by Lilian Darcy
Her smile broadened a shade. “You’d love that, wouldn’t you?”
“Probably,” he admitted. “I’d sure like to help somehow.”
“You’re taking me home. The dressing part I can do myself as soon as they take this IV out of my hand.”
He stepped closer and took her hand, the one that didn’t have a needle in it. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. While I’ve been lying here scared to death, I thought about some of the things you said. So here’s my new rule.”
“What’s that?”
“No hostage taking.”
“I shouldn’t have...”
She interrupted. “I had time to think about this from a perspective other than my own. I haven’t been fair or just about this. It’s time to start. We’ll talk more once they let me go.”
Before he could say another word, a nurse shooed him out and he was standing in the hallway outside, waiting.
He felt sappy happy for the first time in years. He was getting another chance.
* * *
Edie was astonished to find Nate, Marge and Wendy all there. As they accompanied her and Seth out to the car, she couldn’t help but think it would be nice to have a family like this, one that was there immediately in times of difficulty. She’d never had that, not like this. Inevitably, the notion wormed into her mind that this would be good for her son, very good. Far better than what she could provide alone.
Marge announced she was bringing over a casserole for them later. Wendy said they’d postpone their dinner plans for a few days but made Seth promise to give Edie her cell number just in case.
In short, she felt wrapped in love and concern, something she had never dreamed might happen. She was a stranger, but she’d been pulled into their tight circle so quickly it amazed her.
On the way back to the house, a random thought occurred to her. “You missed the bed delivery.”
“Like hell. There’s one thing about having family. Yuma’s over there to take care of it. I hope he hasn’t already left. I think you’d like him a whole lot.”
“I suspect I will. I still can’t believe your brother-in-law David came racing down to the E.R. to manage things.”
“That’s the way this family works. Hell, most of the time it’s the way this county works, from what I’ve seen. I’m not completely clued in yet, because I’ve only been here when I had leave, but folks around here are pretty good about not ignoring a neighbor in trouble. Mom’s casserole won’t be the last one,” he warned her.
“But I’m not sick.”
“They won’t care. You had a scare. Hell, so did I.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? You had a sharp pain, and seeing as how neither of us are pros at pregnancy, we did the smart thing. I was going crazy, though, not being allowed to see you. Not family. I’m sure David violated a whole bunch of rules when he finally told me you were okay.”
“Oh.” She fell silent, thinking about that. Another thing she hadn’t considered. The thought of him being kept away if something happened with their baby, now or later, seriously troubled her.
When they got back to the house, Yuma was still there. A good-looking man, Edie thought, even though he appeared to be nearly twenty years older than Wendy.
“Bed’s in place, like you wanted,” he told Seth after introductions were made. Then he focused his attention on Edie. “Wendy says you’d like to take the stick on one of our Hueys.”
“I’d love it.”
He gave her a slow smile. “Then count on it. I’ll ride in the right-hand seat, but you’ve flown one before, haven’t you?”
“In training.”
“Great. Then you’re going to have a blast, especially around the mountains. But given where you’ve been flying, I guess you know that. Okay, I’m off.” He patted the pager on his belt. “Believe it or not, I’m on call.”
“Why wouldn’t I believe it?” Seth asked humorously. “You and Wendy are almost always on call.”
“Few hands, much work. Nice meeting you, Edie. I’m looking forward to flying with you.”
Then he was gone.
Seth guided Edie back to the recliner. “Okay, now to business.”
“What business?”
“What were your discharge orders?”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “No big deal.”
Seth scanned them. “Take it very easy for twenty-four hours. That’s not so bad.”
“Except that I’m not built to be a couch potato.”
He chuckled quietly. “You can tolerate one day.”
But she could see tension around his eyes and once again wondered what was going on inside him. Was she ready to risk asking? Look what had happened earlier. His thoughts seemed to run in very different directions than hers.
Or maybe she was just deluding herself. Maybe they weren’t as far apart as she wanted to pretend. She settled onto the recliner with a sigh and elevated her feet. At once Seth started unlacing her boots.
“We’ve got to get you something more reasonable to wear around the house. Desert boots are overdoing it, don’t you think?”
She cocked a brow at him. “Have you ever found anything more comfortable?”
“Well, no, but certainly lighter.”
He didn’t stop with removing her boots, but sat at the foot of the chair and began to massage her ankles and feet. He didn’t ask if she minded, and she certainly didn’t. With each gentle knead, relaxation seemed to pour through her.
“Boy, that feels good,” she said finally and looked into his smiling eyes.
“That was my hope. A foot massage is at the top of my list for causing relaxation. It’s amazing how rubbing the feet can ease knots everywhere. I had a high school coach once who recommended walking barefoot on grass to achieve the same thing.”
“It’s been a long time since I thought of doing anything barefoot.”
His smile faded a shade. “I know. You get so that if you pull those boots off, they’d better be in arm’s reach.”
