To the Sea

  ‘To Zoe,’ said John.

  Everyone raised their drinks high. ‘To Zoe.’

  From out on the side verandah came an echo, ‘To Zoe.’ Josh, Jess and the other littler kids raised their cans of drink to the adults through the open French doors. Everyone was frozen with their arms raised and Zoe’s name on their lips.

  ‘I wish she was here.’ Sadie’s quiet voice.

  ‘If Zoe was still alive,’ replied Edie, ‘do you think she’d be in here with us now drinking a mojito?’

  No one answered. The kids could still be heard out on the side verandah but they weren’t noisy. The coming storm had sucked the noise out of the world. It was a vacuum of water and sky out there beyond the open doors. Tony kept his eyes on the landscape, not wanting to look too closely at any of the people in the room.

  ‘I can’t ever remember Zoe sitting around with us like this,’ said Carl eventually.

  ‘Zoe was so much younger,’ said John. ‘She probably preferred to be with the others.’

  ‘I don’t know that she was always with them either,’ said Sadie. ‘Truth is, I don’t know where Zoe would be now or where she spent most of her time.’

  Tony couldn’t imagine Zoe sitting here with all her family. He could feel Zoe and see her in the house, and outside on the lawn and on the shore, but whenever he saw her, she was alone. A bright shadow drifting across the noisy bustle of her family. They hadn’t seen her when she was here and now they were trying to conjure her into the room and the hot evening from their vague, unreliable memories of her. They couldn’t even remember the raw material from which to work their amateurish conjuring.

  ‘And would she like a mojito?’ asked Edie.

  ‘I can’t see her drinking a beer,’ said Carl, ‘but that’s not saying much.’

  ‘Maybe she preferred champagne,’ said Edie. ‘I know I did at that age.’

  ‘Did Zoe like hummus?’ asked Cecile, holding a stick of celery with hummus on it up to the others.

  ‘Yes, she did,’ said John quietly.

  ‘Good to know,’ said Cecile. She put the celery and hummus down on the tray untouched.

  ‘Did she like to dance? Could she sing? Who was her favourite composer?’ Cecile again and there was a rising shrillness in her voice. ‘If she was here now, there are a lot of things I would like to ask my baby sister. A bit late though.’

  Tony heard a movement behind him. It was Matt. The little kids had come up from the beach and Matt had come to join the adults in the lounge room. He walked over to the low table and sat down next to Tony on a low ottoman.

  ‘Let’s test the “others” theory, shall we?’ asked Cecile. ‘Matt, did Zoe like to dance?’

  Everyone looked at Matt. Tony wondered whether he was used to spending time with his aunts and uncles like this or if this was a new experience for him. If it was new, he’d picked a tough night to start.

  ‘I’m not really sure,’ replied Matt. ‘I’ve never been dancing with her but she was a girl so I’m guessing yes. I’ve seen her out a few times but not often. And never at a club.’

  ‘Zoe loved to dance,’ said John. ‘I don’t think she’d ever been to a nightclub but I know she loved dancing.’

  ‘So where did she dance?’ asked Cecile.

  ‘I am not really sure,’ replied John.

  ‘Anyone here ever seen Zoe dance?’

  ‘Cecile, calm down,’ said Edie.

  ‘I am calm,’ replied Cecile. She took another large swig of her drink. ‘How on earth do you know Zoe loved to dance, Dad?’

  ‘I will not argue with you, Cecile,’ replied John in a tired voice. ‘I will especially not argue with you about Zoe.’

  ‘I don’t want to argue either, Dad. I just want to know something about my little sister who is dead and who I will now never get to know.’

  ‘No offence, Cecile,’ said Matt, looking directly at his aunt, ‘but you’re a bit late aren’t you? You had a lot of years to get to know Zoe.’

  Cecile looked back at Matt.

  ‘Yes, Matt. It is too late. Maybe you can tell us about Zoe. You spent more time with her than all of us put together. Why didn’t she ever talk to us? She never once visited me in Sydney.’

  ‘Did you ever invite her?’ said Matt.

  ‘I can’t remember,’ said Cecile, sounding beaten. ‘I’m sure I must have but I can’t remember. She was my sister, she didn’t have to wait for an invitation. We all just turn up on each other. No one ever asks.’

