by K. S. Thomas
While I wait for him to get back, I busy myself with cleaning up my work space. I haven’t done much other than knead clay non-stop since I got here, but I’ve still made a sufficient mess all the same.
The store door jingles and I look up, expecting a customer.
“Hey.” Gun’s standing in front of me. He seems taller somehow. Darker. I can suddenly see why everyone always finds him so intimidating. He is.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, torn between wanting to rush up and hug him tight and running in the back to hide.
“You’re moving,” he says, matter of fact.
“How do you –“ then it dawns on me before I finish the question. “Reed called your office.” I should have known. If Reed googled real estate companies in the area, Gun’s would have popped up in the top spot.
“Yep.” He nods grimly. “I’ve got Hil on it.”
Hilary. I hate her. I don’t have a good reason, but she’s always rubbed me the wrong way. And Gun knows that. “Gee, thanks.”
“Don’t give me that,” he sneers. “She’s the best I’ve got, hell, she’s the best in the county, so you take your snotty attitude and shove it. I’m doing you a favor, not going out of my way to annoy you, which would be supremely petty by the way, and not my style.”
“I don’t need your favors,” I huff. I’m definitely over the initial hug idea. “And as soon as I tell Reed he’s doing business with you, I won’t be able to accept them anyway. There’s no way he’s going to use one of your realtors.” Not when the whole point of moving is to put distance between us and past relationships.
Gun snorts, a twisted smirk of amusement at my expense moving over his mouth. “It’s really going to be like this, huh?”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. “You asked for it. You said it had to be this way.”
His face turns stern, cold even. “Fine.” His eyes bore into me and I can’t bear to think what they see. What they’re looking for. His jaw grinds back and forth, and I know he’s carefully choosing his words before he says them. I brace myself. Gun hits hard when he wants to.
But then...
He turns.
He walks.
He disappears.
And the silence left in his wake overwhelms me. Takes me down. Leaves me breathless and sobbing until I’m sure I’m shattered from the inside out. It finally happened. We broke. And the half of us that is left with me, is floundering.
My thoughts stagger inside my head, unable to complete themselves. Incapable of finding their own path. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.
I refuse to be this way.
I refuse to be that girl.
I’m not her.
I’ve never been her.
I don’t need rescuing. I’ve never needed rescuing. Not in the bleakest, darkest moments of my life have I ever needed rescuing. I was okay. On my own. I was okay with the bleakness. The darkness.
Until Gun.
Until Gun came along, pulling me out into the fucking light.
I didn’t need it.
I still don’t need it.
I’m still okay in the darkness.
And it’s not so dark anymore.
I have Reed.
He practically radiates, touching everything in sight with his warmth and golden glow.
Reed is all the light a girl could ever want.
But I don’t need it.
I can live in the dark.
I can live anywhere.
Breath fills my lungs as I wipe the fallen tears from my hot face. I close my eyes, letting everything go black around me. And then. I stand. On my own. Not broken in half. Not part of a whole. But complete. By myself.
Chapter Fourteen
Gun
7 Years Earlier
“You’re some kind of stupid, you know that?” Ed shakes his head at me the second I walk into the visiting room. “Why in the hell are you refusing bail? You like it in here that much? The food that good? The dress code really suit your style? What?!”
I have half a mind to turn around and request to be led back to my cell. “You really drive six hours just to give me shit about this?”
He glowers at me. “Man, I would have driven ten times that if I thought I had half a chance at talking some sense into you.”
I clench my teeth, biting down so hard my jaw sends a piercing pain all the way up to my temples. Sense isn’t what I’m lacking. It’s fucking options.
He scoffs. “Don’t give me your bullshit glaring and scary silent treatment, that crap doesn’t work on me.” He waves his hand, dismissing me and every right I have to be pissed off in one small gesture.
“It must be so nice, Ed. Always on the outside looking in. Having all the answers without any of the problems. Life must be so simple for someone so wise and carefree.” My flair for dramatic sarcasm isn’t received well.
Ed is in my face, both palms shoved into my chest until I hit the wall behind me. None of the guards even bat an eyelash. That’s how fucking popular I am around here. “I’m going to forgive you for saying that,” he hisses. “I’m going to forgive you, because I know you don’t mean it. Because I know, that you know better. Because you’re my friend, hell, you’re more – you’re my brother. And you’re in trouble. And you need to be an ass to someone. And if that someone needs to be me, then I can accept that. And I forgive you.” He releases me, slowly inching backwards. “But do not try it a second time,” he warns, just before he turns away from me.
“Sorry,” I mumble, stumbling my way across the back of the larger visiting room to one of the chairs around the corner table. Suddenly the mere act of standing is daunting. I haven’t slept in days and I’m fucking exhausted. The food sucks and my new roommates are about as likely to have my back as they are to shank me in it. But none of that is anything compared to the non-stop train of thoughts my brain keeps recycling over and over again. Starting with a little girl in a closet and ending with the woman she grew up to be. In love with someone else. And better off without me. It’s right around this point where I realize I have no place in my own thoughts. They’re all about her. Which is why I’m here. Stuck. Because I never made room for myself to be anywhere else. So I start back in the beginning and go round and round, unable to move beyond the place in time I ceased to exist in her life.
