Lizz Lund - Mina Kitchen 01 - Kitchen Addiction!

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Lizz Lund - Mina Kitchen 01 - Kitchen Addiction! Page 8

by Lizz Lund


  I did the only sensible thing I knew, and cried. “Yes, there’s something major missing,” I snuffled. “Vinnie!” Vito and Aunt Muriel stared at each other and ducked into my house. Clearly nobody was safe, or dry, with me.

  So I had a good sob, and beat myself up for not leaving Vinnie in the basement as usual (who steals anything from a basement?) Bad enough imagining him lost, or hurt. Worse yet – what if he’d managed to get out onto Millersville Pike? Christ – deer get flattened out on that drag and no one even bats an eye! And, of course, even worse case scenarios hummed in the back of my mind.

  These, and a zillion other comforting thoughts kept me sniffling on my back steps.

  The screen door opened behind me and I looked around hopefully. Vito stood there holding a roll of paper towels in one hand, and Vinnie’s bowl of Kitty Cookies in the other. He put the Kitty Cookies on the step next to me, and handed me a paper towel. Then he took one for himself and blew loud. I looked up at him – his eyes actually looked red-rimmed. Wow. I guess he liked Vinnie more than he was scared of him, after all. Either that or Aunt Muriel’d scared him.

  Aunt Muriel came back out. She grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose. Politely, of course.

  “Well, at least whoever did this to you didn’t expose your bird to the elements. Which would have been far worse. Hawks are very prevalent in Central Pennsylvania,” she said. Vito and I stared at her, then each other. “Oh! Oh, my dear! Vinnie is much too big to be carried away by any hawk!” she added hastily. Vito and I looked at each other and sulked. Clearly Auntie hadn’t seen some of the hawks out our way. Sometimes I was afraid for my neighbor’s beagle.

  So the three of us copped a squat on the back steps. An unlikely trio if ever there was one. Except for how we appeared in church. Waiting for Vinnie. Past dusk. Past a sliver of the moon. Past the first star.

  Aunt Muriel’s hand touched my shoulder. “Mina, I don’t think anything of any genuine value was stolen,” she said.

  “Except Vinnie,” I said glumly.

  Ya know, Toots, if that’s what yous thinks, maybe it’s better to call the cops in. They might have an MO on these guys,” Vito added hopefully. I nodded. At this point it couldn’t hurt to post an ABP for a white and orange molting mini-mountain lion, with one crossed blue eye. You’d know him the moment he bumped into you.

  The phone rang, and Aunt Muriel went inside and answered it for me. I heard a lot of ‘uh huhs’, so I got hopeful. Then she hung up and stuck her head back outside. Funny: while she held the door open to talk to me, I had to squelch an automatic response to tell her to close the door to not let Vinnie out. It was a moot point now.

  “That was Beatrice,” Aunt Muriel explained. I nodded. I knew that she meant Trixie. “I told her what’s happened. She asked if it was alright to come over, and I said yes for you. I hope that was alright?”

  I shrugged. “Sure.” Though I wasn’t really sure Trixie would understand. She thinks I’m overly-attached to Vinnie and Marie because I feed and water them daily. But it was still nice of her to offer. Especially as she and Aunt Muriel are pretty much chemically at odds with each other. They’re a lot like black mollies and angel fish. Neither one matters a bit to the other. But put them in the same tank, and pretty soon you have dead angel fish. I read somewhere it’s because mollies are chemically toxic to them.

  I heard Aunt Muriel dive back inside the safety zone of public communications. She was dialing the phone and talking in some fairly officious tones. I guess she’d called the police. I was glad she was dealing with them for me, and for Vinnie.

  A little while later I heard a car pull up. Trixie came out back, equipped with some Southern Comfort and a pack of Swank’s. “You look like you just lost your best friend.”

  I hung my head and sniffled. “I did.”

  She shrugged, took out a small flask of Southern Comfort, and lit up a smoke. She hunkered down beside me and took a sip. “How long’re you gonna sit out here for him?” she asked.

  “As long as it takes,” I sulked.

  “Well, I like you, but I’m not sure that these steps aren’t gonna hurt my butt before long.”

  I looked at Trixie. Even when she was blunt she was nice. But then again, she was from Lancaster.

