by Lilian Darcy
She sat slowly on a chair. “Really?”
“Really.”
“That’s some family you got there.”
“I think so. Some of my sisters are nurses, some are teachers. By the time you add in husbands, we’ve got cops, doctors, journalists.”
“Overwhelming.”
“Only until you get used to it. Take Mary. You couldn’t ask for a sweeter, kinder person.”
“And Wendy?”
“She’s a little tougher in her own way. I mean, Mary dealt with the Asian tsunami cleanup, and a lot of severely wounded vets. I suspect she’s got a few nightmares, but you’d never guess. Wendy, though...well, she got tough a different way, chasing Yuma.”
That surprised a laugh from Edie. “How would that toughen her?”
“She fell in love with him when she was still a kid. He wanted no part of it. He had a lot of PTSD and a drinking problem. For a while he even lived up in the mountains with a bunch of other vets who had really severe PTSD. Anyway, Wendy didn’t give up. She went to work in a big-city emergency room so she could understand some of what Yuma was dealing with, then she came back here a grown woman and just refused to listen to his nonsense. She’d made up her mind. Even got involved with the vets in the mountains.”
“She sounds like something else.”
“There’s little that will divert her once she makes up her mind. You know, I bet Yuma would let you take the stick of one of our ERT Hueys, if you want.”
“I’d love that!”
He smiled. “I figured. I’ll see.”
Watching her dig into the salad did his heart good. As he had suspected, she needed more than sandwiches, and she really hadn’t had anything else all day. She also downed two glasses of milk. He made mental notes. Likely it wasn’t all that different from a good training diet.
He insisted on cleaning up and told her to go relax and, “For God’s sake, take off those boots.”
At that she giggled, a sound he hadn’t heard since that night in Afghanistan so long ago. She had laughed a few times since arriving here, but nothing that sounded quite as free as that giggle. Well, with the possible exception of when she saw what was in his fridge.
He knew, though, that something new had started to bother her that afternoon on the way back from the mountains, and he wondered how the hell he could find out. She wasn’t talking much yet, not that he could blame her. They’d shared the greatest of intimacies, had even created a life, yet they didn’t know each other at all, really. Perfect strangers. That didn’t create much of a climate for a heart-to-heart.
Although he wasn’t sure how good he was with that kind of thing. Neither of his marriages had been long enough to really test his ability to talk with a woman about difficult things...with the exception of one screaming match as a woman walked out the door.
He’d spent most of his adult life dealing with other men in special ops. He knew those rules, knew you could be closer than brothers and still not say some things. Ever.
He hadn’t been around his sisters enough over the years under circumstances that would have helped him make up for his shortfalls. But maybe talking to a woman wasn’t all that different. Maybe he just needed to be honest and find his way through.
Hell if he knew. All of a sudden he felt as if he had missed half of life’s necessary experiences.
When he went to the living room, he found that Edie had at last removed her boots. “How are your ankles?”
“Growing by the second.”
“Is that bad?”
“Not really. It’s only really bad if I spend all day standing or sitting. I didn’t do that today. The swelling will be minor.”
“Anything special you need to do for it?”
“Keep my feet up.”
He sat in the facing chair and waited. He had the worst urge to touch her, even if it was only to massage her ankles. Damn, it was too soon to be thinking of such things, if it would ever be possible again. A thought occurred to him.
“Do you feel like I betrayed you?”
Her eyes widened. “I told you I didn’t blame you. We’re adults, Seth. You even used protection.”
“But I was gone the next morning. I never wrote or anything.”
“You gave me your parents’ address. You’ll notice I didn’t try to reach you, either, until...well.”
“Yeah. But I still feel a little guilty. I mean, I’m used to having to take off that way. We didn’t hold still for long. But...unless you’re used to that it could seem cold.”
“I understood. I’ve been around that block a few times. I get missions and orders. I know.”
One advantage to a woman who had shared the lifestyle.
“But I’ve been thinking about that,” she said, pulling his entire attention to her.
“About what?” he asked when she remained silent.
“I may have to resign my commission.”
He didn’t like the sinking feeling that hit him in the gut. “Edie...” The protest was instinctive. He knew how hard he’d worked for his goals, and he didn’t for a second doubt she had worked every bit as hard. To just toss it all away?
But she shook her head. “I haven’t decided. But while you were out it struck me that I’ve been thinking about all the ways I can fit this baby into my life. I haven’t given any thought at all to how I can fit my life to this baby and what’s best for him.”
He honestly didn’t know how to respond to that. What good would it do to toss off easy suggestions about how he could fill in when necessary? He suspected that wasn’t what she was trying to get at. There was something deeper going on here.
One thought did occur to him, and he spoke it, knowing it might well infuriate her. “Just don’t give up so much that you immolate yourself on a pyre of self-denial.”
“Meaning?”
“A bitter mother is hardly better than no mother at all. You don’t want to hate this kid because he cost you everything.”
