by Lilian Darcy
“Just for a drive. It’s nearly six, getting light.” He dived into the same shirt and sweater he’d been wearing last night. “I’ll head over to the hotel and grab an early morning coffee and wait for my parents.”
“Want me to come with you?”
“No. No, I don’t.”
“Why?”
He swore under his breath. “Lee, we have to end this.”
“End it?”
“Go back to what we first decided when I came here. That we’ll stay connected because of the baby, but not involved. It’s the only way I can do it. Ending it. It’s the only thing that’s going to work.”
“Stopping this.” She was afraid she wasn’t being clear. More afraid about what he was saying. “Stopping this.” She meant all of it. Did he get that? Bed and laughter and connection. Surely, if he thought about it...
But no.
“It’s ended now,” he said. “It’s over, Lee. Because I can’t go on being with you.” His voice cracked again. “Being half together and half not. Being together today but maybe not tomorrow. Together in bed, but not on paper. Sharing a baby, but not our lives. And pushing away anything that even smells like a long-term plan because you’re so scared we’re just doing it for the baby. If we’re not making a full commitment to each other and to our future, then we’re not together at all, period. I’m sorry.” His voice sounded so harsh she thought it must be hurting his throat. “I can’t do it any other way.”
The flow of words came to an end and he waited, standing there with his whole body practically crackling, wanting her response.
She knew she had to give it to him, and she knew there was only one thing she could say. It was so hard. Incredibly, impossibly, horribly hard, but she didn’t have a choice.
If she crawled off this bed and pushed herself into his arms and started begging and compromising and arguing, if she told him she would marry him just because she didn’t want to lose him, she’d be doing the exact thing she was so afraid of—burdening the baby with a marriage that had happened for the wrong reasons.
She took a breath. “Okay.”
He said vaguely, as if his speech still left him breathless and without words, “What?”
“I said okay, Mac. I—I can see that’s what we have to do.”
They looked at each other, pained and shocked and helpless about the point they’d reached so fast and suddenly.
“Yes. It is,” he said bleakly.
His feet were still bare. She watched in gut-wrenching silence as he found clean socks and the hiking boots from yesterday, and pulled them on. He didn’t look at her while he did it, because that last glance between them had been too unbearable.
Only once he reached the door, with his keys in his hand, did he look back. “I guess I’ll see you closer to the time.”
For a moment, she didn’t understand. “What time?”
“The birth.”
And then he left.
It didn’t seem real. When she’d left Colorado, she’d driven away from something that had seemed like an interlude, fun and magical but not part of her new life. Having him come after her had given her this illusion that they could go on the same as before, even with a baby in their future. But he was right. They couldn’t. It hadn’t worked. He needed all or nothing, and she couldn’t give him all when the reasons were all wrong, so this was the point they’d reached.
She heard the engine of his truck idling and then picking up speed. There was a blanket of snow on the ground that muffled all sound, and she had to strain to hear that hissing, rumbling noise of him wheeling around to reach the road. The hum of him picking up speed. Now the engine sound was ebbing, and in another few seconds she wouldn’t be able to hear it at all.
She felt empty, bereft and lost. Where was the original vision she’d had of herself coming east, reconnecting with her sisters and setting up an independent, satisfying future for herself? Lee couldn’t remember how she’d thought that would work, but today—somehow, shockingly—was the day she had to get started on it.
Baby steps, starting with climbing out of bed.
She felt like an old woman, moving stiffly to the bathroom. Mac’s bathroom, with his shaving gear sitting beside the sink, and his shampoo on the edge of the tub. She took a shower, feeling as if she had a rock in her stomach as well as a baby. It made her ill. She dressed and made sure she hadn’t left anything of hers behind, because she wouldn’t be coming here again.
Then she drove through the fall of fresh snow back to Spruce Bay, where Mary Jane and Daisy were about to open the restaurant for home-cooked breakfast, featuring Daisy’s signature muffin baskets as well as hot eggs and sides. Lee helped, even though she wasn’t really needed.
“You’ll need me when we get busier, though,” she told her sisters, “So I should get in some practice.”
“What’s up? You don’t look that great,” Mary Jane said.
“I’m fine. Didn’t sleep well.” Because she should get in some practice at shrugging off questions about Mac, too. There would be a lot of them, no doubt, and at some point she’d have to say, “We’ve split up.” But she couldn’t manage to say it yet.
They served a party of ten for breakfast. They were here for some serious fishing, and were done with the meal by eight. Lee, Mary Jane and Daisy cleared up together, and it felt like the first sign that she might actually get through this—alive, if not happy. The restaurant and kitchen were bright and warm, the clouds were clearing away and the sun was coming out, and it was great to talk and laugh as they worked.