  She reached inside her pocketbook and pulled out a can from Finicky Fare’s Gourmet Galore line: ‘Bitsy Toeses ‘n’ Fuzzy Noses’, Vinnie’s favorite. Since the Gourmet Galore line also comes with a gourmet price – like a buck a can – he gets this at holidays only. The thought of bitsy toeses and fuzzy noses as food products generally makes me gag. Now I held back tears.

  “Let’s get this party going sooner than later,” Trixie said matter-of-factly. “If I was scared of coming back home, especially if I’d been out when I knew I wasn’t supposed to be out, it would take a lot more than Kitty Cookies to get me back inside.”

  I had to admit it: she had a point.

  Trixie popped the lid and dumped the Gourmet Toeses and Noses on top of Vinnie’s Kitty Cookies. “Now, come inside this house and figure out what’s been lost,” she commanded.

  “But Vinnie!!” I cried.

  “Aunt Muriel’s taking an inventory of your house,” she said warningly to me. I stared back blankly. “Sooner or later she’ll get to the bread drawer,” she clarified. Trixie knew about the paint swatches. “We’ll leave the door open. That way Vinnie can come right inside when he shows up. He’s probably just having a romp,” she added.

  I took a swig from Trixie’s bottle. “You realize this means fraternizing with Aunt Muriel,” I warned.

  “Yup, and probably Officer Appletree.” She paused to take another swig of Southern Comfort, stubbed out her cigarette and pocketed the filter. “I came in as your Aunt was calling the police. He’s usually assigned to this side of town.”

  “Too bad you used to date him,” I said.

  “His wife thought so, too,” she added.

  Poor Trixie. Always the cheater, and never the cheated. We’d both had our share of boyfriend troubles. Her ex live-in Chuck, pre-Appletree, lived a life of luxury thanks to his maxing out Trixie’s credit card. He’s been sending her payments ever since, so she won’t press charges – which is how she got involved with Appletree. As for me, I moved to Lancaster after falling in love with the wrong boyfriend for the right reasons. Himself wanted a job in the country; I got a job. Himself spent; I paid. Himself left me with Marie, his cockatiel. I stayed and bought Marie and me the house. But, as Trixie says, I’m not the first girl to have had her ex flip her the bird.

  “Okay,” I said.

  I propped the screen door open and went inside the kitchen. A few seconds later a zillion flying bugs joined us.

  Trixie and I paraded upstairs to make sure Aunt Muriel and Vito weren’t taking inventory of my underwear and socks. We ran into them in the upstairs hall, and I peered over Vito’s shoulder and into my bedroom. The floor was wall-to-wall clothes, papers, books, tissues – you name it. Aunt Muriel shot me a look. “Hey, I didn’t leave it like this!” I cried defensively.

  I started to go in, but Vito extended an arm and stopped me. “We better not touch nothin’ until the cops check this out,” he said.

  I looked inside the bathroom. The entire contents of my medicine cabinet and linen closet were strewn everywhere. My foot throbbed. I reached into my pocket and munched on another Tylenol.

  The doorbell rang and Aunt Muriel slid past me to answer it. Vito and Trixie and I went downstairs behind her. Officer Appletree and Trixie glared at each other in the foyer affectionately. “Officer,” Aunt Muriel began.

  “Appletree, ma’am. Trixie,” he greeted.

  “Hi, Adam,” she said, swiping a moth from her face.

  Appletree looked down the hall and into the kitchen at the open back door. “You found the back door open like this? You don’t have to leave it that way,” he started, heading through the kitchen to close the door.
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  “No, we left it open. We figured whoever sacked Mina’s place also let her cat out,” Trixie explained.

  “Oh, okay,” he responded none too convincingly, schwooshing at bugs. “You have any idea what they took?” he asked, pulling out a pad for notes.

  “Vinnie,” I said glumly.

  Vito and Aunt Muriel filled in Officer Appletree with the particulars. We clumped back upstairs behind Officer Appletree to re-survey the damage. “Any jewelry missing?” he asked hopefully. I opened my jewelry drawer and checked.

  “Nope,” I said.

  “Your purse missing?”

  “Nope,”

  “You notice anything suspicious?” he asked Vito.

  “No, no, sir,” Vito stammered. “I was, uh… doing some, umm… errands around 3 o’clock, got back around 4:30 and was just taking care of the flowers out front.”

  “Thanks. That helps. Mr., uh…?”

  “Spaghetti. Vito Spaghetti,” Vito responded. “S-P-A-G-H-E-T-T-I. Just like the noodle.” He smiled. Aunt Muriel and Trixie stared at me. I shrugged. At least Vito’s last name was appealing.

