Saying the paparazzi have gone too far would be like saying Chris Brown only gave Rihanna a light love tap. And by this point, we’re bored with it. All of it. I know it’s hard to feel sorry for some celebs with all that money and fame and such. And you’d probably want to spit on them if you knew their real personalities anyway. But—you don’t. The only personality you know is what’s hyped in the tabloids. That’d be cool if the gossip were true. Because sleeping in an oxygen chamber sounds like fun to me (if for no other reason than to escape the paparazzi). And sure, if it was good enough for Walt, I also want to be cryogenically frozen when I die! And if Mikey died doing it, then I won’t eat Pop Rocks and drink soda either!
But what’s worse is that the paparazzi not only fabricate ridiculous rumors, but they also drive these poor celebrities off the edge. No wonder Britney shaved her head… I would’ve too! Which brings us to the reason for this entry: The paparazzi, in their endless quest for the next headliner, helped killed Princess Diana. Remember? Her car swerved head-on into a pillar inside a tunnel going 65 mph while being chased by the photographers. In 2008, a jury determined that the driver, Henri Paul, and the paparazzi were to blame. Guilty of gross negligent (princess) slaughter.
[you] RIFE!
You destroy lives and you killed a princess. That’s wrong on so many levels. Just so you know, it’s impossible for a car chase to exist if there’s no one pursuing (just ask O.J.). Where are your scruples? Stop being a glorified peeping Tom and ease off. Get a life and try not to destroy one. Quit your day job. If you still want people to hate you, join Greenpeace. And if you still want to work for a non-reputable news source, send your résumé to Fox News.
№094
Los Angeles
For promoting valet parking.
THE FACTS
Valet parking is described in the dictionary as a service offered by a hotel, restaurant, etc., through which patrons’ cars are parked by an attendant. Perhaps you’ve never seen this service? You either don’t have a car or never dine out. Either way, if you have not experienced one, you might be labeled a cheap bastard.
[you] RIFE!
Los Angeles started promoting this senseless status symbol in the 1940s. I guess the Hollywood elite felt comfortable driving their own cars, but self-parking was just SO 1930s. Whatever the reason, the tradition somehow stuck, and now we have to pay a minimum of $4.50 at many ordinary restaurants and hotels to be, usually, inconvenienced. Seriously, it doesn’t make me feel any more upper class to have my car parked for me at the Cheesecake Factory.
Don’t get me wrong—there are a few good reasons to valet park. Perhaps there is no other parking available, or it may take longer than fifteen minutes to walk from a self-found parking space, or maybe the weather is bad. In these cases, it’s worth it, and I am all for it! However, many establishments around the country feel they must have mandatory valet parking even though there are huge, nearly empty dedicated parking lots adjacent to the restaurants. This is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
What if they skipped the parking part and just cleaned your car, or added some windshield washer fluid, or replaced the breaks, or gave you an alignment? I wouldn’t feel ripped-off if they did that. But no, instead, they just lollygag to your car and bring it back to you in the same or worse condition in which you gave it to them.
Here are the new RIFE laws: Twenty seconds or less or it’s free. If you can physically see your car from the valet stand, then it’s free. If it takes longer to wait for some guy to get the car than it would to walk to it, it’s free. If they don’t run to your car, it’s free. If they stink up the car, it’s probably from the BO caused from running, but it will still be free. I don’t like your cheesecake anyway.
№095
MTV
For making “reality TV” a reality.
THE FACTS
MTV (in case you’ve been on a constant Xanax drip since birth) stands for Music Television. MTV had a good thing going with music videos, music news, band interviews, and, in general, shows about—you guessed it—music! So what makes a music TV station put non-music-related reality shows on the air? Brain damage. Every boob tube junkie’s grasp on “reality” was forever changed with the airing of a show called The Real World.
What gets pumped through the idiot box has radically changed since the birth of television. The years have morphed ten channels of simple black-and-white telecasting into plasma simulcasting in HD via satellite. TV used to be my buddy. As a kid I could cuddle up to Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, and The Smurfs. As I grew up, so did my shows: The Simpsons, Friends, and Seinfeld. But somewhere along the line, reality TV ratings began to soar. We traded in our Family Ties for “real” lives. We swapped our Cheers for realistic tears. Shows like The Bachelor, American Idol, Survivor, and Fear Factor began to dominate prime time. Scripted TV went down faster than Jack Bauer could chug a beer.
[you] RIFE!
I hold MTV responsible. Yeah, there were other reality television shows before, but none that left its audience violently drooling like a crack addict waiting for a visual fix, and none that rotted as many brain cells.
Let’s face it, reality TV is just a way for producers to save a buck by cutting out the middleman in television production—you know, the actors and writers. However, the reality becomes blurred when you realize that these shows are usually scripted, doctored, over-edited, over-shot, and reshot. Unfortunately, this “reality” is about as honest as Tony Soprano’s waste management company.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it were quality programming, but who really wants to see eight three-foot-tall circus midgets competing for the Octomom’s hand in marriage?… Wait a minute, that might be good… I hope I TiVo’d that!
№096
Charles Darwin
For proving God wrong.