For an instant, he thought she was going to erupt. He could have sworn he saw blue fire leap in her eyes. Who was he, after all, to say anything about her decisions? But a few seconds later she sighed and closed her eyes. “You’re right. And that’s part of what’s making this so hard.”
“Anything else?”
“What?”
“Is something else pushing you on these decisions? Because I’m sure not every one of them needs to be made right away. I mean, some can be decided after the baby comes when you see how things are working. He’s not likely to remember much of his first few months except whether he feels secure.”
“True.” She still didn’t open her eyes. “Maybe I’m wondering these things because my own mother stunk at motherhood. She didn’t care enough to give up drugs.”
He hesitated. “Did they affect you?”
“No. Apparently not. From everything my grandmother said, I wasn’t born addicted. I guess she didn’t really get hooked herself until after I came along.”
“Or maybe she cared enough not to mess you up while she carried you.”
Edie’s eyes snapped open. He couldn’t read her expression at all. He wished he were a mind reader. “It’s possible,” she said finally. “I don’t know much. Anything’s possible.”
“Cling to that thought. It’s better than other possibilities.”
“Are you always an optimist?”
“I couldn’t have done all that redacted stuff if I weren’t.”
Her eyes widened, then a genuine, delightful laugh escaped her. “That’s so true! Same here.”
He grinned. “I love your laugh.”
The words seemed to hang in the air, stilling it, quieting even the quiet house. Her expression changed, but he couldn’t read it, and he hoped he hadn’t just put his foot
in it big-time, although he couldn’t imagine how.
“Thanks,” she said finally. It was almost noncommittal.
Now where to go? She didn’t want to be pressured, understandably, but he had a stake in this, and realized that it was growing more important to him by the hour. “This baby thing?” he said finally, hoping he wouldn’t say it all wrong.
“Yes?”
“I’m starting to really like the idea. Next thing I’ll be buying catcher’s mitts and baseball bats.”
Another laugh escaped her, but it wasn’t as light and easy. “Too soon.”
“I think,” he said slowly, “that was kind of my point. Not everything has to be decided before the baby comes. A general outline would be great, but some of this is just going to have to be flying by the seat of the pants. It must be for everyone.”
She let her head fall back and closed her eyes. At least she wasn’t angry. “I guess I’m trying to deal with this like a mission, take care of all the details ahead of time. And I don’t even know what all the details are yet.”
“No,” he agreed.
She popped open one eye. “You’re serious? You really like the idea of the baby?”
“I really do. More and more as I think about it. So much so that I hope you and I can work out ways to give him the best life possible. I definitely want to be a part of it. As big a part as you’ll allow.”
She stunned him then with a challenge that sounded almost angry. “So then let’s get married and create that nice little family you’re imagining!”
He stared at her.
She laughed and the sound was edgy. “Right. This is always going to be clear skies and sailing. Just patch a few holes in the boat and everything will be right.”
A certainty settled over him. “Okay.”
Her jaw dropped and now both her eyes opened. “Cut it out.”
“I’m serious. I’ll marry you tomorrow. Give the boy a name. A father.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Seth! Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, and damn it, it would just make things messier. You ought to know that!”
“Messier how? It wouldn’t be the first marriage of convenience. Having a father to look after the child could salvage your career. I’ll go wherever you go and give the boy a stable home. If we discover we can’t stand it, well, maybe divorce wouldn’t be as bad for the kid as not trying at all.”
She swore. “You’ve lost your mind!”
“I don’t think so. Damn it, Edie, I married twice for love. The first time turned into hell anyway. The second...well, I’m not keen to go through that kind of pain again. So why not do it for the kid? We’d set our boundaries, take care of the baby and maybe just be good friends. You could still have your career. The kid gets a stable home. Think you can’t tough it out for twenty years? Somehow I doubt that, given what you’ve done with your life.”
“Toughing it out isn’t my idea of marriage.”
“Maybe not. But what are the risks compared to what we’re considering now? Minimal for you and me. Better for the baby.”
“If we don’t fight like cats and dogs.”
He shook his head. “I’ve got more self-control than that. I think you do, too. So consider this my proposal. Save your career, give the baby the home you’re worrying about, and we’ll deal with each other as two people on a mission.”
“Damn, doesn’t that sound like a SEAL.”
One corner of his mouth lifted, although he didn’t at all feel like smiling. “Think like a pilot. You want to plan the mission? This is the biggest missing piece.”
She slammed the recliner footrest down and stood up. “I’m going to bed. And you’re insane.”
He watched her walk down the hall to his bedroom, then sat back in his own chair. Well, he’d sure riled her.
But he didn’t think he was insane.
Chapter Six
Edie didn’t sleep much. So much for being sleepier as the pregnancy progressed. She tossed and turned, feeling as if Seth had opened a whole new can of worms when she was already trying to deal with a dozen of them.
She also felt as if Mephistopheles were whispering in her ear, tempting her with promises of a return to a seminormal career, of rising again as she had hoped to rise, of returning to flight status and combat status, the chance to once again rescue her comrades in their hour of need.