  Officer Appletree tiptoed over the piles of clothes covering the floor. I think he was afraid to step on a bra or something in front of Trixie. He looked over at the answering machine on my desk. There were two messages. “Have you played these yet?” he asked.

  “No,” I said. I crossed the room to play them, hoping one was about Vinnie.

  “Mina, you’re not gonna believe this.” It was Bauser. “It’s me, Bauser. The Buy-A-Lots on Fruitville Pike got torched again. And would you believe, our servers are down! Howard’s gonna throw a fit. I’m gonna go in and try to take care of it now. Anyway, hope you’re out someplace having fun. Gimme a call if you want. Otherwise I’ll see ya at the salt mines tomorrow.”

  Second message. “MINA, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” It was How-weird in full 20-pt. bold shouting mode. I winced. “Our servers are down! You realize, as office manager, you’re supposed to accompany after hours staff, right?” He hung up.

  “Your job description requires you to accompany after hours personnel?” Auntie asked.

  I sighed. “It changes daily.”

  “That was a very hostile message,” Appletree observed.

  “Yeah, that’s her boss,” Trixie said.

  “Oh, well,” he said, and closed his pad. “If you want, we can give him a call, to vouch for what happened here,” he said.

  “Thanks,” I agreed, and gave him Howard’s contact information.

  “But you might want to give the Animal Shelter a call,” he offered. “Give them a heads up, and a description, in case your cat gets turned in.” I nodded.

  We trudged back downstairs and went room by room through the rest of the house. Which didn’t take long. The main upset was in my bathroom. Every medicine and pill bottle I owned was thrown about the place. What kind of medicine were they looking for?

  I thanked Appletree and said goodbye and watched Trixie exiting a little too closely behind him, which I ignored. Vito patted me on the shoulder and shuffled back over to his place. Aunt Muriel stood glued to the hallway floor. “I’m staying with you,” she announced.

  “What?” I asked, rubbing my forehead. I wished the lump would hatch soon.

  “My dear, you can’t take care of this mess by yourself. Especially with your head injury!”

  I looked at her, about to argue, but realized once she left I was a hostage in my own home, since the Doo-doo was still at her place.

  So she had a point there. Right at the top of my head.

  I looked longingly out back at the deck. Still no sign of Vinnie.

  When I turned back, Aunt Muriel was leafing through the phone book. “PizzaNow! Yes, we’d like a pizza delivered please,” she began.

  I shrugged. I guess having pizza for dinner, breakfast and then dinner again wasn’t the worst thing that had happened to me so far. I looked up at the kitchen light and the swarm of bugs. I didn’t think housing the insect kingdom would bring Vinnie back any sooner. I steeled myself to call the animal shelter first thing in the morning, as I shuffled to close the door.

  Vinnie slid himself in-between my knees. I responded by tripping over him. “Vinnie!” I screamed, hugging all his girth.

  “Well, at least that mystery is solved!” Aunt Muriel said. I hugged Vinnie and nodded. Aunt Muriel pulled the screen door all the way closed. “Your door doesn’t close all the way,” she noted. I nodded. I’d have to have it fixed. Was that how someone got into my house? Or did Vito visit and forget to lock up? I hadn’t mentioned the spare key thing to Appletree. He might get the wrong neighborly ideas about me and Vito. Ick!

  Auntie and I gave Vinnie the once over. Aside from some leaves and twigs plastered to the last remaining bits of marshmallow fluff, there was nothing wrong with him. I gave Vinnie his all-time favorite – above and beyond Chicken Toeses and Piggy Noses: genuine tuna fish. I started to open the can while Vinnie stood up on his hind legs and pummeled his front paws on the counter. Sometimes I wonder when he’ll be able to use the can opener to help himself. “A-ch-aat! Mow! Mow! Mow!” he said in his kitty falsetto. I figure this translates loosely to, “Okay! Now! Now! Now!” I put the tuna in his bowl and watched contentedly as Vinnie guzzled.

  The pizza arrived, and we let out a few swarms of bugs at the delivery guy. After Auntie and I ate, she went upstairs to rummage for a nightie. I lay on the sofa and channel surfed, with Vinnie stretched out alongside me, and rested my eyes for a bit. I guess that was why Aunt Muriel shrieked, “Mina, get up!”

  “Huh? What?!” I screamed back.

