by Lizz Lund
We piled back into Bauser’s car and slalomed off Mt. Driveway, dodging the traffic island and careening across the cul-de-sac. We turned onto Millersville Pike.
“Do you really think Ike will make Ethel give up the Ratties?” Bauser asked.
“Naaa, he’s just blowing smoke,” Norman said. “All guys say stupid stuff like that before they have kids.”
“But if he did, I bet Vito would foster them until Ethel could get a divorce,” Bauser added brightly.
I slumped down in the backseat. My conversations with my friends were getting stranger and stranger.
We drove into the Mansion District that once housed turn-of-the-century manufacturing moguls. We crossed Wilson, passing the ‘dream house’ I spied when I first moved to Lancaster.
“Still think they’ll adopt you?” Bauser asked, meaning the family who owned my favorite mansion.
“No,” I sighed. “Looks like they already have kids.”
“Maybe they need an old kid,” Norman offered helpfully. “You know, to babysit and serve canapés at bedtime or something?”
I shrugged. It was just a silly game we played a lot.
We crept onto Marietta, then Good Drive, and finally onto Aunt Muriel’s street. We drove up the driveway and parked in the side lot she had paved for guests, next to a dark grey mini-van. The garage door was open, so we walked in through the unlocked back door, across the mud room and into the kitchen.
“Hello, Goils,” I called out as I motioned Bauser and Norman and Jim in through the kitchen. “Hey, Aunt Muriel, I brought some company with me…”
I trailed off as I entered the living room and saw Ma butt naked under a sheet with someone who was definitely tall, blonde and handsome standing over her. And thirty years younger.
“AGGGGGGHHHHHH!” I screamed.
Bauser and Norman rushed in behind me to see the affronting vision. “AGHHHH!” they agreed.
“AGHH!” Ma yelled back.
Tall, blonde and bemused just stood there shaking his head and smiling.
“What the?” I asked.
Ma sighed. “Well, so much for the soothing effects of massage,” she muttered.
“Huh?” I said.
“Muriel’s treating us to a mini spa day. James is a massage therapist.”
“Oh, uh, sorry,” I said, walking backward and onto Jim’s hind foot. He gave a little yelp and fell backward. “Sorry, Jim,” I said, stumbling over him, as Norman and Bauser followed my lead and we backed up into the kitchen.
“Oh for Pete’s sake, he was done anyway,” Ma said.
James said politely, “Just lie there please, Mrs. Kitchen. You need some privacy to drape yourself.”
“Oh please,” we heard Ma puff as she got off the table and walked into the kitchen with the sheet wrapped around her, toga style.
“Remember to drink a lot of water, Mrs. Kitchen, to wash away the toxins,” James called out after her.
“Toxins, right, okay,” Ma said, and pulled a Brita water pitcher out of the fridge and a bottle of Grey Goose from the pantry.
“So where’re Aunt Muriel and Mrs. Phang?” I asked.
“We’re in here, dear,” Aunt Muriel called.
I left Ma with Bauser and Norman. I went into the living room, where James was folding up his table, and nodded a sheepish ‘hi’ to him. He gave me a big smile back that I wasn’t sure wasn’t altogether not laughing at me. I proceeded into Aunt Muriel’s bedroom and found Aunt Muriel and Mrs. Phang in their trousers and bras with plastic grocery bags over their heads.
They each slipped short sleeve pastel silk pullovers over their grocery bag heads, and carefully removed the bags from their faces. They looked at themselves in the mirror.
“You’re right!” beamed Mrs. Phang. “Your hair stays perfectly in place this way!”
“Hello, dear, how are you?” Aunt Muriel asked.
“Uh, okey dokey. Just thought we’d stop by to say hi…” I trailed off. I figured I shouldn’t tell them that the real reason we stopped by was to let Ethel tell Ike she had a bun in the oven that was almost half baked. “So, uh, Ethel said you ladies are having a girls’ day?” I tried brightly.
“Oh, yes!” Aunt Muriel beamed. “Your mother and Tina and I just had the most wonderful massage. James is a miracle!”
“Wow. That’s great.”
“Now your mom and Muriel get to go to Paws ‘n’ Claws,” Tina – Mrs. Phang – added with a sigh. “I have to go home. My dopey sister-in-law text messaged me about 50 times this morning.”
