-rape and sentenced to thirty-five years in prison.
[you] RIFE!
It is a somber decision to relocate an elderly family member to a nursing home. People who do are often riddled with guilt and fear about improper treatment and care for their ailing loved ones. But until Mack, no one feared a hoary medicated molestation. Now, not only do we have to worry about negligent treatment, but we also have to fear that the staff may forcibly ravage our helpless relatives. As if our consciences weren’t already giving us an ulcer.
James Mack is the true definition of scumbag. We now have a limitless understanding of just how far a rapist will go. How do people like this sleep at night? Hopefully, in Mack’s case, teary-eyed from posterior pain after a hard visit to the prison shower. It’s nice when life comes full circle… don’t you think?
Oh Jimmy Mack, we hope you never come back.
№081
Barbra Streisand
For crimped hair.
THE FACTS
If you are like me and already despise Barbra Streisand, or if you were just waiting for a reason not to like her, then this one’s for you…
The modern crimping iron was specifically invented for Streisand’s hair in 1972 by one of the founders of Sebastian. It was undoubtedly one of the biggest hair mistakes ever conceived. The fear of having to see any additional images of this hairstyle resulted in me not finding the designer’s intent or inspiration. We can only assume it was to detract from certain facial features. What we do know is that this hideous hairdo, in its time, became hugely popular; the rest is bad-hair history. This fact alone should make you cringe at the sound of Barbra’s voice.
What else is wrong with Babs? She always seems to stick that self-righteous beak where it doesn’t belong. She is annoying and egotistical, not to mention that she sues anyone for anything. She even sued a California coastline website for having an unmarked aerial photo of her house. Of course she lost and had to pay the defendant’s legal fees, hooray! Humorously, these events triggered a new term called “the Streisand effect.” It encompasses an attempt to censor information that only results in greater exposure. (This book could always use some added press… Go on, Streisand, I dare you!)
[you] RIFE!
Barbra’s smug attitude crimps our style. She ruins it whenever she opens her mouth. Go away. In honor of Barb’s bad hair, here are a few other bad ideas for the head:
• The mullet. Its ambassador was Billy Ray Cyrus. And just when we thought nothing worse could happen to pop culture, Cyrus spawned Miley.
• The r
attail. A less conspicuous variation on the mullet. No, it doesn’t look better braided.
• The flattop. If you have one of these, keep it and hope someone thinks you’re being ironic.
• Teased bangs. Bangs are debatable. But eighties-style seven-inch Aqua Net-teased bangs, need I say more?
№082
Edward Seymour
For inventing aerosol spray paint.
THE FACTS
In the 1940s, the concept of aerosol was already in use by a bug spray from the U.S. Army. Edward Seymour built upon this idea and invented spray paint after a suggestion from his wife. The innovation was ingenious and became immediately popular. His very first color, “aluminum,” revolutionized the paint industry.
Unfortunately, like most things, the invention had a serious downside: The propellant, made from chlorofluorocarbons, was adversely affecting the earth’s ozone layer. If you are not aware, this protective atmospheric layer is critical to life on this planet because it protects us from the sun’s harmful radiation and ultraviolet rays (see RIFE №011).
[you] Ruined It for Everyone! Page 9