Lo pursed her lips as he rifled through more dresses. “Oh!” she cried, pulling one off the rack.
“What?”
“Here,” she handed Cass a gorgeous, black dress with ruched details along her hips and a plunging neckline. This wouldn’t just show off her legs, it would show off everything important while camouflaging everything that needed hiding. It was sexy as hell, but in that understated, elegant way. “If you don’t try that on, I’ll never forgive you.”
Could she wear something like this?
“Cass, are you okay?” Lo asked, putting her hand on Cass’ arm.
Cass looked up at her, realizing tears were wetting her cheeks. She rubbed them away, making sure she didn’t get a drop on the luxurious fabric of the dress. She didn’t think that fabric would take well to salty tears.
“I’m okay. This just-“ What would she say? That the dress reminded her what a failure she was at being a modern woman? That it reminded her of what a slut she was, how much baggage she was for a man. That it reminded her of Maddox and all that he would be giving up for her.
Pity, party of 1.
“Girl, someday, some guy is going to sweep you off your feet. He’s going to make you forget all your bullshit, and he’s going to prove to you that you’re worth it. And you’re going to be wearing this dress when he does, because damn, if he doesn’t worship you as soon as he sees you in it…he’s a fool.”
Cass couldn’t help the gurgled laugh. If anyone could make her feel worth it, it was Lo. She never wavered in her love for Cass. She had far more faith in her than she had in herself.
“Cass-“ Lo stopped, her face getting serious. “What happened last night?”
She jumped back.
“What’re you talking about?” Cass tensed, pulling aside the hangers on the rack a little too hard.
“That, girl. That look. What did he do?” Lo’s face burned.
Cass froze, her knuckles white as she grabbed the closest hanger.
“Lo, please…” Cass whispered. Lo pried her hand off the dress hanger.
“Let’s go,” Lo pulled her to the checkout. They said nothing as they bought their dresses and drove to Cass’ apartment.
While Cass hung up her new dress, Lo brewed some tea.
* * *
When they were finally seated with hot tea in hand, Lo broke the silence. “Talk.”
“Lo,” Cass choked. This was exactly what she hadn’t wanted to do. She should never have agreed to go shopping. It was too new. Too raw. She hadn’t even wrapped her own head around it, and now she was being asked to explain it.
“Did he make a move on you?” Lo practically whispered, contempt woven through the question.
Cass knew what Lo thought of Maddox. She hadn’t made it a secret that she frowned on how Maddox treated her. They were too close, too affectionate, and it left her open to heartache. Lo thought Maddox took advantage of Cass’ little crush and preyed up on her anxieties.
Cass shook her head. He hadn’t. She was sure Maddox hadn’t sought out to hurt her, nor had he planned on taking her to bed last night. Things had started off just as usual.
Lo’s eyes widened. “Did you make a move on him?”
Cass paled. “Are you kidding?”
“Well, it’s not out of the realm of possibility,” Lo defended. “Honey, just tell me what happened. Please.”
Cass took a deep breath and let it all out. She told Lo how she’d gone over for movie night, like she’d done almost every Friday since Maddox had come home. She explained how his touching her had made her feel, and how she’d told him to stop, admitting to him for the first time what touch actually meant to her and what she wanted in a man. She left out Maddox’s own admission. She wasn’t sure that was hers to share.
Then she told Lo how everything changed. How his kiss was insistent, that he gave her everything she’d wanted. That it was the best sex she’d ever had and why she couldn’t have it ever again.
“You had mind-blowing sex. With Maddox,” she repeated back to Cass.
“Yes.”
“And he’s on his way over here in a couple of hours to take you to some nice dinner?”
“Yes.”
“Fuck,” Lo set down her mug.
“What do you want?” Lo took her hands.
“I don’t know.” Cass shook her head, honest in her answer.
“If you could have anything you wanted out of this, honey. Anything. What would you want?”
Cass looked at Lo, worry apparent in her friend’s brown eyes, but she wasn’t sure she could answer her. What did she want? Cass had only thought of what she couldn’t have. She’d rather not think of what she wanted, because she was sure she’d never, ever get it.
Silence just sat between them.
“You know you can say it,” Lo pulled her into a hug. “It’s okay to want things. It’s okay to not get what we want just as much as it’s okay to get it. But we’ll never get our hearts’ desires if we don’t admit what they are. Tell me. What do you want?”
Tears streamed down Cass’ face. She was so tired of crying. The best sex of a person’s life wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be happy.
“I want forever,” Cass whispered in between sobs, breaking the dam that was holding everything back. “I want him to want me for me. Just me. I want to feel how I do when I’m with him every day of my life. I want this anxiety, this worry that I’m not good enough to go away and know that I’m safe with him. I want to feel like I’m his world, like he can’t live without me. I want what I had before movie night yesterday, but I want it when I wake up. I want to see his smiling face, feel his lips on mine, relax in the heat of his body. I want to be able to love him freely and not have to hide a thing.”
Lo pulled her closer. “I want all that for you, too.”
Cass just let her friend hold her, allowing the tears to dry up on their own. She pushed away as she started to cough, needing the honey in her tea to soothe her sore throat.