  Matt scoffed audibly. Any of them would have been stunned if they had opened their front doors and found Zoe standing there, come for a visit, Tony suspected. Zoe was not part of that family.

  ‘Look, I’m not claiming any high moral ground here,’ said Matt. ‘I didn’t spend a lot of time with Zoe either but I knew her better than any of you. Zoe didn’t get you guys.’ The uncensored talk was getting raw now. ‘You four are so close. And Max. And Con. Zoe didn’t fit in. She thought that you guys didn’t like her very much so she used to make herself scarce when you were together. And, let’s be honest, none of you noticed or cared. She used to swim out to Table Rock mostly and just sit there and watch you all here at Rosetta without her.’

  Matt seemed genuinely unaware of the shocking image he had just created.

  ‘Oh God.’ Edie reached out for Con’s hand.

  ‘I saw her out there so many times and just waved to her. Jesus Christ,’ said Carl, looking at the floor.

  Tony kept his eyes fixed outside. On Table Rock, empty now.

  ‘Please Carl, Edie,’ said John, ‘don’t torment yourselves with this. Zoe knew you all loved her.’

  ‘No, she didn’t, Dad,’ said Carl. His voice was thick. ‘Matt’s right. I never made much of an effort to get to know Zoe and be her brother. No wonder she didn’t think we had any time for her. We didn’t.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Sadie. ‘We didn’t and I don’t know why. I would give anything to get to know her now and let her know that I loved her.’

  ‘Did she have a boyfriend, Matt? Someone special?’ asked Edie.

  Matt looked over at his grandfather. It was too late for censorship. They wanted to talk about Zoe. They wanted to know her.

  ‘Yeah. They broke up a little while ago but she was happy while they were together. And he was stoked in her. Still is, according to his brother. It was Zoe who ended it. He must be having a real hard time right now.’

  Cecile looked over at Tony. She didn’t exactly smile at him but her face softened. Tony felt his own face soften in response.

  ‘Do I know the boy?’ asked John.

  ‘Yeah. Charlie Morgan. A Hutchins boy. His older brother, Chris, is at uni with me.’

  ‘Yes, I know Charlie,’ said John, nodding his head. ‘A very nice boy. He and Zoe have known each other for years.’ John paused, looking into his now empty glass. ‘I wonder why Zoe didn’t tell us. Her mother and I wouldn’t have objected. Not to Charlie. We would’ve been delighted.’ He looked up at Matt as if hoping he could provide more answers.

  Matt looked nervous but seemed to have decided to talk freely.

  ‘She wasn’t worried about you, Granddad, but she thought Grandma would give her a hard time. Zoe only talked to me about it a bit but I agreed with her. Grandma worried about Zoe even when there was nothing to worry about. Zoe didn’t want her freaking out. She wasn’t sure Grandma would understand what a boyfriend was. Grandma met you when she was eighteen and you guys were married like in no time. Zoe and Charlie weren’t planning on getting married and Zoe didn’t think Grandma would get it. I don’t think Zoe liked keeping Charlie a secret from you guys but that’s just how it panned out.’

  John nodded. ‘She may have been right. Zoe was a clever girl and she knew her mother well.’

  ‘One of us should probably call Charlie and let him know what’s happening,’ said Matt. ‘He deserves it. I can do it if you like.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ said Tony. The rest of them looked at him. ‘I know
Charlie. I interviewed him and I promised him I would keep him informed.’

  ‘Does she have any other close friends we should get in touch with?’ asked Edie.

  Matt shrugged.

  ‘I should probably contact Arna,’ said John. ‘Zoe’s competition sailing partner,’ he added.

  No one said any more.

  ‘So, a competition sailing partner and an ex-boyfriend?’ said Cecile after a long silence. ‘That’s not much for a young girl.’ She sounded close to tears.

  ‘I’m sure she had other friends,’ said Sadie.

  ‘Yeah?’ pushed Cecile. ‘Who are these friends you’re so sure of?’

  Sadie did not respond.

  ‘How did we lose Zoe?’ asked Carl.

  ‘Please, I beg you,’ interrupted John, ‘don’t talk like this. None of this is your fault. Any of you.’

  ‘Then whose fault is it, Dad?’ asked Cecile. ‘How can Zoe disappear from us like this and drown? How can we not know if she liked to dance or sing or who her friends were or that she was the captain of the school water polo team? How could she have a boyfriend called Charlie and none of us know any of it? I won’t speak for anyone else but I know my own fault in all this. And living in Sydney is no excuse at all.’