THE FACTS
Charles Darwin was born in 1809. He was a British naturalist who became famous for his theory of evolution and natural selection. He believed that all life on earth evolved over millions of years from a few common ancestors. He was not the first to have these beliefs, but he was undoubtedly the most famous to bring them to light. His theory of evolutionary selection reveals that variations within species occur randomly and the survival or extinction of each organism is determined by that organism’s ability to survive, adapt, and reproduce in its environment.
On a side note, Darwin’s father almost saved him from ruining it for everyone. His dad nearly prohibited the devout doubter from going on his science expedition in 1831. He was scared it would lead him away from a future in the clergy. Oops! I hope he went to confession after that one.
[you] RIFE!
Holy shit, Chuck! You made us doubt our divine maker. Your theories are in direct conflict with the church and the Bible. And now, ever since this crazy hypothesis, “science” and “religion” can’t play nicely together.
Don’t worry, religion. Evolution is just a theory. It will most likely be forgotten in a few hundred years anyway. It’s not proven, like the Bible is. And it’s not based on something as concrete as faith! Besides, what more does science have to offer than watching miniature volcanoes explode at the science fair?
Don’t worry, science. Religion may still go out of style. I mean, the two largest religions are less than two thousand years old (Islam originated in 610 AD and Christianity in 30 AD). If you are worried, you should start a support group where you can study and read passages from textbooks together. You can meet once a week in your spare time, maybe on Sunday mornings? And even if you’re wrong, I am sure you’ve got equipment that can measure just how hot hell might be.
№$297
Wal-Mart shoppers
For buying a gallon of pickles for $2.97.
THE FACTS
The only two Dow Jones stocks to rise in 2008 were Wal-Mart, with an 18 percent gain, and McDonald’s, at 6 percent. Wal-Mart sells more than Target, Sears, Kmart, JC Penney, Safeway, and Kroger combined
What’s wrong with Wal-Mart? Nothing, legally. For the most part, it’s legit. We have to blame capitalism and the consumer for its repugnant reign.
[you] RIFE!
Wal-Mart does everything it can to get its shoppers that low, low price. The Vlasic Pickle Company quickly discovered the power of the giant superstore. Wal-Mart wanted to make a statement for its low prices by selling a gallon jar of pickles for $2.97. Vlasic went along with the idea and the enormous jar sold like crazy. Every store was selling about eighty jars a week. That’s nearly a million gallons of pickles a month. Wal-Mart sure put Vlasic in a pickle with the experiment. It did dramatically increase the pickle company’s sales, but drastically reduced its profits, lowered the company’s image, and adversely affected farmers. Wal-Mart also ruined it for Master Lock and Levi’s in similar ways.
Yes, Wal-Mart is the devil. It’s widely known that it has poor employment strategies, forces local businesses into bankruptcy, squeezes suppliers, promotes overseas manufacturing, destroys nature, and sucks government assistance dry. But who cares? Obviously not consumers. They already know that Wal-Mart is sketchy, yet they shop there anyway. And the government is not going to step in since the company plays by the rules. If you don’t like it, don’t shop there. What would you do with a gallon jar of pickles anyway?
№098
Pamela and Gela of Juicy Couture
For making the velour tracksuit popular.
THE FACTS
Pamela Skaist-Levy and Gela Nash-Taylor founded Juicy Couture, a clothing company, in 1994. They started their tracksuit line in 1999. The outfit was an older idea that Juicy decided to make sassy by slapping its logo on the ass and selling it at a really high price point. Pamela and Gela had a smart marketing ploy: They let top celebrities like Madonna shop their line for free. Then the celebs were photographed wearing Juicy Couture’s clothing. After that, the brand and outfit became a smash hit.
Okay, so Juicy Couture did not start bad fashion; it just happened to create one of the worst fashion trends. If you own this ensemble, don’t throw it away (unless you’re a man). You can wear the top or the bottom; just try to refrain from wearing them at the same time. Think about it—have you ever been asked out while wearing this outfit? If so, I am sure the relationship ended with a restraining order.
[you] RIFE!
There has been bad fashion since we stopped walking around naked. Is it Juicy’s fault? Is it the designers’ fault for creating bad fashion? Or is it the consumers’ fault for buying it? Or should we blame Madonna for wearing free shit? Here are some other horrifying fashion faux pas:
• Shoulder pads. (Because looking like a linebacker is just so feminine.)
• Leg warmers. (Thanks a lot, Flashdance!)
• Pants fallin’ off the ass. (It could be worse—men could go back to showing off their bulges.)
• High-waisted “mom” jeans. (Great idea—wear something that makes your ass look bigger!)
• Uggs. (Nothing says fashion like puffy arctic boots in the summertime.)
• Socks with flip-flops. (This was never a trend; it was just stupid. If God wanted you to wear this, he would have made socks like mittens, but he didn’t, so stop doing it.)
• Popped collars. (Ever notice that the preppy douche bag in the movies always has his collar up? Think about it. Even if the style comes back, just say NO.)
№099
Scotland
For giving us our worst Olympic sport.