“Please don’t be mad,” Cass pleaded, looking over the top of her mug.
Lo laughed. “I can’t say I’m not angry, but not at you.”
“I could’ve walked away. I let it happen, and it’s up to me to put an end to it. Even if it means losing him.”
Lo’s laughter died, and she made Cass look her in the eye. “You’ll do no such thing!”
“Lo! I have to. This is Maddox. He was married to gorgeous. Every woman he dates oozes hot sex. They’re beautiful. He’s not looking for commitment to a mousy, anxiety riddled, average woman. Hell, he’s not looking for commitment, no matter how much he says otherwise.”
“I’m going to kill you right now. You are not mousy. You’re gorgeous. You’re curvy, and look at those things,” she waved her hand over Cass’ chest. “Hell if every woman in the office doesn’t stare at them in envy. Anxiety riddled? Yes, but only over this shit, and I really think—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—Maddox may be the guy to make that go away.”
Cass shook her head. “It was only a pity fuck, Lo. Let’s keep our perspective.”
“You really are an idiot, you know.”
“Bitch!” Cass half-joked.
“Well, yes. But listen to me, dumbass. You and Maddox, well, you two have something most couples could never have. We all see the chemistry between the two of you. Why do you think I’m so hard on him? I know you feel it, and I know what it does to you. But I also know he feels it, too, which is what had me worried, because he’s so fucking blind to it. You don’t even notice how he leans into you, how he seeks you out in a room. You can’t see how he relaxes the moment you touch him, and how the banter between you two is so easy. It’s so much more than friendship, and you two idiots were just the last to know.”
“But, Lo, he’s not-“
“Of course he is. Maybe it took until now for him to realize it. Maybe it took you finally opening up and being vulnerable for him to get it. It’s about damn time you did that,
too. We all joke about you being Frigid Bitch Queen, but it’s only because you’re always so strong ALL THE DAMN TIME. It’s about time someone got through to you, and I’m not sure anyone else but Maddox could.”
“I’m a mess, aren’t I?” Cass laughed, pulling away from Lo’s embrace.
“You always were,” Lo laughed with her.
“No one wants a mess.”
“Oh, girl. You’d be surprised how many men love to clean up disasters.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be a disaster.”
“Well, you should’ve thought about that earlier. Like when you were born.”
“Shut up.”
“You know I love you.”
“And I love you, too.”
“So, if you’re going to make that man crawl on his hands and knees, and you will, let’s get you into that dress.”
Cass laughed, and then stopped. Shit. She had to see him. In an hour. Shit.
“Deep breath, Cass. That dress will do all the talking for you. Promise.”
14
Cass
She’d been expecting it, but the doorbell still made her jump. Lo had only been gone 15 minutes, and since then Cass had busied herself by wearing a path in the area rug with all her pacing back and forth.
What was she doing?
Her hand shook as she opened the door to a pair of startling blue eyes.
“Hi,” his deep voice resonated under her skin.
“Hi,” she blushed, unable to handle his gaze.
“May I come in?” His lips curved into a gentle smile.
Shit. “Of course,” she pulled the door open wider and motioned for him to step inside.
“These are for you.” He handed her a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. Gerbera daisies. Her favorite.
“I’ll, um, go put these in water,” she smiled. “Thank you,” she remembered her manners as she went into the kitchen to hunt down a vase. As she arranged the flowers in the glass container, she watched Maddox take in the room. She’d never had Maddox over, and he seemed such a large presence in her small apartment.
“This your family?” Maddox asked, pointing to a framed photo on the fireplace.
“Yeah, my parents, grandparents, and younger sister,” she set the flowers on the coffee table. “We took it at my grandparents’ cabin a few years ago, before my grandfather passed away.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, coming to stand next to her. She could feel the heat coming off of him, so she sidestepped him to find her shoes.
“No need. It was a few years ago, and he lived a long and wonderful life,” she reached down to grab her sandals.
“Where are we going?” she asked, trying to swim through the thick awkwardness in the room. His eyes followed her movement as she fixed the strap across her ankle. When she struggled with the second buckle, he knelt down next to her.
“Marceaux,” he breathed, his fingers brushing her leg as he fastened the strap for her. Cass’ body smoldered at the touch.
“Well,” she tried to catch her breath, “We should probably go.”
“Mmm, we have a few minutes,” he told her, his hand massaging her leg as his lips met hers. Cass couldn’t hold back the moan. Oh, God, she wanted him. His kisses just set her on fire. She opened her mouth and his tongue stroked hers. She reached around and snaked her fingers through his hair.
“Maddox,” she whispered as his lips found the side of her neck, causing her body to arch into him. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.
“Mmm, yeah. Dinner,” he grumbled as he pulled away. “Come on,” he sighed, helping her up.
* * *
Cass’ hands shook as she grabbed her purse, and she focused her attention on not letting her legs turn completely to jelly. She grabbed her keys, and knowing she’d never get them in the lock, she preset the lock from the inside and closed the door.
“So, Marceaux?” she asked, trying hard to be normal.
“Well, I know how you love steak, and the restaurant is pretty well renowned for their surf and turf.” He opened the door and let her in.