“Don’t apologize to me until it’s my turn. You got a list of people to say sorry to way before you get to me,” Ed grumbles, dropping into the chair across from me.
“Anyone know you’re here?” I ask, hoping he understands what I really want to know.
“You really think I’d have shown up here alone if she knew?” Alright. He understood.
“Fine, you’re right. Look, my life is pretty much tied up for the foreseeable future, so while you are wasting your time driving back and forth and going through the tedious steps to get in here and visit me, I’m not losing anything but quality time spent staring at the bottom of the mattress lying on the bunk above me. And since we both know I don’t give a shit about me today, let’s do what’s in your best interest and get this visit done and over with.”
Ed taps his fingers on the table between us, just in case his scowl isn’t properly conveying his levels of frustration this afternoon. “All I’ve got to look forward to right now is six hours in my car and having to face your girl when I get home, so no, I’m in no hurry.”
I growl under my breath. He’s really going out of his way to push my buttons. “Can we not call her my girl? She’s Reed’s girl. And you’ll do us both a favor if you steer clear of her from now on.”
Ed slams his hand down on the table. “Cut the bullshit, Gun. It doesn’t suit you. And frankly, it’s pissing me off.”
I fold my arms over my chest. If he doesn’t like what I have to say, I’ll just keep my fucking mouth shut and he can do all the talking. Seems like he’d prefer that anyway.
“I’m going to assume this act of giving me the silent treatment means the lis
tening portion of my visit has finally started,” he pauses to shift into a more comfortable position. Always a bad sign when someone is about to lecture you. “You committed a crime. A whopper of a crime. And you, my brother, have a long ass record of previous crimes you’ve committed from the time you were eleven. So, I understand why you think there’s no hope. I understand why you believe this is it. And given the fact that I know you don’t regret what you did, I also understand that you feel like you deserve this.” Ed has a knack for speaking. He should be on a stage or something. No, in a church facing his congregation. He’s got that wisdom and guidance thing just flowing out of him. Too bad I’m too far gone to reap the benefits of his words.
“All I’m hearing is how I’m right and you know it.”
“That’s because you’re not done listening yet,” he clips, straightening out his shoulders. Guess we’re getting to the really deep shit now. “Just because I understand how your messed up head works, doesn’t mean I think it’s right. Doesn’t mean, you should give up. Just roll over and fucking take the hits. Come on, man. You’re the guy we all look up to. You’re the guy who doesn’t get broke by the system. You work it. You manipulate it. And when you have to, you fucking fight it. Why the hell can’t you do that now?”
My shoulders sag, reminding me just how defeated I feel. “Maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe, I’m fucking tired of fighting the inevitable. Maybe, I don’t care as much as you think I do. And maybe, I did what I set out to do and now I’m done.”
“Done,” he repeats the word, clearly struggling to grasp its meaning. “What exactly are you done with? Your life?”
I shrug. “You’re kidding yourself if you thought this would ever end any differently, Ed. I never had anywhere else to go but here. Was I hoping to have more time? Sure. But am I surprised I didn’t? Not one fucking bit.”
He rakes his hands over his face, making a loud hissing sound as he pushes air out through his teeth, probably to keep from saying some really mean shit he can’t take back. I could handle it, but he’s not like that. He’s a hell of a lot kinder than I am.
When he’s done having his silent tantrum, he stretches his legs out under the table, leans back, arms crossed same as me.
“She’s getting married. Her and Reed. They’re just gonna...take off. She told me this morning.”
I feel like a fist just slammed into my throat and stayed there. I can’t breathe, but it’s nothing compared to the pain barreling its way down my air pipes, through my lungs and spreading through my chest like a fucking fire.
“Yeah?” I force out the word, hoping to hide the way the news is crippling me, making my legs go numb and my head go light. The only time I’ve ever felt like this was the day that police officer pulled me from my mother’s car. I knew in that split second I’d never see her again.
Ed nods slowly. “You gonna do something now?”
I swallow. My saliva feels like it’s turning to lead as it travels down my throat, trying to force its way past the fist still lodged there. “Do what?”
“Seriously? Get the hell out of here and stop her, that’s what.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you love her. Why do I have to spell this out for you? This is your life. Your girl.”
I snap into an upright position so fast it makes me dizzy. “She’s not my girl. She’s with Reed. She chose Reed! What? You think I should just bust into her wedding, say I object and just like that, she’ll call it off and leave with me? You’re out of your fucking mind. She’d never do that. She’d never choose me over him.”
Ed barely even reacts to my rage anymore. “You say that, but you don’t fucking know.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“No, you don’t.” He finally deems the topic intense enough to stop slouching again. “You don’t know if she’d choose you because you never give her the chance to!”
“Oh, please,” I scoff. “Maybe I had a chance once upon a time. Maybe, I thought, in the end, after all was said and done, it’d be us. Together. Same as we started. But then, Reed came along all bright and shiny and new, and I quit kidding myself. Seriously, Ed, what girl wouldn’t fall for him?”