“Paws ‘n’ Claws?” I asked. Did the girls want to adopt some pets, too?
Aunt Muriel nodded. “Oh yes, it’s supposed to be the best salon in Lancaster,” she said. “And I can’t wait to get these bangs fixed!” She emphasized by tucking her singed hair back up under her headband. “Luckily Tina’s been there; she recommends it!”
“Yes,” Tina/Mrs. Phang nodded. “The service is great. The name – not so much.”
“I’ve even heard of them. They got a write up in the Ledger,” Ma said, coming into the bedroom and carrying a glass filled with ice and a clear beverage that I hoped was mostly Brita water. She wandered into Aunt Muriel’s ballroom size master bath, and we heard water running in the whirlpool bathtub. Clearly, Ma was taking the spa day verbatim and making ready for a good relaxing soak. “The Ledger said that for special customers, they even give you a Mai Tai!” she called out happily from the tub.
“Really?” I asked Mrs. Phang.
“Sure.” Mrs. Phang shrugged. “You just have to tell them you’re Korean.”
“Mina, dear, are you all taking a late lunch? Can I get you something?” Aunt Muriel asked.
“No thanks; Norman bought us lunch at PizzaNow!” I said.
“That’s nice of you to stop by then,” Aunt Muriel said, slipping on a pair of pink sandals that matched her knit top.
I flopped down in confession mode on top of Auntie’s bed. “I got fired,” I sniffed. “Twice!”
“We know, dear. Your sister called us,” Aunt Muriel said.
I rolled my eyes. I’m the only person I know whose life gets scooped by others.
“You didn’t like that job, anyway,” Ma called out from the whirlpool.
“I know,” I sniffed. “But I’m not going to like looking for a job a lot less. And I didn’t dislike my paycheck.”
Ma splashed around some. “I keep telling you, if your only problem is money, you don’t have any problems.”
“No, my other problem is not paying my mortgage and losing my house,” I said.
“Phhhffff,” Ma raspberried back. “That’s not going to happen. Do you think me or Muriel would let that happen?” she said.
“No,” I answered, and started to cry.
“There, there,” Aunt Muriel said. She handed me a few hundred tissues. I sat up and blew my nose a few dozen times.
“I feel like such a failure.”
Ma came out of the tub re-draped in a large pink towel. “You’re not a failure; they are,” she declared. I sighed and nodded my head. I knew better than to contradict Ma when she went Greek on me.
Mrs. Phang patted my shoulder. “You’re a smart gal. You’ll find something. You just have to start networking.”
I sighed in agreement.
Ma sat down next to me and wiped my face with a corner of her terrycloth toga. “First you need to rest. You haven’t had a good night’s sleep this whole week. Or more, judging by the look of you. No wonder you’re weepy.”
“I’m just feeling a little anxious, I guess,” I said.
Mrs. Phang and Aunt Muriel and Ma all agreed and reassured me how normal that was, that I would find another job that I liked soon, that I was better off this way and all the other nice lies you tell someone unemployed you feel sorry for and worry about. But it made me feel a little happier, all the same.
“But don’t Bauser and Norman have to get back, dea
r?” Aunt Muriel asked.
“Nope,” I said, and told them about Bauser getting canned too, and about Norman’s quitting his job, and his newly divulged extremely great financial situation.
“What’s his last name?” Ma hissed intently.
“Mudd,” I said.
Ma smacked her hand to her forehead. “Oh, for heaven’s sake. I read about his father years ago,” she said, nodding. “So, you see? The worst thing that could possibly happen is that you have friends and family to owe,” she said. “If you must.”
Mrs. Phang stood in front of Aunt Muriel’s mirror and put on turquoise and gold dangly earrings that matched her silk top. She turned to Auntie. “Thanks lots, Muriel. It’s been a long time since I had a girls’ night out,” she said, and hugged Aunt Muriel. “Or a spa day!”
“My pleasure,” Aunt Muriel hugged back.
“Bye, Louise,” Mrs. Phang said to Ma. “It sure was fun meeting you. And, Mina, you just take it easy. Something will turn up soon.”
Aunt Muriel walked Mrs. Phang out of the bedroom, and to the back door. The sounds of them laughing with James drifted up to us. Then Aunt Muriel called out, “Byee!” and we heard the back door close. Then we heard Aunt Muriel talking with Bauser and Norman.