“Well, as long as we get there alive, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it,” she teased.
“Are you saying something is wrong with my driving, Cassidy Moore? I’m insulted.”
“Not at all. Just telling you I value my life, and I’m putting it in your hands right now. I’m not sure if I’m just woefully hungry or terribly stupid.”
“Both,” he grinned, starting up the car. “But I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Not now. Not ever,” he said, and Cass knew he wasn’t just talking about his ridiculously bad driving. She pushed the lump in her throat back and turned her eyes toward the road, though she wasn’t sure that was such a good idea, either.
Her heart was in her stomach by the time they made it to the restaurant, and she was still shaky when Maddox handed over his keys to the valet—at least this time it wasn’t because he kissed her. She was just grateful to have survived.
All relief faded, though, when he placed his hand on her back and led her through the doors to the restaurant.
Marceaux was the definition of simple elegance. The restaurant was defined by two things: mouth watering food and privacy for the patrons. There was no seeing other people eating. There was just you and the food. It wasn’t like those “eat in the dark” places, though. Instead there were circular, tufted booths whose backs were so tall you didn’t see anyone but the server.
Yet Cass was missing most of the decor, because all she could concentrate on was Maddox’s touch and the fact that this was the perfect place for him to let her down easy. Even if she started to cry, no one would see her. Unless she started screaming, which he knew she wouldn’t, no one would hear. He’d tell her that he wasn’t ready for commitment and they were better off as friends. Maybe friends with benefits, considering the kiss before they’d left, but still. There was no way he’d want more, at least not with her.
She scooted into the booth, careful to make sure the determined-to-ride-up-on-her dress covered her bits and pieces. Maddox scooted in next to her and whispered in her ear, “I told you I wanted to see leg,” and pulled her hands away from her belligerent hemline. Her sex pulsed at the whisper, and she internally told herself off. Stupid hormones.
“The special tonight is a rare Japanese Wagyu with a tosa joyu sauce paired with a Moonstruck Vines Shiraz,” the waiter explained as he set the menus in front of them.
“We’ll start with a bottle of the Shiraz and your fried mac and cheese,” Maddox told him, never taking his eyes off of Cass. She shifted, uncomfortable with the intense attention.
The waiter nodded and walked away.
“Fried mac and cheese?” Cass asked, her voice a little shaky as Maddox kept stroking her leg.
“Mmmm, yeah. Comfort food. It’s a specialty here.”
“You take women here a lot?”
He stopped stroking her leg. “No, Cass. I don’t,” his voice turned cold.
“Mad-“
“Cass, before the waiter comes back, listen to me. I’m not here out of routine. I’m not taking you down the same path as every other woman I’ve dated. I won’t do that to you. I don’t want to do that to either of us. I-“
The waiter’s arrival interrupted whatever it was that Maddox was going to say next, and he squeezed her leg before going through the motions of swirling, sniffing, and sipping the wine before the waiter would pour. It gave Cass a moment to get her head together.
She had to give Maddox a break. She was pushing him, asking about other women, but it was a habit she’d developed ages ago when she realized she had a little crush on him. Asking about his dates, his girlfriends, or any woman really, served to remind her that he couldn’t be his. It kept their relationship firmly placed in the “just friends” category.
Even if he was going to break her heart tonight, it was still Maddox, and she didn’t want to let him go. As much as she knew their relationship would never be the same, maybe they could p
reserve something. Anything. Anything would be better than nothing, right?
She glanced over at the man sitting next to her, and he smiled. Oh, he was glorious. The light of the candle was a flickering reflection in his eyes, he licked his full lips, and she placed her hand on top of his strong fingers.
No, anything wasn’t better than nothing. Her heart sank. She couldn’t go back to denying herself anymore. She’d had a taste, and she wanted more.
“We’ll have the center cut filet surf and turf with the king crab, not the lobster. Medium rare for us both. And a side of green beans,” Maddox ordered, and the waiter once again disappeared from view.
“What if I didn’t want surf and turf?” she asked, falling back into her teasing mode without thinking. It felt good, comfortable.
“Since when do you deny yourself surf and turf?” he lifted an eyebrow.
She pursed her lips. “Never. But still-“
“Don’t do that,” he leaned forward, and Cass could smell the wine on his breath. His lips brushed hers, and he pulled her in close. “Too kissable,” he whispered before taking her mouth.
“Maddox,” she pushed him away after several minutes of losing herself in his kisses.
“Cass, please,” he stopped stroking her leg and just held her hand. “I want this. I want what’s between us now. I was an idiot for so long. But I want this. I want you.”
She looked him in the eyes, his pleading blue eyes.
She should be crying by now, but the sheer honesty in his admission stunned her into silence.
“Say something,” he whispered, and Cass noticed how his confidence wavered. His shoulders sunk a little, and he bit his lip.
“I-,” she stumbled. What did you say to something like this? He didn’t say he loved her. Hell, if he wanted to scare her off, that was what he should have said. But he wanted this. Was it just for now? Could she handle that?
She placed her hand on his face, so smooth and well-shaved. There was no shaking, no worry. She was sure. “I want this, too.”
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