  Con looked over at Tony. Neither man felt they could say anything.

  Cecile stood up and poured more mojitos into everyone’s empty glasses. Con went to the kitchen and came back with more beers.

  ‘I just can’t believe Zoe drowned,’ said Matt. ‘On such a calm day. In Driving Sound. I keep thinking maybe she just snuck off with one of her friends and went to Falls or something and is going to come back down the track apologising for worrying us all.’

  ‘Could that happen, Tony?’ asked Con.

  ‘Not likely. If she snuck away, she left absolutely no trace. And that’s very hard to do, and to stay missing is even harder. Especially on a small island, and Zoe being such a distinctive-looking girl. The general public may not know she’s missing but every cop and airport and port official in Tassie does, and they keep a very keen eye out for missing kids.’

  ‘But it’s not impossible?’ asked Edie.

  ‘No, not impossible,’ replied Tony.

  ‘Maybe we should talk to the press,’ said Matt, ‘give them photos of Zoe and do a media interview begging her to come back or at least contact us and let us know she is OK. That’s what other families do.’

  ‘Does that ever work?’ asked Sadie, looking at Tony.

  He wanted to give them hope but he wanted to be honest more.

  ‘No. I’m confident that Zoe is not somewhere where she’s free to come home and that she can be persuaded to do that by seeing you on TV. Do you think she is somewhere she can come home from?’

  ‘No,’ replied Sadie and Edie in unison.

  ‘Where do you think she is?’ asked Cecile. Genuinely asking Tony the question she had not asked for the past five days.

  ‘I think she went into the water and, sadly, she drowned.’

  It was the right thing to say and it’s what his final report would say, but he found he didn’t completely believe his own words. He thought about Zoe a thousand times a day and in his thoughts, she was always alive.‘I think so too,’ said John.

  ‘So do I,’ said Cecile sadly.

  ‘Does Mum still think Zoe is coming back?’ asked Carl.

  ‘Yes,’ said John.

  ‘But you don’t, Tony?’ asked Carl.

  Tony should have gone hours ago. He should not be here drinking beer. He should not be saying these things.

  ‘The coroner will declare her “missing, presumed drowned” but it’s possible she’s still alive somewhere.’

  ‘Then why did you call off the search?’ asked Matt. ‘If she could still be alive, shouldn’t we keep looking?’

  ‘Looking where?’ asked Tony. ‘We have conducted an extremely thorough search. I’m saying it’s possible she’s still alive because we haven’t found her. It’s possible but highly unlikely.’

  ‘Dad,’ said Cecile, sounding nervous, ‘tell us what Mum thinks. If Mum thinks Zoe is alive, where does she think she is? If she thinks Zoe is somewhere we can find her, I want to hear it. I will go anywhere, do anything, believe anything to find her. But if it’s just Mum and her stories, I want her to stop. It’s downright cruel to the rest of us.’

  John didn’t reply. Tony knew John couldn’t say anything to satisfy his children.

  ‘Your mother thinks Zoe will be back,’ he eventually said. ‘Beyond that, I don’t know what she thinks.’

  ‘Yes, you do,’ said Cecile, not giving up.

  Tony watched the others. Carl and Sadie were looking at the floor. Edie had closed her eyes. Tony couldn’t read her. Cecile was angry.

  ‘Did Zoe know what Mum thinks? Or was she abandoned by all of us?’ Cecile was going for everything tonight.

  ‘How can Zoe come back from the water?’ asked Matt, looking at his grandfather. ‘Is that what Grandma is saying?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied Cecile. She wasn’t going soft on her father. ‘That’s exactly what your grandmother is saying. Zoe’s been in the water for six days where no one can find her and she chooses not to come back but she will. One day. Some time. That’s right, isn’t it, Dad?’

  John looked at Cecile but he said nothing.

  ‘Granddad?’

  ‘I can’t speak for your grandmother, Matt,’ replied John. He was cornered but he still tried to do right by everyone. ‘Perhaps she just can’t accept that Zoe is gone. I’m not going to harass her at this time to explain herself.’

  ‘Who could harass Mum at any time?’ said Cecile.