A devil’s temptation, she thought. Sell her soul for her career? But would it even be selling her soul?
Her confusion and distress reached new heights. She tried to calm herself down for the sake of the child. She understood that her stress could be bad for the baby. But hell, she’d been stressed continuously for months now. What was a little more?
Seth was nuts. A marriage of convenience? Seriously?
But it tempted her. To know that so many details would be taken care of, that the stability she worried about for the child would be provided, yeah, it was tempting.
It was still crazy.
She was sure he was imagining something like the family he’d found with the Tates. Perhaps like his adoptive family. Apparently he had a good background that way. Her, not so much. She hadn’t the foggiest idea how to manage it.
So what the hell was she doing having a baby anyway?
Frustrated, angry, scared, when she got up in the morning, she packed her duffel and headed for the door. She was going back to base. She’d deal with this by herself, because somehow that felt better than letting anyone else step in. Her overwhelming need for control, she supposed. Part of what made her a damn good pilot.
She didn’t get to the front door before she was blocked by Seth. “Running?” he asked casually.
“From a crazy man. I need space.”
“I’ll give it to you here, but I’m not letting you go.”
“You can’t keep me.”
He put his hands on his narrow hips and stared her down. “Damn it, Edie, you know running never fixed a thing. You’re the last person on this planet I would expect to flee. You’ve faced down a helluva lot more than me making a suggestion that marriage might be a solution.”
“Shotgun marriages don’t work.”
“Then say no and I’ll drop it.”
God! She opened her mouth but the word wouldn’t come out. Damn it, it was as if temptation had cast a spell over her. And it wasn’t just about her job, she realized, it was about a damnably attractive guy who she still felt pulled toward as if he were a lodestone. A guy who had broken down years of barriers, taken her to places she couldn’t have even imagined, all in a hurried quickie in a ramshackle room on the other side of the world.
She dropped her duffel. Anger at herself swamped her. She was not like this. She was not. She was always decisive, always figured out her plans, always handled things. And all of a sudden she didn’t want to handle anything. Not one more thing.
“Aw, hell,” Seth said, his entire posture softening. It was only then that she realized tears had begun to run down her face.
She wanted to turn away, to hide them, but before she could do so he closed the distance, wrapped his arms around her and carried her to a recliner. He placed her on his lap, tipped back and wound her in his strong embrace, just holding her.
“Shh,” he murmured softly, and to her amazement she felt him stroke her hair. “It’s been hell for you. But you’re not alone now.”
That broke through the last of her resistance and the tears began to run freely. For the first time in a long time, sobs ripped through her. For the first time in a long time she honestly felt that she might not be alone.
She wanted to rail against the weakness, but she couldn’t. It just felt so damn good to be held, to be with someone who was sharing the problems. The tough exterior she’d built in a man’s world was
crumbling, and it frightened her, but it felt good, too.
“I never cry,” she hiccupped. “At least not until I got pregnant.”
“I cry sometimes,” he said quietly. “Everyone needs to, once in a while.”
The sobbing eased, but the tears continued for a while longer. Months of stress, anguish, worry...all of it seemed to be pouring out through her eyes. Seth continued to hold her close, as if trying to let her know he cared and was there with her.
But how could he care? He didn’t know her. Or maybe in some ways he did. He certainly didn’t seem to dislike her. She dashed at her eyes, wiped her face on her sleeve, but when she tried to sit up he wouldn’t let her.
“Just rest. Just let the calm come. You know how to do it. You’ve been calm in worse situations.”
He was right. She drew a deep breath and sought that familiar place that always accompanied her when she climbed into a cockpit. That wasn’t so hard. And it did feel so good to lie against him with her head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. Never had she done that before. Never.
“So the baby is moving, right?” he asked.
“Plenty. Very active little guy.”
“Can I feel it sometime?”
Since the baby was now poking her gently—a foot or a hand, she didn’t know—she took his hand and placed it over the spot where she could feel the small pressure. After a few moments, he said, “Wow!”
“Yeah,” she agreed, her voice rusty. “It’s amazing.”
And it was. She loved it. If there was one thing she loved about this whole situation, it was feeling that life inside her. Every movement was a reminder, a promise, a joy. It was only when she got buried in the other stuff that she lost sight of the joy.
“You know,” he said, with his hand still on her belly to feel the stirring baby, “it’s not every day a guy gets a proposal from an ace pilot.”
That drew a weak laugh from her. “I was being sarcastic.”
“I know. But I wasn’t.”
She caught her breath, feeling that sinuous pull of her attraction to him. She tried to tug away from it, but that was hard to do when she was lying in his lap and against his chest this way. Damn, he even smelled good, like fresh air and soap. And like man. Never before had she allowed herself to appreciate that last scent, but she was appreciating it now. Desires she had kept in cold storage except for one night were thawing again. Damn, that would only complicate things. She fought around for something else to think of.