“Do we have anyone staying over tonight?” Daisy asked Mary Jane.
“No, all the guests are checking out, then no more bookings till Wednesday. Can’t wait till the weather warms up and we’re full. I want to see people using the new barbecue area and sitting by the pool, now that it’s all so much more inviting.”
“Today I’m loving the snow,” Daisy said. “So beautiful! Sparkling in the sun.”
“It won’t last,” Lee interjected.
She could hear how downbeat it sounded, but Daisy only teased her. “I know that, ski queen, but there is life after snow, you know.”
Life after snow. Life after Mac. Was there?
It was Daisy who enjoyed the snow that morning. Tucker arrived and she went out to meet him, as they’d almost finished in the restaurant, so she wasn’t really needed. Resetting the tables by the window, Lee saw them greet each other, and felt a stab of loss so powerful that it froze her in place.
She couldn’t look away. Tucker whirled Daisy into his arms and they gazed at each other as if they’d never imagined a moment so precious. He bent to kiss her and she reached to run her fingers through his hair. They grinned at each other, and Lee blinked back tears. The next time she looked they were making a snowman.
It made her think about herself and Mac in Colorado, the way they’d laughed and the way they’d made love, the times they’d been out in the cold fresh air together and the times they’d wrapped themselves up in warmth. All the talking and silliness and shared moments... She ached for it and yearned for it and missed it so much.
She wanted to be with him, and he wasn’t here.
It seemed like a loss as extreme and permanent as death, and she wanted him back. She just wanted him back, and she never wanted to have to feel like this again.
“And it’s nothing to do with making things right for the baby,” she whispered out loud, as the realization came. “It’s him. It’s just him. I love him. I want him in my life. For the rest of my days. Those aren’t the wrong reasons. They’re the right ones. Why didn’t I know that before?”
“Are you done? Can we close up?” said Mary Jane from the kitchen doorway.
“Oh. Yes.” Lee glanced vaguely down at the table. The napkins were missing, but she wasn
’t going to think about that now.
“You sure you’re okay? You’ve been so quiet and not yourself this morning.”
“I think I’m okay.”
“But you’re not sure.”
“I want to marry Mac.” She blinked back tears. “I’m certain about that. Not sure about much else, actually.” She tried a laugh. It didn’t work. “But he asked, and I turned him down, and what if it’s too late?”
“He asked and you turned him down,” Mary Jane echoed in astonishment.
“Yes. I was scared about our reasons. That’s always been important, after Tucker.”
“But now you’ve changed your mind?”
“Yes. Because all this time I’ve been thinking about the baby, and how we shouldn’t do something like that just for our child’s sake. But I miss Mac so much, and it’s not about the baby at all. It just hit me. I want him so much, and the baby is precious, but it’s not a part of the wanting. Not for me, anyhow. But what if it’s too late?”
“Let me get this straight. When did he ask you?”
“This morning.”
“This morning, about three hours ago, and you’re scared it’s too late.”
Yes, because I’m desperate, and it’s been the longest three hours of my life.
“I want to see him. I need to.”
“So call. Go. Find him.”
“Mary Jane, why are you making it sound as if this is simple?”
“Because I think it is. I think you’ve made it all complicated in your head because you haven’t known each other long, because you have a responsibility to the baby that you would never take lightly, because you made a mistake once before and because you like to be your own person. But Mac gets you, Lee, and you get him. I’ve seen it. You’re both in your thirties now, and if you don’t know pretty fast by this time whether something clicks or not, then you haven’t learned much in life. You and Mac click. You and Mac are right. Go fix things, or I’m going to get annoyed.”
“Go fix things....”
“Please!”
So she went, scared as a kitten, confused as a rabbit. Where would he be? Still at the hotel with his parents? Could she really just ambush him like that?
But she drove there anyhow. The snow was already melting, dripping from the trees, making the wet vegetation glisten in the sun. The ambush happened in the worst possible way.
Or the best, depending on your point of view.
She met him coming across the huge, grand lobby, carrying his parents’ baggage while they walked just ahead of him. He spotted her and put the two suitcases down. His parents saw her and exchanged a look, and she knew he must have told them what had happened this morning, before dawn.
“Can I talk to him?” she almost begged them.
“Of course,” Gina said, brief and polite, while her husband gave a stiff nod.
“I’ll take all that,” Paul said to his son, and he grabbed the suitcase handles, while Mac was still standing there, looking the way Lee had felt a few thousand heartbeats ago when she’d stood by the window in the restaurant, staring out at true love in the snow.
“Outside,” Mac said. He went through the glassed-in bar that was opened up to the outdoors in the summer months, but enclosed and warm now. She followed him, and they reached the terrace and went down the steps, where there was a line of crab apple trees beginning to bud beside the stone pathway.