THE FACTS
In case you are not from Canada, curling is an Olympic “sport.” It involves pushing a granite stone on ice and then sweeping brooms in front of it. It takes a tremendous amount of skill and precision. If you wanna play, get some friends together in the wintertime. Grab a push broom, steal a few big flat stones from the neighbor’s yard, and head for the frozen creek. Then take the stones and throw them at your friends’ kneecaps. After that, proceed to beat the shit out of them with the broom for agreeing to play such a stupid game.
Curling is what people did for fun in Scotland in the sixteenth century… Some traditions should just die. I mean, seriously, we let you keep the kilt and bagpipe. The only reason you are not the world’s worst country ever is because you invented Scotch and you’re the birth place of the best James Bond. (No, not Timothy Dalton.)
[you] RIFE!
Curling is basically shuffleboard on ice (that thing that old people play in Florida). If Tampa ever gets to host the Winter Olympics, Grandpa Joe will be a U.S. Olympic hopeful.
Other bad Olympic sports that desperately need eradication:
• Shooting. This is great exercise for ONE eyelid. You don’t break a sweat or have your heart rise above 48 bpm. If you want respect, do the biathlon instead (skiing AND rifle shooting).
• Synchronized swimming. Actually, this takes lots of skill, but nobody cares to watch a few athletes splashing each other while clothed. If you want better ratings, add chicken fights!
• Race walking. Someone check the rule book—I don’t think oxymorons are even allowed…
• Table tennis. We can keep this if they start allowing air hockey and foosball! If not, then let’s yank it from the roster. (But wait till after Biba Golic retires.)
• Diving. Even gays think it’s gay.
• Trampoline. It’s better than diving. But it’s a trampoline. It’s a backyard activity for children. If we keep this, then we should allow badminton and beach volleyball too—oh, wait…
• Equestrian sports. Okay—then do I get to ride on my luck dragon in the 100-meter dash?
№100
Shawn Meneely
For eliminating diving boards.
THE FACTS
Imagine, if you will, it is summertime and a fourteen-year-old boy is having a blast at the neighbor’s pool. He and his friends are taking turns jumping off the diving board. The enthusiastic teenager springs off the board and attempts a suicide dive (a suicide dive involves jumping off a board headfirst with your arms at your sides). Quickly after entering the water, his head smashes into the upslope of the pool and he becomes paralyzed for life. This is the tragedy that happened to Shawn Meneely. His parents were crushed and angrily sued the National Spa & Pool Institute, the diving-board manufacturer, and even the pool builder. Shawn won $6.6 million from the NSPI. Now, thanks to the Meneelys and their lawyers, all backyard-pool diving boards have felt the sting of a painful belly flop.
The National Spinal Cord Injury Statistical Center reports that eight hundred Americans are permanently paralyzed as a result of diving accidents every year. More impressively, about three thousand people drown yearly without any help from diving boards. (Maybe it’s time to outlaw pools too.)
[you] RIFE!
The gainer, jackknife, swan dive, flip, and, of course, the CANNONBALL! Everyone got wet when you did that. Those were the days. Your summers were set if you had a friend with a pool and a board. Now diving boards have nearly vanished because of one clumsy boy and his greedy lawyers. I am all for safety and security, but there is a limit and it has gotten ridiculous. STOP taking the fun out of everything! Shit happens regardless. We don’t live in a white-padded-wall world, although with crazy lawsuits like these diving at our sanity, we may all end up there.
Afterward, Mr. Meneely tried to become an advocate for diving board safety—but really, he just became the poster boy for its eradication. So you still want a diving board? Well, too bad, because you need proper pool sizing. I know what you’re thinking—you will just have a pool built to the proper distance and depth. Well, it turns out, if you build it, they WON’T come. No insurance company will underwrite a diving board. And it doesn’t matter, because builders won’t install one. Thanks for the memories!
№101
The apple
For making sin so tasty.
THE FACTS
Here’s the story: God was bored and needed some company. So he grabbed some clay and made Adam. God then created a garden for Adam to live in, called
Eden. After that he created some cool animals for Adam to hang with. However, God felt a bit guilty because Adam had no one to mack on. So God decided to play matchmaker, grabbed a rib, and made Eve. Then he laid down the ground rules… The first rule of Eden: You do not eat from the Tree of Good and Evil. The second rule of Eden: You DO NOT eat from the Tree of Good and Evil! But they ate from it anyway. As a result, God kicked them out and cursed women to forever have horrible pain during childbirth.
Then God felt guilty again, so he created the epidural.
[you] RIFE!
Why did the pesky apple have to be so enticing in the first place? Now all of humankind is a bunch of no-good sinners all because of some mouthwatering Golden Delicious. But let’s be realistic, it had some help…
Way to go, Eve. You listened to some stupid talking snake and took the first bite of the apple. And then you tempted Adam with it. So step up and take some blame, sister.
Way to go, Adam. It’s more your fault for being a dope. You ate the apple just for a cute piece of ass. WAKE UP, man! You had the perfect “desert island” scenario. She would have totally let you bone her no matter what! Nice going, loser.
[you] Ruined It for Everyone! Page 11