Ma patted me on the head. “Don’t worry about the job search this week. Save that for Monday. You need a little R&R,” she said. I sighed. She was right. And my new buddy system wasn’t doing a whole lot to relax me. It was getting on my nerves. But I didn’t want to tell Ma about it, and worry her, especially after she just got her back kneaded and whirlpooled and all.
Ma got dressed and fixed her hair. “C’mon, let’s go see what the boys are up to with Muriel,” she said, and led me out and into the kitchen.
We came in to see Aunt Muriel and Norman and Bauser sipping long, tall glasses of Brita water, nodding and talking quietly. Jim lapped at his own Brita water from a large crystal salad bowl on the floor.
“Mina, dear, I hope you don’t mind, but I already have your mother and I on the wait list for Grazings,” Aunt Muriel said. “I thought we should go tonight; weekends are just impossible.”
I shrugged. “No biggie.”
“Hey, I’ve heard about that place,” Norman said. “Isn’t that the tiny BYOB place that only serves you standing at the bar? And you can only get a seat if the cook likes you?”
Aunt Muriel took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Grazings is a very upscale restaurant run by the famous Chef Bernard, who trained at the Sorbonne,” she explained. “And they rated a New York Times review,” she added. “They do not do reservations. They have a call list. If Chef Bernard deems it appropriate, he offers you a seat at the bar. But only if you’ve brought a wine that he approves of.” Aunt Muriel sighed. “It’s almost like being in an uptown restaurant.”
“Well, I don’t think we should leave Mina alone the first night that she’s fired,” Ma said.
Aunt Muriel looked at me doubtfully. “Would you like to go with us, Mina? It really doesn’t matter that I left a request for two on the call list; they’re certain to ignore it.”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I’m not really in the mood for having my wine rejected.”
“Well, I’m not leaving you alone,” Ma said.
Aunt Muriel furrowed. Clearly she had been looking forward to being stood up at Grazings.
“It’s okay, Mrs. Kitchen. Jim and I will hang out with Mina,” Bauser said.
Ma relaxed a little. “Are you sure?” she asked me.
I looked thankfully at Bauser. “I think I’m up for a quiet night at home. Besides, we had a huge lunch,” I said.
“Yeah, we did,” Bauser agreed. “We should probably just grab something light like a Calzone or lasagna or something.”
Aunt Muriel glanced at the clock. “Oh! C’mon, Louise! The time!” Ma looked up at the clock and gulped and dashed for her purse. “Sorry, kids; we’re going to miss our mani-pedi if we don’t hurry!” Aunt Muriel called from the hall above the jingle of her car keys.
I shook my head. There are few things in this world that put Ma and Mu into first gear than the possibility of being late for a nail appointment.
We collected Jim and hurried out and smooshed back into Bauser’s car, and pulled out of Auntie’s driveway. Muriel backed out right after us, pointed her car into position and all we heard or saw were squealing tires and dust. Bauser stomped on his accelerator, the Aspire spluttered, and we all leaned forward to help it down the hill and out of Auntie’s development.
Back at my side of town, Bauser parked behind Ike and Ethel’s car. We got out and stood around the front yard. I was wondering if Ethel had broken the news to Ike or not yet. Norman slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked to his Echo parked at the curb. He pulled on the handle and burnt his hand. He carefully opened the car door with his baseball cap and started the ignition and rolled all the windows down, and walked back to us.
“I better go home and break the news to the girls,” he said.
“How do you think they’ll take it?” I asked.
Norman shrugged. “They’ll probably want to get even with me by enrolling in their favorite equestrian camp in Montreal,” he said. “And my wife will probably want to recover from the shock with a trip to Provence.”
“Wow. Tough break,” Bauser said.
“Yeah. It is. I’m not so keen on the France thing. Even though we still have Dad’s villa. But Janice will make me go with her. And she’ll probably make me go with her to visit the girls in Canada, too,” he sighed.
“Too much traveling?” Bauser asked.
“Shopping,” Norman answered glumly.
Jim sat pretty for Norman and held out his paw. Norman shook it and Jim leaned into Norman’s thigh with a hug. We waved bye-bye as Norman pulled away.
Ethel and Ike came out on the front porch with the poofy Ratties dressed up in full walking gear.