“You’d know better than anyone.” She waited, wondering what he might share, understanding that he’d never be able to really talk about the things he’d done as a SEAL. That would forever be a silent chapter. When he didn’t immediately answer, she let her eyes close and gave herself up to the wonder of having her feet rubbed for the first time in her life. Heaven!
All of a sudden, a ridiculous thought popped out of her mouth. “Do they redact your memories, too?”
His hands stilled, then he said, “I wish.” He laughed quietly, though. “I don’t have to tell you. We learn to live with it all, don’t we?”
“I suppose. I can occasionally wake up with a nightmare about having a close call, but I’m glad it doesn’t happen often. A sound that reminds me of rotors can flash me back in an instant. I hear the bird, I smell it, taste the metal and fuel and exhaust in the air. But just for an instant.”
“I don’t flash back much. I don’t know why I’m so damn lucky. Maybe because it got to be so routine after so many years. Danged if I know. Or maybe something in me just quit. We did what we had to do. Unfortunately, too many of us struggle with it for years.”
“I know,” she answered quietly. “So we’re lucky.”
“I guess so.” He smiled, an expression that caused her insides to melt and a tingle to begin between her thighs. She wanted to tamp down on it then wondered why. He’d already expressed that he found her sexy, and despite her initial reaction, she liked knowing that. Anyway, there were her discharge orders protecting her. Take it easy for a whole day. She doubted wild lovemaking, such as they’d shared that one night, qualified as taking it easy.
“Is he moving?” Seth asked.
She realiz
ed her hand had come to rest on her belly again. “Yeah. Sometimes I wonder if he ever sleeps.”
“What does it feel like to you?”
“Mostly gentle little pokes, sometimes almost like small moving gas bubbles. It depends on how forceful he’s being, but the feeling gets stronger with time.”
“Not painful?”
“Nope. Well, maybe not until today. It could have been a digestion problem. They said that’s common in pregnancy.”
“I guess I need to get a book and read up. Have you thought about names?”
Her breath stopped, just briefly. “No.” But a volcano of realization erupted in her at the thought. All this time she told herself she’d been coping. All this time she thought she had accepted the reality of this baby. After all, she could feel it moving within her, and that was as real as it got.
But she suddenly understood she’d been keeping up some kind of pretense with herself. Maybe a wall. Right up until the last few days, she’d been objectifying this baby, calling it “it,” “the kid,” “the baby.” The closest she’d come to thinking of it as a real child had been when she referred to him as “Junior.” Hell, she had only recently gotten to thinking of it as a him.
Seth already referred to “my son” and “my baby.” He had taken possession. She had not. In some way she had refused, all the while planning everything out, to own her own child in some deeply emotional way.
“Edie? Did I say something wrong?”
She had to force herself to look at him as a tide of guilt overwhelmed her. She was soon to be a mother but had been thinking of her child in such a detached way. Distancing herself.
“I’m going to be a lousy mother.”
Surprise dashed across his face. “What brought that on?”
“A good hard look inward.” She hesitated, wondering if she should even try to explain this to him. She looked away again, dealing with the storm inside herself. She didn’t like what she was seeing. Objectifying this child. What kind of mother did that?
“Edie?” The prompt was quiet, gentle.
Just another assignment. Just another problem to be dealt with. Not a living human being who would soon be utterly dependent on her caring and love. She hadn’t given that love yet, had in fact avoided it. Had she been stupid enough to think that could continue, especially after the baby was born?
Seth stopped rubbing her feet and moved until he was kneeling beside the chair. With his fingertips, he turned her face toward him. “Talk to me,” he insisted quietly. “We’ve both got a lot to work through. It’s amazing how helpful talking can be.”
“You don’t do much of it.”
“I do more than you in some ways. I have this tight little self-protective core and I know it. Twenty years in special ops makes it essential. Well, I get the feeling you have one, too. I respect that. But maybe we need to edge out of them a bit, cross those barriers. We’d have to do it with our baby.”
“That’s just it,” she admitted finally. She closed her eyes because she didn’t want to see his reaction. “I just realized I’ve been objectifying this baby. Making it something other than my child. Oh, it’s my responsibility, but thinking of it as my child, my son...I’ve been avoiding it. Until I got here I didn’t even think of him as a he. Just as the kid. He could have been anyone’s kid, the way I was thinking.” She paused. “Maybe I didn’t always talk that way, but that’s how I was thinking. Trying not to feel.”
He spoke slowly, as if feeling his way. “Is that a crime?”
Her eyes snapped open. “What if I keep doing that?”
“Somehow I think you won’t be able to keep on doing it once you hold our baby. I just don’t read you that way. You’ve got nerves of steel when you need them, but people go into CSAR out of passion. You’ve got a lot of passion to get where you’ve gotten. You give a damn about things, and you’re going to give a damn about this baby in time.”
“So sure?”