“Tell yourself whatever you have to, if that helps you roll over and sleep in your cell each night, but if you really think she’s only stayed close to you all these years because she needed you, then you’re sorely underestimating your value and her strength, my friend.” He raps his knuckles across the table as he gets up. He’s made his final argument. He doesn’t care if I admit he won or not. He’s leaving. It’s his closing move. To hit home the fact that I’m not.
Reed
Present Day
I steal a glance at her out of the corner of my eye. It must be the tenth time in the last five minutes I’ve done this. She’ll notice if I keep it up. Maybe she already has and she’s pretending not to. To avoid me. To avoid talking about it. Whatever it is. But there’s definitely something. She’s not the same girl I left in her shop ten minutes ago to run upstairs and make a sandwich. Which, incidentally, she’s barely touched.
“Too much salt?” I ask. I barely seasoned it, but I’m pretty desperate to get the conversation going.
“Oh, no.” She smiles but it’s an empty attempt at trying to ease my nerves. “It’s perfect, thank you.” She takes a hearty bite to prove it but I’m still not buying it.
I drop my chopsticks into my half-eaten sushi. “Cooper, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Why?” Suddenly, she’s starving, taking one ravenous bite after another.
“Please, don’t lie to me. I can tell something is bothering you.” I nudge her softly with my elbow and she begrudgingly abandons the sandwich I’m fairly certain she had no desire to eat anyway.
“Gun came by. We had a fight. Sort of. Anyway, it’s done. Our friendship, it’s definitely done.” She musters another smile, this one I almost believe. “I’m okay, I swear. I actually think it’s a good thing. We’ve been so close for so long, I think maybe I forgot who I was without him. What I’m capable of without him. And that’s not something a girl should forget, you know?”
I nod. “I get it.” Then I catch myself, an involuntary laugh escaping. “No, you know, I really don’t. But I want to. And, I do see why this would take time to sort through.” I lean in closer to her until I can wrap my arm over her shoulders and guide her head to rest along my chest. “Tell me about him. About your friendship.”
“Really?”
I hesitate to answer. Do I really want to know? Am I prepared to hear about the years of building familiarity that led to a relationship too blurred with comfort and history for either of them to know the difference between friends and more? No. The answer is no. But, she needs me to know. She needs me to be able to hear this, to see this part of her. So I will.
“Yes, really. This thing with you and Gun, it’s part of your story, which makes it part of our story. And I’m tired of missing out on half of the chapters.” I do my best to sound confident and light, though truth be told, I’m feeling anything but.
Her head drops back, sending her long red hair farther down her back until it reaches my other arm, tickling my wrist. Her eyes are clear and glossy and the blue around her pupils reminds me of a sapphire pendant my grandmother used to wear.
“You know what? Sometimes it’s okay to skim the boring parts,” she whispers. Her hand moves up to cradle my cheek. “Having you here, asking me about it, wanting to know, it’s enough.”
I bend down until our lips touch. Her hand moves back around my neck and up into my hairline, the sensation of her fingers against my scalp, combing through my hair combined with the feel of her tongue moving into my mouth, dancing with my own, it’s enough to make me crazy. I want her. But I can wait.
“Are you sure? Because I’m here to listen.”
I can feel her mouth stretch into a smile beneath my own. “I know you are. And I love you for that.” Then her lips reach for mine and I’m ready t
o accept that some things in the past are safest right where they are.
Cooper
I’ve wondered over the years, if Reed was really the man I believed him to be all this time. If he was really the kind and wonderful prince charming I made him out to be in my mind in the years we spent apart or if the real boy, the real Reed had been more flawed than my heart could bear to face on top of losing him. I had nothing to fear. Reed in all his gentle understanding and unwavering love for me is as close to perfect as any human being could ever strive to be. Why he chose me, loves me, when I’m so effectively broken in so many ways, I’ll never be able to comprehend. But that doesn’t matter. All I need to do is accept it. And I do.
Chapter Fifteen
Gun
7 Years Earlier
They’ve moved my trial date again. The public defender they’ve appointed me is a joke. Mostly, my life is going exactly as expected.
Reed
Present Day
“You ready?” I call, poking my head back into the bedroom. Cooper’s run back and forth between her closet and the front door at least three times. Something about her shoes not working with her pants, her belt not working with her shirt and her shirt not working with her shorts. I don’t know. I lost track somewhere in the middle. I couldn’t really follow what the problem was, she looked perfectly fine to me the first time I saw her.
“Hold on,” she says, out of breath as she hurries past me, a pair of ankle high cowgirl boots in her hand, “I need socks.” She scurries on through the kitchen and disappears around the corner in the laundry room. Two minutes later she comes back out, heels clacking on the hardwood as she goes.
“Boots and shorts, huh?” Considering all the upheaval when she started in her sneakers and jeans, I can’t help but find this to be the more unconventional option. I’m not knocking it, it’s just not a pairing I would have figured on. Sam always wore strappy sandals with shorts. Heels when the occasion called for it. Not that I’m comparing the two. Just observing.
“I wear these nearly every day,” she counters, “have you not noticed?”