“I thought I heard you out here,” Ethel said. Hansel and Gretel yipped in agreement.
“We just pulled in,” I said. I looked at the newly poofed pooches in their matching twin wear. They reminded me of the Star Trek episode about Tribbels. Except these were much larger and wore sequins. “Going for a walk?” I asked.
Ethel nodded. “Ike found a doggie friendly sidewalk cafe. We thought if we went now, we’d get a better table than at dinner time.”
Ike said, “Some guy in the dog park told Vito and me about it. Gave us directions and menu tips and everything. He even said there’s a doggie menu. People sure are nice around here.” He added, “It’s creepy.” I nodded in agreement. It took some getting used to.
“Do you guys want to go with us?” Ike asked.
I looked at Ethel to see if the proverbial cat-what-wasn’t-Vinnie had been let out of the bag. Ethel shook vigorous but tiny ‘no’ movements.
“Uh, actually, we had a really huge lunch,” I said, while Bauser and Jim sat back down in disappointment.
“Hope you don’t mind letting us out?” Ike asked Bauser. Bauser had their car blocked in.
“That’s okay… Mina and I need to get back to my place and pick up some Whoof-Os for Jim, anyway,” Bauser said to me pointedly, opening the door for me. Jim leapt in. I sighed. Clearly I was no longer allowed in my own house alone while the buddy system was in full force.
I walked up the steps to lock the front door. Vinnie grrled hi to me. “Later, buddy. Be back soon. Promise.”
“You know, we don’t have to go all the way across town to your apartment for Whoof-Os,” I said.
“Oh?” Bauser asked.
“Why don’t we just go to the grocery store right here in The Plaza?”
“Are you okay to go into grocery stores these days? What if you have a recipe relapse?”
“Sure, I’m okay,” I fibbed. I figured the best thing to take away the feeling of failure and termination was cooking up a little something for a hundred or so. After today,
I figured I could use all the help I could get. Besides, cooking is cheaper than therapy, right?
Bauser parked his car at the Barn Mart. We all got out. I looked at Bauser, then looked at Jim. Then back at Bauser. “Well, it’s not like I can leave him in the car,” Bauser said. “It’s a zillion degrees out.”
“You can’t bring Jim in a grocery store,” I pointed out.
“But he has a disability.”
“No, he has the ability to con little old ladies into feeding him straight off the shelf.”
“Oh. You have a point. Well?”
Actually, my point was I didn’t want Bauser to chaperone my shopping. Besides, I reasoned, I had company visiting, right? And I’d just put out a few buffets.
“You need anything besides Whoof-Os?” I asked brightly.
Bauser narrowed his eyes. “No. Just Whoof-Os. The only aisle you need to wander down is pet food,” he warned.
“Yup. Got it.” I smiled.
Bauser sighed and handed me ten bucks. I skipped and waved bye and raced toward the market. “I’m timing you!” I heard him shout to my back as the door automatically opened for me and my shiny new red grocery cart. New carts! Was this is sign, or what?
I pocketed Bauser’s ten bucks and went down the first aisle – bakery goods – towards produce. While in bakery goods I circled like a hawk over the mini stuff: mini brownie bites, mini cheesecakes, mini muffins, mini cookies – and threw them all in the cart. From there I went into produce and picked up bunches of cucumbers, red onions, mushrooms and the usual vegetable crudités things – carrots, cauliflower, celery, cherry tomatoes. Bags of lemons and limes were on sale; I bought them. Fresh herbs were on sale; I bought them. I checked out the deli and took advantage of sales on Italian smoked turkey, roast beef and provolone. Then the meat aisle had a two-for-one-sale on family packs of lovely Delmonico steaks. I tossed them in. And about eight London broils. And a family pack of boneless chicken breasts.
I hadn’t visited the condiment aisle since I bought the lone jar of relish. Now it sported fancy gourmet olives and marinated mushrooms. There were sales on roasted peppers. And lovely salad dressings (are they a great shortcut or what?). Luckily the tunafish was at the end of the pet food aisle, or I might have forgotten Jim’s Whoof-Os. I threw them in the cart along with some sale cans of solid white albacore, smoked oysters and anchovies. The fish department had lovely jumbo prawns; I got five pounds. I also threw in a couple of frozen pizzas, cheese tortellini and a couple more boxes of Frothy mix for cocktails. I have company, right?