One corner of his mouth lifted. “Absolutely. Once we sort out all the things that have been worrying you and bugging you, you’ll have room for the rest of it. You’ve had a lot to deal with, Edie, and you’ve been pretty much handling it solo. Of course you went into mission mind-set. But once a lot of this gets ironed out, you’ll have the emotional space to think about actually being a mom.”
“I just don’t know how to cross over.”
“I asked my dad about that.”
“You did?” Her eyes widened a bit.
“Of course I did. I know what I am, who I’ve become. I probably know better than most people because I’ve had to get into the dark places most people never have to find in themselves. So I asked my dad how he made the transition. How he crossed back over the lines you have to cross in special ops. How you transition from being a warrior to a dad.”
“What did he say?”
“Once you hold that baby for the first time, it becomes the center of everything, basically. So I think you’ll do it, whether you figure it out or not in advance. You’ve pretty much been in a defensive crouch for months. Defending yourself, defending your decisions, trying to defend your career and, yes, even defending your decision to keep this baby. Well, you can relax a little now. I’ll take on as much as I can, as much as you’ll let me.”
He made it sound so easy. She resisted, then realized that maybe it was just that easy. Anything she didn’t figure out now, she would figure out later. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, but not about the actuality,” she admitted. “Don’t most people by this point start buying baby clothes or something?”
“You’re asking the wrong person about that.”
Despite a feeling of disappointment with herself, she felt the corners of her mouth lift a little. “I haven’t even wanted to face maternity clothes.”
“You faced them pretty good yesterday.”
“I guess.” At least she hadn’t choked. “The other thing is...” She hesitated.
“Yes?” He waited.
“After what you said about not being allowed to find out what was going on with me because we’re not family...it struck me how awful it would be if the baby had a problem and you were cut out like that.”
“Or if you have a problem,” he reminded her quietly.
“I know a lot of people are forced to deal with that, but there’s got to be some way around it. It just hit me hard that it would be so unfair to you. You’ve already committed to raising this child. That means you’re bound to get involved and care.”
“I already care,” he admitted. “And it’s our child. Our son.”
“Our son,” she repeated. The words came more easily now. “What if he got sick? What if something happened to both of us and you couldn’t do a damn thing except pace a waiting room like you did today? That’s awful. I don’t want that to ever happen. And what if, God forbid, something should happen to me? You’ve got to have a right to this...our son. I’d hate to think of anything else.”
His next words surprised her. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For telling me that you’re ready to let me be part of our child’s life. However we work it out, that’s what I needed to hear.”
He actually smiled at her. She had the worst urge to reach out a hand and touch him, run her fingers over his hair, cup his cheek. She still wanted him in the same way she had wanted him that night months ago. Maybe even more now. She stopped herself, though. Too much remained unsettled to confuse them even more by having sex.
“You’re accepting this faster than I am,” she remarked.
“Well, I’ve had a whole lot less adjusting to do. I’m going to be a father. Awesome. No career to bollix things up, no superior officers making suggestions they shouldn’t make, none of it. I got the easy end.”
“That remains to be seen,
” she said, feeling an errant bubble of humor. “You can take the middle-of-the-night feedings.”
He laughed, and the sound melted something inside her. He didn’t press her, though, didn’t seem to take it as a statement of fact, but as a joke. Which is how she meant it. For now. She still wasn’t sure she wanted him around all the time. But she was rapidly coming to the conclusion she wanted him around at least some of the time.
“Okay,” he said presently, “let me throw a couple of things out here. No pressure. No need to make up your mind right now. We can solve a lot of these problems by going to an attorney. Probably cost an arm and a leg, but we can get legal papers, I’m sure, acknowledging my paternity, giving me medical power of some kind...I mean, I’m sure a lawyer could sew things up so you wouldn’t have to worry about those things.”
“Probably. Have you got an arm and a leg?”
He waved one arm with a wink. “I can manage.”
“And the other thing?” Although she already knew, for some reason she wanted to hear him say it again.
“You know. Marriage. That’s an automatic slam dunk on legal issues. We can work out the details of how to manage it between us, but it’s a valid option.”
She nodded but didn’t answer. The option was still there, and it was sinking deeper and deeper ever since they had first discussed it. Then she asked, “Seth, what if it blows up?”
“I’ve survived one ugly divorce. I can survive another. Except I want one promise—that it won’t be ugly. That wouldn’t be good for our son. If you decide you can’t stand the sight of me, just tell me to pack. I don’t need the whole vituperation thing.”
“I don’t do much vituperation.”
“Good.” There was no smile in his eyes now, but rather a steely look. She wondered if he was remembering, or assuming a mantle of determination. Either way, for a few seconds he looked harder than a diamond-edged blade.
“After what you’ve been through, I’m surprised you can even suggest marriage.”
A smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Ah, it wasn’t all bad. Trust me. It was just hell when they ended. Our son is a good enough reason for me to give it another shot. Your rules, of course. But the boy is a good enough reason for me. The question is whether he is for you.”