  “Do NOT sleep!” Aunt Muriel commanded. But judging by my headache and my foot ache, I was gonna need all the beauty rest I could get. The other fly in the ointment was the fact I’d been munching on Extra Strength Tylenol all day. And some Southern Comfort.

  I explained the dilemma to Auntie. “Well, alright,” she mulled, “but I’m going to check on you hourly.” Oh, goodie.

  Aunt Muriel came back down, moved Vinnie and sat down next to me on the sofa, to keep me from lying down. “Oh, guess you found some jammies,” I said. She was wearing my Hi Kitty PJs. She looked cute in pink.

  “Yes, thank you, dear,” Aunt Muriel said, taking the remote from me and turning past the Menus for Many show I was watching and over to the local news. “I found you some jammies and left them on your pillow,” she added.

  Hint taken: I shuffled upstairs to change. Good old Aunt Muriel had cleaned the debris off the top of bed, and made neat little paths from the bathroom to the closet, edged with stacked, folded clothes. That was so sweet of her.

  I washed up, fed Marie, and came back down. Plopping down beside Auntie on the sofa, we watched the end of the news together. That was when we saw the story about this afternoon’s burning Buy-A-Lots on Fruitville Pike. We swatted at the moths. I looked at Vinnie to see if he could be useful at catching bugs, but he just lay prone on the floor with his left paw nuzzled over his nose, snoring peacefully. Aunt Muriel got up and went into the kitchen. Vinnie woke up and trotted behind her. This was weird. Vinnie doesn’t usually follow her. So I followed Vinnie.

  Aunt Muriel doled out a couple of mugs O’Merlot and we sipped. Vinnie stood up on his back legs and hugged Auntie’s waist. Aunt Muriel pulled out a piece of pepperoni that was tucked into the jammie pocket and gave it to Vinnie. I stared at her accusingly. “The poor boy was famished from his ordeal!” she furrowed at me.

  “Good,” I said. “Maybe he’ll develop a taste for bugs.” I swatted at the cloud of gnats hovering over our heads.

  “Oh, they’ll all be gone by the morning.” Aunt Muriel thwacked once or twice too. “Our boy certainly likes his pepperoni,” she said.

  Vinnie ‘sat pretty’ for her while she rewarded him with another piece of pepperoni, and then she went upstairs to bed. Vinnie trotted along after her. I hoped she wasn’t sleeping with any more pepperoni in m
y pockets.

  I turned out the lights. The sound of crickets chirping filled the living room. I lay down on the sofa, wondering how I would ever get used to sleeping with crickets. Then I heard Vinnie tossing his bowl of Kitty Cookies on the kitchen floor. I swore quietly and stumbled into the kitchen, determined to give him what for.

  That was when I met Blossom the Possum. All twenty-seven pounds of her.

  “Nice possum… nice possum… wanna go back outside to your nicem possum place-um?” I sang hopefully, opening the back door to let her out. Which only succeeded in letting in more insect life.

  Blossom looked up at me, and continued to munch on Vinnie’s Kitty Cookies with fierce looking, jagged jaws. Eech. Then she washed her face, burped, and waddled out. I closed the door after her just as a big fat fly landed on the counter. I thwacked him. I knew it’d make my karma suck, but I’d had enough of the Peaceable Kingdom for one night.

  CHAPTER 4

  (Monday)

  I hate Mondays.

  I woke up to gnawing sounds. Which was weird. What could Vinnie be crunching? Carefully peeling back my eyelids, I saw bright sunlight streaming into the living room. Which was also weird. The sun doesn’t shine on the living room side of the house until almost noon. Then I watched as a small terrier chewed my rocking chair. I shoved him away and staggered into the kitchen. It was 10:45 a.m. It was Monday. I was supposed to have been at EEJIT a long, long time ago.

  “Shit! Shit! Shit!” I cried, running up the stairs and headlong into Auntie brushing her teeth in the bathroom. “Why didn’t you wake me up!?” I yelled.

  She spat into the sink. “Your manager, Howard Blech, was notified by the police of your being robbed yesterday,” she said. She rinsed and systematically spat again. “I contacted him personally this morning to let him know you have a doctor’s appointment at 11:30. If you feel well, and if the doctor says you are fit, I will drive you into work.”

  Oh. Well. That explained everything. My life was now under maternal law. I leaned against the wall and rubbed my head. It felt sore but also like the swelling had shrunk. “Hey, I think the swelling’s gone down!” I yelled happily.

 

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