“I’ve changed my mind,” Lee said, and burst into tears.
He held her and she couldn’t stop crying enough to speak, which was crazy and frustrating, and eventually he said, very cautiously, “About what?”
“About marrying you.”
He didn’t answer. Maybe Mary Jane was wrong.
“If you still want to.”
He laughed. “Lee?”
“I felt as if you’d died. Like I was never going to see you again, and that I’d be mourning for you and missing you the rest of my life. And all the holding back because maybe you were talking about it for the wrong reasons just seemed so stupid. There’s only one reason. You said it, and I couldn’t hear it, because I made that mistake before, and I’ve been so careful ever since about being my own person and making good decisions and knowing the reasons for the things I did. I love you. That’s the only reason. I love you. You were right. Can we get married? Will you marry me?”
He was still laughing. “Lucky I’m pretty secure in my masculinity, because now you’re the one proposing.”
“You did it first.”
“Wasn’t that well-received, I felt.”
“I’m not doing any better a job with it, am I?”
“Nope. You get a few points for the crab apple trees and the melting snow, because they’re quite pretty, but that’s about it.”
“You wanted me to say it with roses?”
“Ah, hell, Lee, I just wanted you to say it.” He stepped closer. “And now you are. And that’s all that matters.”
“Well, this is the point I’ve been trying to make, yes,” she told him with a brazen disregard for truth.
“All that matters,” he repeated, gathering her close and sending his warm breath through her hair with the words. “I don’t care what nonsense you talk.”
“I love it when we talk nonsense. That was one of the things.”
“The things?”
“That hurt me because I missed them so much. I missed all the things we said to each other, the fun we had, the things we agreed on, the things we did together. And I knew I wanted to marry you for those things, not for anything else. It’ll be great for the baby if we’re married, but I wanted it for all the other reasons, not for that.”
“All the other reasons and that,” he corrected gently, and once again she knew he was right.
“All the other reasons and that,” she repeated, and it made such total sense that there was nothing more to say, and nothing to do but kiss him, while the sun shone and the snow melted around them.
Chapter Seventeen
“Tell us as soon as you can when we’ll be coming back here for a wedding,” Gina told Lee, enfolding her in a warm hug.
“Will it be before or after the baby is born?” Paul asked in turn.
They stood in the departure concourse at Albany Airport, waiting for the boarding announcement. Mac and Lee looked at each other, and he said with a grin, “Give us a break, guys! We’ve gone from splitting up to getting married in the space of half a day, and still haven’t caught our breath. Wedding date comes in a separate announcement.”
“I’m so happy about it!” His mom wiped her eyes and gave him a hug this time. “Lee, I don’t know if you knew there was another reason we wanted to make this trip....”
“Mac told me,” she said.
“I don’t think we’ve been all that fair to you. We were tense. It was a hard time, seven years ago. We questioned a lot of Sloane’s choices, and we were afraid we might see some of those same choices being made all over again.”
“I know. Mac’s been scared about it, too, and that put pressure on both of us. We’ve worked through most of that, I think.”
“That’s so good to hear. You look so good together.”
“Hope so!”
The boarding announcement came, and Gina and Paul didn’t linger, as they still needed to get through security. After they’d disappeared, Mac and Lee were left on their own. “What shall we do?” he said. “Head straight back? Or maybe stop in Saratoga for something to eat?”
“Whatever you want,” she told him. “Whatever we feel like. Let’s not plan. Let’s just drive and see what happens. We’re getting married, Mac, and I’m floating on air about it, and as long as I’m with you, that’s all that’s important.” She reached up and touched his face—claiming it, if she was honest.<
br />
He didn’t seem to mind about that. He put his arm around her and they began to walk through the concourse. “Boy, when you change your mind, you really change your mind!”
“Don’t change yours,” she said, leaning against his chest and nestling against his beloved body.
“Not planning to. Planning to love you, make a home with you, starting with the rental up north....”
“Buy our own place, when we can?”
“Somewhere close to the snow, and to Spruce Bay. Somewhere with a yard so our kids—”
“Kids?” she interrupted.
“Definitely with an s on the end.”
“Where they can play,” she agreed.
“Yes.”
“They can play at Spruce Bay.”
“They can.”
“They’ll love Spruce Bay. I did, my whole childhood.”
“Lee, I want to keep this—”
“The floating on air?”
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” They’d almost reached the exit, and his pickup was waiting not far away, in the lot.
“Feels wonderful,” she agreed.
“Keep it forever? Shall we shoot for that?”
“You know I like to win, and to aim high.”
“We’re winners already.”
“All three of us,” Lee said, very firmly, and Mac held her even closer as they walked out into the open air, and into their shared future.
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt from HOLIDAY BY DESIGN by Patricia Kay
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