  Carl reached over and rubbed Cecile’s arm. She let him.

  ‘This is crazy,’ said Matt. ‘I know Zoe is a fantastic swimmer and knows these waters but how can Grandma possibly believe Zoe can survive for six days in the ocean? Has anyone called a doctor to check Grandma out?’

  Tony could hear an edge of fear in Matt’s voice.

  John lowered his head and closed his eyes. Sadie reached out and hugged him.

  ‘Matt’s right,’ Sadie said. ‘Mum’s in shock. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow. I should’ve called him days ago.’

  ‘Sadie,’ said Cecile, ‘Dad is a doctor. I’m a doctor, and I know what shock looks like and –’

  ‘You’re also a mother,’ interrupted Sadie sharply.

  ‘Your mum’s right, Matt,’ Cecile said. ‘Grandma has lost her baby daughter. She’s clutching at straws.’

  They all sat for moments in silence. Matt wasn’t a child but the adults had stopped the conversation and relegated him to childishness. It smarted. He stood up and went back out onto the verandah. As the youngest in his own family, Tony knew how Matt felt. Not for the first time since this investigation started, he could feel Zoe’s complete isolation in her own family. They may love her, but it was an abstract, older love for the charming child. Nothing to do with Zoe. Did they also wait for her to leave the room before talking about what was on their minds? Edit their conversations to leave out the real bits when Zoe was within earshot?

  Con went out and joined Matt on the verandah. Tony saw him put his arm around the younger man’s shoulders and start talking.

  ‘Just tell us, Dad,’ persisted Cecile, ‘does Mum seriously believe, in her rational thinking mind, that Zoe is still alive? And if she does, why won’t she tell us why she believes that? We’ve been asking her these things our whole lives. Why won’t she answer us? God, if not now, then when?’

  The room was getting dark. The clouds of the storm had finally appeared along the horizon, stacked storeys high in a black rolling mass. There was no wind and it was still thickly hot but the storm was now visible and would soon be upon them.

  Before John could answer Cecile, a few of the little kids wandered into the room. They were hungry. The snacks had not been enough. Tony looked at his watch. Eight-forty. Josh and Jess followed the younger ones in. They had packed up on th
e verandah and closed the French doors. They could see the storm too.

  Cecile and Sadie stood up, promising the kids their dinner.

  Tony stood up too. ‘I really must be leaving. I’m sorry to have missed Mrs Kennett. Please make my apologies.’

  ‘Let’s go and see if she’s awake,’ said John, standing up and leading Tony over to the staircase. ‘She needs to come down for dinner anyway.’

  Carl smiled at Tony. Tony followed John upstairs to the front bedroom. Eva was sitting in the deep windowsill watching the storm move down the channel.

  ‘So you are awake?’ said John. ‘Tony is leaving and I know you wanted to say goodbye. I’ll leave you to it.’

  Tony sat in the darkening room in an old cane chair facing Eva. She didn’t speak for a long time and, like her, Tony was drawn in by the rolling black clouds moving swiftly towards them. Flashes of lightning lit up the storm clouds in increasing frequency.

  ‘Have you given up, Detective?’ asked Eva without looking at him.

  ‘I’ve called off the search.’

  ‘But you, Detective. Have you given up?’

  Tony didn’t know how to answer.

  ‘I know Zoe is alive,’ Eva said. ‘I can’t bring her home, but I think you can.’

  ‘How would I do that, Mrs Kennett?’

  The only sound was a faint rumble of thunder coming to them from the black mass of clouds getting closer with each minute.

  Tony knew she couldn’t help him. He was on his own. Just like Zoe. He didn’t know Zoe but he missed her. In that quiet moment, his heart cracked with missing her.

  The room was getting darker as the sky outside blackened. There would be no twilight tonight. The storm clouds had obliterated the sun and the sky. The only light came from the white flares of lightning getting brighter as they sped closer. Thunder was rumbling. The water was calm, the wind had not picked up. The air pressure was dropping, compacting Tony’s bones deep inside his skin.

  Eva Kennett continued looking out the window. He had lost her. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye. She wasn’t aware of him anymore.

  He left the room and went back down to the living room. From the dining room there was the familiar noise of a big family with lots of kids waiting for dinner. Tony walked into the kitchen where Sadie was slicing bread and Con was tossing a huge salad.